View Full Version : Questionable behavior from my father.


Postulate
02-12-17, 08:19 PM
So I(31) drove with my father(62) to Costco on a winter storm (I was driving the car, Acura TLX 2016) to get my refill. As I was getting my refill, I noticed that the pharmacist was really hot, like she was a beautiful woman. As I was about to leave she asked me how were the roads, I replied to her that it was not bad so far but she should expect worse. She replied "not bad, you must be a good driver!". I modestly replied that I had winter tires and told her to take care of herself and drive safely.

When I tried to leave, my father wouldn't budge, at about 5 meters from the counter, smiling with a lot of insinuation. He said:

"oh, you're making a girlfriend, she's really hot that pharmacist girl huh? Look at the other one, look, look to the left LOOK LOOK." (another woman was coming from the left, not pretty at all)

I knew I had a good vibe with that pharmacist so I didn't wana look at another woman while I was in her line of sight, so I told him WHAHAAAAAATTT???!?! Stop! What's going on what do you want? He's like oh that girl behind you! I'm like what about her? Then he said, "nothing, that pharmacist, was hot". I said ya, I liked her. Then he goes on telling me how she looked like she was clean, working in a clean pharmacy and not really looking to do nasty stuff like the porn I watch. That because I am much more open to doing certain stuff with my female partners than him.

Then I told him about respect and consent that if she consents and likes it, why not, and that, by the way, we're tossing the horses too far to talk about that only after I exchanged a few words with her. Like, he was trying to say that he was more in tune with what she would need in her life and that I wasn't really ready to meet her needs or be respectful towards her. So I started to probe that a bit because I felt like he didn't respect me as an individual.

That got to me because 2 days ago my mother was crying at home because of something he said to her that upset her really badly and made her feel alone, so I was thinking, his wife is crying at home due to lack of affection, and he's really happy at exploring other much younger woman's needs and feeling so able to fulfill them in every way. HELLLO!! ALLLO!! ALLLO!! Like, HELLO!!

So we get in the car. At this point he was shaky. He's usually nervous when he's in the passenger seat especially on a Canadian snow storm, but at that point in time he was out of his mind. He started screaming at the stop lights that I was in the wrong lane. And I mean screaming, like, crazy. I told him to stop screaming because I knew what I was doing. Not possible. I had to change lanes so he would stop screaming. He told me to turn right screaming again I'm like dad, there's nothing to the right, I have to turn right further down the road. He replied "ya, like you would have turned right unless I told you!" I'm like what? You just told me to turn right into fkall, what are you saying? So we started arguing hard.

He's like damn, can't see anything in this storm. At this point he got to me again I told him to shut up, that he didn't needed to see anything because he wasn't driving. Then he started screaming that my left window started to fog, told me to get a napkin to clean it. I told him dad we're in traffic, sit still. Not possible. While trying to grab the napkin he told me to make a left into a feeder lane at the last minute, I did that left, slowly and under the snow I hit some hidden concrete border that was a bit too high for the front bumper to go over it.

No damage to the front bumper, but the plastic grill above the fog light got a bit chipped. I proceeded with telling him that I can't drive on a snowstorm in these weather conditions with him screaming in my ear. He said that a real driver can drive safely when someone is screaming in his ear. I told him he was acting insane and asked him what was wrong with him.

So at home we had a discussion, I told him about the pharmacy woman and asked him if she drove him crazy by any chance, and if he was upset that we were sexually attracted to each-other. He tried to intimidate me but I insisted that ever since he saw her he went crazy and caused a minor car accident. I wanted to tell him that instead of going crazy over other women he should focus on what to do to be more affectionate towards his own wife and figure out ways to talk to her without mortifying her like he did 3 days ago, but I didn't because he began behaving well. In fact, he avoided any discussion on the subject for the rest of the day.

What do you guys think? What is going on here?

Little Missy
02-12-17, 09:36 PM
Just a little dust up is all.

Postulate
02-13-17, 12:50 AM
It's not the first time, in the past we had conversations like:

Me: She can be beautiful and have good intentions...I met quite a few like that.

Dad: Well wait until you meet their boyfriends when they come out of jail to smash your jaw. Who do you think goes after these pretty things?

Me: My mom was very pretty...which of her ex broke your jaw when you slept with her? There's always 911 and I can handle myself very well in a fight anyways...

Dad: We were in Romania, in Canada is like the wild west, these guys don't joke around. Can't you understand that you can't afford to take any risks?

Me: I don't joke around either. You go ahead and don't take risks, and keep your prejudices about hot women. My next wife will be stunning, I like them like that.

Dad: So you want to kill me is that it? You are set on doing the opposite. Is it your ADD that makes you behave this stupidly?

Me: So when you slept with my mom your ADD made you do a stupid thing? You should tell her. I didn't know you had ADD.


It's pointless to go on. So what am I dealing with here, because I no longer trust that he's acting in my best of interest when it comes to my future family. What if he brings up my ADD or some stupid stuff to compromise my relationship with my future wife? I can't avoid him forever when I'm with a woman. I don't like that I'm being taken for an idiot and not respected for who I am.

20thcenturyfox
02-13-17, 04:27 AM
Not everyone speaks to their parents in the way you describe. Regardless of how much class or self-control a parent lacks, maintaining a little emotional distance yourself has a lot of advantages.

For example, if you refrain from sharing your sexual thoughts and feelings with your parents in the first place you probably wouldn't have to listen to their comments about it. It seems to me that engaging with your parents on such an intimate informal level blurs the boundaries you probably want to establish with your parents as an adult anyway. This may be more difficult if you live with them, but it is probably even more important. Your future wife will thank you.

You don't have to freeze your parents out of your life to start building healthy boundaries. But you should probably start moving them out of your head, your sex life, and your moment-to-moment thought processes. Start having more adult conversations, not necessarily all serious, you can still joke around, show appreciation, be respectful, but keep it lighter and more arms length.

Maybe you could come up with a list of about 5 safe topics, and 5 new topics you think might be interesting to get them talking about. Also come up with a couple of casual easygoing brush-offs for changing the subject. Picture yourself having a wife and family of your own to protect and look after. Then practice being more grown up with your parents.

dvdnvwls
02-13-17, 05:49 AM
Another way of saying a similar thing:

Your dad baits you into fights about some really stupid stuff. Nobody can win, because the fight itself makes losers out of both of you.

Maybe you bait him sometimes, too.

I think one result of following 20thcenturyfox's advice will be that these fights start to go away and get replaced by something much better.

Postulate
02-13-17, 09:33 AM
Not everyone speaks to their parents in the way you describe. Regardless of how much class or self-control a parent lacks, maintaining a little emotional distance yourself has a lot of advantages.

For example, if you refrain from sharing your sexual thoughts and feelings with your parents in the first place you probably wouldn't have to listen to their comments about it. It seems to me that engaging with your parents on such an intimate informal level blurs the boundaries you probably want to establish with your parents as an adult anyway. This may be more difficult if you live with them, but it is probably even more important. Your future wife will thank you.

You don't have to freeze your parents out of your life to start building healthy boundaries. But you should probably start moving them out of your head, your sex life, and your moment-to-moment thought processes. Start having more adult conversations, not necessarily all serious, you can still joke around, show appreciation, be respectful, but keep it lighter and more arms length.

Maybe you could come up with a list of about 5 safe topics, and 5 new topics you think might be interesting to get them talking about. Also come up with a couple of casual easygoing brush-offs for changing the subject. Picture yourself having a wife and family of your own to protect and look after. Then practice being more grown up with your parents.

Every time I talk to a beautiful woman, or approach her, or even when she's around and I'm with him, he puts on a superior smile filled with insinuation. What the ... is there to smile about? He stands behind me when I talk to her, he makes eye contact with her and he smiles with superiority until I can notice a shadow going on her face and she withdraws from the discussion. Like, he's aggressive. I feel like he's peeing to mark himself on my territory.

BellaVita
02-13-17, 09:54 AM
Every time I talk to a beautiful woman, or approach her, or even when she's around and I'm with him, he puts on a superior smile filled with insinuation. What the ... is there to smile about? He stands behind me when I talk to her, he makes eye contact with her and he smiles with superiority until I can notice a shadow going on her face and she withdraws from the discussion. Like, he's aggressive. I feel like he's peeing to mark himself on my territory.

Would it be better to just not take your dad with you places?

Also women aren't territory.

Little Missy
02-13-17, 10:10 AM
Every time I talk to a beautiful woman, or approach her, or even when she's around and I'm with him, he puts on a superior smile filled with insinuation. What the ... is there to smile about? He stands behind me when I talk to her, he makes eye contact with her and he smiles with superiority until I can notice a shadow going on her face and she withdraws from the discussion. Like, he's aggressive. I feel like he's peeing to mark himself on my territory.

Stop dignifying his behavior by engaging him. Period. Its the only way. What you are doing with him now is reinforcing his behavior.

Postulate
02-13-17, 02:11 PM
Would it be better to just not take your dad with you places?

Also women aren't territory.…

And my metaphors aren't to be taken ad literam. The thing is he frightens them. They are young women, and if you see his face you'll know what I mean. They feel in danger...they don't know what kind of bizarre family we are after he presents himself in such indecent manner. What if we team up to abduct women to commit murder? They are scared, it's not normal! Nobody does this.

And the moron thinks they are sexually attracted to him. My mom had countless problems with him, had dozens of nervous breakdown where he humiliated her in public chatting with other women, in front of her! Like, he knows no boundaries. And then Ah! Why are you getting so mad! You are being unreasonable honey! Everyone smiles! It's how it is in Canada, you have to smile.

You see what kind of personality I'm talking about?

20thcenturyfox
02-13-17, 04:22 PM
What do you guys think? What is going on here?
...You don't have to freeze your parents out of your life to start building healthy boundaries. But you should probably start moving them out of your head, your sex life, and your moment-to-moment thought processes. Start having more adult conversations, not necessarily all serious, you can still joke around, show appreciation, be respectful, but keep it lighter and more arms length....
Another way of saying a similar thing:
Your dad baits you into fights about some really stupid stuff. Nobody can win, because the fight itself makes losers out of both of you.

Maybe you bait him sometimes, too.
.

Would it be better to just not take your dad with you places? ...

Stop dignifying his behavior by engaging him. Period. Its the only way. What you are doing with him now is reinforcing his behavior.
You don't have to listen...but rarely will you see such a unanimous thread on ADDF. I gather we would all agree he's a social liability for you, but stop being your own worst enemy and quit hanging out in the gutter with him. Look up...look way up!

Your personality, interests, and focus in life are the only thing you have the power to change. You definitely have your work cut out for you, but you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So get going...and good luck!

dvdnvwls
02-13-17, 04:46 PM
Put (again) in a different way...

Your dad is apparently a bad influence on you, at least in this type of situation. Stop hanging out with him. And pay close attention to any occasion where you might be tempted to act a little bit like him - don't do it.

sarahsweets
02-14-17, 05:02 AM
So I(31) drove with my father(62) to Costco on a winter storm (I was driving the car, Acura TLX 2016) to get my refill. As I was getting my refill, I noticed that the pharmacist was really hot, like she was a beautiful woman. As I was about to leave she asked me how were the roads, I replied to her that it was not bad so far but she should expect worse. She replied "not bad, you must be a good driver!". I modestly replied that I had winter tires and told her to take care of herself and drive safely.

When I tried to leave, my father wouldn't budge, at about 5 meters from the counter, smiling with a lot of insinuation. He said:

"oh, you're making a girlfriend, she's really hot that pharmacist girl huh? Look at the other one, look, look to the left LOOK LOOK." (another woman was coming from the left, not pretty at all)

I knew I had a good vibe with that pharmacist so I didn't wana look at another woman while I was in her line of sight, so I told him WHAHAAAAAATTT???!?! Stop! What's going on what do you want? He's like oh that girl behind you! I'm like what about her? Then he said, "nothing, that pharmacist, was hot". I said ya, I liked her. Then he goes on telling me how she looked like she was clean, working in a clean pharmacy and not really looking to do nasty stuff like the porn I watch. That because I am much more open to doing certain stuff with my female partners than him.

Did he say these things while the other women were near? Am I right that you were flirting with the pretty pharmacist because you have a rapport with her, but your dad sort of butt in by blurting out stuff like that? And did he shout about porn too? What business is it of his what your viewing habits are?

Then I told him about respect and consent that if she consents and likes it, not, and that, by the way, we're tossing the horses too far to talk about that only after I exchanged a few words with her. Like, he was trying to say that he was more in tune with what she would need in her life and that I wasn't really ready to meet her needs or be respectful towards her. So I started to probe that a bit because I felt like he didn't respect me as an individual.

Boy do I feel bad for this woman. She was totally a topic of deep conversation based solely on her looks!


So at home we had a discussion, I told him about the pharmacy woman and asked him if she drove him crazy by any chance, and if he was upset that we were sexually attracted to each-other. He tried to intimidate me but I insisted that ever since he saw her he went crazy and caused a minor car accident. I wanted to tell him that instead of going crazy over other women he should focus on what to do to be more affectionate towards his own wife and figure out ways to talk to her without mortifying her like he did 3 days ago, but I didn't because he began behaving well. In fact, he avoided any discussion on the subject for the rest of the day.

What do you guys think? What is going on here?
Holy cow thank god that woman had no part in this discussion. Just curious, do you often take sides with your parents? Does your dad respond well to marital advice from his son?
I only ask because experience has taught me to never tell another person what they are doing wrong in their marriage, even if it seems obvious. Unless that person comes to you begging for honest advice, and I mean really desperate, keep opinions of other people's marriages to your self. This still applies to parents, in fact maybe even more because you are their child and the last thing any parent wants or needs is to have their child take sides. Plus its a sucky spot for you because you will be getting involved in a dynamic that you see two ways- one way from a child's perspective, another from a grown ups perspective.
Anytime I feel the urge to share my pearls of wisdom about marriage or relationships it always is based on my experience and never involves me picking apart or comparing anyone else's relationships,.

stef
02-14-17, 05:17 AM
It really sounds like some strange boundries have been crossed;

Goodness if I were a young woman working in a store or whatever, an older man giving suggestive looks and comments while a younger man was chatting/flirting (whether or not that was even welcome and appropriate, in the first place), would be very disturbing.

Either way, your parents shouldnt be discussing that part of their relationship with you.

Fraser_0762
02-14-17, 07:27 AM
Parents like to embarrass their young. It's really not that odd or uncommon.

sarahsweets
02-14-17, 03:12 PM
Parents like to embarrass their young. It's really not that odd or uncommon.

True but embarrassing your kid by practically sexually harassing young women isnt cool.

Fraser_0762
02-14-17, 03:16 PM
True but embarrassing your kid by practically sexually harassing young women isnt cool.

Not by todays standards. But he's an old man who will be from a time when it was considered more socially acceptable. The majority of old men still maintain outdated conservative views. Another old man instantly comes to mind.

Postulate
02-14-17, 06:50 PM
Thanks to all, Sarah, yes to all your questions except the last two, that part of the discussion was private and no he does not take that well. So yes he said I was making a girlfriend and then looked at her while being near the counter. The thing is, he at first wanted to leave the store so he left far away and when he saw I was flirting with her he ran back to the counter, I don't know how he did it, he ran or something, made it back to the counter giving suggestive looks to the woman.

Here's the thing, less than two years ago, I was awaken at 6:10am by my mother yelling death threats to my father 2 rooms away. Loud argument. What my father did with me not long ago, he had done it, with her, present, the 3 of them in the elevator. My father was casually flirting with another woman, with my mom inside the elevator!

Boy he got smacked for that one! Big time. Then he was like, no honey, I was smiling like everyone smiles in Canada. He was more like peeing to mark his territory and the smell of urine was all over the elevator. At first I didn't believe her but ever since she brought that up I paid more attention to it and it's exactly like she said.

When he's in the presence of a beautiful young woman, he's not being social or casually smiling, he pees to mark his territory, like the moderator phrased it really well, he gives suggestive looks and that's an euphemism, it's suggestive...everything. The women that are a bit more agile are enraged, like they are revolted that he thinks he has a chance with them. I have no idea what he's thinking...is he thinking that he sexually arouses them? They for sure don't think he's married, that doesn't even cross their mind that he might be married!

20thcenturyfox
02-14-17, 09:23 PM
Parents like to embarrass their young. It's really not that odd or uncommon.

Well, maybe not adult children like OP. And I wouldn't have thought it's common, except accidentally, as when parents are clueless and children are sensitive.

But, regardless of whether it's common, deliberately trying to embarrass someone you supposedly love is definitely perverse. I would say intentionally embarrassing someone younger, less socially capable, or more vulnerable sounds like a form of bullying. And doing this to someone in your care, for whose social and cognitive development you are responsible, actually seems mildly abusive. I certainly hope it's not common, or we're in trouble.

BellaVita
02-14-17, 09:31 PM
Well, maybe not adult children like OP. And I wouldn't have thought it's common, except accidentally, as when parents are clueless and children are sensitive.

But, regardless of whether it's common, deliberately trying to embarrass someone you supposedly love is definitely perverse. I would say intentionally embarrassing someone younger, less socially capable, or more vulnerable sounds like a form of bullying. And doing this to someone in your care, for whose social and cognitive development you are responsible, actually seems mildly abusive. I certainly hope it's not common, or we're in trouble.

This. :goodpost:

I would never intentionally try to embarrass someone I love. It's just wrong. And it could affect their self-esteem and the relationship I have with that person. There is just nothing good to come of it.

Postulate
02-15-17, 09:43 AM
We had a conversation...again...about the way he behaves near a beautiful woman when we were walking home, he was like "don't come forth with things like these", I'm like, why do you look at them like that...why do you smile under your nose, look down your chin up the for-head and then you look at her with your chin down? You want her father to come break your chin when she walks home at 5pm with a panic attack? I told him not to do that when I'm around and if I'm talking to a woman, to stay back, like 15m. I also told him that it's him that I believed during all these incidents with my mother and that now I see she wasn't kidding at all.

He started running away from me. I'm like why do you run away? Where are you going? Why don't you stay and talk? So he ran away to my mother where we could no longer continue the conversation.

sarahsweets
02-15-17, 02:15 PM
Not by todays standards. But he's an old man who will be from a time when it was considered more socially acceptable. The majority of old men still maintain outdated conservative views. Another old man instantly comes to mind.

It doesnt matter. Being old and conservative doesnt make sexual harassment acceptable.

sarahsweets
02-15-17, 02:17 PM
We had a conversation...again...about the way he behaves near a beautiful woman when we were walking home, he was like "don't come forth with things like these", I'm like, why do you look at them like that...why do you smile under your nose, look down your chin up the for-head and then you look at her with your chin down? You want her father to come break your chin when she walks home at 5pm with a panic attack? I told him not to do that when I'm around and if I'm talking to a woman, to stay back, like 15m. I also told him that it's him that I believed during all these incidents with my mother and that now I see she wasn't kidding at all.

He started running away from me. I'm like why do you run away? Where are you going? Why don't you stay and talk? So he ran away to my mother where we could no longer continue the conversation.

This relationship between you and your parents screams toxic to me. You are taking sides and your parent are each making you a party to their deception or inappropriately sharing info with you about each other that is dividing. I would put some really deep space between you and them.

Little Missy
02-16-17, 08:21 AM
Maybe you just need to sue him and get it over with. :)

Postulate
02-16-17, 08:28 PM
Maybe you just need to sue him and get it over with. :)

Haha I like your style :)

dvdnvwls
02-16-17, 09:00 PM
It's not about if the woman is beautiful or he finds her attractive or whatever. And it's not old-fashioned or conservative either. It simply comes down to "Don't be an a--hole". Your father apparently isn't learning that one very quickly.

Nelson1967
02-23-17, 09:09 PM
James leamon says never engage in fights ever at all
He taught me not to ever engage at all
Time u set up boundaries of your own now
Men think and process different then women do
Always do like this : what where how and when with each sentence