View Full Version : My oversensivity is ruining my relationships :(


unstableAngel
03-10-17, 12:43 PM
I overreact to the most possibly innocent slights. Guessing i'm experiencing a bit of paranoia....but geez i'm so tired of getting hurt so easily. I become attatched to people so quickly. And compared to me, it seems everyone is so cold & indifferent. Wish to God I could be less apt to feel so deeply when others don't.:(:(

Pilgrim
03-10-17, 01:24 PM
I don't miss this, it's terrible
.

Your challenge d

dvdnvwls
03-10-17, 02:08 PM
Sometimes with ADHD, what we end up responding to is not what the person said, but our own perception that their words are just the latest example of a horrible pattern stretching back many years.

In other words, we with ADHD become prejudiced. We start to think "they" are all making the same kinds of comments all the time, when that wasn't what they were really doing.

unstableAngel
03-10-17, 06:53 PM
Sometimes with ADHD, what we end up responding to is not what the person said, but our own perception that their words are just the latest example of a horrible pattern stretching back many years.

In other words, we with ADHD become prejudiced. We start to think "they" are all making the same kinds of comments all the time, when that wasn't what they were really doing.
You're right..intellectually i know this..but my emotions get the best of me. I've yet to see a therapist...think I need to get on that..Thx

Letching Gray
03-10-17, 07:14 PM
Multiple diagnoses is possible. Plus, ADHD is often associated with comorbidity. Medications are available for other conditions.

dvdnvwls
03-10-17, 07:15 PM
I wasn't sure how to say the other part, so I guess I'll just say it.

Sometimes, what we hear from others IS just the same old B.S. It takes thought and sensitivity to figure out which is which.

unstableAngel
03-10-17, 07:24 PM
In regards to comorbidity, I also have BP1 & GAD (possibly PTSD) , i'm so quick to react & I know I need to think before I speak or react (as i usually make an **** of myself) you'd think i've learned by now....ugh. Mind you, tho I was dx ADD years ago, I didnt give it much thought.. (forgetful, can't focus...pfft) It was the BP I was worried about. Well, took me awhile but at least I know now. And can learn to control my behaviors the best I can.

Letching Gray
03-10-17, 09:48 PM
You are not alone, that's for sure. Developing a trusting relationship with a top notch mental health pro/M.D./psychologist/therapist is a way to help sort stuff out. And, depending on your symptoms, an rx may be helpful. Plus, by just expressing what you are dealing with right now here is very worthwhile. For me, just discovering that others feel/felt as I do has provided(s) enormous relief. Convinced I'm completely alone in my self-doubts and multiple painful personal issues, that for me is hell.

When I really pause, really pause, to think about the complexity of the human brain, I'm amazed we function at all. Of all known entities in the physical universe there isn't anything else that comes anywhere near the architecture, the structure, and the power and the capacity to perform all kinds of tasks. Just think---TO THINK---like a brain! The real question I think is, "How does it work, at all" given that billions and billions of neurons must work and work together, to talk/walk/love/anticipate/protect.......? It is truly an unbelievable mass of 3 or so pounds of tissue.

sarahsweets
03-11-17, 07:38 AM
I overreact to the most possibly innocent slights. Guessing i'm experiencing a bit of paranoia....but geez i'm so tired of getting hurt so easily. I become attatched to people so quickly. And compared to me, it seems everyone is so cold & indifferent. Wish to God I could be less apt to feel so deeply when others don't.:(:(

Its very important to take a look at this, and look at it in the context of your personal relationships. A lot of people, including myself will say that we feel things too deeply, are easily hurt or oversensitive. I had to learn that saying I felt things to deeply was a cop-out. What I mean was, if I said I felt things too deeply and was easily hurt, it sort of took the responsibility of how I reacted off my shoulders and placed it on the people I thought were hurting me. I became convinced that I was just too sensitive, and therefore all this stuff kept happening to me, vs me being an active participant in it-which meant I didnt have to be responsible for how I reacted. Its much easier to just say "Im too sensitive" and then act out, instead of working on how I choose to respond to people and situations in my life.

I had to learn that I gave off the "too sensitive" vibe which seemed to attract a-holes who would take advantage of that. I spent more time wondering what it was about me that made people do things to me, instead of what I could do to avoid those situations. Its much more comfortable to blame other people's behaviors and make no changes to our own- then it is to actively work on how we choose to react in order to not let anyone have a hand in controlling how we feel. We teach other's how to treat us, right or wrong. If we allow people to act in ways that are not good for us, and keep repeating those patterns, people will keep doing it, because by not changing ourselves we have re-inforced their negative behaviors as something we are ok with.

unstableAngel
03-11-17, 12:11 PM
Sara, thanks so much for the advice. I've never considered using my sensitivity as a cop out..but actually the people i have relationships are great friends! With the exception of my hub who i've definanately tought how to treat me as i've allowed (especially when depressed) to verbally abuse me & say nothing about it, as i just wanted him to go away. I'm still new to how my ADD effects me..so trying to stop using it as an excuse. Thanks again, i appreciate you taking the time to help :)

Little Missy
03-11-17, 01:36 PM
Sara, thanks so much for the advice. I've never considered using my sensitivity as a cop out..but actually the people i have relationships are great friends! With the exception of my hub who i've definanately tought how to treat me as i've allowed (especially when depressed) to verbally abuse me & say nothing about it, as i just wanted him to go away. I'm still new to how my ADD effects me..so trying to stop using it as an excuse. Thanks again, i appreciate you taking the time to help :)

ADHD is never an excuse, it is a reason! :)

kilted_scotsman
03-11-17, 02:45 PM
Sarahsweets is dead on.... excellent insight and advice. When we realise that we have ADHD it becomes OUR responsibility to take actions to alleviate the issue, both through learning about ourselves and also through understanding how other's (NT's) see the world differently.

It takes a while to get a handle on this and it can be lonely as we move away from situations and people who have been part of our lives but don't help us sort ourselves out.

THere is an analogy I use.... discovering and then healthily using the ADHD label is a bit like being a caterpillar going through metamorphosis. Initially we are all sensitive, vulnerable and preyed upon. Then we realise we're ADHD, the label becomes the chrysalis, a strong boundary that protects us, as we change inside. Eventually we can reappear.... changed, no longer needing the label to keep us safe.

If we stay in the chrysalis, we can't finish our growth... properly used the label isn't an excuse, it's a defence that will be discarded once we don't need it any more.

dvdnvwls
03-11-17, 03:18 PM
ADHD is never an excuse, it is a reason! :)
It IS an excuse, if ADHD is mentioned when ADHD isn't the actual reason for what happened.

Little Missy
03-11-17, 03:55 PM
It IS an excuse, if ADHD is mentioned when ADHD isn't the actual reason for what happened.

I had to read that 5 times before I got it. :) Thanks!

dvdnvwls
03-11-17, 04:29 PM
Hmmm you're right - what I wrote was unnecessarily hard to understand.

Trying again:

If a person "plays the ADHD card" but what they're talking about wasn't even caused by ADHD, then yes they are using ADHD as an excuse.

Unmanagable
03-11-17, 04:46 PM
Hmmm you're right - what I wrote was unnecessarily hard to understand.

Trying again:

If a person "plays the ADHD card" but what they're talking about wasn't even caused by ADHD, then yes they are using ADHD as an excuse.


I'm curious if you still consider it an excuse if folks who are actively seeking help don't yet realize they're playing the wrong hand that was dealt by the professional(s) being relied upon to do the diagnosing? Is there some sort of interim period of acceptable so-called excuses?

dvdnvwls
03-11-17, 06:22 PM
I'm curious if you still consider it an excuse if folks who are actively seeking help don't yet realize they're playing the wrong hand that was dealt by the professional(s) being relied upon to do the diagnosing? Is there some sort of interim period of acceptable so-called excuses?

There's no sense blaming someone for inaccurate reporting of something they don't know or don't understand.

But it's reasonable to expect them to learn it and not continue the inaccuracy indefinitely.

Unmanagable
03-11-17, 08:13 PM
There's no sense blaming someone for inaccurate reporting of something they don't know or don't understand.

But it's reasonable to expect them to learn it and not continue the inaccuracy indefinitely.

Thank you for adding that last part. The blame game fares no one well in any arena.

Nor does trying to judge another's plight as being an excuse, or reason, or whatever terminology we choose.

Highly sensitive is a very real thing to try to work with. I vividly recall being told I was way too sensitive my entire life, but especially when questioning my diagnoses and treatments, among other things, hence my jaded thoughts.

Of course I was sensitive, I was desperately seeking help from an ongoing state of deep dysfunction that I didn't understand while steadily being made worse, on top of dealing with hellish hormonal roller coasters, life demands, etc. All the while, finding little to no relief in the multiple professional places I had been directed, losing hope of ever finding it.

Most folks are simply going by what these supposedly highly qualified professionals are telling them. Likewise, many have never even had a chance to see a professional, despite their best efforts.

Some purposefully choose not to ever visit a professional and feel they already accurately know what they deal with well enough and have figured out how to manage well enough without needing that avenue of support.

Some luck out and find their perceived professional gold mine(s) of all things health related, along with all the right treatments.

All the while, life changes, shift happens, and anyone can be taken right back to the drawing board to have to try to do it all over again. lol It really is a crap shoot, speaking solely from my assigned seat in the peanut gallery.

dvdnvwls
03-11-17, 08:59 PM
Many people understand their own conditions better than professionals do.

Many others have no clue what's going on with themselves, and must learn to rely solely on outside observers because their own perceptions are inherently flawed.

Many are somewhere in between.

And it can be very hard to tell which is which - although sometimes it's obvious too. I think faulty introspection is hard to correct and hard to compensate for.

Postulate
03-12-17, 12:06 AM
You said you're oversensitive to the slightest remarks, and yet, further on you tell us that you allowed your husband to verbally abuse you. That's a big gap. How do you explain it?

dvdnvwls
03-12-17, 01:11 AM
There's no "gap" whatsoever in that. Being sensitive to something doesn't have any real bearing on fighting against it or preventing it. (Though of course the two can go together.)

kilted_scotsman
03-12-17, 06:43 AM
There is no gap.....

The explanation.... hyper-sensitivity, both physical and emotional is something that is common in ADDers. We feel stuff, but that doesn't mean we respond. Over time many of us learn to bottle up our emotions and responses because to respond as we feel, attracts more bullying and accusations of over-reacting.

The issue is not about hyper-sensitivity, but how to respond appropriately to the environment when we are in overwhelm. When overwhelmed many of us enter the fight/flight/freeze response.... our cognitive pre-frontal cortex is not involved in decisions.

For someone who doesn't have good therapeutic support working this stuff out is difficult. Once it's understood the ability to stay grounded in overwhelm can be learned and used.

sarahsweets
03-12-17, 07:31 AM
You said you're oversensitive to the slightest remarks, and yet, further on you tell us that you allowed your husband to verbally abuse you. That's a big gap. How do you explain it?

If anything, being oversensitive can make you more prone to putting up with abuse. You are too busy trying to figure out what qualifies as something to really be upset about vs. what is just something kind of usual or normal, and then when you combine that with the self doubt and shame over being sensitive- would make you likely to take abuse because of the uncertainty of the whole situation.

Postulate
03-12-17, 08:59 AM
If anything, being oversensitive can make you more prone to putting up with abuse. You are too busy trying to figure out what qualifies as something to really be upset about vs. what is just something kind of usual or normal, and then when you combine that with the self doubt and shame over being sensitive- would make you likely to take abuse because of the uncertainty of the whole situation.

It doesn't explain why potentially insulting comments don't fly from anyone else but her hubby.

excelsior
03-13-17, 07:14 PM
Sensitivity is a STRENGTH.

sarahsweets
03-14-17, 05:57 AM
It doesn't explain why potentially insulting comments don't fly from anyone else but her hubby.

If there is abuse going on, then yes, it makes sense.

ajaxblu
03-14-17, 03:01 PM
Sometimes with ADHD, what we end up responding to is not what the person said, but our own perception that their words are just the latest example of a horrible pattern stretching back many years.

In other words, we with ADHD become prejudiced. We start to think "they" are all making the same kinds of comments all the time, when that wasn't what they were really doing.


Yes! Also, for the people closest to me, I usually respond to the tone the person used, rather than what they're saying. If I perceive their verbal tone to be antagonistic I'm immediately defensive and also wondering what I did wrong.

dvdnvwls
03-14-17, 03:44 PM
Yes! Also, for the people closest to me, I usually respond to the tone the person used, rather than what they're saying. If I perceive their verbal tone to be antagonistic I'm immediately defensive and also wondering what I did wrong.
Same for me, but with anybody, not just those who are closest to me.

unstableAngel
03-14-17, 03:56 PM
In response to hubby's abuse issue....occationally i say nothing cause it merely escalates the situation and he doesnt hear me anyways. Also, as i have bi polar as well when i'm depressed i feel nothing...i know im being disrespected (to put it mildly) but too depressed to care. As far as other relationships...i have none other than online friends rn. Since kicking my addiction, had to loose those ppl and find too many ppl aren't "real"...they pretend to be something theyre not (my exp. as of late) example, so called friends ask "how are you" but don't wanna hear how you really are, they expect fine. When i have told them honestly, it's obvious they didn't really want to know. Another thing mentioned was acting sensitive, quite the opposite in my case, i speak fluent sarcasm. A protective attitude i've aquired, i'm guessing. But when I feel attacked (which isnt often the case, as i can be paranoid) then i overeact & feel like a jerk later..ugh, gotta work on my impulsiveness. Thanks all for your input!! <3

dvdnvwls
03-14-17, 04:07 PM
Real disrespect is a sign to leave the situation. Disrespect doesn't get fixed, ever.

Insensitive comments, even mean comments, are something that can be repaired and recovered from. But a true lack of respect is forever.

This can sometimes be very tricky to work out, because people can say spectacularly stupid things sometimes out of anger or defensiveness.

Johnny Slick
03-14-17, 06:59 PM
If anything, being oversensitive can make you more prone to putting up with abuse. You are too busy trying to figure out what qualifies as something to really be upset about vs. what is just something kind of usual or normal, and then when you combine that with the self doubt and shame over being sensitive- would make you likely to take abuse because of the uncertainty of the whole situation.Yeah, totally, 100% this. If you've been around someone who abuses you emotionally, one thing that absolutely comes along with that is that they reject you when you say that they're being mean to you. If that person is your parent, a lot of the time all you have left when you leave the house is how you feel and so without that grounding in what is abusive/mean and what isn't, you wind up accepting straight-up meanness while simultaneously being ****** off at people who didn't actually mean to be mean to you because something in your own history makes you think it was mean.

I mean, I'm not surprised at how this originated but it's still an excellent point that I wanted to back up.

Postulate
03-15-17, 02:38 PM
In response to hubby's abuse issue....occationally i say nothing cause it merely escalates the situation and he doesnt hear me anyways. Also, as i have bi polar as well when i'm depressed i feel nothing...i know im being disrespected (to put it mildly) but too depressed to care.

Oh -- one of those husbands, isn't he? His ears are stuffed so he's not listening very well, and when you tell him to no longer do something because it bothers you, he keeps on doing it! And he escalates! How does he make ends meet?

so called friends ask "how are you" but don't wanna hear how you really are, they expect fine. When i have told them honestly, it's obvious they didn't really want to know.

Haha! Clap clap! I urge anyone with social anxiety to read this comment. And to think you should envy these people for their social skills! Laughable :giggle:

madhadder
03-18-17, 08:42 PM
Yeah, totally, 100% this. If you've been around someone who abuses you emotionally, one thing that absolutely comes along with that is that they reject you when you say that they're being mean to you. If that person is your parent, a lot of the time all you have left when you leave the house is how you feel and so without that grounding in what is abusive/mean and what isn't, you wind up accepting straight-up meanness while simultaneously being ****** off at people who didn't actually mean to be mean to you because something in your own history makes you think it was mean.

I mean, I'm not surprised at how this originated but it's still an excellent point that I wanted to back up.


I agree with agreeing with this also. :D It's easy to stay and listen to verbal abuse of someone you love because there are so many ways you can justify it in your head.. such as 'he really loves me and doesn't mean it' 'he will change' 'he's just in a bad mood' or even worse 'what he says must be right, he is the one that lives with me.. puts up with me.. I best believe what he says' Then you take all those reasoning's that you convince yourself to believe and become overly sensitive to anything anyone else says.

I forget who mentioned it and I'm rusty on MB how-tos so I can't remember how to double quote.....but I also agree that you also spend so much time trying to figure out of you're being overly sensitive, not sensitive enough or if whomever is saying whatever they're saying has a point that you should pay attention to. That alone can make you feel a little batty and cause you to be overly sensitive and read into anything that is being said. That can hurt relationships with even the longest of friends, especially when you're reading into something that you know in your heart the person has said meaning no harm. You still react in a way that may be overly sensitive because of all those justifications mentioned above that are floating around in your head.

dvdnvwls
03-18-17, 09:13 PM
It is good to justify a loved one's behaviour. Until it's not.

It takes courage and clear thinking, to start looking differently at the actions of a person who's close to you. Being accepted as who I am doesn't mean being accepted forever without question. When you're sure that my behaviour is going to continue in a way that you can't accept, that means you must stop accepting me.

Not accepting me - I mean sending me away or leaving me - is far better than trying to pretend you'll accept me as soon as I magically transform into someone else.

It can hurt, but not as badly as living a lie hurts. (Where the lie is "He'll change this time, I just know it.")

icantbelive93
03-24-17, 09:53 AM
Being very sensitive sucks:( what has helped me is realizing that I also can be insensitive or say/do something that possibily could come across as hurtfull. However, that is not my intention and I definietly don't want to be hurtfull to others. This helped me realize we all do things that might be interpreted as mean/hurtfull when it really isn't like that. Maybe the peron is going through something, is stressed, is distracted, is hurting themselves. I know for me if i'm really stressed I'm more "b*tchy but not cause I want to hurt someone but cause I'm so stressed and selfinvolved I just impulsivily do/say something. I hope what I wrote makes sense and helps:)

unstableAngel
03-25-17, 08:01 AM
Well, i have built this shell around myself, i know sounds weird considering how deeply i feel and connect to people...think i have abandonment issues (at least i used to). So my "shell" is my sarcasm, cause you certainly wouldnt suspect i was sensitive or easily upset, quite the opposite in fact. I hate it!! Feeling EVERYTHING so deeply...yet, its one of the things i love most about myself. It seems to me that many people are out for #1 & can't or don't want to be bothered by others problems, ie. dead battery, dropping a bag of groceries, opening doors, smiling & making eye contact & generally just caring about people. It seems people are quick to judge & take others inventory.:umm1: But as im still quite new to the effects ADD has had on me & still does, i'm a work in process! :) Thanks again all for your comments:).
What i'ts like by Everlast beautiful song about being more accepting & less judgemental as everyone has a story you know nothing about..
Be aware there is a word or two some may be offended by.
https://youtu.be/vPoEA43cqKc

dvdnvwls
03-25-17, 12:41 PM
Sarcasm and joking are very common among ADHDers, probably for that reason. There must be a lot of comedians out there with ADHD.

WheresMyMind
03-25-17, 01:22 PM
I overreact to the most possibly innocent slights. Guessing i'm experiencing a bit of paranoia....but geez i'm so tired of getting hurt so easily. I become attatched to people so quickly. And compared to me, it seems everyone is so cold & indifferent. Wish to God I could be less apt to feel so deeply when others don't.:(:(

Psychologists would say that your oversensitivity suggests that you place an unusually high value on what others think of you.

They would then say that this suggests an absence of self-esteem - that is, you do not hold yourself in high enough esteem for it to overcome potential negative things that others say about you.

I've been there.

The most empowering though anybody gave me was "your opinion of me is none of my business". I don't say that to people, but if they say something that I feel might be intended to bug me or insult me, I say it to myself. Totally defuses the initial negative feeling and allows me to thoughtfully think of how to re-word what they said to show me that they were planning to compliment me all along.

unstableAngel
03-26-17, 04:41 AM
Being very sensitive sucks:( what has helped me is realizing that I also can be insensitive or say/do something that possibily could come across as hurtfull. However, that is not my intention and I definietly don't want to be hurtfull to others. This helped me realize we all do things that might be interpreted as mean/hurtfull when it really isn't like that. Maybe the peron is going through something, is stressed, is distracted, is hurting themselves. I know for me if i'm really stressed I'm more "b*tchy but not cause I want to hurt someone but cause I'm so stressed and selfinvolved I just impulsivily do/say something. I hope what I wrote makes sense and helps:)

TOTALLY!!! I've just recently gone thru something similar. My overreaction only happens to people i'm really close to and love. hmmm, makes sense tho, otherwise i wouldnt care so much. But when "it" happens, it's like KABOOM! I literally go off, am possitive that "they" meant (whatever) and nothing they say helps, in fact i just get more riled up. I'm fairly sure its been driving me bonkers lately as its happened several times in a relatively short amount of time. Also happened to notice i hadn't been takin my anti psych & mood stabilizer. Gee..wonder if that played a part:/ due to my BP i have to take those with both anti depressants & stimulants to keep mania at bay...oh, i've much to learn and runnin out of time to learn it all...:eyebrow:

Little Missy
03-26-17, 07:07 AM
TOTALLY!!! I've just recently gone thru something similar. My overreaction only happens to people i'm really close to and love. hmmm, makes sense tho, otherwise i wouldnt care so much. But when "it" happens, it's like KABOOM! I literally go off, am possitive that "they" meant (whatever) and nothing they say helps, in fact i just get more riled up. I'm fairly sure its been driving me bonkers lately as its happened several times in a relatively short amount of time. Also happened to notice i hadn't been takin my anti psych & mood stabilizer. Gee..wonder if that played a part:/ due to my BP i have to take those with both anti depressants & stimulants to keep mania at bay...oh, i've much to learn and runnin out of time to learn it all...:eyebrow:

I finally had to put this type of situation into some relative perspective. for myself.

I'm overly sensitive and others can be insensitive to me so I cut those that were out. Done.

sarahsweets
03-26-17, 11:32 AM
Sometimes I wonder if people that comment on or criticize our sensitive nature are the ones who are afraid of their own emotions and picking on has for displaying ours makes them feel less uncomfortable.