View Full Version : Break Up


willow129
02-21-17, 03:57 PM
Aaaaaaagh my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I'm dyiiiiing. This sucks. He couldn't deal with me leaving for gigs, he would ignore me when I was gone. I told him that really hurts my feelings, but he did it again this past weekend and I called him out on it - on Facebook of course cuz he wouldn't answer his phone or texts - Agh! He did message me back though.

Anyways I got home yesterday, he said obviously we need to talk, I went over, didn't really know if he was going to want to break up, but I was definitely ready to talk about things and think about more productive solutions. If anyone can be really sympathetic/patient about attachment issues it would be me! Heh. Maybe not other things but yes that.

Anyways it was awful I was crying my eyeballs out the whole time. He wouldn't actually say he was breaking up with me, never did he say that, he just said he couldn't deal with me being gone, he couldn't deal with the amount that I work for teaching, he hates it, why does my schedule have to suck so much, he sees no solution - I'm on vacation dude!!!! Right. Now. Am. Currently. On. Break!!!! We could spend the whole day together TOMORROW! I'm home now! But he wasn't really looking for solutions cuz he had made up his mind while I was gone.

It was weird though, I was like I need you to tell me if you're breaking up with me or if we're staying together, and he was just silent, he wouldn't answer, I asked him twice and that was the response, and then I would start crying again and he said he was so torn, that it wasn't the "stand up" thing to do to stay with me when he couldn't deal with my schedule. so then I stumbled around crying getting my stuff together and out of his apartment. And then he was all why are you running away? And I said did you think that you were going to break up with me and I was going to stay here?! Did you think I was going to sleep with you? I mean it was like 9 o'clock at night and he has to get up at 5. It was so weird!! I said I need to leave now and start getting over you.

And he wanted to know what was going to happen next and I said I needed space to get over him, and he was like we're friends, we have a connection, I want to take care of you, I've never not been friends or not been there for an ex.

I told him I never ever needed him to take care of me, He knows that, I have other friends, I don't want to be friends with him I want more than that - I've honestly had this same conversation 3 times in the past year, it is so well rehearsed now. I definitely do not understand why people go on about being friends when ending a romantic relationship. That's something that happens or it doesn't but it's certainly not a requirement! I told him not to guilt trip me for needing space.

He said wow is that how you see me, really? I told him that I wanted to be with someone who loves me for all that I am, and would work with me on my schedule, and he is just not that person so I can't spend more time on him. He said wow so I'm just expendable? And then I said that he could try to, but I wouldn't accept him trying to make me into a bad person. Like hello! You're breaking up with me not the other way around. Wow emotions and people's responses are complicated.

I feel like I also do things to try to make people evil in my brain so I can justify having to move on, but I've been through this so many times now I recognize that's what I'm doing. It's this roller coaster of this person is the Spawn of Satan and he has hurt me so badly it's so awful I wish I'd never met him...no he is the sweetest human being on the planet and I just want him to show up on my doorstep and hold me!! And I recognize now the struggle of holding the two opposing, but true, thoughts/feelings in my head and that it's nearly impossible to be rational at first, and add in when the other person is going through that too but with poor self awareness, holy crud.

And now I'm on vacation, am alone, my grandpa just passed away, my best friends are also musicians and either don't live near me, or just left for Louisiana till next Thursday. Wahoooo. It's like my lonely emotionally tortured summer all over again. Hello again single Willow. My cat is happy.

midnightstar
02-21-17, 04:30 PM
Oh no wonderful willow :( If you want my honest opinion if he can't handle you enjoying yourself without him he's the wrong guy for you :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
02-21-17, 04:44 PM
I'm sorry you're going through this.

He avoided answering because he was hoping to hear you say you'd change everything to suit him.

Or he was trying to make you feel like the whole thing was your fault. :(

It's not like he didn't know this about you.


He may have had other reasons he wanted to break up - what he said could have been the truth, or only part of the truth, or even just a convenient excuse.

Fuzzy12
02-21-17, 04:45 PM
Willow I'm so sorry (about your grandpa too). He sounds supremely confused. How frustrating it must have been for you to not hear him say clearly that he is breaking up. Uggh I don't know why people do that.

Good on you for not letting him pressurise you into being friends if you don't want to be.

Take good care of yourself and focus on being good to YOU. You will be all right. Huge hugs!! :grouphug:

sarahsweets
02-21-17, 04:46 PM
Woaa slow your roll girl!


Aaaaaaagh my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I'm dyiiiiing. This sucks. He couldn't deal with me leaving for gigs, he would ignore me when I was gone. I told him that really hurts my feelings, but he did it again this past weekend and I called him out on it - on Facebook of course cuz he wouldn't answer his phone or texts
This right here is a huge issue. You had to hunt him down on social media. People that care about each other and who are mature do not even go near social media to communicate with each other.

- Agh! He did message me back though. Anyways I got home yesterday, he said obviously we need to talk, I went over, didn't really know if he was going to want to break up, but I was definitely ready to talk about things and think about more productive solutions. If anyone can be really sympathetic/patient about attachment issues it would be me! Heh. Maybe not other things but yes that. There really arent any solutions to someone who ignores you.

Anyways it was awful I was crying my eyeballs out the whole time. He wouldn't actually say he was breaking up with me, never did he say that, he just said he couldn't deal with me being gone, he couldn't deal with the amount that I work for teaching, he hates it, why does my schedule have to suck so much, he sees no solution - I'm on vacation dude!!!! Right. Now. Am. Currently. On. Break!!!! We could spend the whole day together TOMORROW! I'm home now! But he wasn't really looking for solutions cuz he had made up his mind while I was gone. He was being a coward. He wanted to break up with you but is afraid to say "Im breaking up with you."

It was weird though, I was like I need you to tell me if you're breaking up with me or if we're staying together, and he was just silent, he wouldn't answer, I asked him twice and that was the response, and then I would start crying again and he said he was so torn, that it wasn't the "stand up" thing to do to stay with me when he couldn't deal with my schedule. so then I stumbled around crying getting my stuff together and out of his apartment. And then he was all why are you running away? And I said did you think that you were going to break up with me and I was going to stay here?! Did you think I was going to sleep with you? I mean it was like 9 o'clock at night and he has to get up at 5. It was so weird!! I said I need to leave now and start getting over you. And he wanted to know what was going to happen next and I said I needed space to get over him, and he was like we're friends, we have a connection, I want to take care of you, I've never not been friends or not been there for an ex.
He was feeling bad that you were crying and 10 to 1 he is looking for a friends with benefits severance package. I bolded the part you might want to take a look at because this is a pattern for you and I can see how it might be a little codependent.


I told him I never ever needed him to take care of me, He knows that, I have other friends, I don't want to be friends with him I want more than that - I've honestly had this same conversation 3 times in the past year, it is so well rehearsed now.
With him? Or other guys?

I definitely do not understand why people go on about being friends when ending a romantic relationship. That's something that happens or it doesn't but it's certainly not a requirement! I told him not to guilt trip me for needing space. He said wow is that how you see me, really? I told him that I wanted to be with someone who loves me for all that I am, and would work with me on my schedule, and he is just not that person so I can't spend more time on him. He said wow so I'm just expendable? And then I said that he could try to, but I wouldn't accept him trying to make me into a bad person.
You shouldnt have engaged him any further, just get your stuff and go. Now he is playing games to make himself feel better.

I feel like I also do things to try to make people evil in my brain so I can justify having to move on, but I've been through this so many times now I recognize that's what I'm doing. It's this roller coaster of this person is the Spawn of Satan and he has hurt me so badly it's so awful I wish I'd never met him...no he is the sweetest human being on the planet and I just want him to show up on my doorstep and hold me!! And I recognize now the struggle of holding the two opposing, but true, thoughts/feelings in my head and that it's nearly impossible to be rational at first, and add in when the other person is going through that too but with poor self awareness, holy crud.

You are allowed to make the offending person into whatever will help you move on, avoid conflict and avoid hurt.

And now I'm on vacation, am alone, my grandpa just passed away, my best friends are also musicians and either don't live near me, or just left for Louisiana till next Thursday. Wahoooo. It's like my lonely emotionally tortured summer all over again. Hello again single Willow. My cat is happy.

So sorry your vacation is kinda ruined but try and use the time to think about why these types of relationships could be a pattern for you. When we are part of patterns its no longer about "why does this stuff always happen to me" its "why do I let this stuff happen to me and how can I change my behavior and keep it from happening?"

willow129
02-21-17, 06:23 PM
He avoided answering because he was hoping to hear you say you'd change everything to suit him.

Or he was trying to make you feel like the whole thing was your fault. :(

It's not like he didn't know this about you.


He may have had other reasons he wanted to break up - what he said could have been the truth, or only part of the truth, or even just a convenient excuse.

:goodpost:
Yup. I agree. And I've experienced this behavior before also, I'm finally [FINALLY] starting to recognize the...like...manipulation. I mean at the time I was just choked up and crying and I was having a hard time physically speaking but I do feel I knew mentally what was going on BUT it was making me angry and more upset/crying. It was just so...I don't know...it seemed so obvious to me that we needed/were going to break up, except I also wished it didn't have to be that way, but it was obvious about 10 minutes after I walked in the door, AND I feel that is what he wanted, even though I also know he really likes me, it was just I wanted him to say it to help me in the moment. Like ripping off the band aid. And I didn't realize that it would be so hard for him which was just...I wasn't anticipating THAT I guess. Whatever his reasons were for not outright speaking, it doesn't really matter, but it definitely made me more emotional, if that's what he was going for it worked. I'm ok now though. Really.

And as far as why he wanted to break up, I mean, the issue of time together made us both insecure in a couple of different ways I think and made us think more critically about the whole thing and whether it was worth it. Or, I know it did for me and it would be only natural for him to think the same. It doesn't really matter, the other stuff we may have been able to be flexible on, or maybe not, but we had definitely reached an impasse for *both* of us with my traveling. So I think I will not hypothesize about other reasons, I have no way of knowing what they are, just as he does not necessarily know what my other doubts are, and it would probably just make me feel bad about myself to try to guess.

willow129
02-21-17, 08:03 PM
Woaa slow your roll girl!
Hahaha :giggle: I knew you would have so much to say :D I kinda couldn't wait for your reply.


This right here is a huge issue. You had to hunt him down on social media. People that care about each other and who are mature do not even go near social media to communicate with each other.

There really arent any solutions to someone who ignores you.

He was being a coward. He wanted to break up with you but is afraid to say "Im breaking up with you."

He was feeling bad that you were crying and 10 to 1 he is looking for a friends with benefits severance package. I bolded the part you might want to take a look at because this is a pattern for you and I can see how it might be a little codependent.

Friends with benefits: Oh Hell No. (Ha! I am saying that in my head the way he does, ironic. But also funny.) Yeah no. I've been through that and I won't be doing it again. And actually I think he ultimately knows that that's not productive as well, from his past experience, but either way I don't really care, I'm not interested.
The bolded section - just to clarify and I would be curious to hear if you have further thoughts, that's what HE said actually. so the conversation was sort of...

Him: what is going to happen now?
Me: I need space to get over you
Him: we're friends, we have a connection, I want to take care of you, I've never not been friends or not been there for an ex.
Me (not buying it! just for the record!): I don't have friendly feelings for you, I have romantic feelings for you. I need space to get over you. Don't guilt trip me for needing space.

You know, actually, really, I do worry about me and co-dependence for sure, I think it is a thing. But I have to say...like...I also think I've made growth. Like I did see the red flags in his actions. And it's really nice having those things confirmed as well but I also feel proud that I didn't even really need to go to anyone to confirm them. Like I have to resort to FACEBOOK to communicate with my boyfriend?! That's RIDICULOUS. So dumb. At that point I was like I don't think this is redeemable. I did recognize, like, in January that I was starting to do some of my trademark anxiety stuff, which in the past I haven't identified as coming from insecurity in relationships but I did this time. I brought up what was making me anxious to him which is that I felt that he needed to make a decision about whether or not he could handle me working and traveling a lot. I had left for a weekend in January and he was doing the ignoring thing then. When I got home I told him it wasn't ok for me, I was away doing my job and needed his support, and that if he couldn't deal with it he needed to let me know right away because I wasn't going to change and I don't need another guy to "waste my time". He brought up that I said that to him several times, like, you know, probably to guilt me. What can I say? I do honestly think I have had my time wasted by boyfriends. **shrug** I'm tired of it. It's interesting, I think he knows that his behavior isn't healthy, he would do things and then say he was being a baby. But I don't plan on playing a role in his emotional growth! I just think he does know.

He pulled the same thing again when I had 2 local gigs here the weekend before last, and it was just ridiculous because in not replying to me he actually made it so that we couldn't spend time together when I had a day off. He just expected me to read his mind and that was totally his own fault. When I got back I said let's talk about some better ways to work on this and he didn't want to, I let it go for the moment because I could tell he was upset but I meant to bring it up again. But we just didn't get a chance to really talk again last week, there was weather and snowdays and work and kids and stuff, SO this past weekend, I didn't know what to expect but he was upset going into it, and I was thinking if he does it again he's just trying to sabotage this whole thing and make it seem like it's my fault. One more chance, let's see what happens. Yup! Same old ignoring. Same old me feeling like **** reaction. It really did affect me at the gig because I was disappointed. But really, EFF that noise. No thanks honey. So in facebook [dumb] I outlined, for the record, how what he was doing was manipulative and unsupportive, and when he texted and said we obviously need to talk, I thought maybe he was ready to er talk but also, like, he totally dodged my question which was CAN you show me you love me if I'm traveling? So I was looking for a straight yes or no answer to that before anything else. And yesterday he told me he couldn't deal with me being gone and that ignoring me was just how he deals with it, so, I did not beg or plead or anything, I cried a lot, packed up the things I'd been keeping there, left, called my friend, and stayed at their place for the night. I do think I did pretty well. For me.

With him? Or other guys? Other guys. My ex of 5 years, the guy I had a horrible crush on, and then him.


You shouldnt have engaged him any further, just get your stuff and go. Now he is playing games to make himself feel better. I mean yeah, this conversation all happened while I was walking around getting my things.



You are allowed to make the offending person into whatever will help you move on, avoid conflict and avoid hurt.

So sorry your vacation is kinda ruined but try and use the time to think about why these types of relationships could be a pattern for you. When we are part of patterns its no longer about "why does this stuff always happen to me" its "why do I let this stuff happen to me and how can I change my behavior and keep it from happening?"

Thanks...yeah...I appreciate that!

I think you would like this, at my friends' place, there was a woman, a guitarist crashing there for the night who I'd never met before but I was talking about what had happened, and she asked "do you feel empowered by this?" and I was like ...I mean...not really... and she, I can't remember exactly what she said but just that being not in a relationship means I can focus on feeling empowered and that I should do the things that make me feel centered, that I have my 2 feet under me, and am making my own choices. And I know that's not a really astonishing revelation but, I've realized, in the space of my relationship with this guy, I actually have a lot of things at my fingertips, I've arranged my life in a way that I do have a support system. I have a whole slew of people who share my interests and are concerned about me not disappearing from the things they know I love and they have seen me happy doing. When I brought up to my friends that my boyfriend was having trouble with me traveling - and I HAD friends to see and bring it up to - they were like, uuuh, that's not going to work for you! And, I already knew that, but I had people who were concerned and checking in. I have things that I'm excited and passionate about. When I first went on a date with this guy, we hung out for a while but I had other stuff going on that night, which I went and did, I remember establishing right away that I had other interests and like...it's been really obvious to me, I guess because he really doesn't have the same kind of network that I do, and activities that he is really into, I've got so much going for me!!! I remember him talking about me in relation to the other girlfriends he has had recently, and he said that he did like that I was more independent (but I guess he didn't like it enough! ha.) And I was like oh? I'm independent? And he said yeah, when I first met you, it was clear you didn't need me! And I thought, yeah! It's true! I don't need you! I've got this whole career I've built up and am pursuing, I'm talented, I have activities I engage in which help me grow as a person, help me meet other nice people, and I'm surrounded by SO many wonderful people. I mean there's definitely stuff in my life that's really frustrating, and I absolutely am still working on finding balance in a big way, and I know I will feel alone living by myself at times, but I really don't feel at the moment like I don't know what to do with myself. I don't *have* to do anything in particular right now if I don't want to, and I also have so many things I *can* do that I will enjoy, even if overall I feel crummy that this didn't work out - maybe it's kind of good this happened over vacation so I have time to make my own choices to process things, and I don't have to schedule that around work.

Anyways! so, today, I cried, which is fine, I've done some deleting/disengaging and such on social media, I've watched some news, I've read some ADDF, and most importantly I've talked to/connected with 3 of my favoritest people on the phone, like good long phone calls. :) Oh and I made myself pancakes :D And had kitty snuggles. SNUGGLESNUGGLE.

OK that was long but, yeah, I mean I am definitely hurting, I know that this guy was doing bad things, but there was definitely a lot of very very sweet in there too. So I have to be careful. BUT I think I am slowly accumulating resources to not feel the need to get sucked back in - if he were to try - or get sucked into some other relationship to feel better.

Little Nut
02-21-17, 08:28 PM
Willow, All I can offer is that women crying in situations like yours is kryptonite to some men, including me. All reason, thought, focus go out the window and are strongly inclined to do or say whatever to stop her from crying. I have said things and done things that in the long run only make the situation worse or much worse. For me I just try to shut up, try to listen, and be very very deliberate in what I do or say. Maybe the same for your ex bf. Best Wishes, -Tom

dvdnvwls
02-21-17, 08:53 PM
Tom: I have experienced the same thing, me being completely flummoxed by crying. It includes situations where the other person has no intent to manipulate me.

That makes it a difficult thing to navigate, because while the person was in no way "messing with" me, I was "getting messed with" anyway, because of my own internal stuff.

I think the word "codependent" gets thrown around irresponsibly, including by famous authors, some of whom really need to be more aware of what they're saying before they say it. I believe acting what they would stupidly call "mutually codependent" is exactly what makes a relationship work.

Real codependency is a bad thing, but the authors have stretched the definition so far out of shape that the way they use it no longer means much of anything.

Codependent means person A is substance dependent, and person B unwittingly becomes dependent on the consequences of person A's substance abuse. And that's all.

sarahsweets
02-22-17, 05:51 AM
Hahaha :giggle: I knew you would have so much to say :D I kinda couldn't wait for your reply.



Friends with benefits: Oh Hell No. (Ha! I am saying that in my head the way he does, ironic. But also funny.) Yeah no. I've been through that and I won't be doing it again. And actually I think he ultimately knows that that's not productive as well, from his past experience, but either way I don't really care, I'm not interested.
The bolded section - just to clarify and I would be curious to hear if you have further thoughts, that's what HE said actually. so the conversation was sort of...

Him: what is going to happen now?
Me: I need space to get over you
Him: we're friends, we have a connection, I want to take care of you, I've never not been friends or not been there for an ex.
Me (not buying it! just for the record!): I don't have friendly feelings for you, I have romantic feelings for you. I need space to get over you. Don't guilt trip me for needing space.

I do think he wanted to feel "off the hook" for breaking up with you and I also feel like he wanted to leave the door open to a relationship with you in case he changed his mind. Either way its not fair to you and he needs to take charge of his own feelings.

You know, actually, really, I do worry about me and co-dependence for sure, I think it is a thing. But I have to say...like...I also think I've made growth. Like I did see the red flags in his actions. And it's really nice having those things confirmed as well but I also feel proud that I didn't even really need to go to anyone to confirm them. Like I have to resort to FACEBOOK to communicate with my boyfriend?! That's RIDICULOUS. So dumb. At that point I was like I don't think this is redeemable. I did recognize, like, in January that I was starting to do some of my trademark anxiety stuff, which in the past I haven't identified as coming from insecurity in relationships but I did this time. I brought up what was making me anxious to him which is that I felt that he needed to make a decision about whether or not he could handle me working and traveling a lot. I had left for a weekend in January and he was doing the ignoring thing then. When I got home I told him it wasn't ok for me, I was away doing my job and needed his support, and that if he couldn't deal with it he needed to let me know right away because I wasn't going to change and I don't need another guy to "waste my time". He brought up that I said that to him several times, like, you know, probably to guilt me. What can I say? I do honestly think I have had my time wasted by boyfriends. **shrug** I'm tired of it. It's interesting, I think he knows that his behavior isn't healthy, he would do things and then say he was being a baby. But I don't plan on playing a role in his emotional growth! I just think he does know.

I get it but its important to remember that we cant be guilted by others, we are the ones who lay that guilt on ourselves because we take the bait or react to how others are being in a situation and turn it inward. I am glad you didnt let that feeling deter you from breaking up.

He pulled the same thing again when I had 2 local gigs here the weekend before last, and it was just ridiculous because in not replying to me he actually made it so that we couldn't spend time together when I had a day off. He just expected me to read his mind and that was totally his own fault. When I got back I said let's talk about some better ways to work on this and he didn't want to, I let it go for the moment because I could tell he was upset but I meant to bring it up again. But we just didn't get a chance to really talk again last week, there was weather and snowdays and work and kids and stuff, SO this past weekend, I didn't know what to expect but he was upset going into it, and I was thinking if he does it again he's just trying to sabotage this whole thing and make it seem like it's my fault. One more chance, let's see what happens. Yup! Same old ignoring. Same old me feeling like **** reaction. It really did affect me at the gig because I was disappointed. But really, EFF that noise. No thanks honey. So in facebook [dumb] I outlined, for the record, how what he was doing was manipulative and unsupportive, and when he texted and said we obviously need to talk, I thought maybe he was ready to er talk but also, like, he totally dodged my question which was CAN you show me you love me if I'm traveling? So I was looking for a straight yes or no answer to that before anything else. And yesterday he told me he couldn't deal with me being gone and that ignoring me was just how he deals with it, so, I did not beg or plead or anything, I cried a lot, packed up the things I'd been keeping there, left, called my friend, and stayed at their place for the night. I do think I did pretty well. For me.

It sounds like he wanted things on his terms and thats not how relationships work.

Other guys. My ex of 5 years, the guy I had a horrible crush on, and then him.

I only brought that up because my experience is that when there are patterns to the kind of people I attract or am attracted to, and it turns out bad, I have to look at my own standards and warning signs to see what I avoided looking at or acknowledging.


I think you would like this, at my friends' place, there was a woman, a guitarist crashing there for the night who I'd never met before but I was talking about what had happened, and she asked "do you feel empowered by this?" and I was like ...I mean...not really... and she, I can't remember exactly what she said but just that being not in a relationship means I can focus on feeling empowered and that I should do the things that make me feel centered, that I have my 2 feet under me, and am making my own choices. And I know that's not a really astonishing revelation but, I've realized, in the space of my relationship with this guy, I actually have a lot of things at my fingertips, I've arranged my life in a way that I do have a support system. I have a whole slew of people who share my interests and are concerned about me not disappearing from the things they know I love and they have seen me happy doing. When I brought up to my friends that my boyfriend was having trouble with me traveling - and I HAD friends to see and bring it up to - they were like, uuuh, that's not going to work for you! And, I already knew that, but I had people who were concerned and checking in.
I think you should look at it as empowering because even though you were sad and crying and even though he was baiting you, you still left and thats an example of self care- and I often forget to do this myself.

Anyways! so, today, I cried, which is fine, I've done some deleting/disengaging and such on social media, I've watched some news, I've read some ADDF, and most importantly I've talked to/connected with 3 of my favoritest people on the phone, like good long phone calls. :) Oh and I made myself pancakes :D And had kitty snuggles. SNUGGLESNUGGLE.

Great! You are doing all the right things-like text book chick flick right.

OK that was long but, yeah, I mean I am definitely hurting, I know that this guy was doing bad things, but there was definitely a lot of very very sweet in there too. So I have to be careful. BUT I think I am slowly accumulating resources to not feel the need to get sucked back in - if he were to try - or get sucked into some other relationship to feel better.
Of course you are hurting. Just because he may not have been good for you doesnt mean it hurts less.

willow129
02-22-17, 10:22 AM
Tom: I have experienced the same thing, me being completely flummoxed by crying. It includes situations where the other person has no intent to manipulate me.

That makes it a difficult thing to navigate, because while the person was in no way "messing with" me, I was "getting messed with" anyway, because of my own internal stuff.

I think the word "codependent" gets thrown around irresponsibly, including by famous authors, some of whom really need to be more aware of what they're saying before they say it. I believe acting what they would stupidly call "mutually codependent" is exactly what makes a relationship work.

Real codependency is a bad thing, but the authors have stretched the definition so far out of shape that the way they use it no longer means much of anything.

Codependent means person A is substance dependent, and person B unwittingly becomes dependent on the consequences of person A's substance abuse. And that's all.

Oh! heh! :o ok, that makes sense. What's the word for what I'm thinking of then? :confused: Like, going from relationship to relationship, especially ones that are sort of controlling and have the same problems?

willow129
02-22-17, 10:25 AM
Ergh. I miss him. I have a dumbphone so deleting his texts means going through and deleting them all individually which means reading them all all over again and reliving everything. UGH. It SUCKS.
I have lots of things I can do today. I should probably start by blocking facebook. Should get out of bed and get started...

Johnny Slick
02-22-17, 10:54 AM
I have a smartphone so obvs my mileage is different but can you just ignore the texts that are already in there and just not touch them, period? Do they show up when you're doing other stuff or something? If they pop in at the bottom of the screen when you're looking at other texts, one way to fix this - and I'm not going to say that I used this tactic when I got dumped or anything but maybe I did - is to just text a bunch of other people until this person's texts fall below the first page or whatever.

As for Facebook, not that I am not ALSO speaking from experience here but there's a middle ground between blocking him on Facebook where you can set it to ignore his posts. He's none the wiser for it (when you block him and he tries to interact with you in some way he gets a thing asking to send a friend request or something like that) and you still have that available as an option if he starts getting assy with you via FB Messenger.

finallyfound10
02-22-17, 03:24 PM
Willow,

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:.

Break ups are so difficult. I do really poorly after I am broken up with so I don't have much useful advice but I think setting FB so you can't see anything of his is wise. I would maybe stay off completely for awhile, in fact.

finally

midnightstar
02-22-17, 04:50 PM
(((((wonderful willow))))) :grouphug: personally I gave up years ago with relationships, they cause more pain than they're worth :grouphug:

willow129
02-22-17, 06:35 PM
well, with my phone, it treats my texts kind of like the PMs on this forum. It's like they're all a separate message, and I have an inbox, and I run out of space in my inbox. So I have to delete old texts so that I have space, and I am doing a lot of texting of friends right now, which means I have to go back and delete old texts, most of which are from him. I just should get a smart phone but that's a whole other thing.

Facebook isn't so bad actually I mean, he does not use it much. He only uses it with very close friends and family and honestly we didn't overlap socially because we met online. So, it's just that I want to check his page I guess, but I have a program on my computer that completely blocks all of facebook, cuz it's a distraction for me either way, so I have that running right now. And I deleted all of his messages so that I wouldn't see our conversation when I do PMs on facebook.
So, well, actually I was trying to decide if I should just unfriend him all together. I mean, we're not really likely to even run into each other ever, I don't see any reason to stay in touch. It just feels very final to do that. [EDIT: I know this is final.]

Thanks for your advice everyone, it is good advice definitely. I appreciate it.

We broke up on Monday night and he has texted me twice. Once late Monday and once yesterday. I did reply, I know I KNOW I know I know I know I know I shouldn't do that. **Sigh** They sort of boil down to:
him: this sucks
me: yes but it's necessary.
me: GAH EFF YOU WHY DID YOU TEXT ME I'M SO HURT.
him: I'm sorry I hurt you. this sucks.
me: yup.

But, I've been talking to my friends a lot today, one of my best friends is also going through a break up (we seem to do this at the same time always) and the camaraderie is kind of comforting, or at least, getting to focus my energy on comforting someone else.
I dragged myself through a tiny itty bitty little bit of school prep, just practiced clarinet a bit, dinner now and then I'm gonna go dancing. I hope I will have a good time but also I will not be near my phone for the next like 4 hours which would definitely be texting time for him if he was going to, so that is very good.

Johnny Slick
02-22-17, 09:48 PM
That is a sucky situation. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

Re: the texts, do you maybe have a friend you could enlist to delete all that stuff for you? It may seem like a big ask but I'd like to think that if a friend of mine needed me to do that I'd say yes.

willow129
02-23-17, 12:14 AM
Oh! Huh. That's a good idea! Thanks! Yeah! I think I do have a friend who would totally do that for me

Postulate
02-23-17, 12:53 AM
If you don't want to sleep with him that's fine, but him offering to be there for you, sexually too, is a gentleman approach. A man who refuses sex from his ex when she asks for it, is not really a gentleman and is possibly afflicted by grudges or un-manly tendencies. Lets not publicly denounce decent man behavior or this might turn into a man hating fest.

Also, like Little Nut pointed out in this topic, when a woman is crying, it is our male instinct to provide comfort and make her stop crying. Calling this beautiful behavior cowardly is man hating in my humble opinion. From what you described, overall he doesn't seem to be a bad person. He offered you to stay and to be there for you if you need him. This was not to manipulate you, he was simply expressing his true male genes: He is a real man. Not a surrogate.

willow129
02-23-17, 02:19 AM
Uuuuh Postulate I COMPLETELY disagree with you. I mean, honestly, I wasn't even thinking of sex when I asked him if he thought I was going to sleep there. I literally was talking about sleeping. Even just sleeping next to him was not going to work for me. I was expressing my needs: to be with my friends and to receive their support and begin to move on. Those were my needs!! Not SEX. What the heck. The guy was breaking up with me! Why would I have sex with him?? Anyways, he was not offering help, or comforting sex, he was asking me why I was "running away". I wasn't "running" anywhere, actually for a bit there he was holding me so I couldn't actually MOVE [he is giant and incredibly strong, I would have been totally helpless if he had wanted to keep me there physically.] I had to repeat myself multiple times (through the crying) before he would let me go physically - and WHILE he was doing that, holding me so I couldn't move, he was asking me why I was running away. I was not doing anything unreasonable, I was not trying to ignore anything in the situation. I had accepted that he was breaking up with me, that it wasn't going to work, and since I emotionally couldn't sleep there next to him there was nothing else for me to do but gather my things and leave.

Also WHOA what planet do you live on?? A man [and also a woman] has EVERY. RIGHT. to refuse sex from his ex. And that has ZERO bearing on whether or not he is a gentleman!!! That has NO impact on how I feel about whether or not my ex is a gentleman. And again, that is NOT what was happening. I was not asking for sex and he was not refusing OR offering it.

As far as me crying, I didn't need his help, or his comfort. I appreciate that he wanted to give that, but help and comfort come from listening to someone when they tell you what their needs are. I needed him to hear my needs and respect them. My needs were that I needed to leave and be with my friends.

A healthy balance between work and family is something that *I* determine for myself and I don't need anyone else's approval on that. I had every right to feel like this was the last chance for him to see if he could deal with me being gone, as did he, and he couldn't handle it. I do feel that my work teaching takes up too much of my time, I feel that my schedule needs adjusting, but I am in the middle of a school year right now, it's not changing anytime this year. My job is my job and my job description won't be changing until the summer. All I can do is gather information and think of strategies/solutions/ideas to propose to my boss/principal for next year. Which is what I am doing. And, part of the reason I did love this guy is because he did actually help me get some perspective on that and he listened to me and helped me figure out some of the things I want. BUT, someone who really felt that this was the right relationship for him, would have understood that that particular problem is a work in progress which I am doing as much as I can on right now. It is not something that can be fixed at the moment. The most helpful thing a partner could do for me would be to understood that changes would not happen until next year, and hang in there with me. But it's ok that he couldn't do that.

As far as my schedule being a bit busy lately, well, I am allowed to have a busy schedule, BUT my schedule was CRAZY in December. I had gigs every weekend, some of which involved traveling away for the weekend, as well as concerts during the week, as well as prep for my school's show. I never hid from him that I had a lot going on, and he asked me to be his girlfriend in December when I was *insanely* busy. Actually, my schedule has been relatively free lately. On average throughout the year I have about one weekend away a month, and he would totally be welcome to come with me to any of them, if he wanted to. But, I didn't have any traveling gigs until the last weekend in January. I was doing a TON of prep for school, but I was around. The first couple of weeks in February we had 4 snowdays. So I was definitely around! And I spent the day or afternoon with him for a number of those. Actually, something that limited our time together was the fact that his ex-wife freaked out about him letting a girlfriend be around their boys and she threatened to take him to court about it. So, starting in late January, I avoided being around if his boys were there - because I didn't want to stir the pot - and he also felt that that was a good idea for time being. I NEVER complained to him about that, even though I thought it was unrealistic, I never gave him the cold shoulder, I was always supportive of him being with his kids, EVEN when unplanned things came up and they had to stay with him longer, which affected my/his plans to spend time together. I knew that was a non-negotiable for him, and something that brought him joy. Well, my traveling and playing is a non-negotiable for me, and also something that brings me joy. What he was doing to ME was ignoring me, like not really responding to my texts, and not calling me back when I was away on gigs. I was doing my JOB, not going and blowing him off or something. The time in January when I was gone, he spent most of the weekend ignoring me - not completely but enough that I noticed/got the message - until my flight was grounded for hours in Florida and I wasn't able to get home and THEN he called me. So to me it was like - ok, he will only pay attention to me when something is going wrong on my end? That's not ok. There is nothing in that that I need to change. HE even said to ME that he was being a big baby. The other thing is, the next weekend that I had a gig, a bit later, his ignoring me prevented us from being able to spend time together the next day. My bandmates and I ended up deciding to drive back home in the night to avoid another snowstorm, I texted him that that was the plan [at 4 PM], and he did not respond. But he apparently left the door unlocked for me to get into his apartment. Well, not knowing that, I went home to my apartment [disappointed] and went to sleep [this was at like 2 AM, he had PLENTY of time to respond.] By the time I woke up the next day and saw his text that he missed me, and that he had left the door unlocked for me and had hoped I would come over, it had already started snowing like crazy and I could not go anywhere. He was really upset, but I totally would have come to see him. Again, there was nothing more I could do, I was traveling, working, performing, he was sitting at home watching TV. I communicated with him, I let him know what my plans were with the intent of spending time together. He was honestly upset that I left him at all. :-/ It's sad. :( I wish it hadn't been that way. But I think I am doing everything I can to balance my life right now, and I need to continue to do the things I love to feel balanced. He directly had a problem with me doing the things that I love.

So. ok, anyways. :) that's mah story!

TerriMincy
02-23-17, 08:10 AM
Ohh...sorry to hear that..:(

midnightstar
02-23-17, 10:05 AM
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stef
02-23-17, 10:42 AM
Thread closed temporarily for review

anonymouslyadd
02-24-17, 01:28 AM
Thank you all for your patience.

We need to remember that this is a place for support. Advice should be kept constructive and respectful. Posts that go against the guidelines, whether on purpose or not, will be edited or removed entirely.

Thank you for your cooperation in advance! :)

Anon

willow129
02-24-17, 05:55 PM
This is....stupidly long...ADDF is my journal?!



So, I am figuring out how to proceed from here - I feel like there’s some bigger issues I need to face, and I need like…a plan of action.

I realize I’ve been feeling that I need someone to fix me [I think that's from the 26 years of undiagnosed ADHD, just tearing my hair out not knowing what to do with myself, and other things from childhood] and I’m pretty uncomfortable with single me.

I have very low self confidence. It's very easy for me to feel insecure in a relationship, and I started feeling, at the end of the 5 year relationship, that I didn't understand how I could be in anyone's life in a positive way. There are definitely times that I'm desperate for people to confirm that I'm desirable.

I am deciding to stay away from online dating right now. Should I set a time period for myself, what's an appropriate length of time…I’m not too worried about breaking this goal with myself though honestly.
Reasons [reminding myself, mostly]: I don't need a way to meet people, I meet nice people all the time through my music. The people I meet online, especially in this area, do not tend to share my interests or values, they’re just not my “peeps”. I was going on dates left and right and hooking up and stuff all summer and fall and it was making me feel stressed and empty. But then when I was home alone with no particular plans, I was so bored and sad and then I would go online to talk to people and then meet people who I didn’t really like…it was just a waste of time, it took me away from the things that made me feel like a good person.

The thing that's a little harder to control IS the fact that I meet people in real life who do or have expressed interest. Need to/want to keep them at arm’s length so I can spend the time developing myself, and not get caught up in shaping my life around another person.

Two of my best friends at the moment are also 2 people I have had physical relationships with at one point or another.
I had the conversation with one of them a couple days ago [he is also going through a break up right now, and he is someone who is a little like… “I’ll go have sex and that will make things better! You should too!”] that I was feeling insecure and I worry about getting into that with him, ESPECIALLY because he is also feeling insecure right now. I think that was smarter than I realized.
I told him that it will be really important to make sure that we are talking, and that he should make sure he knows exactly how I'm feeling and that *I* have to make sure that I say everything that I'm feeling. I told him I worry that if we hooked up again that I would unconsciously take that as confirmation of something bigger. He said that he was really glad that I brought it up and that he had wanted to talk to me about it too. We talked a little bit about practically and realistically why it wouldn't be good for us to be together. I think...I think this could be hard at times though, I mean, I trust him a lot and we have known each other for years, but we are in a band together (this is how we met, got asked to play with these guys, we worked well together, it stuck) and we will be together for periods of time.

AND it’s not just that I worry about getting wrapped up emotionally, it’s also that I worry about NOT being emotional, and getting physical because I feel I’m supposed to. I KNOW I do this, and it’s definitely way harder to talk about. I worry if I do this once, I will get caught up in the cycle again. BUT I think the best thing to do is be aware, keep talking about it.

Should I say to myself [to him?] right now I’m deciding not to have any kind of physical relationship with you (and others) for ___ period of time? If I’m clear with him on this he will support it. Man. It’s funny how I really am nervous about making a concrete decision about that. Yikes. I do have this inner voice that’s like, what if I’m missing out on having fun or something more??

I also talked to my other friend about this too. He has made it clear that he would be interested in being romantic again, but he was very interested to hear everything that I am feeling and he was supportive and agreed to not go there. He is not so much “having sex will make it better!” like my bandmate. I know I do have to be careful with him too though, just my own…staying aware of my overall needs/convictions/goals.

With both of these guys, I know that there’s interest on some level, and that’s ok, I’m not opposed to it, I just don’t want to get caught up in a cycle again, being physical, feeling empty for some reason and in some way, and then looking for other people to make it better.

Ex liked this thing I posted on Facebook which was kind of random I thought, so I restricted his access…but then he liked something else! Heh?! Confused. Don’t get how the restricted thing works. I know I can unfriend him I’m just…I still miss him. And he’ll notice and then he’ll probably text me all hurt or whatever and I know I won’t be able to deal with that well. Anyways, I know this is dumb, I won’t even remember this in a month, it just helps to write about it I guess. Forum feels like giant patient listening ear. haha.

I’ve mostly been alone this week, thinking and writing. I had a meeting for this board I’m on, I did a tiny little bit of prep for school. I noticed that I actually felt good doing these things instead of being annoyed at them and guilty for having to do them. I played clarinet for an hour today and it’s BEAUTIFUL out which I can tell is cheering me up, the longer days and everything. Maybe it’s the sun but I do feel like some part of me is coming back that I didn’t realize had left. I kind of hope it doesn’t go away again?!

Little Missy
02-24-17, 07:36 PM
Sometimes it is better to just love whomever than to be in love with whomever.

If it feels good, do it. Or not.

midnightstar
02-25-17, 04:17 AM
(((((wonderful willow))))) you deserve to be with someone who can cope with you being away in your job, not someone who is so clingy they can't even bear to let you go to the bathroom on your own (which is my take on your ex's behaviour) :grouphug:

I mean, what was your ex going to do? Follow you around everywhere and make sure he was there wherever you were because he couldn't handle being alone at all? :grouphug:

sarahsweets
02-25-17, 07:55 AM
I realize I’ve been feeling that I need someone to fix me [I think that's from the 26 years of undiagnosed ADHD, just tearing my hair out not knowing what to do with myself, and other things from childhood] and I’m pretty uncomfortable with single me.

This a very sobering point but you can turn it into empowerment like that friend of yours said.

I have very low self confidence. It's very easy for me to feel insecure in a relationship, and I started feeling, at the end of the 5 year relationship, that I didn't understand how I could be in anyone's life in a positive way. There are definitely times that I'm desperate for people to confirm that I'm desirable.

And you know that there isnt a relationship alive that can change this for you. Have you ever considered therapy?


I am deciding to stay away from online dating right now. Should I set a time period for myself, what's an appropriate length of time…I’m not too worried about breaking this goal with myself though honestly.
Reasons [reminding myself, mostly]: I don't need a way to meet people, I meet nice people all the time through my music. The people I meet online, especially in this area, do not tend to share my interests or values, they’re just not my “peeps”. I was going on dates left and right and hooking up and stuff all summer and fall and it was making me feel stressed and empty. But then when I was home alone with no particular plans, I was so bored and sad and then I would go online to talk to people and then meet people who I didn’t really like…it was just a waste of time, it took me away from the things that made me feel like a good person.

I think its wise to avoid dating anyone right now.


Two of my best friends at the moment are also 2 people I have had physical relationships with at one point or another.
I had the conversation with one of them a couple days ago [he is also going through a break up right now, and he is someone who is a little like… “I’ll go have sex and that will make things better! You should too!”] that I was feeling insecure and I worry about getting into that with him, ESPECIALLY because he is also feeling insecure right now. I think that was smarter than I realized.
I told him that it will be really important to make sure that we are talking, and that he should make sure he knows exactly how I'm feeling and that *I* have to make sure that I say everything that I'm feeling. I told him I worry that if we hooked up again that I would unconsciously take that as confirmation of something bigger. He said that he was really glad that I brought it up and that he had wanted to talk to me about it too. We talked a little bit about practically and realistically why it wouldn't be good for us to be together. I think...I think this could be hard at times though, I mean, I trust him a lot and we have known each other for years, but we are in a band together (this is how we met, got asked to play with these guys, we worked well together, it stuck) and we will be together for periods of time.

This is just me but...do not get physical with him anymore, even after you get through this. It mucks up the waters, and the friendship puts you in that awkward zone of kinda feeling like there is something more there, because you spend so much time together-yet really you are just fulfilling a bit of lonliness and finding some temporary release but on the whole its probably not the most healthy thing.

AND it’s not just that I worry about getting wrapped up emotionally, it’s also that I worry about NOT being emotional, and getting physical because I feel I’m supposed to. I KNOW I do this, and it’s definitely way harder to talk about. I worry if I do this once, I will get caught up in the cycle again. BUT I think the best thing to do is be aware, keep talking about it.

When we have grown up and learned to define ourselves by what others think of us- we are always at a disadvantage. We will never be satisfied. Especially as women. We get the messages of our worth being tied to what we can do for others-especially men. I dont know how you were raised, but I had issues with my dad, so I learned to value myself by what he thought of me, and how he looked at pretty women, and how he thought they were so beautiful and magical, and how I should want to be them. They were physically and mentally desirable- and I should want to be both too. It wasnt enough to have a mind that was sexy-I needed to have the physical to back that up.
In turn, I learned my value was not in who I was but what I could be to other people. I had unhealthy relationships with men. I allowed boundaries to be crossed. You will have to learn that you are worth it, and learn that your worth means something.

Should I say to myself [to him?] right now I’m deciding not to have any kind of physical relationship with you (and others) for ___ period of time? If I’m clear with him on this he will support it. Man. It’s funny how I really am nervous about making a concrete decision about that. Yikes. I do have this inner voice that’s like, what if I’m missing out on having fun or something more??
I dont think you need to explain yourself to anyone. I dont think you need to make and announcement that you need to heal. And I dont think these friends should even think about making you feel like being physical with them is some sort of healing process. If you ask me, thats not very cool.


I also talked to my other friend about this too. He has made it clear that he would be interested in being romantic again, but he was very interested to hear everything that I am feeling and he was supportive and agreed to not go there. He is not so much “having sex will make it better!” like my bandmate. I know I do have to be careful with him too though, just my own…staying aware of my overall needs/convictions/goals.

Is it really ok that you have to "be careful" with them? I would think that they should have enough respect for you to not even put those cards on the table. If they do, its insensitive-no matter how good of a friend they are. You shouldnt have to state that your needs are not to sleep with them. They should know better.

With both of these guys, I know that there’s interest on some level, and that’s ok, I’m not opposed to it, I just don’t want to get caught up in a cycle again, being physical, feeling empty for some reason and in some way, and then looking for other people to make it better.

IMO you should be opposed to it right now. You need to get over one thing at a time and any kind of physical relationship needs to be put on hold-they should know this.

Stay away from trying to heal through anything physical. It will only end up in confusion.

dvdnvwls
02-25-17, 12:22 PM
Oh! heh! :o ok, that makes sense. What's the word for what I'm thinking of then? :confused: Like, going from relationship to relationship, especially ones that are sort of controlling and have the same problems?
I would name that condition "Thinking That Having A Controlling Boyfriend (Or Girlfriend) Could Ever Be A Good Thing". :) It doesn't need a fancy name; what it needs is to be recognized by the people who have it, before it's too late.

All of us learn, largely by example, how romantic relationships work. Sometimes we learn it from our parents, sometimes from our first (or second or whichever) boyfriend or girlfriend, or from anyone else we see. It's also a micro-cultural thing - for example the culture of the people in bands in your area. (or the culture in someone's town or their church or their school or whatever).

Too many people learn from relationships where person B will totally do anything for person A... and where person A does not do the same in return. That is the key thing here.

It is beautiful and good to be willing to do anything for the other person, only if they do the same for you in return.

So, somewhere along the way, you've learned a big mistake. Relationships are totally not how you thought. You need time to recover, time to let that sink in, and time to develop some completely new habits.

willow129
02-26-17, 12:51 AM
Thanks for your replies you two...

More reflecting:

I'm reading the "Love Addiction" thread and it's like ... a little unnerving what I relate to in that. Am I over-reacting? Is a certain amount of being able to relate to that stuff normal at ALL? It's not so much the "high/crash", I don't know that I experience that...I'm not sure...well maybe...I'm not sure. But certainly looking for someone to make me feel "whole", yeah. There was a guy I would go and hang out with who I didn't feel like cared about me, but I was afraid of losing what affection I could get, even from him, and I was/am very physically attracted to him. There was zero communication about what was going on between us, and I would come home feeling totally embarrassed and hating myself. Not necessarily for what I had done, just...I don't know why. I felt stupid. Also getting involved in with guys I really wasn't interested in, and I knew it, but in my head trying to force it into some shape that made sense. Also, having this feeling that it would probably be good to slow down to give myself time to think, but plowing forward anyways, drowning myself in another person.
I am to the point of feeling like I really want to have friendships that don't have some romantic or sexual underlying thing going on, either in real life or just in my head. I want to just have friendships. And I definitely do, I definitely do just have friendships...but, I want to develop them I guess.

Geez I'm just thinking...I mean, before the 5 year relationship I was in a relationship I felt I was *supposed* to be in. On top of feeling some obligation to be in this relationship, I then cheated several times. The first time was with someone who was a guest at my college, I thought the program he was working on was super amazing, I like...um, "fell in love" with someone's authority I guess, you know? (I wasn't in love but do you know what I mean?) Anyways, for some reason outside of class, we ended up hanging out, I cannot remember why, and then he was at my dormsuite, my roommates went to bed, I was drinking and then he was all over me. He said he loved me and I remember thinking...is this how this is supposed to feel? I was soo overwhelmed and confused, because I was attracted to him, but I had meant to handle everything differently and it felt like it all just got away from me. But I DID say no, actually, it was just that beyond that I was very confused and I didn't talk to anyone about it or get help. It also went on for a while, like he stayed in touch with me for a while. He had little nicknames and stuff, he would say he loved me, and that I was beautiful.
And yes I am in therapy, I have been for years...oi...anyways, I did eventually tell my therapist in college about that. I really don't talk about it or think about it, because it's really hard for me to process it. This is the most I've thought about it in months, and it's making more sense right now than it has in the past. I don't mean that it makes sense, but I'm starting to understand where my confusion came from. It's not a thing I want to dwell on BUT - and I know it's not all my fault - but I think I had this idea that maybe I *should* be swept away, and have everything be all crazy and intense, and that prevented me from getting help sooner even though it was dangerous and stressing me the eff out. In fact I KNOW I didn't understand what was healthy, I sort of knew it wasn't right, but I didn't know what WAS right. "I always thought I had to be overwhelmed to be in love." Maybe this is an extreme example, but it's true.

Hi kitty. Please don't walk on my keyboard right now. Oh my goodness kitty is licking my fingers while I type it is SO. CUTE. and TICKLY.

I'm also a little unnerved by how easy it was for me to start slipping in this direction - need a relationship, gotta find someone, or have sex or something - after 5 year relationship ended, and even that I was *encouraged* to do so at times. ULTIMATELY I need to recognize that the only one who can truly help me is me, I'm the only one who really knows the best decisions for myself, I don't just have to take everyone else's advice.

That girl at my friend's house - it's like a mantra right now, take this time to do things that make me feel centered, like I'm on my own 2 feet. Then I can make decisions from being in that place.

... am reading this article "https://www.thefix.com/sex-love-addicts-sober-dating-experiences" and I definitely have moments of seeing myself in it... and...
OK I was really really neglected by my parents as a kid, and I feel that when you're neglected like that, society and culture can have a bigger impact on you. If there are unhealthy outlooks being encouraged by our culture, someone like me is very susceptible to them because they have don't have many places to go to for advise. It really makes me mad, as a teacher, I HATE it. I have children in my school and I know their lives are difficult but if I can help surround them with as much love and healthy thinking and problem solving as possible, it can make a difference. It would be great if our society would play along. - UGH ok off the soapbox. ANyways, I just can see that some of the unhealthy expectations I've had of myself and relationships are romanticized in our society...anyways the most important thing about this is to remain aware, again.
Ugh, you know, what I'm realizing is that in some ways - not entirely, but - it's hard for me to even conceptualize what it might FEEL like or how I might ACT if I was really getting into a healthy relationship that made sense for me. AAAAAAH!
"(Before) when I went on a date, the sex part was already there; the relationship fantasy was already there; it was just about consummating it. That got me into relationships I shouldn’t have been in in the first place." Yipes.

On the other hand, I don't think I'm a lost cause. I've made some unwise decisions but like, I don't think I'm a total disaster. I care about myself and have a vision of what I want in my future, I try to look around at what I see that's going on that I really approve of and incorporate that into my vision. I try to learn from my experiences. I can pay attention to when I'm getting off track. Hey, this guy didn't like me gigging, I knew that wasn't going to work, relationship is done. Ultimately I did not give up on my needs. I can communicate effectively, I just need to make that a habit and not be afraid of it. (Writing on here helps.) I've worked really hard at my career and everything and DESPITE the ADHD and other things I actually have achieved a lot of my goals and beyond. So, I feel confident I can get myself on a good path in my relationships. ... yeah. CONFIDENCE. yes. right. ok.

Just a couple other things from the article...

"if you feel high....you know something’s up. You have to look at it and that can’t be processed in one day. Going on a date Saturday night and then making a date to go out Monday doesn’t really give me time to process that."

I can understand how functioning this way would be helpful: "“Initially, we go out only once a week. The first two dates are only an hour. The third date is a little longer. No house date until date eight. My dating has been activity-based, so we really get to know each other and how we interact. I have more trust and more self-confidence."

"One of the things she mentions is that sober dating helps her not get overwhelmed, whether it’s by too much information, chemistry, mood, or whatever. The feeling that dating can be overwhelming is a reoccurring theme. "

"... ‘Ask yourself, am I trying to get something from this situation, or am I trying to bring something to this situation? And for months, I wanted to get something from the situation. Sure, it was sex, but it was also the emotional boost from knowing that someone was into me, and someone liked me enough to go to bed with me..."

"“No engaging in secretive men. No leading men on if I’m not really interested. Don’t get caught up in a man’s fantasy of trying to be who he wants me to be. No shaming or blaming. Look for the lessons and the blessings; it’s really about progress, not perfection...Also, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m only responsible for honestly expressing my own feelings. No texting a man all day long. That’s not real intimacy. There’s a lot of insta-macy going on these days. One guy wanted to spend a lot of time with me—one day after another—and after the fifth date, I had sex with him, and he got up and left, and I was really hurt by that. Before I came up with a dating plan, I never used to think about my actions, or the consequences of my actions. Many addicts spend one night which then takes years to untangle.”" Yipes.

anonymouslyadd
02-26-17, 01:09 AM
Iíve mostly been alone this week, thinking and writing. I had a meeting for this board Iím on, I did a tiny little bit of prep for school. I noticed that I actually felt good doing these things instead of being annoyed at them and guilty for having to do them. I played clarinet for an hour today and itís BEAUTIFUL out which I can tell is cheering me up, the longer days and everything. Maybe itís the sun but I do feel like some part of me is coming back that I didnít realize had left. I kind of hope it doesnít go away again?!
Gosh, this bothers me.

If you ever feel guilty for doing something you love or need to do for self-preservation, run.

Postulate
02-26-17, 01:31 AM
I told him I worry that if we hooked up again that I would unconsciously take that as confirmation of something bigger.Define "something bigger". What do you mean by that?

willow129
02-26-17, 01:32 AM
If you ever feel guilty for doing something you love or need to do for self-preservation, run.

Agh. You're really right.

I probably shouldn't worry about it now but *is* there a guy who would like me for being involved in things and everything...is there a relationship that can accept this, maybe see it as a strength in me......but I just feel like I look at people and all I see is a mess.

OK enough self pity. It doesn't matter what THEY think. *I* think it's a strength! Dammit! OK BED TIME.

willow129
02-26-17, 01:35 AM
Define "something bigger". What do you mean by that?

Oh, I mean, that we should be in, like, a long-term committed relationship, or "we're meant for each other" or something. I would have a little fantasy going around in the back of my head - not really based on reality though - his actual feelings for me or the practicality of us being together.

aeon
02-26-17, 02:11 AM
I probably shouldn't worry about it now but *is* there a guy who would like me for being involved in things and everything...is there a relationship that can accept this, maybe see it as a strength in me...

I think what I hear you asking is "Could I be loved and accepted for who I am, as I am?"

Yes, willow, you could. Do it for yourself first, so you get used to what it feels like...so when someone else does it, it won't freak you out...plus, you'll be able to reciprocate, if the admiration is mutual.

I'm not so sure that I would have said that a year ago, but now I am saying it, and in this I am absolutely certain, with no space left for doubt.


May It Be So,
Ian

Postulate
02-26-17, 12:02 PM
Oh, I mean, that we should be in, like, a long-term committed relationship, or "we're meant for each other" or something. I would have a little fantasy going around in the back of my head - not really based on reality though - his actual feelings for me or the practicality of us being together.

Did you ever experience what it's like to be in a long term relationship with someone who is "meant for you"? How do you know it's good? Who told you that?

It's a scenario where, let's say I never tasted mango juice, I don't know anything about it, but I walk around telling everybody that mango juice is the best and I need that in my life. Then when I finally drink it it tastes really bad.

Also, a fantasy is something which is fulfilled periodically, like, every 3 days for example, and the fulfillment duration usually averages 1 hour. For example, a woman can have a fanthasy of being with a rough biker, coming out of jail etc. An hour later, she has to face the rough realities of being with a violent brute which is never going to work long term. You see? So the only way to solve this puzzle, is to have a loving husband who, for 1 or two hours, can BECOME, that rough biker, then can go back to being a lawyer.

midnightstar
02-26-17, 12:21 PM
willow, you deserve to be with someone who will make you happy :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
02-26-17, 12:51 PM
This is....stupidly long...ADDF is my journal?!

Iíve mostly been alone this week, thinking and writing. I had a meeting for this board Iím on, I did a tiny little bit of prep for school. I noticed that I actually felt good doing these things instead of being annoyed at them and guilty for having to do them. I played clarinet for an hour today and itís BEAUTIFUL out which I can tell is cheering me up, the longer days and everything. Maybe itís the sun but I do feel like some part of me is coming back that I didnít realize had left. I kind of hope it doesnít go away again?!
That part of you was never gone. You chose to reject it while your ex was around.

Choosing to reject a part of yourself to please the other person is dangerous because there are many parts of yourself that you can't give up.

If I find it funny to fart in elevators to see people's reaction, but I force myself to give up just that one thing to please my wife, it's probably not a big deal, and it might be a good idea all round.

But if I instead try to give up something that has more meaning and importance, it will become a problem in many ways.

You've learned to believe that giving up important parts of yourself is just how it's done. Well, it's not, because it can't be done successfully.

midnightstar
02-26-17, 12:55 PM
That part of you was never gone. You chose to reject it while your ex was around.

Choosing to reject a part of yourself to please the other person is dangerous because there are many parts of yourself that you can't give up.

If I find it funny to fart in elevators to see people's reaction, but I force myself to give up just that one thing to please my wife, it's probably not a big deal, and it might be a good idea all round.

But if I instead try to give up something that has more meaning and importance, it will become a problem in many ways.

You've learned to believe that giving up important parts of yourself is just how it's done. Well, it's not, because it can't be done successfully.

This :goodpost: Another example is you choosing to give up your music is the same as me giving up Ebony and Tigger - it wouldn't be a good thing for you giving up your music just like it wouldn't be a good thing for me giving up Ebony and Tigger :grouphug: (((((wonderful willow))))) :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
02-26-17, 01:18 PM
I wish I had added this to my previous post:

Maybe giving up parts of yourself isn't even the worst part. Maybe the worst part is thinking that a guy who expects you to do that for him is worth being with, especially considering that he probably would never do the same in return.

Postulate
02-26-17, 03:16 PM
Quick clarification, by gigging you mean the practice of catching fish with a sharp stick, near a lake or a river? So what you were doing was going on a lake in nature on a small boat or near a river in order to catch fish with that methodology, and that took up most of your free time, as I understand it, it takes some time and resources to organize such an escapade.

If this is the case, if you could confirm, then, you say this guy was your boyfriend but are you sure he thought of you as his girlfriend? Because I can't imagine any man missing such a golden opportunity.

midnightstar
02-26-17, 03:18 PM
Quick clarification, by gigging you mean the practice of catching fish with a sharp stick, near a lake or a river? So what you were doing was going on a lake in nature on a small boat or near a river in order to catch fish with that methodology, and that took up most of your free time, as I understand it, it takes some time and resources to organize such an escapade.

If this is the case, if you could confirm, then, you say this guy was your boyfriend but are you sure he thought of you as his girlfriend? Because I can't imagine any man missing such a golden opportunity.

Willow means going to gigs to play music :)

Fortune
02-26-17, 09:04 PM
Please remember to stay on topic.

Postulate
02-26-17, 10:05 PM
Hamburger.

It's what I thought. I mean I like her spirit, especially when I read further in this topic...these giggs...they sound like a ton of fun! :p I mean, you can do this...you can do that. You're far away from the boyfriend...and whatever that was, the boyfriend was somehow inhibiting all of that, so now that the boyfriend is out of the picture, all that "enthusiasm" is coming back with a vengeance.

With all due respect, I still can't figure this out, OP said she broke up, and I can't tell what broke. She can still go to her giggs, she's still a teacher, she's still posting stuff on addforums. So the question is, what changed? How are things any different now, from how they were before? What did she lose? It seems to me like nothing changed, except maybe some clean-up that was done in her cell-phone texts.

Greyhound1
02-26-17, 11:40 PM
It's what I thought. I mean I like her spirit, especially when I read further in this topic...these giggs...they sound like a ton of fun! :p I mean, you can do this...you can do that. You're far away from the boyfriend...and whatever that was, the boyfriend was somehow inhibiting all of that, so now that the boyfriend is out of the picture, all that "enthusiasm" is coming back with a vengeance.

With all due respect, I still can't figure this out, OP said she broke up, and I can't tell what broke. She can still go to her giggs, she's still a teacher, she's still posting stuff on addforums. So the question is, what changed? How are things any different now, from how they were before? What did she lose? It seems to me like nothing changed, except maybe some clean-up that was done in her cell-phone texts.
In the first paragraph the OP says he broke up with her because he couldn't deal with her being away on gigs.

You seem to be really trivializing a relationship that ended which you know very little about. What changed and was lost was her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend.

Postulate
02-27-17, 12:35 AM
In the first paragraph the OP says he broke up with her because he couldn't deal with her being away on gigs.

You seem to be really trivializing a relationship that ended which you know very little about. What changed and was lost was her 5 year relationship with her boyfriend.

I don't think she lost anything. Relationships are not for everybody. Like I said, from the way she writes, I like her spirit, she's a free spirit that likes to be in the heart of the action, to ride along with the beat...and...if her feathers are too bright to be put in a cage, in a household with kids, why is she hurt about losing the cage?

However, I can't talk in such high terms about her judgement though...for example when her boyfriend told her that his ex could drag him into court because she had a problem with the OP being around her kids, that's bullocks. He either played her or if he didn't it means his judgement was about as good as hers. Your ex can't do anything about it, both have rights to enter new relationships. There's many other things too but I won't comment on it.

I don't see her as being part of any long term relationship because she's far too free-spirited, in my humble opinion of course, and I would advise her to be in the company of a person, either male or female, who has a strong judgement, with which she confesses every detail of her life, who can help her make better decisions.

sarahsweets
02-27-17, 07:08 AM
The OP was broken up with, she didnt do the breaking up. And her career is still just as important as her personal relationships. She is allowed to have one. It sounds like her BF knew the game before they got together- that she was a dedicated musician. Her ultimate goal doesnt have to be kids and a family. It also doesnt have to be kids/family OR career.

midnightstar
02-27-17, 10:59 AM
The OP was broken up with, she didnt do the breaking up. And her career is still just as important as her personal relationships. She is allowed to have one. It sounds like her BF knew the game before they got together- that she was a dedicated musician. Her ultimate goal doesnt have to be kids and a family. It also doesnt have to be kids/family OR career.

Yep some people just want a relationship as well as work and may not want marriage or kids :) willow should not have to choose between her career or relationships.

Willow should not have to give up her music just because a man wants her to, as I am sure sarah here will agree. As I said already in this thread, expecting willow to give up her music is like expecting me to give Ebony and Tigger up (it ain't happening and it's not fair of anyone to expect it to happen!) :grouphug:

Johnny Slick
02-27-17, 12:15 PM
Yeah, I do agree that anyone who lays down anything like an ultimatum like "it's me or your music" should be given the door just on principle. I get that a 5 year relationship is a hard thing to end, and it's a super bummer when you're not the one choosing to do the ending (which, face it, I know it sounds selfish but that is a thing), but I agree that Willow sounds like she's gonna be better off without this guy.

To the OP: can you get yourself into therapy? I'm not saying you, like, super need it or anything, but this is the kind of time when you might want a disinterested 3rd party around to listen to you / help you not make some of those weird decisions that all of us make when we break up with someone.

Postulate
02-27-17, 01:10 PM
Also, I'm not talking in this case in particular, but in general, during break-ups, each partner tends to assign all blame to the other. It is observed in many places like group therapies or counsling. While a sudden or brutal introspection during a crisis is unhealthy and can lead to mental problems, a gradual introspection over a longer period of time can be very beneficial to either partner. Assigning all blame to the other partner would inhibit such introspection and the benefits that come with it.

While I agree that there are many situations where others can act without judgement, without care, or act to willingly undermine you for the purpose of harming you, in which case an introspection would be harmful and non-productive, a mature line of thought consists in assigning to oneself and to others, the fair share of responsibility when something goes wrong.

This is extremely difficult to do and it requires a community effort, where members of the community teach and encourage the adoption of a mature line of thought which includes healthy introspection. Maintaining an individual onto the stage of the magical thought, where love is eternal, it's out there for you to find, that if someone truly loves you, he'll love you for who you are, that Santa lives at the North Pole and so on, and so on, the individual is not going to become an adult in every sense of the word.

Johnny Slick
02-27-17, 01:34 PM
Yeah, I don't know... the real truth of the matter is that usually a break-up isn't even one person's or the other's "fault", it's just that for whatever reason the two people involved are not compatible. Even when one party cheats on another, how often does that cheating come out of an otherwise super-healthy relationship? I would say "never" but maybe there are exceptions; anyway, the point is that I don't know that it's appropriate to assign "blame" for this kind of thing anyway.

I mean, you can certainly look back on a relationship and think "I really should have treated this person better when they came to me about X" or, on the flip side "I hated it when this person behaved like Y with me when we had issue Z and the next person I date, I want the outcome to be different". Is that really assigning *blame* though? Different people respond to different things differently, and different people react to those responses differently. It's part of being human (it's also part of figuring out what you can live with and what things are deal-breakers).

I don't get the *sense* that Willow had any, like, major game-breaking issue that sent this relationship off course that she has to fix (I FWIW *was* in this boat, kind of, and the end result was... a diagnosis of ADHD, so hey!). If Willow doesn't have any major issues like that, I think she gets to grieve the relationship in whichever fashion she wants to. If that means blaming her ex for everything (which I'm not necessarily seeing, but just as the hypothetical I guess), well, he broke up with her so I think she has every right to do that. If she wants to withdraw from relationships for a while to "heal", she can do that too. I really think that the only "no"s here involve contacting the other party (and it sounds like she's taking steps to avoid that) and leaping into another committed relationship too quickly (and in fairness, relationships are soooooooooo damn convenient and being single can be SUCH a pain in the ***).

willow129
02-27-17, 07:55 PM
Ohmygod.

OK. Postulate I feel like you miss the point sometimes. This is a support forum. I went through a break up (yes, he broke up with me.) I actually did have feelings for him, and I hoped that it could work out. I guess you think I shouldn't be, because I go play music, but I posted about it because I was indeed hurt and disappointed and I wanted virtual hugs, attention, affirmation, from my ADDF buddies.
Yes, I am grateful that I am still playing music, that I am still teaching, that I can still post here, of course! All of those things are good things :) I'm glad I didn't end up losing them. But I really would like a companion.
Aaand I guess I'm also trying to reflect on what my needs are for a relationship, so I can pick myself up and keep going.
Since this is a support forum I find that people here are generally supportive, but also I think folks with ADHD have a lot of variety in relationship experiences and often can relate to each other or give advice.

CLARIFICATION: This actually wasn't the 5 year relationship, that ended a year ago, last January. I think that's partly why dating is a little weird, and breaking up makes me more sad, I'm feeling sensitive I suppose, I was so used to having someone there.

OTHER CLARIFICATION: yes I'm in therapy! I appreciate the advice, I haven't seen her yet though because of her vacation and my schedule getting weird. Probably why I dumped it all on you guys ha!

As far as the ex + kids + exwife - you're right that I don't know much about that BUT his exwife did freak out and bring him to court when he had girlfriends in the past. I don't know if she made something up to make it happen, or what, BUT she does have the power to deny him visitation rights with the kids which is what she did when he did not agree that I shouldn't be around them. So he didn't get to see the kids for a while and I knew it broke his heart, I was trying to help out and not rock the boat. I was *there* for the phone call in which they had the big argument about this, I could hear what was going on, so I know he wasn't making it up. **shrug** whatevs it really doesn't matter now. It's not really relevant except that, whatever the situation actually was, I was being flexible for someone who wasn't really being flexible for me.

It sounds like her BF knew the game before they got together- that she was a dedicated musician. Her ultimate goal doesnt have to be kids and a family. It also doesnt have to be kids/family OR career. Thanks Sarah! I feel that I tried to make it clear to him. I certainly wanted him to understand before he went into anything - I do know it's not right for everyone. :) Thanks for understanding...I like kids, obviously, and I imagine having a family. In my previous relationship, the 5 year one, I was thinking about it a LOT, and I was trying to talk to him about it. So that's another thing: by comparison, to be back at square one after 5 years with a partner and imagining having a family and a house is like...hang on what IS square one?? Lol.
I don't know if I should or would be good at having kids, I don't know :-/ :( but if I had a partner who wanted it and we both thought it would be a good thing, I would go for it!

So, ok, the problem isn't that I think there is blame to be assigned. I'm REALLY non-confrontational, actually, so...I don't think I've been thinking about it like that, for the most part. I understand that a musician who travels is not the right thing for every guy. Where I feel kind of, um, offended I guess it that I DID actually try to make that clear, I feel that we went through a period of time where it really should have been ABUNDANTLY clear as I was busier than usual in December. But then in January he was giving me the cold shoulder. Again, I don't think that it's wrong that he didn't like it, whatever, that's how he feels. But, he chose to go into the relationship, and then was being manipulative about it.
My concern is that I was dating a guy, in the first place, who behaved that way. Ack! And that, aside from the gigging, I was gradually giving up on other things in my life, and I was starting to get kind of stressed and definitely was feeling pretty guilty. I mean, I know I'm enthusiastic about what I do here, but in real life I was doubting myself, and I did stop engaging in some of the things I enjoy because I felt bad.
I'm not blaming this on him, I'm saying, whoa...I just did that! I just made those choices! That's so not right for me! Why did I choose to do that? Was I feeling a little bit desperate for a relationship? Yeah, I was. Why was I feeling desperate? Because I feel insecure. Do I need to feel insecure? No, that's obviously not very helpful. What are some things I can do to make myself face my insecurity? I think a hiatus from dating right now is a good idea, so I can just be me for a while and not get overwhelmed by what other people think. I will do things that truly make me feel confident and good about myself, and then maybe I'll be making decisions from that perspective, and not be at the risk of getting involved with guys who don't really have the same values that I do and feeling like I NEED to be with those guys.
I mean, that's easy to write out right now, but growing and moving forward is really a journey and it involves making choices and rethinking my choices, and I like to write and reflect on things, and I like reminders from ADDF buddies about healthy and unhealthy decision making, so here I am.

Huh. Well I guess there's one thing Postulate - I do think we have some WILDLY different perspectives on things! - and you do make such stories out of what you read, that I feel like I have to include all the details and spell out everything very specifically. But the result is I think that was a fairly beneficial paragraph for me to write out for myself, actually!

peripatetic
02-27-17, 11:45 PM
moderator note:

this thread has drifted off of thread starter's topic and onto speculation, so is closed until section moderators have time to thoroughly review and clean up.

-peri

stef
02-28-17, 10:03 AM
moderator note:

Thread temporarily reopened; please stay on topic !

Hermus
03-01-17, 08:26 AM
I don't think she lost anything. Relationships are not for everybody. Like I said, from the way she writes, I like her spirit, she's a free spirit that likes to be in the heart of the action, to ride along with the beat...and...if her feathers are too bright to be put in a cage, in a household with kids, why is she hurt about losing the cage?

However, I can't talk in such high terms about her judgement though...for example when her boyfriend told her that his ex could drag him into court because she had a problem with the OP being around her kids, that's bullocks. He either played her or if he didn't it means his judgement was about as good as hers. Your ex can't do anything about it, both have rights to enter new relationships. There's many other things too but I won't comment on it.

I don't see her as being part of any long term relationship because she's far too free-spirited, in my humble opinion of course, and I would advise her to be in the company of a person, either male or female, who has a strong judgement, with which she confesses every detail of her life, who can help her make better decisions.

It sounds to me like you have a quite limited view of relationships. There are many ways in which people can have a romantic relationship, not all involving a household with kids. I think being a household and being close together all the time is the type of relationship Willow's ex-boyfriend is looking for. In this stage of her life she doesn't seem able to provide that. So it's clear that there were quite big differences to overcome for things to even have a chance of working out. I think it's best for both of them that they broke up. Being supportive and understanding of each other's way of life to me seems to be an important part of a romantic relationship.

Above that the behaviour of the ex-bf seems to me like a major red flag.

midnightstar
03-01-17, 03:08 PM
Willow, am I right in remembering that this guy couldn't be around cats because of a allergy? :grouphug:

Andi
03-01-17, 03:15 PM
Once again the thread has wondered off topic. It's littered with several moderator notes to bring it back on topic. They appear to be ignored and the conversation starts back up from the off topic remarks. I don't think there's anything wrong with men or women coming to their friends with bad news and the group bash on the guy or girl and support their friend. That's what they need at that moment. Analyzing whether they should even be IN a relationship?? Theorizing on what type of relationship they should be in? Sometimes I do understand that honesty is what comes natural from some...totally get it. However, when your advice or input is unwanted and I believe it has been redirected and reported and communicated that the OP is looking for support and not criticism. Is it worth the time to continue to provide the feedback? Who is that feedback for..the person you're addressing or yourself? The desire to set expectations for others can be great when warranted. I doubt most people want to hear it directly AFTER the breakup. There's a time and a place. Let's stay on the topic of venting and support and let's leave the analysis for another thread...perhaps entitled, "What can I do to find a healthier relationship..." We are at infractions from here on out...please note it.

willow129
03-01-17, 07:14 PM
Willow, am I right in remembering that this guy couldn't be around cats because of a allergy? :grouphug:

God. Something relevant! Hallelujah! Thanks Star you're a good friend.
Yeah that's right, crazy severe allergy. It was a little scary actually, cat dander made his throat close up and he had to take a steroid inhaler for it. His mom got a cat when he was really little, before they knew about the allergy, and it almost killed him. haven't met anyone else with such a severe allergy to animal dander. Pretty crazy huh!
I mean I love animals and pets and everything so I would love the option to have one but, it's not a deal breaker for me. I got my kitty to help me not be too lonely living by myself. But it would have been sad to have to part with him so I'm glad I don't have to.

This guy, the one this thread is about, could not be around my apartment And just cat dander on my clothes made him start wheezing. It was awful. :( So that cut into our time together too, cuz we could only hang out at his place, and was making things pretty complicated for me to keep organized, so, honestly, life logistics are so much easier now and I'm sure he's feeling a lot better lately too. So, I guess, on the bright side, there is that...

Hey, forum, I need advice - maybe I should just make a new thread, but I feel like this is a thing that happens after ending relationships, and my discomfort dealing with it definitely makes me want to run into the arms of the nearest mildly suitable partner so that I don't have to deal with it at all:
Ugh so, ok, before I started dating this guy last fall, a friend/acquaintance I've known for years from dance stuff ended up moving to my area of the world and asked if I wanted to hang out [outside of dance]. I didn't know if he meant as a date or if it was like hey I don't really know many people around here but I know you let's be friends. I felt awkward clarifying so I didn't, bleh, and we ended up going bowling, and then...dinner twice. I never understood whether he was interested as more than just friends and sometimes I got the sense that he was and sometimes not. I'm really not interested in more than just friends, I felt awkward bringing it up, but I also didn't want to be potentially leading him on. Nothing happened other than just hanging out, and then I was really busy in December and everything - he was like, extremely persistent about being interested in getting together again but I was so busy and then also felt way too awkward so after putting him off for a while he stopped asking. Don't know if this also coincided with him figuring out I had a boyfriend, no idea. Anyways, now I'm single again and he texted me asking if I wanted to hang out this week. Coincidence??
I hate feeling like the vultures are descending. I hate having to deal with this type of situation with acquaintances who are male and single. I absolutely do not miss this about being single. I don't feel right not responding at all especially because we have mutual friends/interests, I do see him around, it doesn't really solve the problem and it feels rude and I do care about not being rude to him.
I welcome suggestions on what to text back to clarify what the intention is/establish that I only want to be friends.

:thankyou:

dvdnvwls
03-01-17, 08:02 PM
He's a guy. Be direct and up front with what needs to be said. I know you need to be aware of not sounding like you're presuming he's interested, but clarity has to take first place.

And...

Beware of getting into something unintentionally. It's far too easy to start out saying you're not interested and then have things "just kind of happen". If you think that's a possibility, it might be better to just explain that and find other friends.

willow129
03-03-17, 12:20 AM
Thanks dvd. I appreciate *your* straightforwardness. I agree with you and these are good reminders for me.

My friend who I mentioned in an earlier post - bandmate - just came over for a visit. He is still sorting out a lot from his own break up and we just talked about relationship stuff for a while too, plus mutual friends and stuff. Anyways, I feel that this is someone who listens to what I say and takes it seriously, and also thinks about his own needs. In the past in this type of situation I bet we would have both been more cuddly and he probably would have stayed the night. It's interesting thinking back and seeing the differences now, I feel like we've both had a lot to reflect on. It's nice to prioritize strong support from a friend who can relate, and it's nice to have someone prioritize that from me in return. I like that :)

Anyways I told him about the text from that guy and he was like ok let's send him a text back right now: "Sorry to not respond until now. Life's not great , dealing with a death in the family, things are still really busy at work and I guess I wasn't sure if you meant this as a date or not - if so I'm not interested in pursuing anything romantic. I hope that's not presumptuous. In any case I just need some time on my own. Thanks for reaching out."
He said "I didn't mean for this to be a date, but I was planning to ask you if you had any interest at some later time. Thank you for your honesty."

So there ya go! Good to know and super glad I [I]do know. Whew I did it!!!