View Full Version : How to not fear for loved ones' health or worry about their deaths?


BellaVita
01-23-17, 09:22 PM
I have been experiencing acute anxiety lately to the point of crying and having trouble sleeping over being worried about the health of my loved ones. Specifically my husband, and to an extent my sweet mother-in-law.

I am wondering if there are some ways to cope with this anxiety.

I think my childhood had something to do with this. With this fear.

I remember that when my younger brother would disappear for like some minutes, my father would get angry at me and direct all blame at me and said that my brother is probably going to die or something terrible is going to happen to him because it was my fault I didn't constantly check to see where he was. This would even happen when we were just indoors, in fact it probably happened most then.

He would even say "he's probably dead." And then go on to curse and yell at me for being the one at fault for that.

Of course it was wrong for him to blame me, a child myself, for not knowing where my brother was at all times. That was his job. He was the parent, not me. The fear tactics he used, expressing how my brother was probably dead, was downright abusive.

My father would also threaten me that he would have a heart attack and die, and so I felt very responsible for his health. I had to continuously motivate my father to workout at the gym, I also felt like I was the one responsible for making sure he took his medications and to make sure he didn't take medications that made him worse like Benadryl ( he has a bad reaction to the medication just like I do) - Sometimes he would randomly quit his antidepressants and become even more angry and abusive and I had to try to convince him to get back on then. I would have to remind him to eat because he would get angry when his blood sugar dropped. I was also the one who researched his medication so he could tell his doctor which antidepressant he should be on. It was all too much for a child to handle. I shouldn't have had that type of responsibility placed on me.

And I would be so fearful he would have a heart attack, I even had nightmares of it, because of how often he threatened me in an angry voice that he would have one. Combined with what I knew to be poor lifestyle choices on his part. I think he just did it to scare me and exert control over me and see me fearful.

I also remember having to be aware of my mother's well-being, sometimes she would accidentally not take her thyroid medication and she would act noticeably different and I had to be the one to fetch it for her. I felt like I had to be in tune to her behavior. I would ask, "did you forget to take your thyroid medication?"

I remember every single night after my brother had fallen asleep, I would go into his room and put my finger under his nose to check to make sure he was breathing, sometimes this would happen several times A night.

I guess I got conditioned to be scared that something would happen to those I love. I know I am forgetting important things that happened, my brain has kind of blocked some of it out, but those are some examples of how I felt like I was responsible for other family member's health.

And to this day I am still fearful. I keep track of how much water my husband drinks mentally and make sure he is hydrated, I am aware of when he has low blood sugar and try to make sure he has enough meals, I worry about how much sleep he gets, I worry about how much stress he is under, but more than that I can sometimes just get this intense fear and intrusive images that he is going to die of a heart attack. The emotions take over me so strong and it feels very real.

I have even noticed that it seems that sometimes I am grieving his death even though he is alive.

He is significantly older than me so that makes the fears even more intense. I want to enjoy this moment and the time we have together. I don't want this to take over my life and zap the joy away from me.

I also worry about my mother-in-law, she is so sweet and lovable and finally the mother figure I needed in my life. I want to develop a great bond with her and share many memories together. I worry of what if something happens and our time together gets cut short? What if I never got to bond with her in the way that I wanted? What if she never knew how much I care about her?

I just love these people so much, but this fear when it takes over me is so debilitating.

Little Missy
01-23-17, 09:52 PM
Purchase life insurance on each of them and enjoy every moment of every day that you can.

I know that sounds very direct, but it is necessary. Be comforted that he chose you for his wife and your MIL loves you as she does her son. :)

BellaVita
01-23-17, 10:41 PM
Purchase life insurance on each of them and enjoy every moment of every day that you can.

I know that sounds very direct, but it is necessary. Be comforted that he chose you for his wife and your MIL loves you as she does her son. :)

I understand, thank you for the advice.

I just called up my mother-in-law because well I wanted to spend some time talking to her. This thread inspired me, even though I am not one to usually make phone calls. I understand how time with people is limited and so precious. She said I made her day. :)

aeon
01-23-17, 11:01 PM
We never know the time we, or anyone else, has left.

So if you feel love for someone, love them.
And if you are not sure they know, tell them.

Never forget that every day is a gift.

To live our lives as best we know how.

Be present and engaged in the eternal now.

The past and the future are but projections of our hopes and fears.

Do not try to grasp those you love, for they too will pass, like all things.

But love them while they, and you, receive the gift of another day.

I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child. That you would be abused and so conditioned is abhorrent.

Revel in your time, and consider that part of the beauty and meaning of life is that it is finite, and is not to be feared.

That you will grieve the loss of loved ones is part of the human experience. It will hurt, grievously, but it will not break you.

You've already proven yourself to be someone who is not so easily undone by the sorrows of the world, blessings shall it always be so.


Best to You,
Ian

BellaVita
01-24-17, 05:05 AM
We never know the time we, or anyone else, has left.

So if you feel love for someone, love them.
And if you are not sure they know, tell them.

Never forget that every day is a gift.

To live our lives as best we know how.

Be present and engaged in the eternal now.

The past and the future are but projections of our hopes and fears.

Do not try to grasp those you love, for they too will pass, like all things.

But love them while they, and you, receive the gift of another day.

I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child. That you would be abused and so conditioned is abhorrent.

Revel in your time, and consider that part of the beauty and meaning of life is that it is finite, and is not to be feared.

That you will grieve the loss of loved ones is part of the human experience. It will hurt, grievously, but it will not break you.

You've already proven yourself to be someone who is not so easily undone by the sorrows of the world, blessings shall it always be so.


Best to You,
Ian

You are so right.

Thank you for saying these things to me.

:grouphug:

sarahsweets
01-24-17, 05:16 AM
Dont worry so much why you have these fears, but how you deal with them. If you can learn how to deal with those feelings, it wont matter if the worry is justified or not. It just is- you lover them them an worry. As long as that doesnt cripple you, and you vsn recognize it, it hsd no power over you.

BellaVita
01-24-17, 05:18 AM
Dont worry so much why you have these fears, but how you deal with them. If you can learn how to deal with those feelings, it wont matter if the worry is justified or not. It just is- you lover them them an worry. As long as that doesnt cripple you, and you vsn recognize it, it hsd no power over you.

Good thoughts, I do agree. Maybe I will need some therapy or something.

Unmanagable
01-24-17, 10:15 AM
I struggle with this more often now that I've changed my own health regimen and experienced drastic improvements in multiple areas of self. It's like now that I've arrived in many places I thought, and had been professionally advised, were unattainable, it's even more difficult to not worry as I watch others, who have been advised the same thing by even more professionals, compound their own discomforts and dis-ease via their forks.

I also tend to think things like, "I hope they didn't die in their sleep", or hope not to find mom/etc. already passed each time I visit, etc. I don't fear death itself, as I've become comfortable in my understanding of it. I think I just dread the thoughts of having to feel my heart break, yet again, and not having their kind and loving physical beings be here and be huggable one day.

Once I find them okay and know all is well, or at least as well as it can be based on current circumstances, I'm able to flip the worry script into a celebratory one. Still trying to get the brain trained to not automatically think like that so often. If it ever happens with any prolonged success, I'll update with my strategies.

I lost my dad and three of my grandparents all within a two year span, and then lost my 64 yr old aunt to suicide not long after. I feel that has a lot to do with my often derailed trains of thought regarding loss of life.

Most recently, I've had a new experience in dealing with loss. The man who sexually abused me as a child passed away and a whole new wave of unexplored feelings have been randomly rushing in. I thought I'd always celebrate that death, especially, but I didn't. Yet another dose of weird feelings to navigate. Having to feel all the feels to better enact all the heals can be a real b**** some days.

Lunacie
01-24-17, 10:48 AM
PTSD.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with these worries.

Have you tried any cognitive behavior therapy?

It helped me recognize unrealistic thoughts and ignore them.

They still happen, but I'm getting better at ignoring them with practice.

Drewbacca
01-24-17, 03:53 PM
It's normal to worry about health issues and hopefully you can encouraging him to take steps towards a healthier lifestyle and reduce some of that tension/anxiety. It's important to not push though... like him, I really need to start taking a better note of the good and the bad things that I do in regards to my heart health, as I'm starting to approach the age where these things can become a big deal.

It's unhealthy to worry about the things that are out of your control... various approaches to dealing with that. The most straight forward is to have conversations with loved ones and see whether it is something in your control or not. If not, then there are lots of methods through therapy to better let go of the things outside of your control. I've had a lot of success with ACT.

midnightstar
01-24-17, 04:25 PM
:grouphug: Bella, unfortunately you can't change the past - all you can do is show your husband and mother-in-law how much you love them :grouphug:

I worry all the time about my Ebony - even when I'm at work so I do understand the worry :grouphug:

You did not deserve any of that and even if anything had happened to any of your family, you were the child so it wouldn't have been down to you :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
01-24-17, 04:37 PM
Death is like ADHD or autism. Fearing it, rejecting it, even just "tolerating" it, are mistakes, because death is a part of who we are - we can't remove death without removing our selves and our identity.

dvdnvwls
01-24-17, 05:24 PM
Plus I'm seeing the doctor this week, so that will ease your mind a bit. ;)

BellaVita
02-03-17, 11:47 PM
Thank you for the heartfelt responses everyone.

Sorry for such a delay in response – I've been rather busy.

I've been coping a little bit better with this lately, although it's still rears its head from time to time.

In the future, I really do think I could benefit from some sort of therapy. I think I also really want to get therapy geared towards my OCD. It's been really causing me issues. I would like to reduce the severity of it.

I've got years worth of mental issues that need to get treated, PTSD and OCD and anxiety etc. I hope in the future I can get the therapy and possibly medications I need and feel better and heal.

Postulate
02-04-17, 08:27 PM
You're protecting somebody! Why are you trying to protect her so much? Let's talk a bit about your lovely mother. What was she like, towards you, towards your father and your brother. Describe her a bit. Who was the boss?

And you're talking about your mother in law in unusually lovely terms, I'll be honest with you, you raised my hair on top of my head with your description of her, I have never met a single person who spoke in such high terms of their mother in law. Are you perhaps trying to find a mother in her? Because you never truly had a mother?

BellaVita
02-04-17, 08:56 PM
You're protecting somebody! Why are you trying to protect her so much? Let's talk a bit about your lovely mother. What was she like, towards you, towards your father and your brother. Describe her a bit.

And you're talking about your mother in law in unusually lovely terms, I'll be honest with you, you raised my hair on top of my head with your description of her, I have never met a single person who spoke in such high terms of their mother in law. Are you perhaps trying to find a mother in her? Because you never truly had a mother?

I'm sorry but I am confused by your response.

My own mother - OK if you would like a description. She was manipulative, used gaslighting, smear campaigns, other abusive tactics, narcissistic rage, set me up to fail and did everything she could to ruin my life, lacked remorse and affective empathy, had the power over my also abusive father and I witnessed her blackmailing him and doing other activities that I won't mention here, my brother she favored and spoiled he could do no wrong as the golden child, and she started physically abusing me at a young age , continued to emotionally and mentally abuse me the entire time that I knew her. She is dangerous, has narcissistic and psychopathic traits( I believe she has full-blown NPD), and even after escaping from living with her and my father (who also abused me) I have dealt with PTSD from the trauma I went through because of living with those abusers all my life.

Escaping from my abusive parents was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I personally find it odd that you have never found someone who spoke like that about their mother-in-law. I'm just really grateful to finally have family and someone who loves and accepts me.

The people who are in my life now, I won't take for granted, And will be forever grateful for them. I'm not used to having kind people in my life, but the difference is huge. I think the big difference from going from living with people who treat you horribly your whole life to then finding people who love and accept you and treat you with kindness, I guess I am just very loving in my descriptions and describe them in high terms because for me the difference is huge.

I value the family I have in my life.

I very well could have wanted and longed for a mother figure in my life who is loving,in fact I don't deny it, but I see nothing wrong with it. I love my husband and mother-in-law greatly, and I'm not ashamed of that.

Postulate
02-04-17, 09:12 PM
Aha! And the cat came out of the bag! So your father was a feminized man without an inch of manhood in him, and he was on pills, which, let's be frank, it was the same as alcohol. Since your father was a feminized man without form, shape nor size, he couldn't get back at the matron leading the matriarchy, he instead took it out on you, for what his wife was doing to him, with blame tactics that are only observed in women. See, your father was feminized. There was never a man in that household.

And you? You were like him. You were like your father, so you weren't good enough either. Was that your mother's train of thought? Was she giving you cuddles, or was she being affectionate only towards your brother? Quick question, was your brother handsome? How would you rate him on a scale from 1 to 10? The pretty golden boy, was he handsome? And how did your mother react when he got a girlfriend? Was she ok with him bringing his girlfriend over?

I know I'm asking many questions but from the looks of it it appears to me that you are an orphan, with no mother and no father. Your parents being alive is not a sufficient condition for you to have parents.

BellaVita
02-04-17, 09:39 PM
Aha! And the cat came out of the bag! So your father was a feminized man without an inch of manhood in him, and he was on pills, which, let's be frank, it was the same as alcohol. Since your father was a feminized man without form, shape nor size, he couldn't get back at the matron leading the matriarchy, he instead took it out on you, for what his wife was doing to him, with blame tactics that are only observed in women. See, your father was feminized. There was never a man in that household.

And you? You were like him. You were like your father, so you weren't good enough either. Was that your mother's train of thought? Was she giving you cuddles, or was she being affectionate only towards your brother? Quick question, was your brother handsome? How would you rate him on a scale from 1 to 10? The pretty golden boy, was he handsome? And how did your mother react when he got a girlfriend? Was she ok with him bringing his girlfriend over?

I know I'm asking many questions but from the looks of it it appears to me that you are an orphan, with no mother and no father. Your parents being alive is not a sufficient condition for you to have parents.

Your posts and questions are rather confusing me. :scratch:

Actually, I disagree with your assessment of the situation. I don't even know what "feminized" means and I have never heard of it being a thing, but I can tell you that was not what happened. My father was an abuser too, and a very sick person on many levels. He just wasn't as smart as her, he was very loud and abusive in physical and emotional and other ways, but he wasn't dangerous in the same way as her. She was smarter and so took control and power over him.

And I'm sorry but no I was nothing like my father and never could even be close to getting compared to him.

I'm not sure what my brother's looks have to do with anything, and I do not want to rate his appearance because that is strange.

He didn't really get a girlfriend while I was around, well there was one girl he was interested in but I'm not sure if they were official or not. I don't know how my mother reacted because at the time I found out about him being interested in a girl I had already escaped my parents.

I do know that when I got boyfriends my father reacted with jealousy and tried to tear my boyfriends down by speaking bad about them to me, but my father also sexually abused me in some ways according to a therapist so that might be where his behavior was coming from.

I would prefer not to talk about my mother's "cuddles" and affectionate behavior, because they nearly crossed the line into sexual abuse. In fact they probably were considered that and I won't going into detail. Let's just say there was lots of guilt tripping involved and Power over me and things I felt forced to do….well I'm not going to keep writing because it sickens me.

I do not feel like an orphan, I just feel like someone who unfortunately had abusive parents but now I am far away from them and that is good.

I hope it's OK if you can please get to your point so that we can stop discussing this, I just don't think this is very beneficial.

Postulate
02-04-17, 09:50 PM
^ Sorry I didn't mean to upset you, and what I say is with the utmost respect. You say your father was abusive, how was he abusing your mother?

BellaVita
02-04-17, 09:55 PM
^ Sorry I didn't mean to upset you, and what I say is with the utmost respect. You say your father was abusive, how was he abusing your mother?

It's OK, but really I wish to stop talking about it.

If there is a point you were making then please make it now so that we can finish this topic. Thank you I'm just not feeling in the state of mind to dig through this right now and discuss it.

Postulate
02-04-17, 10:10 PM
My point is you should attempt a law suit against your mother. Is she rich, like, does she have a nice house and car? You can sue her for what she has. If she couldn't contribute to raising you in any way, there's one way in which she can, and that's financially.

I doubt a judge will deny such a case, based on your sayings, and if your brother testifies, which he will since, if he has a girlfriend, he broke up with his mother for sure so they must not be getting along very well either. Talk to a lawyer to see what legal pathways you have available, and sue her for a decent amount like $200,000, based on the abuse you suffered.

Your parents can also service you, like, if you need a ride, you phone your mom, tell her to bring her butt and pick you up. Also, if you need some food in your fridge, get her creditcard and go do some groceries. Make them contribute financially and if she doesn't want sue her. And this applies to all parents that couldn't raise their children, they should contribute financially. Big time. If there's nothing else they can give, they can still give their kids money. And not $20, but more like, make a 30k down payment on their mortgage. If they have a house, they can sell it and go rent a smaller apartment, while giving you a large portion of the sale money.

BellaVita
02-04-17, 10:20 PM
My point is you should attempt a law suit against your mother. Is she rich, like, does she have a nice house and car? You can sue her for what she has. If she couldn't contribute to raising you in any way, there's one way in which she can, and that's financially.

I doubt a judge will deny such a case, based on your sayings, and if your brother testifies, which he will since, if he has a girlfriend, he broke up with his mother for sure so they must not be getting along very well either. Talk to a lawyer to see what legal pathways you have available, and sue her for a decent amount like $200,000, based on the abuse you suffered.

Your parents can also service you, like, if you need a ride, you phone your mom, tell her to bring her butt and pick you up. Also, if you need some food in your fridge, get her creditcard and go do some groceries. Make them contribute financially and if she doesn't want sue her. And this applies to all parents that couldn't raise their children, they should contribute financially. Big time. If there's nothing else they can give, they can still give their kids money. And not $20, but more like, make a 30k down payment on their mortgage. If they have a house, they can sell it and go rent a smaller apartment, while giving you a large portion of the sale money.

OK thank you for making your point.

But no I would never do that, having contact with her in any way would be dangerous for me, keeping her out of my life permanently is the only solution. I don't need or want any money. And also, I just think that would be a dreadful mistake.

Anyway,thanks for trying to help, I'm going to move on now.

Lloyd_
02-19-17, 05:43 AM
I have been experiencing acute anxiety lately to the point of crying and having trouble sleeping over being worried about the health of my loved ones. Specifically my husband, and to an extent my sweet mother-in-law.

I am wondering if there are some ways to cope with this anxiety.

I think my childhood had something to do with this. With this fear.

I remember that when my younger brother would disappear for like some minutes, my father would get angry at me and direct all blame at me and said that my brother is probably going to die or something terrible is going to happen to him because it was my fault I didn't constantly check to see where he was. This would even happen when we were just indoors, in fact it probably happened most then.

He would even say "he's probably dead." And then go on to curse and yell at me for being the one at fault for that.

Of course it was wrong for him to blame me, a child myself, for not knowing where my brother was at all times. That was his job. He was the parent, not me. The fear tactics he used, expressing how my brother was probably dead, was downright abusive.

My father would also threaten me that he would have a heart attack and die, and so I felt very responsible for his health. I had to continuously motivate my father to workout at the gym, I also felt like I was the one responsible for making sure he took his medications and to make sure he didn't take medications that made him worse like Benadryl ( he has a bad reaction to the medication just like I do) - Sometimes he would randomly quit his antidepressants and become even more angry and abusive and I had to try to convince him to get back on then. I would have to remind him to eat because he would get angry when his blood sugar dropped. I was also the one who researched his medication so he could tell his doctor which antidepressant he should be on. It was all too much for a child to handle. I shouldn't have had that type of responsibility placed on me.

And I would be so fearful he would have a heart attack, I even had nightmares of it, because of how often he threatened me in an angry voice that he would have one. Combined with what I knew to be poor lifestyle choices on his part. I think he just did it to scare me and exert control over me and see me fearful.

I also remember having to be aware of my mother's well-being, sometimes she would accidentally not take her thyroid medication and she would act noticeably different and I had to be the one to fetch it for her. I felt like I had to be in tune to her behavior. I would ask, "did you forget to take your thyroid medication?"

I remember every single night after my brother had fallen asleep, I would go into his room and put my finger under his nose to check to make sure he was breathing, sometimes this would happen several times A night.

I guess I got conditioned to be scared that something would happen to those I love. I know I am forgetting important things that happened, my brain has kind of blocked some of it out, but those are some examples of how I felt like I was responsible for other family member's health.

And to this day I am still fearful. I keep track of how much water my husband drinks mentally and make sure he is hydrated, I am aware of when he has low blood sugar and try to make sure he has enough meals, I worry about how much sleep he gets, I worry about how much stress he is under, but more than that I can sometimes just get this intense fear and intrusive images that he is going to die of a heart attack. The emotions take over me so strong and it feels very real.

I have even noticed that it seems that sometimes I am grieving his death even though he is alive.

He is significantly older than me so that makes the fears even more intense. I want to enjoy this moment and the time we have together. I don't want this to take over my life and zap the joy away from me.

I also worry about my mother-in-law, she is so sweet and lovable and finally the mother figure I needed in my life. I want to develop a great bond with her and share many memories together. I worry of what if something happens and our time together gets cut short? What if I never got to bond with her in the way that I wanted? What if she never knew how much I care about her?

I just love these people so much, but this fear when it takes over me is so debilitating.

You sound like the perfect wife, too bad you're taken LOL! Nothing wrong with doing those things but keep in mind that some people don't like to be pampered only because a person can lose their sense of personal empowerment if somebody else insists on doing everything for them, I for one am not the stubborn type but I am insistent on doing everything for myself because I don't want to be bothersome to other people.

Also to play devil's advocate here for a minute, how do you know that you'll outlive YOUR loved ones? Sounds to me you are sacrificing your personal health and well being for the benefit of others, nothing wrong with living a selfless life but guess what? If you don't take care of yourself #1 then you won't be of much help or use to your loved ones around you if you stress yourself into an early grave.

OhLookABunny
03-10-17, 10:36 AM
BellaVita,

I grew up with some of those situations and things said to me, though to a lesser extent. But enough to implant the conflict between being considered a gifted child who was destined for great things - but only if they didn't take her away from the family fold. And the terror of people dying and it being my fault, oh yeah. Later I figured out it was manipulation and BS and could get rid of the feelings of responsibility but it was still annoying with the drama. :eyebrow:

However in my case there was enough love to offset the bad in the big picture. I also draw heavily upon my religious beliefs for context in understanding and forgiving human weaknesses - which doesn't mean excusing bad behavior - I won't go into that further here due to forum guidelines so if someone wants to know more they can PM me.

I developed anxiety and eventually agoraphobia, and Pure-O OCD (that's OCD with unwanted intrusive frightening thoughts being more the torment than compulsive behaviors). The agoraphobia, I think, is varying parts genetic, PTSD, being too sheltered and lacking street smarts, and a reflection of the actual scenario, i.e., grow up to be someone who is an achiever but don't go far from home because we need you and it's not safe out there. I've only ever driven out of town by myself a handful of times in my life, and less than 150 miles at the most. I rode a Greyhound bus out of town twice. I am nearly 55. :umm1:

When I turned 30, which was also the year my dad retired early due to an autoimmune condition, I freaked out about mortality. Ended up in the psych ward. I'm an only child and wasn't married nor did I have children. And now my parents have passed so I have no immediate next of kin. I also was a washout with most employment so am squeaking by on disability for the foreseeable future.

So I relate to you a lot. My cognitive coping strategy has generally grown more positive despite everything - because I know my survival is at stake, because of my faith, because I want to make some kind of good impact on my little corner of the world, because living well is the best revenge, to honor that which was good in my parents and having the perspective of time and empathy because of my own struggles - pick a reason, and there are probably others. My pets and my creative outlets are life-giving too. :)

I hope my long post here doesn't sound self involved. My intention was to convey the ways in which I understand your situation, and know that I wish you all the good in the world and solace from the anxiety and suffering. May you find a little more peace each day. :grouphug:

namazu
03-10-17, 02:19 PM
MODERATOR NOTE: Several off-topic posts have been removed. Please stay on topic. Thank you.

dvdnvwls
03-10-17, 02:40 PM
I feel strangely trapped when I get worried about in this way. Like I'm under pressure to modify the laws of nature so that I won't die. If it's not me who's supposed to eliminate the possibility of death, then who is the one facing that demand?

There's a metaphor in which everyone has an internal "map of the world" that they make for themselves and use as a guide for their own behaviour and decisions. People are continually updating and revising their "maps" as they learn more.

I'm imagining a map in which the part about death and dying is hidden - scribbled out, and with scraps of paper pasted over it.

I believe that the fear is far worse than the reality, and that the way to feel better is to let reality be what it is - to update the map using the best available information, to remove the coverings and erase the scribbles.

dvdnvwls
03-10-17, 03:25 PM
Part of my message was unclear and might have sounded very different from what I meant:

It's not about feeling trapped in the relationship, but feeling like the logic of this one topic is difficult to figure out. Like being given an unsolvable puzzle. That's the only "trap" here.