View Full Version : Different Parenting Styles between ADHD daughter and siblings


Danibee
02-27-17, 05:26 PM
Has anyone had experience with using two different parenting styles with their children due to ADHD diagnosis?

My youngest daughter (9) has ADHD and we've taken this into consideration when it comes to how we parent her. We also plan on implementing a consequence program (good and bad), as well as more changes to come, I'm sure.

My older two - son (14) and daughter (13) are starting to get envious about the accommodations being made for daughter (9). We've been open with them and let them know that we have to treat situations with her differently sometimes. They understand, but they're still kids.

I'm concerned that when I implement the consequence program that they will get jealous, and I don't think that I could plan and upkeep three programs!

Thanks!

Fuzzy12
02-27-17, 06:56 PM
Could you involve them in some way so that they don't just become observers of your programme but active participants? In that way the accommodations that your adhd daughter gets might not seem so unfair as they will be instrumental in providing these accommodations. A bit of responsibility and ownership can be more exciting and fulfilling than getting a perk and that might be true for kids too.

dvdnvwls
02-28-17, 12:50 AM
"Consequences" always make ADHD children worse.

Unless those "consequences" (which by the way are nothing but punishments with a prettier name) are done within a few seconds of the unwanted behaviour.

I'm not exaggerating.

If an ADHD child does something and you're not right there within five seconds, whatever "consequences" you choose will have no chance of making sense to her, because she has already forgotten and moved on. And when that happens, what she's getting is random punishment for nothing. (Even though of course that was never your intention.)

Caco3girl
02-28-17, 08:54 AM
"Consequences" always make ADHD children worse.

Unless those "consequences" (which by the way are nothing but punishments with a prettier name) are done within a few seconds of the unwanted behaviour.

I'm not exaggerating.

If an ADHD child does something and you're not right there within five seconds, whatever "consequences" you choose will have no chance of making sense to her, because she has already forgotten and moved on. And when that happens, what she's getting is random punishment for nothing. (Even though of course that was never your intention.)

I can't agree with that. My 14 year old ADHD kid knows there are rules and expectations, like he has to maintain an 80% in his core classes to be able to go out on the weekend. He checks every Friday afternoon and knows how to keep his grades above an 80, and if he doesn't he knows he isn't going out that weekend.

His impulse control is poor but we can talk through what went wrong in that thought process he had going on....he doesn't forget what he was thinking at 10am today when we talk about it at 6pm.

To the original posters point, he does have issues with how I discipline the 7 year old. I have to constantly remind him that when HE was 7 I didn't ask him to clean his room by himself....or ask him to do laundry. The expectations I have for the 7 year old are not the same as the 14 year old...and the expectations and discipline you have for the 9 year old can't be the same as for the 13 year old....regardless of ADHD or any other diagnoses.

sarahsweets
02-28-17, 09:07 AM
I think the end goal should be to correct really. I personally do not use specific consequences other than what would happen naturally. And by natural consequences, I do not mean what I would institute but something that could be as a result of the child's choices. My son would sometimes give me trouble when he was little with getting dressed for pre-school. It was a battle until one day I told him that if he didnt get ready ( and I laid everything out, with short one step directions) he would have to wear his PJ's to school. It happened twice more, and then wasnt an issue. It wasnt the worst thing to wear PJ's to school and he didnt mind so much but he realized it wasnt typical because other people would ask why he was in his PJ's.

Its really tough to set expectations and not have them be punishments. My 17 year old has another boyfriend and we learned from the last one that she would be late and always have and excuse. So this time we gave her a really early curfew and told her if she is going to be a few minutes late she had to call us and tell us where she was and why she was running late but that if it was more than a few minutes-like half an hour she would have to be home a half hour the next time. So I look at that as sort of a natural consequences that doesnt involve shame or humiliation.

Danibee
02-28-17, 11:04 AM
Luckily, we don't have issues with daughter (9)'s behavior. She is a kind-hearted girl who only wants to please. She has typical 9-year-old behavioral problems, but even then, not many. Her issue is mainly at school and remembering to bring things home, or loosing things at school - jackets, karate gi, etc... Those things work better with rewards than with punishments, IMP.

We tried implementing a reward system for bringing her homework every day. $0.25 a day and if it was brought home all week she got $2.00. I hyped it up big! Reminded her of all the money she'd earn. She was so excited because her big thing now is going to the store and buying something with HER money. Never got the first quarter. Even with the best intentions and huge incentive she couldn't remember.

Her biggest issues with ADHD are her lack of impulse control, sustained attention, and working memory. I don't believe these things can be achieved without a reward system. I'd love to hear what others think.

Caco3girl
02-28-17, 03:07 PM
Luckily, we don't have issues with daughter (9)'s behavior. She is a kind-hearted girl who only wants to please. She has typical 9-year-old behavioral problems, but even then, not many. Her issue is mainly at school and remembering to bring things home, or loosing things at school - jackets, karate gi, etc... Those things work better with rewards than with punishments, IMP.

We tried implementing a reward system for bringing her homework every day. $0.25 a day and if it was brought home all week she got $2.00. I hyped it up big! Reminded her of all the money she'd earn. She was so excited because her big thing now is going to the store and buying something with HER money. Never got the first quarter. Even with the best intentions and huge incentive she couldn't remember.

Her biggest issues with ADHD are her lack of impulse control, sustained attention, and working memory. I don't believe these things can be achieved without a reward system. I'd love to hear what others think.

I don't think you can expect her to do things the typical way. It isn't that my son remembers to turn in his homework now...it's that he has three checkpoints during the day to remind him, including an hour in school where can do the homework.

Sustained attention....um...I'll call it sort of kind of paying attention. He is in classes that have 2 teachers, one teaches, the other one floats around tapping kids on shoulders or desks to get them to focus back on the teacher. On Monday's the teachers hand out a sheet of what is going on THIS week. Sometimes he takes a picture on his phone of this sheet, sometimes he is surprised by the tests. I have found that when his grade is borderline of that 80% I mentioned above he does put more effort into REALLY focusing on what's going on in that class.

His working memory is shot...that is why he takes pictures with his phone.

As for rewards...I can't do that. I'm not saying anyone is wrong for doing that with their child, everyone has different children with different triggers. In my house there are expectations, and I have talked with and adapted these expectations (such as the 80%) on what the child and I can agree is fair.

I won't give a blatant reward for meeting the expectations we agreed on. In my opinion there is WAY too much of that going on in the world right now and this generation thinks they should get something (like a raise) just for showing up, rather than earning it. In my house you earn your privileges like $20 to go to the movies, or the ability to go out on the weekend. I personally don't have the time to keep track of $1 for this or $3 for that task. They do what is expected, usually with a reminder OR THREE from me, and they get to continue on their merry way with all their privileges. If they aren't meeting expectations they don't get their privileges.

However, I also do NOT make an expectation unless both he and I agree it's a reasonable one. Also, if they can explain that there was something weird that happened that wouldn't allow them to complete their expectation we talk and usually the expectations for that week can be modified if there is a good reason. An example of a good reason is "I got a zero on the text because I was out sick on Thursday and she hasn't given me the retest yet." At that point we exclude that score for that week.

Danibee
02-28-17, 05:35 PM
It isn't that my son remembers to turn in his homework now...it's that he has three checkpoints during the day to remind him, including an hour in school where can do the homework.

What kind of checkpoints does he use throughout the day to help him remember?

I won't give a blatant reward for meeting the expectations we agreed on. In my opinion there is WAY too much of that going on in the world right now and this generation thinks they should get something (like a raise) just for showing up, rather than earning it. In my house you earn your privileges like $20 to go to the movies, or the ability to go out on the weekend. I personally don't have the time to keep track of $1 for this or $3 for that task. They do what is expected, usually with a reminder OR THREE from me, and they get to continue on their merry way with all their privileges. If they aren't meeting expectations they don't get their privileges.

We have a conservative home where everyone is accountable for themselves and their expectations as well. It is expected that our children know what they have to do and do it. This relates to school, chores, and other things. When things don't get done, they loose privileges. We noticed Daughter(9) was loosing privileges consistently by not bringing homework home, forgetting her planner, leaving things at school. Even though she knew what the consequence was, and even though she cried and cried from loosing the privilege, she still couldn't remember. That's where the trouble lies.

In my opinion there is WAY too much of that going on in the world right now and this generation thinks they should get something (like a raise) just for showing up, rather than earning it.

You're my tribe ;)

Fraser_0762
02-28-17, 05:57 PM
I think the end goal should be to correct really. I personally do not use specific consequences other than what would happen naturally. And by natural consequences, I do not mean what I would institute but something that could be as a result of the child's choices. My son would sometimes give me trouble when he was little with getting dressed for pre-school. It was a battle until one day I told him that if he didnt get ready ( and I laid everything out, with short one step directions) he would have to wear his PJ's to school. It happened twice more, and then wasnt an issue. It wasnt the worst thing to wear PJ's to school and he didnt mind so much but he realized it wasnt typical because other people would ask why he was in his PJ's.

Its really tough to set expectations and not have them be punishments. My 17 year old has another boyfriend and we learned from the last one that she would be late and always have and excuse. So this time we gave her a really early curfew and told her if she is going to be a few minutes late she had to call us and tell us where she was and why she was running late but that if it was more than a few minutes-like half an hour she would have to be home a half hour the next time. So I look at that as sort of a natural consequences that doesnt involve shame or humiliation.

I believe this is the best approach. With ADHD, you don't really learn through being told what the consequences are, but rather you remember those consequences through experiencing them.

Once you've experienced the consequences, you know exactly what they are and what will occur if you make the same error of judgement again in the future.

It's also important for parents to set an example for their children. For example, there's no point getting angry at your child and shouting at them, because they got angry themselves. It only reinforces the behaviour of anger. Instead, you need to behave in a manor in which you want them to behave themselves.

Caco3girl
03-01-17, 10:05 AM
What kind of checkpoints does he use throughout the day to help him remember?



We have a conservative home where everyone is accountable for themselves and their expectations as well. It is expected that our children know what they have to do and do it. This relates to school, chores, and other things. When things don't get done, they loose privileges. We noticed Daughter(9) was loosing privileges consistently by not bringing homework home, forgetting her planner, leaving things at school. Even though she knew what the consequence was, and even though she cried and cried from loosing the privilege, she still couldn't remember. That's where the trouble lies.



You're my tribe ;)

His co-taught teachers prompt him with what work there is to do and then second period he has the entire class to do school work. If he doesn't do school work he gets graded poorly in that class so he has to find SOMETHING to do. Then in 7th period he checks in with his gym teacher and he reviews the written assignments his teachers gave him throughout the day and they plan on what he has to do at home and what he can do in study hall tomorrow.

I have found that no matter what the punishment is, even if it hurts him deeply, he won't be able to follow through on certain things. Rather than beating your head against the wall at your 9 year olds behavior regarding homework I would suggest you find an adaptation that works for her. Some suggestions would be:

1. Have it part of her IEP/504 that she has time during the day to fax or scan the homework assignments to an email account. That way even if she forgets to bring in home you can print it.

2. Have it part of her IEP/504 that she can bring an electronic device to school. This could be a tablet, phone, kindle...etc. She gets to take pictures of the homework when it is handed out. Again, she will have it even if she doesn't have it.

3. Sew a folder into her book bag (like literally through the holes in the folder), all homework goes in there the moment she gets it. If she doesn't currently carry a book bag that is too bad, she has to now.

4. The teacher usually has an electronic version of the assignment, she may be willing to email you the homework on Monday for the week.

5. Occasionally throughout the day I will receive a random texted picture from my son. That is code for "I'm going to forget about this, please remind me later." While long term ME being part of his adaptation is not going to work...for now it can work sometimes."

Danibee
03-02-17, 02:50 PM
His co-taught teachers prompt him with what work there is to do and then second period he has the entire class to do school work. If he doesn't do school work he gets graded poorly in that class so he has to find SOMETHING to do. Then in 7th period he checks in with his gym teacher and he reviews the written assignments his teachers gave him throughout the day and they plan on what he has to do at home and what he can do in study hall tomorrow.

I have found that no matter what the punishment is, even if it hurts him deeply, he won't be able to follow through on certain things. Rather than beating your head against the wall at your 9 year olds behavior regarding homework I would suggest you find an adaptation that works for her. Some suggestions would be:

1. Have it part of her IEP/504 that she has time during the day to fax or scan the homework assignments to an email account. That way even if she forgets to bring in home you can print it.

2. Have it part of her IEP/504 that she can bring an electronic device to school. This could be a tablet, phone, kindle...etc. She gets to take pictures of the homework when it is handed out. Again, she will have it even if she doesn't have it.

3. Sew a folder into her book bag (like literally through the holes in the folder), all homework goes in there the moment she gets it. If she doesn't currently carry a book bag that is too bad, she has to now.

4. The teacher usually has an electronic version of the assignment, she may be willing to email you the homework on Monday for the week.

5. Occasionally throughout the day I will receive a random texted picture from my son. That is code for "I'm going to forget about this, please remind me later." While long term ME being part of his adaptation is not going to work...for now it can work sometimes."

Fantastic tips! We are looking at getting her a "reminder watch" (she would loose a phone...). I'm collecting information and ideas on how to help her remember, staying organized, and arriving to class prepared.

ajaxblu
03-02-17, 04:19 PM
Someone was referring to allowance and giving money for this and that. I thought I'd share our system...

Our kids have chores that we expect them to do because they live in the house/are part of the family and they should be a part of keeping the house in running order. They get no money for it, just as we parents don't.

However, we do give them an allowance that has nothing to do with the chores. We (try to) calculate the amount we give on how much money they reasonably need for a light amount of extras at their age at the time. Of course we provide the basic essentials but if they want a new toy or to to go the movies or an outfit, though reasonable, they're not necessities so they must use their own allowance. If they have none left then they have to wait.

This way, they have to learn to budget their money, and we're not constantly handing out money for reasonable requests. They know they'll get X amount each week, so they need to save it for three weeks to afford items Y and Z. We don't take it away if they don't do their chores because they can't get away with not doing chores - they either do them or they don't Pass Go to do the other things they might want to do, like going outside to play or watching tv.

Once our older daughter got a job, we stopped giving her this allowance.

ajaxblu
03-02-17, 04:20 PM
Has anyone had experience with using two different parenting styles with their children due to ADHD diagnosis?

My youngest daughter (9) has ADHD and we've taken this into consideration when it comes to how we parent her. We also plan on implementing a consequence program (good and bad), as well as more changes to come, I'm sure.

My older two - son (14) and daughter (13) are starting to get envious about the accommodations being made for daughter (9). We've been open with them and let them know that we have to treat situations with her differently sometimes. They understand, but they're still kids.

I'm concerned that when I implement the consequence program that they will get jealous, and I don't think that I could plan and upkeep three programs!

Thanks!


We have this issue too, a little bit. Thanks for bringing it up.

Postulate
03-03-17, 01:00 PM
Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Careful there! When using the word jealousy. In this situation, the brighter kid telling you you're spending too much time and effort on the less bright (I don't mean she's less bright because she has ADHD) is called assertiveness or rational thinking, not jealousy. It's a plus for the older kid, bravo kid! Jealousy is a negative word describing a filthy habit.

Oh ohhh...be VERY careful. You're running a huge risk here because not giving time and affection to the bright kid because they can manage on their own, is a mistake. And a big one! They will remember you when they grow old and I would not want to witness your relationship between you and them at that point in time.

You can only favor a child based on their merit. On their achievements. On what they do, and even in this case, I don't recommend you favoring any child. And favoring means spending more time/resources with them. So thank you for posting this topic, it's smart of you to have that doubt, your doubt is confirmed, you're facing a huge danger.

Caco3girl
03-06-17, 10:08 AM
Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Careful there! When using the word jealousy. In this situation, the brighter kid telling you you're spending too much time and effort on the less bright (I don't mean she's less bright because she has ADHD) is called assertiveness or rational thinking, not jealousy. It's a plus for the older kid, bravo kid! Jealousy is a negative word describing a filthy habit.

Oh ohhh...be VERY careful. You're running a huge risk here because not giving time and affection to the bright kid because they can manage on their own, is a mistake. And a big one! They will remember you when they grow old and I would not want to witness your relationship between you and them at that point in time.

You can only favor a child based on their merit. On their achievements. On what they do, and even in this case, I don't recommend you favoring any child. And favoring means spending more time/resources with them. So thank you for posting this topic, it's smart of you to have that doubt, your doubt is confirmed, you're facing a huge danger.

Don't you have to favor one child with more time/resources if they warrant it?

I spend WAY more time and resources on my 14 year old than my 7 year old...why...because my 14 year old is in 9th grade and has ADHD. This is the year that his paper trail for school really truly starts. What he does now will truly matter for the rest of his life. He also plays high level baseball, as in he will be playing in college and he'd love to play beyond college. The life of a want to be professional athlete is beyond time consuming.

Meanwhile, my second grader is too young for any ADHD or dyslexia tests and is learning how to spell words like "doghouse". Yes, she's having difficulty but I don't think there is anything I can do to help her. Last year I tried and it resulted in her crying nightly when it was time...and I don't mean hysterical crying, I mean her staring at the paper as silent tears came down her face. What's the point right now? As for her extra curricular activities, she has tumbling on Tuesdays for an hour and she will be doing sideline cheer in the Summer...but that is still not 1/4 of the amount of time her brother takes up with his extra curricular activities.

My point is...I don't think it's possible to spend equal time and resources with two very unique kids far apart in age.

Postulate
03-06-17, 08:53 PM
Don't you have to favor one child with more time/resources if they warrant it?

I spend WAY more time and resources on my 14 year old than my 7 year old...why...because my 14 year old is in 9th grade and has ADHD. This is the year that his paper trail for school really truly starts. What he does now will truly matter for the rest of his life. He also plays high level baseball, as in he will be playing in college and he'd love to play beyond college. The life of a want to be professional athlete is beyond time consuming.

Meanwhile, my second grader is too young for any ADHD or dyslexia tests and is learning how to spell words like "doghouse". Yes, she's having difficulty but I don't think there is anything I can do to help her. Last year I tried and it resulted in her crying nightly when it was time...and I don't mean hysterical crying, I mean her staring at the paper as silent tears came down her face. What's the point right now? As for her extra curricular activities, she has tumbling on Tuesdays for an hour and she will be doing sideline cheer in the Summer...but that is still not 1/4 of the amount of time her brother takes up with his extra curricular activities.

My point is...I don't think it's possible to spend equal time and resources with two very unique kids far apart in age.

Your daughter was staring at the paper, tears in her eyes, and you never inquired about her having ADHD as well? What do you mean she's too young to have ADHD? Hmm.

And...this son of yours, is he handsome? Do girls like him? I mean, I can imagine, he's an athlete, playing baseball, girls must be all over him. He's in good hands your son. He has his coach, I assume a real man as role model, I assume his father is a real man too and a role model to him, he has girl attention, might me asking where you come in the picture?

peripatetic
03-06-17, 09:19 PM
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Caco3girl
03-07-17, 09:32 AM
Your daughter was staring at the paper, tears in her eyes, and you never inquired about her having ADHD as well? What do you mean she's too young to have ADHD? Hmm.

And...this son of yours, is he handsome? Do girls like him? I mean, I can imagine, he's an athlete, playing baseball, girls must be all over him. He's in good hands your son. He has his coach, I assume a real man as role model, I assume his father is a real man too and a role model to him, he has girl attention, might me asking where you come in the picture?

I mean my daughter is too young to test her for ADHD or dyslexia. While observation is one method of diagnosing the written tests provide more documentation that the schools actually pay attention to.

As for my son, he has had and has several coaches, and his dad isn't in the picture much. He is very cute but sports take up a lot of his time, although he dates occasionally. It's mostly just me and the two kids.

sarahsweets
03-07-17, 10:30 AM
Your daughter was staring at the paper, tears in her eyes, and you never inquired about her having ADHD as well? What do you mean she's too young to have ADHD? Hmm.
I am sure Cacogirl is on top of things and for right now its not the right time for her daughter is how she feels.

And...this son of yours, is he handsome? Do girls like him? I mean, I can imagine, he's an athlete, playing baseball, girls must be all over him. He's in good hands your son. He has his coach, I assume a real man as role model, I assume his father is a real man too and a role model to him, he has girl attention, might me asking where you come in the picture?

What do his looks have to do with anything? and what defines a 'real man' for a role model? What does it matter if he has female attention? And obviously, cacogirl is in the picture because she is his mother. I still dont understand how this plays into adhd?

Danibee
03-07-17, 06:49 PM
Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Careful there! When using the word jealousy. In this situation, the brighter kid telling you you're spending too much time and effort on the less bright (I don't mean she's less bright because she has ADHD) is called assertiveness or rational thinking, not jealousy. It's a plus for the older kid, bravo kid! Jealousy is a negative word describing a filthy habit.

Oh ohhh...be VERY careful. You're running a huge risk here because not giving time and affection to the bright kid because they can manage on their own, is a mistake. And a big one! They will remember you when they grow old and I would not want to witness your relationship between you and them at that point in time.

You can only favor a child based on their merit. On their achievements. On what they do, and even in this case, I don't recommend you favoring any child. And favoring means spending more time/resources with them. So thank you for posting this topic, it's smart of you to have that doubt, your doubt is confirmed, you're facing a huge danger.

Thank you for your unsolicited advice on the future consequences to my children should I spend more time with one then the other. Rest assured, they are all getting proper attention.

My question referred to implementing a consequence/reward system for my ADHD child and how to navigate the issue of the older children becoming resentful (not jealous) of their much younger sister's incentive program to do things they are required to do without reward.

Hopefully this re-explanation of my question clears up any misunderstandings.

Postulate
03-07-17, 09:37 PM
I am sure Cacogirl is on top of things and for right now its not the right time for her daughter is how she feels.



What do his looks have to do with anything? and what defines a 'real man' for a role model? What does it matter if he has female attention? And obviously, cacogirl is in the picture because she is his mother. I still dont understand how this plays into adhd?

A real man is defined by his ability to (I have to abstain from using this sexual term in here) his wife, to make her happy and offer her the best life possible on this Earth according to what pleases HER. A real man is the opposite of a feminized man. Feminized men have most chances to make their wife suffer and in certain cases of domestic abuse, regret being born.

And believe it or not, the submission of a teenage boy to his mother, is the most certain way for him to become a feminized man, or, at least, it is the starting point. It is important for any male teen to love his mother more than anything, to recognize her efforts, to be thankful to her, but he can't submit to her also! The mother can't know better how a teen should grow into a man, how can she? Did she do it?

Prior to the ages of 9, boys are better off in the company of their mother, because receiving her affection is essential for their developpement. But after the ages of 9, when the boy turns into a teen, the role of the mother diminishes, and the role of the father, as well as other male figures in his life increase...become more important.

Don't panic! You're not losing your son, but in a way you are. If a son is submissive to his mother, prefers the company of women, does not play team sports with other men and adopts the discourse, the rhetoric, the way of thinking and the behavior of women around him, for assurance he is not a real man, and his troubled domestic life that will follow will testify this fact:

His submission to his mother will render him incapable of pleasing his wife later on, and put him at danger of becoming physically violent towards her. Any wife beater, who either hits his wife or is verbally violent towards her, is nothing but a feminized man, and it all starts back at his relationship with his mother, the absence of a father, the dominant female teachers who told him nothing will ever come out of him, and so on.

peripatetic
03-07-17, 11:04 PM
moderator note

now that members have asked for clarification and received answers, let's get this thread back on topic and off the side discussion.

cheers,
-peri

aeon
03-07-17, 11:17 PM
"Consequences" always make ADHD children worse.

Unless those "consequences" (which by the way are nothing but punishments with a prettier name) are done within a few seconds of the unwanted behaviour.

I'm not exaggerating.

If an ADHD child does something and you're not right there within five seconds, whatever "consequences" you choose will have no chance of making sense to her, because she has already forgotten and moved on. And when that happens, what she's getting is random punishment for nothing. (Even though of course that was never your intention.)

I think that is true of canines, but not true of (most) children with ADHD.


Cheers,
Ian

Caco3girl
03-08-17, 09:10 AM
Danibee, I'm thinking we just ignore the sideways track of some posts on this thread.

There is no instruction manual to raising our kids...we go with what we think is right. We could be REALLY wrong, and our children will learn from that. I really liked my childhood, but there are certain things I won't do with my children and I'm sure when they have kids they will pick and choose certain items to omit from their parenting plan in how I raised them.

Go with what works for your family until it doesn't work, then you need to adapt, is the best advice I can give.