View Full Version : Psyching myself up to deal-how?


mrsmama
03-01-17, 09:53 PM
I love my husband so much but lately I just feel like giving up. I feel so guilty and saddened by that statement . Lately, I constantly find myself asking myself when have I done all I can do? When is this over? Should this marriage be over?

We've been together for almost 14 years.

I constantly remind him of the things he should be doing. I make him lists, tried to help him stick to the schedule he made for his self.

I've tried letting the messes go but then he knows what I'm doing and gets mad that I'm trying to "teach him a lesson.

We bought a house that he knew needed work. We probably have 10 different incomplete tasks at the moment. He starts and almost finishes them. We started half of them a least 6 months or more ago.

We have had so many issues with money. I handle all of that and seeing the racked up debt does not help my anxiety. His issues make my hardly there before things amplified alot. He has wasted so much money on junk food and random things.I have done so much fixing that there is no more fixing that I can do.

My husband has not been diagnosed but we have both thought for years that he might have a.d.d. He saw a psychologist but she hadn't yet decided if he was sleep deprived or suffering from a.d.d. He only went 3 times .

It all seems to have gotten worse since our chid was born a few years ago.

We had a huge argument or talk last night. He says he is going to really try this time (I've heard that before). He thinks we both need conseling but I think my issues would wither away if he would just help himself.

So many stupid decisions, debts,arguments, wasted time. How do you keep going?I don't want to wind up divorced.

Fuzzy12
03-02-17, 01:37 AM
Get a diagnosis. It made all the difference to both my life abd my marriage. Try a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist.

Pilgrim
03-02-17, 05:02 AM
I'm not married but teamwork is essential. Don't think he's doing it on purple but there are characteristics envolved. I've seen it work.

sarahsweets
03-02-17, 05:33 AM
I love my husband so much but lately I just feel like giving up. I feel so guilty and saddened by that statement . Lately, I constantly find myself asking myself when have I done all I can do? When is this over? Should this marriage be over?
Of course thats up to you but has it always been this hard? What have you done to learn about adhd, if he has it?

I constantly remind him of the things he should be doing. I make him lists, tried to help him stick to the schedule he made for his self.

I've tried letting the messes go but then he knows what I'm doing and gets mad that I'm trying to "teach him a lesson.

We bought a house that he knew needed work. We probably have 10 different incomplete tasks at the moment. He starts and almost finishes them. We started half of them a least 6 months or more ago.

Honestly if I had 6 month old projects laying around I would be happy, in my house there are years long projects laying around.

We have had so many issues with money. I handle all of that and seeing the racked up debt does not help my anxiety. His issues make my hardly there before things amplified alot. He has wasted so much money on junk food and random things.I have done so much fixing that there is no more fixing that I can do.

What does he do for pocket money? Does he or you work?

My husband has not been diagnosed but we have both thought for years that he might have a.d.d. He saw a psychologist but she hadn't yet decided if he was sleep deprived or suffering from a.d.d. He only went 3 times
Without a diagnosis, he cant get any treatment. Does he know how you feel about the marriage? Would he say that he notices the same problems?


We had a huge argument or talk last night. He says he is going to really try this time (I've heard that before). He thinks we both need conseling but I think my issues would wither away if he would just help himself.

Saying that he is the only one to blame for your problems and that they would go away if he had help isnt fair or realistic. There are two people in your marriage, and even if you think he is the only one with an issue you are still an active partner. There is never only one person to blame.

mrsmama
03-02-17, 11:58 AM
Reply

Of course thats up to you but has it always been this hard? What have you done to learn about adhd, if he has it?

I've read lots and lots. Made a shared board on pinterest . Bought books. Read articles. Etc.etc.
It has gotten Progressively worse since our child was born.

Honestly if I had 6 month old projects laying around I would be happy, in my house there are years long projects laying around.

That's good for you. It's not okay with me.


What does he do for pocket money? Does he or you work?

He works. I'm a sahm.

Without a diagnosis, he cant get any treatment. Does he know how you feel about the marriage? Would he say that he notices the same problems?

Yes. Yes. Notices them says he will try and then rinse and repeat.


Saying that he is the only one to blame for your problems and that they would go away if he had help isnt fair or realistic. There are two people in your marriage, and even if you think he is the only one with an issue you are still an active partner. There is never only one person to blame.

Wow. I have a anxiety disorder. I've read lots of posts that people feel the same way I do. I have more heightened anxiety because of the messes and disorder in our home.

dvdnvwls
03-02-17, 09:32 PM
The idea of whose fault something is - that is over, right now.

Same for the idea that one or the other person has responsibility for a certain share of what needs to be done - no more of that. (Exception: each adult is responsible for making sure their own individual needs will be met somehow, and that includes getting treatment for all disorders.)

Some essential tasks, for example cleaning the messes or doing the bookkeeping, may have to be handled by someone outside the household. Cleaning staff are far cheaper than lawyers. :)

If you don't clean up the mess but you expect him to clean it up, then you ARE trying to teach him a lesson. Do you want the mess cleaned up, or do you want to fix your husband? You can only pick one. If you want to fix him, please get the divorce now and save your time. If you want the mess cleaned, find someone who can do it, or do it yourself. Everyone will be happier.

Postulate
03-03-17, 01:24 PM
Quick clarification, you said "we bought a house". Do you mean "I bought a house", or "we bought a house"? Who wanted the house most?

mrsmama
03-03-17, 01:37 PM
What does that matter? He did

sarahsweets
03-03-17, 02:25 PM
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

I've read lots and lots. Made a shared board on pinterest . Bought books. Read articles. Etc.etc.
It has gotten Progressively worse since our child was born.

Ok, let me rephrase that. Of what you read, what have you implemented on your part to help promote lasting change?

That's good for you. It's not okay with me.

What part about them is not OK to you? The fact that they are unfinished, the fact that goals werent met, the fact that the job was bigger than thought?

Yes. Yes. Notices them says he will try and then rinse and repeat.

Without a proper diagnosis and treatment it will continue to be rinse and repeat.

Wow. I have a anxiety disorder. I've read lots of posts that people feel the same way I do. I have more heightened anxiety because of the messes and disorder in our home.

I am sure you have read many posts of people that feel the same way as you and to them I would also ask- what have you done for your part of the change you want to see? Its all fine and well to say you want things to change, make the demands of the adhd partner and expect them to execute those changes but no matter what the changes are good, or bad- you will still have to change yourself at the very least to match what your partner is trying to do.

Postulate
03-03-17, 02:34 PM
What does that matter? He did

Ok so buying a house was his decision, did he buy it money down (his money or your money?) or did he get on a mortgage? And if it was a mortgage, who negotiated with the financial advisor on the type, interest rate, term and amortization? You or him? During the appointment with the financial advisor, who was talking, who held the negotiation?

acdc01
03-03-17, 09:49 PM
I'd listen to those that said to get a diagnosis and to get meds. That's the 1st line of action in my opinion.

Next can you cut spending somewhere so that you can spend some money doing some of those things he doesn't do that drives you nuts.

Postulate
03-03-17, 11:22 PM
I'd listen to those that said to get a diagnosis and to get meds. That's the 1st line of action in my opinion.

Next can you cut spending somewhere so that you can spend some money doing some of those things he doesn't do that drives you nuts.

A diagnosis wow! Come on, it's not that bad :)

If for every unhappy marriage a doctor would hand out an ADHD diagnosis they would need to convert an oil refinery into an Adderall producing plant lol. No doctor will hand out a diagnosis based on domestic disputes, an evaluation needs to be made, it's complicated.

Have you considered counseling mrsmama (http://www.addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=98612)?

Lunacie
03-03-17, 11:53 PM
A diagnosis wow! Come on, it's not that bad :)

If for every unhappy marriage a doctor would hand out an ADHD diagnosis they would need to convert an oil refinery into an Adderall producing plant lol. No doctor will hand out a diagnosis based on domestic disputes, an evaluation needs to be made, it's complicated.

Have you considered counseling mrsmama (http://www.addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=98612)?

If the husband does have ADHD, it is a very real and serious health impairment.
Yes, it may be that bad.

All the unfinished projects, not able to follow a schedule, difficulty handling
money ... those are all symptoms of adult ADHD. I'm certainly not diagnosing
the man based on this thread, but I do think he needs to see another doctor.

A psychologist can't diagnose sleep issues (I may be wrong about that), but
poor sleep hygiene is another symptom of ADHD. I do think it's worth getting
a proper diagnosis. It's not that complicated to get a diagnosis for this.

dvdnvwls
03-04-17, 12:26 AM
A diagnosis wow! Come on, it's not that bad :)

If for every unhappy marriage a doctor would hand out an ADHD diagnosis they would need to convert an oil refinery into an Adderall producing plant lol. No doctor will hand out a diagnosis based on domestic disputes, an evaluation needs to be made, it's complicated.

The husband's behaviour sounds like ADHD is a distinct possibility. The wife's behaviour also sounds like the stereotypical behaviour of someone who married an ADHD man but knows nothing about the condition. It's perfectly reasonable for someone to suggest the husband see a doctor. It's quite obvious that this is not an example of "every unhappy marriage".

sarahsweets
03-04-17, 05:36 AM
A diagnosis wow! Come on, it's not that bad :)

If for every unhappy marriage a doctor would hand out an ADHD diagnosis they would need to convert an oil refinery into an Adderall producing plant lol. No doctor will hand out a diagnosis based on domestic disputes, an evaluation needs to be made, it's complicated.

Have you considered counseling mrsmama (http://www.addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=98612)?

I dont think this is about an unhappy marriage.

acdc01
03-04-17, 06:05 AM
So was thinking about your post and I wanted to add a little to what I said earlier.

Another thing that might help (besides meds which is considered the most effective treatment if they work) is to make your environment simpler and more suited to his adhd. For example, if he's really messy, don't have much stuff for him to make a mess with.

The reality for us is that we don't get "better" in the normal sense. We will always have the same symptoms, that's what makes it a disability. But you may be able to figure out ways to work around the disability. I recommend focusing on the idea of working around his weaknesses. Whatever tasks he has issues with, he should go through the tasks step by step and figure out what parts of it are the hardest for him and why so that you guys can figure out a way to take that pain away. I myself can't learn how to suffer more but I can figure out ways to make a task less suffering.

I'd personally put an internal time limit on when you think it's time to give up and stick to it. You have to look after your own health first and if your marriage isn't healthy or happy for you, then there does come a point where you have to take action.

I do have hope for you guys though since he hasn't tried meds and you still do love him. That said, I can't see him being able to make a 180 degree turn so I hope you are realistic in how much he's gonna improve. Hopefully it'll be enough for the both of you.

Postulate
03-04-17, 01:55 PM
Yes, and if her husband is lazy and doesn't do what a man oughta do, she can deny him sex until he man's up and does these things. It can be a good method, better than medication.

Lunacie
03-04-17, 02:22 PM
Yes, and if her husband is lazy and doesn't do what a man oughta do, she can deny him sex until he man's up and does these things. It can be a good method, better than medication

Denying the husband sex is not a proven treatment for ADHD. :eyebrow:

Let's not forget there is a strong possibility that the OP's hubby has this disorder.

dvdnvwls
03-04-17, 03:15 PM
Denying the husband sex is not a proven treatment for ADHD. :eyebrow:

That "unproven treatment" was tried on me. The treatment was a dismal failure; so was the relationship after that, or perhaps it already was one and this made it worse.

I can't think of one situation where denying sex could be a helpful treatment method for anything.

mrsmama
03-04-17, 04:13 PM
Yes, and if her husband is lazy and doesn't do what a man oughta do, she can deny him sex until he man's up and does these things. It can be a good method, better than medication :giggle:


Ummm whoa. :) I'm the one being denied this. He is tired,etc. Been there done that many years ago. Was dumb of me and that never works.Lack of physical intimacy is no fun.

I'd say I'm kind of in a grieving phase. I wasnt raised around people that just let things go and it's hard but I'm trying. Hence the psyching myself up. :(

Many apps have been downloaded. Lists and timers set.

We did marriage conseling right after our child came along. It helped for awhile but he was on some medicine that made him a bit of a jerk and the damage was done again that had just been repaired. He has seen a conseler but not enough and not recently.

Postulate
03-04-17, 04:36 PM
Denying the husband sex is not a proven treatment for ADHD. :eyebrow:

Let's not forget there is a strong possibility that the OP's hubby has this disorder.

Who among you here was able to quantify the strenght of that possibility? :giggle:

Also OP can you please answer my second question thanks.

Dvd don't forget that some women deny men sex not to punish them but to avoid having any themselves, if that was your case it was good you got rid of her.

dvdnvwls
03-04-17, 05:10 PM
Who among you here was able to quantify the strenght of that possibility? :giggle:

Also OP can you please answer my second question thanks.

Dvd don't forget that some women deny men sex not to punish them but to avoid having any themselves, if that was your case it was good you got rid of her.
A. The possibility is very strong, given the circumstances.

B. The OP will answer your question (or not) if and when the OP damn well feels like it (or doesn't).

C. I didn't forget. You have no clue what you're talking about in that situation.

Lunacie
03-04-17, 06:53 PM
Who among you here was able to quantify the strenght of that possibility? :giggle:

Also OP can you please answer my second question thanks.

Dvd don't forget that some women deny men sex not to punish them but to avoid having any themselves, if that was your case it was good you got rid of her.


Can you link to any research that's been done showing that withholding sex or
affection from an adhd partner was helpful in motivating that partner to change?

Postulate
03-04-17, 07:44 PM
Can you link to any research that's been done showing that withholding sex or
affection from an adhd partner was helpful in motivating that partner to change?

That was just a small suggestion Lunacie, but since you ask here it is:

[link removed; ADDF guidelines prohibit discussion of politics/war on the open forum]

A true vector for change.

Lunacie
03-04-17, 07:55 PM
That was just a small suggestion Lunacie, but since you ask here it is:

[link removed]

A true vector for change.

That's interesting, but I don't understand the connection with adhd.

Postulate
03-04-17, 08:13 PM
That's interesting, but I don't understand the connection with adhd.

Well I don't understand the connection between her husband and ADHD. I don't think there's a single man out there who can find the Ketchup in the fridge hidden behind a cabbage, the wife has to come, remove the cabbage and pull out the Ketchup saying:

"here it is. you're useless..."

It's just men, our visual space has certain deficiencies and we have deficiencies in other departments compared to women. :) It doesn't mean he has ADHD until a doctor runs tests, asks the right questions and lays a diagnosis.

Lunacie
03-04-17, 08:22 PM
Well I don't understand the connection between her husband and ADHD. I don't think there's a single man out there who can find the Ketchup in the fridge hidden behind a cabbage, the wife has to come, remove the cabbage and pull out the Ketchup saying:

"here it is. you're useless..."

It's just men, our visual space has certain deficiencies and we have deficiencies in other departments compared to women. :) It doesn't mean he has ADHD until a doctor runs tests, asks the right questions and lays a diagnosis.

The fact that many men ... and almost everyone with adhd ... do that doesn't
mean that her husband doesn't have adhd ... until a doctor asks the right
questions and does an evaluation.

No one here has leaped to the judgment that the OP's hubby does have ADHD.
And no one here has the knowledge to rule it out either.

Postulate
03-04-17, 08:24 PM
The fact that many men ... and almost everyone with adhd ... do that doesn't
mean that her husband doesn't have adhd ... until a doctor asks the right
questions and does an evaluation.

No one here has leaped to the judgment that the OP's hubby does have ADHD.
And no one here has the knowledge to rule it out either.

Exactly, so we can't tailor any lifestyle solution based on the fact that he has ADHD until we KNOW he has ADHD. :thankyou:

Lunacie
03-04-17, 08:57 PM
Exactly, so we can't tailor any lifestyle solution based on the fact that he has ADHD until we KNOW he has ADHD. :thankyou:

We can, however, offer support and strategies that have worked for those of us
who do live with adhd. And encourage them to get an evaluation, which we've done.

dvdnvwls
03-04-17, 10:47 PM
Lots of men probably do seem unable to find the ketchup in the fridge without help, but they don't consistently end up in the types of situations the OP described.

When I see a coincidence between the OP's experience with her husband and my own experience, I write it off as just chance. But when there are multiple coincidences and they're things any man would immediately change if he could, ...

Those are probably not coincidences.

LowBudget
03-22-17, 01:00 AM
I am really new here so I don't mind if you ignore me.. I read your comments but I can and do miss some vital pieces to a conversation sometimes. so forgive me if I am out of line.

but can I ask ?

Were you double income, no children until recently? As you state, it has gotten worse since our child was born.


Now that part really concerns me.. but so does your being angry at him for a bad reaction to a medication.

We did marriage conseling right after our child came along. It helped for awhile but he was on some medicine that made him a bit of a jerk and the damage was done again that had just been repaired. He has seen a conseler but not enough and not recently.

What was the medication for? I have tried and been on so many different ones I can't remember half of them and some had some really bad effects on me and my mood.

You acknowledge he reacted badly to the meds, but still say the damage was done again. you acknowledge he sees a counselor but not enough.. I didn't always decide when I see mine. Sometimes (actually often) my worst episodes/crap were no where near an appointment. I am not trying to rationalize his behavior but I would hope you would not blame him for those few things he has little control over.


I now see another new therapist and another new psychiatrist. My wife has in the past gone to a counselor and had them try to explain why I can't complete an often simple task. She wasn't happy about it back then but she did accept it overtime.

Reading some posts here, and seeing my behavior, I can honestly say my wife is a saint. I built this house 18 years ago and still have things not finished. She can't understand sometimes how I can build a garage in a few weeks, but am unable to glue down one last piece of laminate on her counter. I am not sure why I can't finish the projects, I want to and the frustration is overwhelming at times. I am once again hoping for a reprieve and maybe a better answer and hopefully a med I do not react badly to.
I am hopeful.




Now I will apologize upfront for being blunt..

I think you would not have come here if you were not trying to see things from his perspective a bit. but I am not sure his ADD is really the problem. It certainly isn't helping, I hope you don't mind me looking past that all that other talk, but I re-read your first post several times. I saw NO MONEY.

And for all my problems, most of my deepest frustration was when I could not abundantly provide for my family. It takes a huge toll on a marriage and often I didn't make it any better in those times we struggled.


I would hope you take the time like my wife did and go and talk to his counselor, and if they suggest you see one, that hopefully you do as my wife did, stomp, glare at him, call him a jerk, then go and see the counselor.

Postulate
03-22-17, 10:54 PM
At the end of the day, we don't know the facts folks. I still haven't heard who takes care of finances and income.

So I have to assume that despite his terrible ADHD symptoms he is able to lay food on the table for the household.

LowBudget
03-23-17, 01:56 AM
I realize I worded that part about the finances badly after I posted it and it doesn't appear I can edit it.