View Full Version : Can he be making all this up, ADHD related in any way,Help?


marygates
02-23-17, 03:32 PM
My boyfriend which is in his mid 30s and I which have been together for almost 3 years, has been communicating with a girl(27) that he calls a friend that he knows from some time ago and supposedly knows her family as well, as far as I know, he's been talking on and off to her the whole time of him and I being together these 3 years, she lives in a different state than him and I do (my bf and I are currently studying abroad in latin america),so she is far away.but but she does live close to the state that my bf is originally from.

When him and I started dating I remember he talked about this girl a few times and he couldn't understand certain things surrounding her and her marital issues/Problems and he tried helping her and still does, I did not care at that time very much to be honest, but in the back of my head I was like yeah ok whatever, but several months, I do recall this creating certain doubts in me, and questioning myself of who is this guy really and what's his past!

So recently we were together and he was telling me that she had contacted him, because she is going trough some ''rough'' issues and he needed to help her because it was serious( supposedly she wanted to suicide cause she was not happy and is in a toxic relationship with her husband) so my bf told me she comes and goes looking for his advice or when she has problems,He seems very connected to her and My thoughts are: 1-This girl is either using him as an emotional dishrag and he likes it for some reason 2-the most obvious she is an ex lover and there is an ulterior motive behind all of this chit chat, or 3- there is something more to this that he is not telling me.

Little Missy
02-23-17, 03:53 PM
I say why bother getting your hackles up if she's that far away? If she appears on your doorstep, invite her in and be friendly. You're not married, she is married, what is there to be jealous of?

Fuzzy12
02-23-17, 04:53 PM
Or she is just a friend that he's trying to be supportive of..

sarahsweets
02-23-17, 08:57 PM
My boyfriend which is in his mid 30s and I which have been together for almost 3 years, has been communicating with a girl(27) that he calls a friend that he knows from some time ago and supposedly knows her family as well, as far as I know, he's been talking on and off to her the whole time of him and I being together these 3 years, she lives in a different state than him and I do (my bf and I are currently studying abroad in latin america),so she is far away.but but she does live close to the state that my bf is originally from.

When him and I started dating I remember he talked about this girl a few times and he couldn't understand certain things surrounding her and her marital issues/Problems and he tried helping her and still does, I did not care at that time very much to be honest, but in the back of my head I was like yeah ok whatever, but several months, I do recall this creating certain doubts in me, and questioning myself of who is this guy really and what's his past!

So recently we were together and he was telling me that she had contacted him, because she is going trough some ''rough'' issues and he needed to help her because it was serious( supposedly she wanted to suicide cause she was not happy and is in a toxic relationship with her husband) so my bf told me she comes and goes looking for his advice or when she has problems,He seems very connected to her and My thoughts are: 1-This girl is either using him as an emotional dishrag and he likes it for some reason 2-the most obvious she is an ex lover and there is an ulterior motive behind all of this chit chat, or 3- there is something more to this that he is not telling me.

All things aside.....if it makes you uncomfortable, say something to him.

20thcenturyfox
02-24-17, 03:59 AM
I'm going to come down between Missy & Sarah:

1. Your suspicions may be exactly right. Or not. You don't know, and he's not going to tell you more than he admits to himself.

2. Since she is far away, there is no urgency either to do anything or to get in an argument over it.

3. In my books, being uncomfortable when you lack good information is a good reason to shut up and start being curious. Note I said "curious," not "anxious." I don't think any good will come of your talking or acting out your anxiety. Try to be calm and wait for more information to fall into your lap. I bet it will.

Postulate
02-24-17, 11:49 AM
Ohh...so your boyfriend hands over his affection to a damsel in distress, isn't that lovely? It makes my eyes tear...sight. Does he have any left for you or does it all go to helping her with her numerous problems?

This is unacceptable of him, it's not a matter of you being jealous, it has nothing to do with it. You need to find out what that woman is doing that appeals to him so that you can do it yourself. Act like you are VERY supportive of his cause, just enough so he lets you read the texts that she sends him and see if he lets you participate in the whole thing, and try to find out what's her trick. Then set him straight by having a conversation.

Aren't they amazing, these men who tend to such problems? My favorite are those who provide a tremendous amount of time and care to their mother! They call her daily, they tend to her needs, make sure she is provided for. And forget they have a wife! That would be even worse but ya, it's not normal, set him straight and if he tries to make you feel guilty by invoking her problems, escalate the tone, like, increase temperature. Remind him who is his female partner and whose needs he should tend to.

kilted_scotsman
02-25-17, 03:03 PM
This is a behaviour that has all sorts of possible drivers (as 20thcenturyfox points out). What Fox says about becoming curious and waiting for pieces of the puzzle to fall into place is also wise. What is also important is to be curious about your own feelings and part in the process...... maybe there was a similar dynamic involved somewhere in your relationship??

Remember that the possibilities may be inter-related..... he may have a "rescuer" tendency, which makes him susceptible to the conscious or subconscious machinations of damsels in distress, and consequently a tendency to end up in bed with them.

If he has the rescuer tendency then there will be a pattern of becoming involved with people/women who have drama in their lives and "need" help. If this is the case he'll have a problem with drawing appropriate boundaries and prioritising his own needs and the needs of those close to him. Unfortunately our culture rewards "selfless" people which can create a toxic reward structure that prioritises external "helping" others above the needs of the self and immediate family.

I was brought up with this tendency....and had a real problem with the rescuing thing so I empathise with people who have the tendency. It takes A LOT of effort, honesty and vulnerability to break free from it.

Now I'm aware of it I'm stunned at how often I can see it playing out around me..... apparently grounded people get pulled into toxic relationships with individuals who repeatedly chew people up.

It's really sad..... the people who try to help get chewed up, and their intimate relationships suffer.... and the person who is being "helped" usually doesn't improve. Why become resilient if acting fragile gets you so much attention and support from nice people!

peripatetic
02-25-17, 03:48 PM
why is it so impossible that he sincerely has a longtime friend, she's dealing with mental illness, and he's standing by her? i don't think she's a lost cause or manipulative at all necessarily.

i agree you should say something, but, i have longstanding friends and if my husband decided that because i supported them when they're having an episode...like they've supported me...that my friends must be using me or that i'm drawn to "rescue" people...

come on! this is a mental health forum. has nobody else ever been suicidal or had a friend be suicidal? i guess i'm coming at this from a very different perspective, but, if i knew someone's family and grew up with them, etc...and my person of only three years was attacking the friend because he's mentally ill and happens to be male... friendships are important and a lot of times people get dumped because mental illness is a *****, so frankly i think you should work on your trust issues and maybe do some couples counseling. and if you don't trust him, fine. work through that or end the relationship...but recognize that someone could be legitimately having a "rough" time and a true friend would be supportive in whatever way was appropriate to the situation. i'd rather be in a relationship with someone who doesn't drop his friends when the going gets rough.

and, postulate...your suggestion that she should "find out what she's doing and do that" is unbelievably flawed. what if she suffers from major mental illness? should the thread starter become a malingerer or something? THAT is manipulative... what you're suggesting.

BellaVita
02-25-17, 04:30 PM
Honestly, I think you just need to trust him and trust what he tells you.

dvdnvwls
02-25-17, 06:07 PM
Or, If you can't trust him, then you don't belong in a relationship with him.

The things kilted_scotsman said about reasons why he might be doing this are valid and important to know, but I'm not so sure those ideas would guide you to a better outcome right now today.

I guess what I mean is there are two separate questions here - is he being honest, and is this the smartest thing for him to be doing. The question of how smart it is can wait.

Postulate
02-25-17, 07:49 PM
and, postulate...your suggestion that she should "find out what she's doing and do that" is unbelievably flawed. what if she suffers from major mental illness? should the thread starter become a malingerer or something? THAT is manipulative... what you're suggesting.

That's none of his business, he's not a psychiatrist and the damsel in distress is not his patient. He should:

1) Act very surprised that she is contacting him, especially from across the world;
2) Explain to her that he is in Latin America with his girlfriend and that her communication surprised them both;
3) Reference her some mental health resources, without any emotional involvement;
4) End communication, or allow the OP to help her and provide emotional support. He should say something like "you both are women, you understand each-other better so she'll be helping you"

He's in Latin America with his girlfriend living together, and she contacts him from the other side of the continent? I'm not sure you see the severity of it. I have some college female friends on facebook, some left for Latin America. Can you imagine if I were to contact a married woman I knew in college? Would she even reply? Or think I lost my mind?

What exactly do they have to say to each-other?

BellaVita
02-25-17, 08:08 PM
That's none of his business, he's not a psychiatrist and the damsel in distress is not his patient. He should:

1) Act very surprised that she is contacting him, especially from across the world;
2) Explain to her that he is in Latin America with his girlfriend and that her communication surprised them both;
3) Reference her some mental health resources, without any emotional involvement;
4) End communication, or allow the OP to help her and provide emotional support. He should say something like "you both are women, you understand each-other better so she'll be helping you"

He's in Latin America with his girlfriend living together, and she contacts him from the other side of the continent? I'm not sure you see the severity of it. I have some college female friends on facebook, some left for Latin America. Can you imagine if I were to contact a married woman I knew in college? Would she even reply? Or think I lost my mind?

What exactly do they have to say to each-other?

You're definitely coming at this from a different angle. Maybe that is helpful for the OP.

That said, I have to say that I strongly disagree with what you wrote.

He's not a psychiatrist and she's not his patient, she's his friend and he's her friend. Friendships matter. And with her being suicidal, him being a supportive friend for her could make a huge difference.

The effects of him cutting her off and not supporting her could be detrimental.

She reached out to him across a long distance for a reason – she probably needs his support.

What if the OP doesn't understand her better and her boyfriend is a better support for this friend? He shouldn't just toss his friend to someone else. That could really hurt.

I don't see why view the situation as having severity. The main severity I see is that this friend is suicidal and you are suggesting him to stop helping her.

What's wrong with contacting a married woman you knew in college??

I see no issue.

Also I don't think that the girlfriend should even attempt to go look at his texts, that's just plain wrong.

Postulate
02-25-17, 08:28 PM
Come on Bella, even your forum guidelines mention that regular folk isn't equipped to deal with such crisis, under the suicide section:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15842

I mean, the Admin himself is referencing mental health resources for such cases. In my opinion this is as far as harm-reduction can go. You don't wana toy around with a woman holding a knife in her hand. That's for the experts! What if he fails? Her death is on him.

And for the texts, it's wrong, unless she has his permission! It's not a sin to look at texts, if I allow you to, there's no problem :)

peripatetic
02-25-17, 08:38 PM
regular folks ARE equipped to be lifelong, supportive friends. that's what it sounds like she's looking to him for...supportive friendship in a rough patch. support doesn't mean treating her as a psychiatrist would...maybe it's encouraging her to call a hotline or talk to her psychiatrist or get a medication adjustment...support doesn't mean her death would be on him, regardless. when someone acts, that is their action and others are not "responsible" because they remained friends despite the person's suicidality and completion.

have you ever been suicidal or had someone close to you be? because i think maybe there's a lack of personal experience on your part that is directing your perspective; certainly my firsthand experience on both fronts informs mine.

my dear friend from here hung himself on may 9th, 2011. we were constantly in touch. i'm married and my husband is not even slightly insecure about where i sleep at night and with whom, but he respects my strong, supportive, mutual friendships. we're all adults here...there's no reason people of different genders or same genders can't maintain longterm friendships. he knows her family...do you get what that means? his friendship with her extends long before his relationship with the thread starter.

do you drop your friends of the opposite gender, or, depending on sexual preference, the same gender, as soon as you enter into a new relationship? i would be disturbed if my husband had either cut off all his ties to others upon meeting me or demanded/expected i would cut ties with a longterm, much longer than our relationship, friend whose family i knew, etc.

they're on different continents...that doesn't mean there can't be a friendship maintained. hell, if that were the case i'd have a lot less friends because people move around but we stay in touch.

i agree that she needs to talk to him openly and he should be open about his side of their friendship, but she also needs to respect that he's a whole person and has a life and friendships that existed before her. if she can't make peace with that or he's being cagey...yeah, that's not going to work. but to dismiss the possibility of sustaining friendships long term makes no sense to me.

BellaVita
02-25-17, 08:39 PM
Come on Bella, even your forum guidelines mention that regular folk isn't equipped to deal with such crisis, under the suicide section:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15842

I mean, the Admin himself is referencing mental health resources for such cases. In my opinion this is as far as harm-reduction can go. You don't wana toy around with a woman holding a knife in her hand. That's for the experts! What if he fails? Her death is on him.

And for the texts, it's wrong, unless she has his permission! It's not a sin to look at texts, if I allow you to, there's no problem :)

I'm not sure what the forum guidelines have to do with this.

I'm not saying he should be the only one helping her! It's up to him if he would contact authorities or someone to come help her. I'm just saying he should still be there to support her and not have to feel bad about that.

I see, I guess I misunderstood because I thought another post you were suggesting that she snooped around in his texts. Sorry about that. But I still think the way that you suggested it, that she pretends to be supporting her boyfriend and then tricks him into letting her see his texts is still plain wrong.

Why does she need to see the texts anyway?

In my opinion she has no need to see his texts. That's why there is trust. Unless he chooses to share them with her because he wants to, I see no reason for her to try to find out about them.

dvdnvwls
02-25-17, 08:54 PM
Any romantic relationship in which one person is spying on the other is probably already over. Certainly in grave danger.

peripatetic
02-25-17, 09:27 PM
to the tread starter: I failed to address your question in the title (i.e. whether this is adhd related). Apologies.

In my opinion, no, it's not.

best to you,
-peri

Postulate
02-25-17, 09:28 PM
Any romantic relationship in which one person is spying on the other is probably already over. Certainly in grave danger.

This is correct, it would mean that love never was or is no more. She shouldn't spy on him, she should love him, and loving him also means preserving him, guarding him against dangers and complications. That is a form of female affection.

You gotta praise and applaud women's susceptibility because it goes beyond anything us men can ever hope to have. If OP posted here troubled, it means she sensed a transfer of affection from her to someone else other than her. This would not have occurred if he was just helping out a friend. She is troubled, and if she felt trouble, I trust her that trouble must exist because she's a woman and she sensed it.

And when it comes to him, his affection should go to his girlfriend, not to someone else. SORRY.

willow129
02-25-17, 09:29 PM
I haven't read all of the replies so I hope I'm not repeating something.

I can see why you might be jealous in this situation but I have to admit if this was happening to me it would be an indicator of something unhealthy happening in the relationship.
When I was jealous of my ex - and we'd been dating for a long time - hanging out with or being supportive of other girls, I think it was really because I was anxious about the relationship in general and whether or not I really was valuable to him. This was partially coming from my own insecurities but also just that we had different needs, and those gaps between us weren't immediately obvious to both of us/we didn't really know how to deal with it, so it just came out in little jealousies like this. And when I look back on any kind of jealousy I have felt with partners, even mild jealousy, I can trace it back to there being some confusion or uncertainty in some aspect of the relationship. I recommend reflecting on that a little bit. Or a lot a bit actually.
It certainly doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or anything, but that there is an opportunity for communication here and re-evaluating what you need from each other. It could be a really good opportunity for you to grow together. :)
Good luck!!

willow129
02-25-17, 09:59 PM
This is correct, it would mean that love never was or is no more. She shouldn't spy on him, she should love him, and loving him also means preserving him, guarding him against dangers and complications. That is a form of female affection.

You gotta praise and applaud women's susceptibility because it goes beyond anything us men can ever hope to have. If OP posted here troubled, it means she sensed a transfer of affection from her to someone else other than her. This would not have occurred if he was just helping out a friend. She is troubled, and if she felt trouble, I trust her that trouble must exist because she's a woman and she sensed it.

And when it comes to him, his affection should go to his girlfriend, not to someone else. His policy should be Donald Trump's "Girlfriend First" policy. Buy my girlfriend, hire my girlfriend. Oh, but Irak and Pakistan will have to suffer. SORRY.

Hm. It's interesting, I mean, in some ways I do understand what you're saying, it's not that different from what I just posted. If the OP senses there is trouble, there probably is. EDIT: It's important for OP to realize though that her feelings of "trouble" are internal feelings and coming from HER personal experience. Not necessarily anything that her boyfriend is even aware of or doing wrong. The trouble is in her OWN INTERNAL feelings.
Trouble doesn't mean OP needs to go into this mode of "protecting" her boyfriend from outside influences, or trying to see what he's talking to other girls about or something because she doesn't trust him...they can also think about their own personal feelings and needs, and then have an open conversation about it. If they have to go into manipulation and "protection" because they can't have an open conversation, their relationship is going to remain unhealthy, and him not being around other women isn't going to fix the relationship being unhealthy. And that would certainly cause resentment for sure, if he's giving up friendships for an unhealthy relationship with his girlfriend.

Possible outcomes of thinking about problems like this and having open conversations:
2 people together come upon an issue, they talk about it, are able to resolve it in a way that works for both of them, and the relationship is stronger for it...OR
2 people are together, come upon an issue, they talk about it, and are NOT able to come up with a solution that works for both of them, so they break up. That's painful, maybe they miss each other, maybe they are sad that it couldn't work, but maybe they both learned something valuable about what they need in a relationship, and they both feel that they dealt with it in a way that was open and fair, and they are able to go into future relationships with a chance of more success, knowing a little bit more about themselves.

I think if you compare that to, 2 people have a problem, so one of them takes over the others' friendships, or tries to make themselves into something other than they are [resembling the friend who is maybe getting more attention], or expects to be involved and privy to communication between a partner and a friend - that just does not end well, I can tell you from personal experience on this, that relationship will either continue into bitter resentful eternity or break up in a messy and sad way.

Sorry, I hope this isn't off-topic - I just noticed Peri's post:
I also don't believe this is ADHD related...

Postulate
02-25-17, 10:36 PM
^ Trying to find out more ways to please your partner is a sign of love and affection. This includes learning from other women. You can't know it all, right? It won't hurt her if she learns something nice, I mean, if I were to count how many things I've learned from my friend Rick, my dates would go out with him not me :)

Being yourself does not entitle you to be clueless about your partner's needs and communicating well does not entitle you to miss golden opportunities to shut up, like the one OP's husband just missed.

aeon
02-25-17, 11:19 PM
Trying to find out more ways to please your partner is a sign of love and affection.

Bingo.


Cheers,
Ian

willow129
02-26-17, 01:50 AM
^ Trying to find out more ways to please your partner is a sign of love and affection. This includes learning from other women. You can't know it all, right? It won't hurt her if she learns something nice, I mean, if I were to count how many things I've learned from my friend Rick, my dates would go out with him not me :)

Being yourself does not entitle you to be clueless about your partner's needs and communicating well does not entitle you to miss golden opportunities to shut up, like the one OP's husband just missed.

The point is, you are encouraging OP to find out more ways to please her partner in a way that is unhealthy, and aren't likely to fix her or anyone else's relationship. Those things that you are recommending create resentment, I can tell you from personal experience.
She could just have a conversation with her partner, and ask what she can do to be more loving, if she wants, instead of trying to be more like his friend, connive a way to get to read his texts, etc.
This also is assuming that there is something she needs to do, where maybe there is something that *he* is missing, a loving action that *he* could make that would help her feel more secure and not that she is having attention taken from her by a friend of his.
Again, this can all be accomplished through an open conversation, which is healthy for the relationship.

I don't...understand your last paragraph....both partners are entitled to be themselves and also should be empowered to EXPRESS OPENLY what their needs are, especially if they're not being met.
Are you saying that the OP's husband should shut up to his friend? How does that solve anything? Maybe he's forced to shut up, but that won't change that he cares about his friend. It won't change any potential relationship problems because it doesn't address them.

kilted_scotsman
02-26-17, 04:34 AM
If the OP's partner is comfortable with how the OP feels about his interactions with his friend in the US then he would be sharing texts and asking for advice and support about how to help her. This is an important indicator of trust in the relationship.....

however......

from my own experience I didn't do that because I was anxious about damaging the relationship I had..... and I had an unhealthy "rescuer" complex I inherited from my family of origin. There were 2 sides to this...... firstly I tended to be in relationships with insecure partners and I was a sucker for people with issues.... the two are related!!

Now I have a sorted and supportive partner I can work through my own issues about this.... and my mental health training has made me more aware of boundaries and ethics in the helping relationship..... so I can handle things better...... but I still get the visceral "rescuer" pull sometimes and beat myself up if I am not "selfless" in my response.

Giving support to a friend with mental health issues is very important, however it is essential to keep aware of our boundaries and the importance of our primary relationships.

I found it HUGELY useful to be trained in this...... and would recommend it to anyone who feels drawn to helping people..... in Scotland we have the COSCA Counselling Skills course, a part time 4 module course which is designed to help people from all walks of life understand boundaries, ethics, listening skills, and the how the various forms of therapy work.

I cannot recommend it enough to people who have a rescuer tendency.....and want to help people in a grounded way.

sarahsweets
02-26-17, 07:41 AM
Some of it can depend on energy spent. OP, if he is spending endless amounts of time and energy on this girl and doesnt have any left for you, then you would want to address it both for him and you. It cant be healthy for him to be so wrapped up in someone else that his actual life suffers and you deserve to have some of his time too.
It is a good point to consider what he gets out of it. Needs are always being met no matter how odd or messed up, or perfect any relationship with anyone seems to be. Is it because he is a stand up guy wanting to help an old friend? Is it because he feeds off of people needing him? Or does he have more than friends feelings for her? Is he using her as an escape from or replacement for you? Is this his way of keeping something on the back burner in case he ever travels to the US? Is it just because they have a solid history and he is just a good friend? These are all possibilites. I dont think you need to give her any thoughts right now. It doesnt matter what her motives are or what she thinks because you are not in a relationship with her. Its his actions that you need to be concerned with. His interest in her could be totally benign yet she could think otherwise- but its still not your concern right now, its his actions that are what you should be looking at.