View Full Version : Why does it have to be this way


traze23
03-04-17, 01:36 AM
I wanted to give this post a different title and its about my mom. MY parents always fight with me and start conflict because I never lived up to there expectations. That's the crime I comitted. And this is very important: these are expectations they usually can NOT live up to themselves.

I've been struggling to have a stable job b/c all I kind find is temp work. So my mom wants me to go back to school and get a masters degree?!?! Except I'm $30,000 in the hole from my bachelors, have 10 second attention span, horrible comprehension skills and have always struggled in school. But she doesn't care, think or listen. So I asked why doesn't she got get a masters degree and she blamed me. I asked her why didn't she get it before I was born. No response! She changed the topic and got into a huge fight w/ her.

Then came the part that made me really furious in the argument: she started comparing me to her dead beat father. She met him only twice and was never around in her life. its been something that has affected her in her life. She also talked about how embarrasing it is when her friends ask her where I work and she tells them I have no job. I told her how about the fact I'm growing up in a horrible economy. She says I need to ignore that and how it doesn't matter and its basically all my fault.

Back to the father: I'm starting to realize she needs me to live up to her expectations simply because I'm a man and the other men in her life her dad and husband never did and never will. Staying out of trouble, not doind drugs, always behaving is not enough. I have no sympathy for her. She has hurt me too, many many times.

It doesn't have to be this way but maybe I'm starting to realize why it is. She needs to realize I am not her father.

sarahsweets
03-04-17, 04:59 AM
Wow. I can understand why this hurts you so much.

Pilgrim
03-04-17, 08:59 PM
Parents always want the best for their kids. I think the important thing here is to not get, or control, your emotions as they rise.

Always keep in mind that entering conflict isn't going to help. Do everything you can do to keep positive and keep progressing.

sarahsweets
03-07-17, 11:01 AM
Do you live with your mother? If you do, its time to do whatever you can to get out. This toxic environment isnt healthy for you.


I've been struggling to have a stable job b/c all I kind find is temp work. So my mom wants me to go back to school and get a masters degree?!?! Except I'm $30,000 in the hole from my bachelors, have 10 second attention span, horrible comprehension skills and have always struggled in school. But she doesn't care, think or listen. So I asked why doesn't she got get a masters degree and she blamed me. I asked her why didn't she get it before I was born. No response! She changed the topic and got into a huge fight w/ her.

Dont take the bait. For whatever reason she is baiting you. It doesnt matter what she thinks you need to do or what she says she couldnt do. Obviously it wasnt your fault but its much easier to blame a child then it is to take stock of your life and realize that you may have made mistakes.

Then came the part that made me really furious in the argument: she started comparing me to her dead beat father. She met him only twice and was never around in her life. its been something that has affected her in her life.
Again this is just noise coming from her, try not to react. You know yourself and you know you are not like her father, so it doesnt matter if she says you are like him because she is just trying to hurt you. You know she is not being constructive.

She also talked about how embarrasing it is when her friends ask her where I work and she tells them I have no job. I told her how about the fact I'm growing up in a horrible economy. She says I need to ignore that and how it doesn't matter and its basically all my fault.

You do have a job, Maybe not a career yet, but a job. Are you paying her for any expenses. She is the one with the ego issue that feels she needs to justify your life to her friends. What kind of friends are they anyway if it makes a difference what job you do or dont have? Let her be the one with fake friends. Dont give her nonsense and validity.

Back to the father: I'm starting to realize she needs me to live up to her expectations simply because I'm a man and the other men in her life her dad and husband never did and never will. Staying out of trouble, not doind drugs, always behaving is not enough. I have no sympathy for her. She has hurt me too, many many times.

This is good, you have perspective. You do not need let any of what she says get into your head.

It doesn't have to be this way but maybe I'm starting to realize why it is. She needs to realize I am not her father.
You cant make her realize jack. She is too comfortable with her thinking. I really think you should get the hell out of there.
Toxic people are like toxic waste-they both need to get dumped.

Pilgrim
03-08-17, 11:11 PM
I second that leave when you can.

traze23
03-09-17, 10:38 PM
Do you live with your mother? If you do, its time to do whatever you can to get out. This toxic environment isnt healthy for you.

I do live with my mother. You're right, I need to get out and I have been trying for the last few months. My goal is to be out of here by May. As if things weren't bad enogh or ready, my worst fear is things are going to get worse...I mean much much worse.

I always tell people living with them is like a couple whose marrige has been broken living together an extra 20 years instead of divorcing. Think about how stressful and toxic that is.

Pilgrim
03-09-17, 11:01 PM
Your worst fears are probably correct. It's an accident waiting to happen.

Wish I could say different.

Postulate
03-09-17, 11:39 PM
I wanted to give this post a different title and its about my mom. MY parents always fight with me and start conflict because I never lived up to there expectations. That's the crime I comitted. And this is very important: these are expectations they usually can NOT live up to themselves.

I've been struggling to have a stable job b/c all I kind find is temp work. So my mom wants me to go back to school and get a masters degree?!?! Except I'm $30,000 in the hole from my bachelors, have 10 second attention span, horrible comprehension skills and have always struggled in school. But she doesn't care, think or listen. So I asked why doesn't she got get a masters degree and she blamed me. I asked her why didn't she get it before I was born. No response! She changed the topic and got into a huge fight w/ her.

Then came the part that made me really furious in the argument: she started comparing me to her dead beat father. She met him only twice and was never around in her life. its been something that has affected her in her life. She also talked about how embarrasing it is when her friends ask her where I work and she tells them I have no job. I told her how about the fact I'm growing up in a horrible economy. She says I need to ignore that and how it doesn't matter and its basically all my fault.

Back to the father: I'm starting to realize she needs me to live up to her expectations simply because I'm a man and the other men in her life her dad and husband never did and never will. Staying out of trouble, not doind drugs, always behaving is not enough. I have no sympathy for her. She has hurt me too, many many times.

It doesn't have to be this way but maybe I'm starting to realize why it is. She needs to realize I am not her father.

Oh! It's the mother again. Well, giving birth to you is a valid reason for not getting into a masters program. She's right on this point. She chose to be with you, give you affection and provide you with proper childcare for you to develop well. So she's not blaming anything on you, she is reminding you that she chose to take good care of you, rather than do something else. It's not a blame, it's an explanation and it's a darn good one I have to admit. And if she changed topic, I think it's because you were a bit insensitive towards her.

Blaming you would have sounded like, her telling you: "if instead of having you I would have enrolled in a masters program, my life would have been so much better!" You see the difference? If she told you that, I would have a couple of things to say about her, but she didn't, you challenged her on it and your argument was very weak and insensitive.

Also, when she's mentioning her father, what you have to come to realise is that she's suffering. I don't think she means to insult you by making that comparison, I think that she wants to express a certain unease, she wants to let it out. In any case, she has no business comparing you to her father, ok? Next time she tells you this, tell her she has 50% of his genes, you only have 25%, so when it comes to her father, tell her to worry more about what SHE inherited from him and how that might impact her relationship with her son.

Does your mother have borderline personality disorder? If yes, don't tell her the above. Just avoid her. Try to be more affectionate towards your mother, you sound awfully stiff.

dvdnvwls
03-10-17, 01:24 AM
Leave. Don't wait till you've got yourself organized, because we both know that may take forever. And don't wait for May, because what's the point?

Don't set a goal. Just get out. If you expect hostile responses from either of your parents, then find a way to sneak your things out, hopefully with a trusted friend to help you.

Or if you insist on the May thing, then set that as your moving-for-sure-no-matter-what date, not as some kind of flimsy goal.

traze23
03-14-17, 11:47 AM
Oh! It's the mother again. Well, giving birth to you is a valid reason for not getting into a masters program. She's right on this point. She chose to be with you, give you affection and provide you with proper childcare for you to develop well. So she's not blaming anything on you, she is reminding you that she chose to take good care of you, rather than do something else. It's not a blame, it's an explanation and it's a darn good one I have to admit. And if she changed topic, I think it's because you were a bit insensitive towards her.

Blaming you would have sounded like, her telling you: "if instead of having you I would have enrolled in a masters program, my life would have been so much better!" You see the difference? If she told you that, I would have a couple of things to say about her, but she didn't, you challenged her on it and your argument was very weak and insensitive.

Also, when she's mentioning her father, what you have to come to realise is that she's suffering. I don't think she means to insult you by making that comparison, I think that she wants to express a certain unease, she wants to let it out. In any case, she has no business comparing you to her father, ok? Next time she tells you this, tell her she has 50% of his genes, you only have 25%, so when it comes to her father, tell her to worry more about what SHE inherited from him and how that might impact her relationship with her son.

Does your mother have borderline personality disorder? If yes, don't tell her the above. Just avoid her. Try to be more affectionate towards your mother, you sound awfully stiff.

My argument was week and insensitive? Did you read the whole post? She could of gotten a masters before I was born but she keeps hounding me to get one now when I don't want to.

What gives you the right to judge me when you don't even know who I am? She has hurt a lot more then I could've hurt her. Its hard to be affectionate towards someone in this kind of relationship.

ajaxblu
03-14-17, 02:51 PM
traze - I think it's fantastic that you were able to get a bachelors - no mean feat with ADHD.

I agree with most of the others. Get out as soon as you can - toxic. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to wake up those who can't see us. I understand if it's difficult for you to financially make that move, though.

Do you have a support group elsewhere, be it family or friends?

:grouphug: