View Full Version : Is it adhd or is he just not interested?


sunflower93
02-16-17, 07:22 PM
I have been dating this guy since September last year. At the beginning he was really into me and at one point he even told me he wanted to marry me.
Few weeks later he changed his behavior, and started ignoring my texts and not initiating contact. This has lasted until today. I have asked him a couple of times, and one time he blamed his ADHD, whilst the other time he said he was too busy. Too busy to text? It feels like I'm running after him and he's acting passive and not caring at all.

I don't know what to do, since I really like him and want to make it work out.

sarahsweets
02-16-17, 10:31 PM
I have been dating this guy since September last year. At the beginning he was really into me and at one point he even told me he wanted to marry me.
Telling you and doing it are not the same thing.

Few weeks later he changed his behavior, and started ignoring my texts and not initiating contact. This has lasted until today. I have asked him a couple of times, and one time he blamed his ADHD, whilst the other time he said he was too busy. Too busy to text? It feels like I'm running after him and he's acting passive and not caring at all.

I don't know what to do, since I really like him and want to make it work out.

I suggest let him go. It doesnt matter if its adhd, another girl, busy life or plain douche baggery- save yourself the energy and heart ache.

ToneTone
02-17-17, 12:54 AM
My view is that if you have to ask, then no, he's not that into you ...

Assume that ambivalence is a no. You save a lot of time that way.

Tone

Pilgrim
02-17-17, 05:33 AM
Punt him.

Fraser_0762
02-17-17, 06:16 AM
Well his ignoring of you is certainly working in his favour if it has you chasing after him. That sort of thing can occur a lot in relationships.

sunflower93
02-17-17, 06:50 AM
Thanks for your answers.
I remember one time I saw his facebook inbox and it was literally full of unread messages. So I know for sure that I'm not the only one he's doing this to, and I've noticed our mutual friends have also complained about the same thing.
Whenever I'm with him he's so in the moment. It's like nothing exists except me. But when we say lur goodbyes it's back to me chasing him. Frustrating.

dvdnvwls
02-17-17, 03:29 PM
If you knew for sure that this was 100% caused by ADHD, would that really change your mind about anything? Would it make you decide to stick with him? Would that be a good thing?

sunflower93
02-17-17, 05:23 PM
If you knew for sure that this was 100% caused by ADHD, would that really change your mind about anything? Would it make you decide to stick with him? Would that be a good thing?

There is a huge difference to whether it is solely caused by his ADHD, or if he is simply being a douchebag. I would at least try to understand and maybe figure things out with him.

Little Nut
02-17-17, 06:52 PM
I have been dating this guy since September last year. At the beginning he was really into me and at one point he even told me he wanted to marry me.
Few weeks later he changed his behavior, and started ignoring my texts and not initiating contact. This has lasted until today. I have asked him a couple of times, and one time he blamed his ADHD, whilst the other time he said he was too busy. Too busy to text? It feels like I'm running after him and he's acting passive and not caring at all.

I don't know what to do, since I really like him and want to make it work out.

Quick read based on your post.


During the 5 months you have made it clear to him that you liked him and want to pursue a relationship.
After 5 months if he wanted a relationship, you would have one.
Taking another step, does this happen to you "kinda often" with relationships. Not saying this is the case at all. If it does happen kinda often, there may be an issue on your side too.


HTH, -LN

sunflower93
02-17-17, 07:16 PM
Quick read based on your post.


During the 5 months you have made it clear to him that you liked him and want to pursue a relationship.
After 5 months if he wanted a relationship, you would have one.
Taking another step, does this happen to you "kinda often" with relationships. Not saying this is the case at all. If it does happen kinda often, there may be an issue on your side too.


HTH, -LN

First time I experience this

fisherfisher
02-17-17, 07:33 PM
Too busy to text? Completely possible. Texting diverts my attention from what I'm trying to focus on so I often will glance at a message to make sure it doesn't need immediate attention, later on when I have the time I forget to respond.

Not initiating contact though. That's a concern. When I'm into someone I physically go see them. Its rare for me to make a plan, but if I know my gf is feeling neglected or if I know I have time off and want to spend it with her, then I will make an effort to call her and make the plan. I'm more likely to show up unannounced and hope she's available, but either way I initiate contact as much or more then she does.

Traveler5
02-17-17, 09:23 PM
To be honest, he sounds like he's a jerk with you -- you deserve better. Do you want to be part of that? I wouldn't want to marry a guy like that. There are other fish out there to catch. Toss him back in the water and let him go. Time to move on.

dvdnvwls
02-18-17, 12:26 AM
I sometimes stop communicating when I'm scared and don't know what to do. I get afraid that maybe I've messed things up so badly that there's no solution. There are very few people who haven't had that from me at some time or another. Even my mother was once really worried about me because I hadn't called her in so long.

sunflower93
02-18-17, 05:03 PM
I sometimes stop communicating when I'm scared and don't know what to do. I get afraid that maybe I've messed things up so badly that there's no solution. There are very few people who haven't had that from me at some time or another. Even my mother was once really worried about me because I hadn't called her in so long.

Sounds like the guy I'm talking about. He hasn't even talked to his parents for several months now

Nelson1967
02-23-17, 09:04 PM
Maybe he has undiagnosed Aspergers too let him go kinda in your same deal we live together though mine just rather do his day to day routine do not text him no more do not tolerate the mess men normally are bad social Any how in needs the skills training or he was a players

dvdnvwls
02-24-17, 12:07 PM
Sounds like the guy I'm talking about. He hasn't even talked to his parents for several months now
If he's acting like this for the same reason I was, then what he needs is empathy, and major help with something that he sees as a horrible unsolvable problem.

Empathy for me in that situation must have been difficult, because I was acting like I didn't care about anyone or anything. That wasn't true, but it must have looked that way. And... unfortunately, I was right - the problem I was having really did turn out to be a difficult one, even with a lot of help from others.

About empathy, the main thing I think I felt like saying was "I already feel like a complete idiot - please don't make it worse". Well, that plus "I'm terrified of what's happening and I need your help and I'm also terrified that you won't be able to help and what's the point anyway".

dvdnvwls
02-24-17, 12:46 PM
Above, beginning of the second paragraph, I meant "To have empathy for me...", not "Me having empathy...".

sunflower93
02-28-17, 02:23 PM
He has this habit of shutting people out of his life for a while. Recently he deactivated his social media profiles. I just wish he could be more open and honest with me rather than fearing he will appear to be less of a man because of the problems he is facing

Fortune
02-28-17, 08:16 PM
Stay on topic. There's no need to descend into extended theorizing about anyone's state of mind or extrapolate possibilities from basically nothing.

I've already removed several posts that constituted a significant digression. Don't do it again.

dvdnvwls
02-28-17, 08:48 PM
He has this habit of shutting people out of his life for a while. Recently he deactivated his social media profiles. I just wish he could be more open and honest with me rather than fearing he will appear to be less of a man because of the problems he is facing

Yes, I get that.

In my experience, the fear that drives me away is from far in the past, and it takes a lot of new experiences of being accepted by a particular person, especially including on my bad days, to convince me that I'm really safe.

Many of us with ADHD have had the experience one too many times, where someone seems safe and accepting at first but then one day ambushes us with all the usual non-accepting expectations and assumptions. It often happens in crisis times.

aeon
02-28-17, 09:58 PM
In my experience, the fear that drives me away is from far in the past, and it takes a lot of new experiences of being accepted by a particular person, especially including on my bad days, to convince me that I'm really safe.

In general, this is true, but I have to say that sometimes there is that rare person where the experience of them is such that you can know, almost right away...and yes, this is rare as henís teeth. It also seems to help when they have their own bad days, such that they have some experience, perspective, and understanding.

Many of us with ADHD have had the experience one too many times, where someone seems safe and accepting at first but then one day ambushes us with all the usual non-accepting expectations and assumptions. It often happens in crisis times.

Especially then, and not too surprising, I guess, even though that doesnít make it hurt any less.

And then if you are blessed to have someone who respects and loves your person despite your situation, and crisis, and stays with you no matter what, and even helps, and meets you where you are...well, the first time, you pinch yourself, hard.

---

Regarding interest: if I am in to someone, I am in to someone...to the degree that if they are not in to me at the same level, they might run screaming.

OK, not really, but I donít think anyone has ever been unclear as to my intentions.

Now of course, other people will be otherwise, and how I am doesnít define a standard, or help in any way, but I felt I had to say something, because despite my ADHD-PI, if I am interested in someone, I summon a focus and attention that nothing else in my life has ever received. By the books, Iím probably even doing it wrong, but thatís who I am, and how I do things.

Thankfully, my sweetie seems to like it, even when it might seem I am close to going off the deep end. And I donít try to say things she would like (what a disaster that would be! :doh:)...I just am myself, and finally I am OK, loved even, and it is more and better than I could have ever imagined. :)


Cheers,
Ian

Letching Gray
02-28-17, 10:42 PM
I have been dating this guy since September last year. At the beginning he was really into me and at one point he even told me he wanted to marry me.
Few weeks later he changed his behavior, and started ignoring my texts and not initiating contact. This has lasted until today. I have asked him a couple of times, and one time he blamed his ADHD, whilst the other time he said he was too busy. Too busy to text? It feels like I'm running after him and he's acting passive and not caring at all.

I don't know what to do, since I really like him and want to make it work out.

In the beginning he wanted to marry you and in about 3 weeks from that point he's been ignoring you? This started in September, so he's been ignoring you for at least 5 months?

If you had a daughter and she just told you the same things about a guy she wanted to get to know better, what would you want her to do?

I have sisters, around a half million it seems sometimes. If one were to present that scenario to me with a question of what to do, I'd say something like: Have you heard of the 100 meter dash? Marathons of 26 miles run as fast as is humanly possible? Have you seen an SST crack Mach 2? Are you aware that the speed of light is 186,200 MPS? Well, you have to get away from this schmuck 10,000,000 faster than any of those rates of propulsion. I'm a guy with profound/severe ADHD among other issues, so from my experience let me share with you that if he was still enthralled, he'd be knocking your door down. You are just what the doctor ordered for an ADHD guy.

Seriously, if he's in to you, he'll find out if you bolt. Some of us are that way.

Postulate
02-28-17, 10:43 PM
And I don’t try to say things she would like (what a disaster that would be! :doh:)...I just am myself, and finally I am OK, loved even, and it is more and better than I could have ever imagined. :)

Ok I got useful scientific input on this. It's very on topic. It is I promise, look:

:grouphug:

Yeey! Everybody play!

Yeey yeey!

Everybody sway!

Yeey yeey!

We love eachother in every way!!!! YEEEY!!!! :grouphug:


Ok I gotta make that my disclaimer. Aeon, what you describe is very true and it has something to do with shy smokers say they like the ritual of smoking. The thing is, when your dopamine increases, you feel good and your brain mistakenly believes that your reality at that particular time is what caused the pleasure. I always tell them dude, if instead of starting to smoke, you chewed nicotine gum while playing with your pen, playing with your pen was gona become your favorite ritual. It doesn't matter what you do, it's a coincidence that when your dopamine increases, you happen to perform the smoking ritual, nothing more.

If she likes you and she is sexually attracted to you, she feels pleasure, and her brain associates whatever you're saying with something pleasant. This is not to diminish your romantic prouesse, but to emphasize that if a woman is in love with you, there's not many mis-steps you can take in terms of conversation if you're skilled to some extend and you don't actively aim to hurt her. Very important specification.

aeon
02-28-17, 10:56 PM
If she likes you and she is sexually attracted to you, she feels pleasure, and her brain associates whatever you're saying with something pleasant. This is not to diminish your romantic prouesse, but to emphasize that if a woman is in love with you, there's not many mis-steps you can take in terms of conversation if you're skilled to some extend and you don't actively aim to hurt her. Very important specification.

True that, and I know the science behind it. That said, to experience it, in mutuality...if I try and use language to describe the experience of it...I want to say something profound like...ďitís magic!Ē :doh:

---

I made it to age 47 before feeling this way (about anyone), so a part of me is like a child filled with the joy of novel experience.

My ADHD be damned, my sweetie and I are looking into each othersí eyes as we sit together at the center of the universe.

Interest? No...I was born to love her. ❤


Squee,
Ian

Hermus
03-01-17, 12:43 AM
As other people here have said it has absolutely nothing to do with ADHD. If he has been ignoring you since September than you can assume things are over between the two of you. He either doesn't have the guts to tell you or it simply suits him to have you standby.

It would also be good to examine yourself and I don't mean that in a harsh way. What is it in you that makes that someone doesn't respond to you for half a year and you still don't accept things are over? After a few weeks of no contact I think the message should already have been clear.

dvdnvwls
03-01-17, 01:01 AM
When I responded earlier, I didn't have that very long timeline in my head.

sunflower93
03-01-17, 05:41 AM
Thanks guys. I guess I'll just let him go. I've been dating other people now so hopefully it'll make it easier to forget about him.

TurtleBrain
03-01-17, 07:47 AM
Adhd? I can't be sure, but maybe. While I don't always have the motivation to initiate conversations on facebook, I always reply if an old friend messages me.

To me it seems the guy is even more non-social than me.

Letching Gray
03-01-17, 10:07 PM
Thanks guys. I guess I'll just let him go. I've been dating other people now so hopefully it'll make it easier to forget about him.


Way to go. Don't be surprised if he comes back begging