View Full Version : not so well /sigh


psychopathetic
03-04-17, 05:21 AM
/floats back into brief existence

I just need a vent. Sorry guys.

I'm not well. I am. But I'm not.
A lot of small things.
Petty.

-I'm struggling bad with being sluggish. It's very difficult for me to get up and moving. I can sit in bed for hours with the intentions of getting up.

-I'm feeling left out. I want to hang with some people, but I don't think they want me to or they'd ask me to...and it's hurting me.

-I wish I had friends. I wish I had people I could confide in. Completely. I wish I wasn't so ******* weird. I'm so sick of not belonging.

-I'm so weird. So 'off'. I can't just relax and be comfortable around people. It's exhausting. I feel so rigid. And I don't get a lot of things. I don't get joking around...I just sit there not getting it, and I pretend laugh with everyone...even though I don't find anything funny. I'm too stiff. Too serious. And I don't get small talk. I want to. I'm really stupid. I'm highly un-intelligent. Too stupid to do small talk. It's so uncomfortable. So exhausting. It eats me up.

-I still wish I had friends. :( I don't dislike people. I love people. I'm just so freaking weird and different. I don't get how to be normal. I don't get how to hang out and be chill. How do you do it? I want that :*(.

-My sleep is a wreck again. I don't get it. I think it might be my meds? No...I've had these recuring sleep issues my whole life...long before taking any meds.
I don't know. but it's frustrating. And I feel responsible. I feel guilty. I'm so hard on myself.

-My family friend passed away. I miss her. She was a organ donor but I guess most her organs couldn't be used. She was cremated. Just seems so odd. I can still hear her loud carefree laugh. Feel her warmth...she was so accepting. So free spirited.

-I try not to think about it. But what if my dad died? His heart is really bad...can he really go on forever? What if my mom died?
I don't think I could handle it guys. I don't get it. How could I live past that?
My parents will never die. It's just not a thing. The idea of it is just ridiculous.

-Money issues. Though to be honest, I've gotten pretty use to this over the years. I think you have to when your only income is social security benefits. Money is always tight.

-My dad...I don't get what's going on with him, but I'm really frustrated with him. Over the last 4 or 5 months...me and my mom have almost stopped existing to him. It's like he doesn't see us. Doesn't hear us. We think he does...but he doesn't.
I talk to him and tell him things...and I'm not kidding...he'll forget every damn thing I said to him 10 minutes later. He's always acting surprised when I bring things up to him...as if it's the first time I'm bringing it up to him...when just a couple of days earlier we had a conversation about it.
And it hurts. It feels like I don't exist to him anymore. And I try so freaking hard to make him happy. Now he doesn't even see or hear me.

-My hypothyroidism is still kicking my a**. I think a lot of my issues I'm currently having with motivation and being sluggish is related to this. I'm trying very hard to stay committed to my stupid meds my doctor has me on...but even after another dose increase, my numbers (tested through a blood test) still haven't really improved.

-I want to confess to certain people in the 3d world of some horrible crimes I committed in my past. Horrible things. Things I hate myself for day in and day out.
I truly think they could help me learn to forgive myself. Not forgive the crimes...but to forgive 'me'.
I've lived with this heavy burden for so long. It holds me back...every time I start to experience a certain level of success or happiness...I drag myself back down into the mud with my self loathing of what I've done so many years ago.
I want to move on. I want to forgive. To love myself.
But I don't think I can do this alone. I need people to confide in. I need to confess...to confront this head on. I need to be exposed in order to achieve a sense of freedom.
But I think it could backfire. It could defiantly backfire. I could truly upset some people. They may hate me.
I certainly wouldn't blame them.
I'm scared.
But I think it's what I need to do. Put my faith into "doing the right thing" and just taking the plunge. Blind faith. Putting myself out there with the hopes that I can get some help healing. Moving past my past self.

-I sometimes feel under appreciated. I think it's not true...I'm just projecting my own insecurities onto others...but it still hurts my feelings.

-When I step back and think about it...my life is pretty meaningless right now. I hate that I'm so unproductive...and yet I don't do anything about it. I feel like such a piece of ****.

-I get sick of this struggle. This grind. I don't ever really change...I just keep dragging myself through the same **** time and time again.

-I still don't really know what ADD is. I feel so stupid about it. How can I don't understand it? Why am I so fundamentally dumb? I was trying to explain what add was to my group last week and I couldn't. I didn't know exactly wtf it was, let alone have words to put to it. I knew it had something to do with time management and procrastination and having a difficult time starting things and staying focused on them. I also knew it had something to do with executive functions...but with out google, I've no clue wtf executive functions even are.
I hate being such an incompetent idiot.

-I'm getting sick of the struggle. I'm sick of slogging my way through life having such a tough time getting even the basics done. And I'm sick of feeling like I have no excuse. That I'm just a major piece of ****.
I'm sick of having no answer for when people ask me "why?". I don't know. I do know...it's my add damn it...but I can't even explain what the freak add is to people so they can't possibly understand and so I'm left looking like I'm just making up some stupid excuse.
Bleh.

-I just read and article about how my local Chief Of Police is planning on leaving and moving to another state. And it makes me really sad. I feel very weird about it...but I love the man. I only knew him briefly...but damn he had a big impact on me. He was teaching some criminal justice courses at the college I went to...and he was amazing! One of the greatest guys I've ever met in my life. He was so real and genuine. He was super nice, yet tough.
I got to fire his handgun once :D...got to sit in his office once where he had a radio going and we were listening to other officers who were on scene of a hostage situation...they spoke in so much code, but it was cool cause he was telling me what all the codes meant. I don't think he was suppose to have me in his office listening into that...so it felt like a real privilege.
He's the kind of male role model I've always dreamt of in my life. :(
Now he's leaving and it makes me so sad.

...
It's all just so stupid, petty, shallow. I'm so dumb. And maybe it's just that I'm tired. It's not that I don't want to sleep. I DO want to sleep. It's just that I sleep for an hour or 2, then have a hard time going back to sleep. I hate getting stuck in these kinds of sleep issues. I long so deeply to sleep for 6+ hours without waking. Will I ever get that again in my life?

But it's just all these small little things. They're building up.

I'm just being dumb right now.

I'll be fine. I always am. I just go through these moods sometimes. Something I just have to grind my way through.

I need to float away for a bit longer.
I wish I wasn't self aware.

/floats away for a bit longer...

midnightstar
03-04-17, 05:29 AM
Nooooooooo don't float away again psycho :grouphug:

That sounds like a heap of crap you're dealing with, I wish I could come over there irl to help you feel better (and bring Tigger with me for you to have heaps of Tigger snuggles) :( :grouphug:

sarahsweets
03-04-17, 05:59 AM
Psycho-
I wish I could help you.
I'd be your courage and I'd be your pride.
If you are lost I'd be your compass.
If you are sad, I'd be your smile.
If you are happy. I'd be your joy.
If you are weak, I'd be your spine.
If you are worried, I'd be your peace of mind.
If you are helpless, I'd be your life preserver.
If you are aimless, I'd be your anchor.
If you feel useless, I'd be your purpose.
If you feel unworthy, I'd be your worth.
If you feel weird, I'd be your quirk.
If you feel alone, I'd be your companion.
If you feel empty, I'd be your soul.

All things things I would do for you if I could.
As I always say....
Put down that bat! You've beaten yourself up enough.

Fuzzy12
03-04-17, 01:52 PM
Psycho. So much I want to say but I have to be brief:

1. Doesn't an under active thyroid cause feelings of depression?

2. I'm terrified of my parents dying too. I know it's just going to be a few years now. I just can't fathom it. I try not to think of it as much as I can but the thought just makes me panic.

3. Has your dad seen someone? It sounds to me like there could be a physical reason for his odd behaviour. I think he needs to get checked up. I'm thinking of dementia but I know very little about it except that it should be diagnosed ASAP and thst it can be slowed with medication. It could be something completely different though but it does sound like something (sorry don't meant to alarm you).

4. The thing you feel guilty about and want to confide: have you told a therapist?

You aren't any of the bad things you've said about yourself. I've read somewhere that you should never tell kids that they are anything negative but instead refer to their actions. Eg instead of saying 'you at naughty'' it's more constructive to say 'what you did was naughty'. Sorry I'm rambling I just mean

Your actions don't define your entirety. If you do stupid things it doesn't mean you are stupid..if you do something hurtful it doesn't mean that you are bad.

:grouphug::grouphug:

Lunacie
03-04-17, 02:28 PM
It can be more overwhelming to deal with a whole bunch of small things than
one really large trauma. With one trauma you focus on that and treat that one
thing. With a bunch of small things ... where do you even start? Overwhelming.

I'm so sorry you're faced with all these things all at once. I agree with others
that you may need to be checked out for an underlying physical problem.

And I thought the same thing about your dad. Some meds can make one very
forgetful, and so can some health problems. He should get checked out too.

:grouphug:

salleh
03-06-17, 01:57 PM
well shoot, and me with my magic wand in the shop ......

srsly, it does build up at times ......

It's funny how some people think everything they do is just peachy keen, and other's think nothing they do is good enough ......and I suspect that most of us move back and forth between the 2 extremes ......but lots of times, what you're thinking doesn't really reflect what is actually going on .....

.....What I am driving at here is that perhaps, just maybe, you're not all the horrible things you are explaining about yourself ....personally, the Psycho I know is a gentle, sympathetic, loving person .....and I'd bet money that I am not the only one who thinks that .....I see you as someone who is always there with a comforting word for someone ....that's the kind of person I wish there were more of .....we need people like you out in this bad ole world .....

........Sometimes, maybe try to corral your thoughts when they start going dowtn that path and remind yourself that other people think you're a caring, loving person ....try to stop that spiral down mental process as soon as you notice it ....it's not easy....and lots of times, you don't notice that you're doing it until you're 1/2 way down the path of putting yourself down ....stop and think of 1 nice thing you've done for someone that day ....or the day before ....( include you're writings here when you encourage others) come up with 2 ....you may be caught up in thinking everything you do is awful, when I know for a fact that's just not true .....

.....the other suggestion I have is to really think of something you like to do ....and go find other people who like that too ....or think of something you think you might like and go try that .....it's a lot easier to talk to people when you have something to talk to people about .....find a class, do you want to learn how to do something ? a sport ? a craft? ...there are people who love to do that ...and most will be happy to share their expertice in the matter.....try craigslist, in the community section ...all kinds of ideas there....and you can always post there yourself, a wanna get together and .....( insert what you want to do there ) .....

...oh and I concur about your Dad .....something sounds like he needs some help ...a check up for sure ....

...and as for your past ? .....everyone has done things we're not proud of ....there aren't many saints out there kiddo .....the thing is ....if you did some things in the past, and they stay there ....just realize those are lessons you needed to learn ....it's only if you still do those damaging things that you need to address them ....

....Not sure how to wind this down ....I hope one of these little tools can help you find your way out of these doldrums.....you are worth it .....