View Full Version : Well shoot...my family friend passed away.


psychopathetic
02-27-17, 01:27 AM
My mom just called me and she was in hysterics crying. She could hardly speak.
I instantly thought that she'd fallen. She shattered her left knee cap 25+ years ago and it's caused her a great deal of chronic pain every since. If she falls, or bumps it...it causes her so much pain that she usually ends up in the hospital for several days.

But no...she choked out that our family friend passed away today. My mom was just calling her to catch up...and her husband informed my mom.

She was my favorite of my mom's friends. She was in her mid 50's and she was just super cool...I liked her cause she had zero judgment about people. She was openly herself, a HUGE animal lover, and just had a care free attitude...she could care less what anyone thought of her...she was so carefree and happy...and she was so cool because she was so damn accepting of others.
I never feared her judging me. It didn't matter to her one bit that I don't have a job and that I'm living on the government. She could care less that I never made it all the way through high school or college. That sometimes I have anger issues, and that I'm a 33 year old man who really hasn't gotten anything together in life yet.
She just didn't care. Or maybe she did...but certainly not in a judgmental way. She was just very accepting and loved me for who I am.
She was super comfortable to be around for this reason. You could say what ever you wanted to say...do practically anything you wanted to do...around her. There was no reason to hold up a ton of walls around her, or to put up acts. I didn't need to be a tough 'man' who had life all squared away around her, I didn't have to pretend to be more intelligent than I really am with her...when I was sad or angry or upset...I didn't have to tuck it away around her.
She was just so open and easy going. A true hippy if I've ever met one.

She was always very thoughtful too. She's the only person that got me a gift this past christmas...and it almost made me cry cause it was so thoughtful and cute (It's a big 18" Chewbacca stuffed animal haha...and he's adorable! And I don't know how she guessed it...but I've secretly been wanting a star wars stuffed animal of some sort...I just never found one I quite liked. Well this one I LOVE! lol I'm such a child xP ).
She also got me this cool set of silverware...where the handles are shaped like Darth Vader's light saber! haha...freaking sweet :D.

...
I guess she got home, sat down in her chair...and just never got up again. She had an brain aneurysm that ruptured. She is at the hospital in ICU...but that's only because she's an organ donor. She is considered medically dead, there's just keeping her organs going at this point till they can extract them.

/sigh

I know I didn't need to start a new thread about this. Yet I didn't like the idea of it just getting lost in a pre-existing thread either. I don't have many friends in the real world...she was someone I considered a friend. There's not many people I feel so comfortable around. That allow me to be so openly me just how I am without feeling like such a failure in life.

And yet again...I find myself at odds with myself. With my reaction.
No real sadness. I mean...I guess there is some there. But not very deep. I felt no tug to cry, and feel completely calm and collected. I almost felt like I should've faked my reaction to my mom on the phone...because when she told me...I really had no reaction. It was as if she'd told me that the skies were cloudy or something today. Nothing of importance. Nothing of emotional value to me.
I'm like a robot when big events like this happen. Deaths, my dad's heart attack, terrorist attacks, school shootings...I just don't seem to react like I think I should.
I honestly believe I have a touch of autism...asperger's...and that this is just part of that. My lack of reacting to these kinds of things.

And sometimes people will tell me...that I just need to wait. Eventually it'll come to me...the sadness and the impact of things...that it'll catch up with me.
Only it never does.

...
So there's that.
I do love her. I was looking forward to a trip to go see her in march (she's in a town about 3 hours away) where we enjoyed going to nice restaurants me and my mom don't have in our small town...and playing board games. As well as just lounging about, gabbing all day lol. I could just sit around visiting with her all freaking day and never get bored.

As always...sorry for the long post guys.
Sometimes I type too much, and I'm painfully aware of that. :doh:

I wish I could cry. I wish I felt really sad right now. :( I want to grieve. Her passing, my grandpa's, my aunt's...a kid I knew when I was a kid who just passed away a couple of days ago...
It's been a good long while since I've really sat down and had a deep cry. Sometimes like tonight, I really do wish I could experience that again. It's been many years (15+?).

So yeah. I'm left feeling very at odds right now.

aeon
02-27-17, 01:36 AM
You did need to make this thread and I am glad you did.

She's gone, but given the way you just spoke of her, she's not, because she now lives in the bodies, hearts, and minds of all those she touched, and loved, and who loved her.

And organ donation..."she's gone" but she's still giving of herself.

And if you cry, you cry, and if not, you don't, and either way, it's OK, I bet that's just what she would say.


Celebrate the memory of her,
Ian

Greyhound1
02-27-17, 03:03 AM
I can't follow Ian's hallmark card post. Sorry for you and your families loss psycho.:grouphug:

Fuzzy12
02-27-17, 03:48 AM
I'm so sorry psycho. She sounds like an amazing person and you appreciated her when she was around so don't beat yourself up about your reaction now. It doesn't change the love and affection thst you have for her

Be good to yourself.

Much love to you and your family

:grouphug:

stef
02-27-17, 06:36 AM
Psycho,
your post in itself, is a lovely tribute and a way that you have greived, through sharing.

also re organ donation: I agree ; and a few days after my dad passed we got a beautiful letter from the hospital informing us that thanks to his generosity a donor, someone was now able to see again (cornea transplant).

midnightstar
02-27-17, 03:35 PM
So sorry for your loss, psycho :grouphug:

I wish I lived nearer you to help you irl any way I could :( :grouphug: