View Full Version : ADHD teen girl with boyfriend... advice please


ajaxblu
03-13-17, 03:53 PM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> Can anyone offer advice on parenting teen ADHD girls who have boyfriends?

My 15.5yo ADHD daughter, who has many acquaintances she’d call friends but none who will hang with her outside of school, has a boyfriend, 17. He started out as her only friend a year ago and became a BF a few months ago after she turned 15.

My husband and I work full time. Spring break is coming up and we’re working through it - she will be home alone for hours every day. Then summer will be here. The BF has his license, a car, lives 5 minutes away, and… well he’s a normal teenage boy, with a parent that’s far more permissive than we are.

My husband and I have both gotten off of work early a handful of times to check on her without her knowledge and she’s been following the rules each time so far. We can tell (through monitoring her communication) that she doesn't want to disobey us. She has ODD also, so is great at telling people no when she doesn’t want to do something. But with ADHD, her decision-making skills aren’t always the best in the moment, and I know she’s becoming interested in more contact.


Has anyone here dealt with this before or does anyone have any advice?

Thanks



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Fraser_0762
03-13-17, 04:07 PM
How much do you know about this boy? Perhaps invite him over for dinner and get to know him better. You may find that you're more comfortable with their contact if you know him more than you do right now. At the very least, you'll be able to make a more accurate judgement about him.

ajaxblu
03-13-17, 04:17 PM
Thanks Fraser. We do have him over as frequently as our schedule and his allow, for dinner or game night, etc. He occasionally will sit with us at her sports practices.

He's a nice kid and he's nuts about her - too much so. We read their texts periodically (no offense to anyone who doesn't agree with that kind of parental monitoring, and she was informed that we would do so but I don't want to lose that info access so I don't remind her often). He definitely has more in mind and she is very immature. We talk with her about these things somewhat regularly and we've told them both what we're okay with and what we're not. We rarely let them go to his house because his parent allows too much.

sarahsweets
03-13-17, 04:18 PM
My daughter had her first serious BF last year when she was 16 and now this year at 17 a new serious BF. Last year with the first one, we sat down and I talked with her. The things I wanted to impart were that she never has to feel ashamed or afraid to talk to us. No boy should ever make her feel like property, like she owes him something if he does nice things for her, or control or abuse her in anyway. No lying and be home on time. Never ride with him if he is ever under the influence of anything- call me and I'll pick them both up and get them both home safely. I like kids who are alive, not dead because they were more worried about getting grounded.
We talked about sex, realistically. I put her on birth control. Whether or not I like it, the decision to have sex is one that she will or has made and its my job to protect her from pregancy and educate her about using condoms to prevent STD's. She sees an OBGYN regularly and yes, its without me in the room.
You can tell your daughter not to have the BF over when you are not there, or not to go anywhere but sooner or later she will. Keepng them seperate when you cant watch over them seems like a good idea, and mostly works, except where there is a will there's a way. If your daughter is going to have sex, it can be with your education and acceptance, or without it, in a shady place, with no protection and in a shameful way. Acceptance does not mean approval.

ajaxblu
03-13-17, 04:25 PM
Thanks Sarah. We put our older non-ADHD daughter on birth control when she was 16. She'd been having horrible cramps and I knew it helped with that and would of course have the added benefit of what it was made for in the first place. I always worried that it was an invitation to have sex, but like you, I felt safety was more important.

Maybe I baby this daughter more than the other because she's so much more immature. She doesn't have horrid cramps so I don't have the same excuse. Maybe I need to stop worrying about having an excuse.

Postulate
03-13-17, 04:33 PM
We read their texts periodically (no offense to anyone who doesn't agree with that kind of parental monitoring, and she was informed that we would do so but I don't want to lose that info access so I don't remind her often). He definitely has more in mind and she is very immature. We talk with her about these things somewhat regularly and we've told them both what we're okay with and what we're not. We rarely let them go to his house because his parent allows too much.


It's perfectly fine to monitor and ensure that everything is ok. She's a minor and she's your responsibility. So monitoring...sure, setting rules for both, sure, however, be aware that setting too many rules for too many years often results in her being dumped for another. So it's affecting the extent of things she can bring into the relationship and the guy can at some point very well say bye. The father should be handling this especially when talking to the boy.

I couldn't help but to notice something:

"We talk with her about these things somewhat regularly "

Really? You do? What is said to her in those texts by that boy, in terms of intimacy, belongs to her. It's none of your buisness to tell her what you think about it, so save it. Ok? Even if she asks you about it, you say "that belongs to you sweetie!" This is a no comments policy. Understand? Commenting about what you think of their sexual approach causes permanent damage, worse than drug abuse. So that's my two cents, just abstain from doing that.

Don't miss golden opportunities to shut up :)

ajaxblu
03-13-17, 05:23 PM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> Postulate, thanks for your reply.

I need to mull over your first paragraph, but I should probably clarify what I meant about what you stated in your second...

By “we talk to her about these things regularly” I mean the stuff that most parents tell their girls - we talk to her about sex, about not letting boys pressure her into things she’s not ready to do, and that just because she might love a boy and he might love her, does not automatically mean they need to have sex. We ask her to respect herself, think of her future and the consequences (not just pregnancy). We encourage her to wait till she’s an adult, but that whenever she decides SHE wants to have sex, it should be in a safe environment and done responsibly, and we explain what that actually means to us.

We don’t talk to her about specific things they say to each other. We try not to read the intimacy stuff too much and we never comment on it, but we pay attention to things like “My mom invited you over and she’ll let us do whatever we want here” kind of stuff (one of many reason we don’t’ let her go over often). Though we told her up front when she got her phone that we would be randomly looking at her texts and the like, we don’t continue to remind her that we’re doing it. They are a great source of information and have led us to bring up topics that we may not have otherwise. We found out that he drinks once in a while and we saw her tell him that it’s not safe and she won’t go anywhere with him being like that. She doesn’t know we read that, but it prompted a discussion a couple of weeks later to reinforce that, reminding her not to ride with people under the influence, not to drink or do drugs herself; but that if it happens she should call and we’ll come get her and anyone else that needs a ride immediately. It’s not like that’s the first time we discussed the topic, but it was a great time for a refresher.

My main concern about all of this is due to the immaturity related to her ADHD and other issues. Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her more than I did my elder daughter, who is in college and works, so not always available to give her advice. And though I’ve provided examples of her making good choices, I also know about many times when her good intentions have gone out the window when she’s been hyper or emotional and in the middle of a situation.


I totally get you on shutting up, though. We try. :)




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dvdnvwls
03-13-17, 05:25 PM
Being watched causes people to find ways to not be watched. So in the end, the watching can't really do any good. What it can do very effectively is teach sneakiness at an early stage. If you want her to learn to be sneaky, I guess that's your business.

The only way I can see to make your method workable is if she knows she has full open access to your private communication too - that she can open mail addressed to you, read your email, etc.

Postulate
03-13-17, 06:28 PM
Postulate, thanks for your reply.

I need to mull over your first paragraph, but I should probably clarify what I meant about what you stated in your second...

By “we talk to her about these things regularly” I mean the stuff that most parents tell their girls - we talk to her about sex, about not letting boys pressure her into things she’s not ready to do, and that just because she might love a boy and he might love her, does not automatically mean they need to have sex. We ask her to respect herself, think of her future and the consequences (not just pregnancy). We encourage her to wait till she’s an adult, but that whenever she decides SHE wants to have sex, it should be in a safe environment and done responsibly, and we explain what that actually means to us.

We don’t talk to her about specific things they say to each other. We try not to read the intimacy stuff too much and we never comment on it, but we pay attention to things like “My mom invited you over and she’ll let us do whatever we want here” kind of stuff (one of many reason we don’t’ let her go over often). Though we told her up front when she got her phone that we would be randomly looking at her texts and the like, we don’t continue to remind her that we’re doing it. They are a great source of information and have led us to bring up topics that we may not have otherwise. We found out that he drinks once in a while and we saw her tell him that it’s not safe and she won’t go anywhere with him being like that. She doesn’t know we read that, but it prompted a discussion a couple of weeks later to reinforce that, reminding her not to ride with people under the influence, not to drink or do drugs herself; but that if it happens she should call and we’ll come get her and anyone else that needs a ride immediately. It’s not like that’s the first time we discussed the topic, but it was a great time for a refresher.

My main concern about all of this is due to the immaturity related to her ADHD and other issues. Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her more than I did my elder daughter, who is in college and works, so not always available to give her advice. And though I’ve provided examples of her making good choices, I also know about many times when her good intentions have gone out the window when she’s been hyper or emotional and in the middle of a situation.


I totally get you on shutting up, though. We try.:)

In green is good, red is wrong. Bold red means very wrong, bold green means very good! What is that idiot doing wanting to drink and drive? Time for him to have a discussion with his father...

dvdnvwls
03-13-17, 06:38 PM
Postulate: Why?

Postulate
03-13-17, 06:55 PM
Postulate: Why?

Mind being more specific? I'll explain a few:

Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her

She has plenty of girlfriends in school. Without offence, the mother is the worst choice a daughter can make to confess her sexual behaviour to. The father is a better candidate but he's not very good either. The best person in this world for her to confess her sexuality to is? Drum bell....her boyfriend! Surprise! You didn't see this one coming? Her mother is not going to please her, so why would she talk to HER about it? It would be a bad interaction.

And though I’ve provided examples of her making good choices

This is great and entirely defendable for a parent to do, but not when it comes to sexual behavior. For example, if her daughter slaps her boyfriend on the face, then she kisses him. Her mother cannot come and say what did you do, why are you violent? Ok? It's none of her business. She can look the other way.

and we explain what that actually means to us.

Again this is super defendable if it's a general sexual education class, but not when it's about her sexual behavior! Maybe...under the tree, is...you know she has a propensity for seeking out a more natural setting. Her mother cannot tell her to go to a hotel. Right? Right.

Caco3girl
03-14-17, 08:51 AM
Ajaxblu....in my opinion you have explained to your daughter what your views are and that is good. In the end she will make her own decision. I would encourage you to explain in detail how a baby changed everything AND have a talk about STD's even in a "committed relationship". Be clear that you aren't giving your permission for anything you are just educating her.

In the end I would say you are lucky that he cares about her and is well known to the family. How many of us can say our first time was with someone like that. If it happens it happens, and if she is comfortable with it then so be it, all you can do is educate her so she can make an informed decision.

sarahsweets
03-14-17, 09:30 AM
(one of many reason we don’t’ let her go over often).
Did the BF or his parents give you the impression that they will be ubsupervised and it will be like a party house?

Though we told her up front when she got her phone that we would be randomly looking at her texts and the like, we don’t continue to remind her that we’re doing it. They are a great source of information and have led us to bring up topics that we may not have otherwise. We found out that he drinks once in a while and we saw her tell him that it’s not safe and she won’t go anywhere with him being like that. She doesn’t know we read that, but it prompted a discussion a couple of weeks later to reinforce that, reminding her not to ride with people under the influence, not to drink or do drugs herself; but that if it happens she should call and we’ll come get her and anyone else that needs a ride immediately. It’s not like that’s the first time we discussed the topic, but it was a great time for a refresher.
Let me be clear...I do NOT mean to pick on you because you are doing a really good job. Re:reading the texts...I have been of the belief that until my kids give me reason to (drugs, alcohol use, suicidal thoughts and dangerous self harm) I have no business reading their text messages. Its akin to reading a diary now in days. She will figure out you read them if she hasnt already and work harder to be deceitful. Its not that she is some lying bad kid, she's a teenager and thats what they do.
The alcohol use and driving should have been a topic before you read it and it shouldnt take reading it to have it. My kids all know that I will come get them if they are anywhere or with anyone who is under the influence, no questions asked, no punishments.

My main concern about all of this is due to the immaturity related to her ADHD and other issues. Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her more than I did my elder daughter, who is in college and works, so not always available to give her advice. And though I’ve provided examples of her making good choices, I also know about many times when her good intentions have gone out the window when she’s been hyper or emotional and in the middle of a situation.

This is totally valid but she cant learn how to make good important and safe, responsible decisions if she is not allowed to deal with them in the first place.





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sarahsweets
03-14-17, 09:30 AM
In green is good, red is wrong. Bold red means very wrong, bold green means very good! What is that idiot doing wanting to drink and drive? Time for him to have a discussion with his father...

Or mother.

sarahsweets
03-14-17, 09:40 AM
Mind being more specific? I'll explain a few:

Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her

She has plenty of girlfriends in school. Without offence, the mother is the worst choice a daughter can make to confess her sexual behaviour to. The father is a better candidate but he's not very good either. The best person in this world for her to confess her sexuality to is? Drum bell....her boyfriend! Surprise! You didn't see this one coming? Her mother is not going to please her, so why would she talk to HER about it? It would be a bad interaction.
Im going to go out on a limb and assume you havent raised any teenaged girls and thats why you have these attitudes. A parent, especially a mother is THE person you want your child to confide in. I dont mean sexual details but anything to do with having sex, love and sexual questions, concerns-anything. As a parent you can give them correct info so they dont rely on Mrs Google or Suzy Sunshine for the right information. It is not the best thing to "confess" sexuality to a boyfriend because he is half the equation and will have an obvious pro-opinion on the subject. I have had numerous talks with my kids ( i have three) My son is 21 and when he had a serious girlfriend I laid it out and told him if he was too embarassed to buy condoms, I would do it because fear shouldnt keep you from being safe. My son came to me before his father. The same goes for my 17 year old. She was 16 and had an 18 year old boyfriend and I told her that birth control was something you had to think about before sex. And I am pretty sure at that point she had already had sex but I told her we should see a doctor and make suren everything is ok, and taught her that her body and sexual protection was half her responsibility and half his. Making her an active part in her own sexual health is good for women. No one should be ashamed.

This is great and entirely defendable for a parent to do, but not when it comes to sexual behavior. For example, if her daughter slaps her boyfriend on the face, then she kisses him. Her mother cannot come and say what did you do, why are you violent? Ok? It's none of her business. She can look the other way.
ridiculous.


Again this is super defendable if it's a general sexual education class, but not when it's about her sexual behavior! Maybe...under the tree, is...you know she has a propensity for seeking out a more natural setting. Her mother cannot tell her to go to a hotel. Right? Right.
[/quote]Specifics are always better than General.

Postulate
03-14-17, 09:57 AM
What exactly do you find ridiculous about that statement Sarah? Do you suddently get an urge to be a better partner to him and intervene? Do you forget that before being a mother, as a woman, you are a potential sexual partner to ANY man? Ooooopsy! He can end up switching very easely I mean if you know better why would he go for the lesser female? He might prefer you.

ajaxblu
03-14-17, 10:21 AM
<!--><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> Did the BF or his parents give you the impression that they will be ubsupervised and it will be like a party house?


Let me be clear...I do NOT mean to pick on you because you are doing a really good job. Re:reading the texts...I have been of the belief that until my kids give me reason to (drugs, alcohol use, suicidal thoughts and dangerous self harm) I have no business reading their text messages. Its akin to reading a diary now in days. She will figure out you read them if she hasnt already and work harder to be deceitful. Its not that she is some lying bad kid, she's a teenager and thats what they do.
The alcohol use and driving should have been a topic before you read it and it shouldnt take reading it to have it. My kids all know that I will come get them if they are anywhere or with anyone who is under the influence, no questions asked, no punishments.


This is totally valid but she cant learn how to make good important and safe, responsible decisions if she is not allowed to deal with them in the first place.





[/quote]








Thanks Sarah. It seems that each time I try to clarify myself on this thread, another misunderstanding pops up. In an effort to be concise at times I often leave out the wrong info.

Yep, we've talked about all of that numerous times over the years - alcohol, driving, drugs, sex - all of it. The [I]refresher a couple weeks later was prompted by the text about drinking - wasn't the first or even 8th time we'd discussed.

We do randomly say 'Hey, let's look through your phone together' and we go through her instagram, etc. contacts with her one by one, making sure she gets rid of anyone she doesn't know in person, anyone we don't approve of - otherwise she has hundreds of people following her that she's never met, some of questionable safety.

As far as the texts, as I said, we did tell her ahead of time that we'd randomly look at her phone, especially if there was a reason. We didn't actually look at it until we did have reason a few months back. We saw some photos on her instagram of things they were being allowed to do at his house under his mother's alleged supervision (the father lives in another state). It never seems to occur to her, though we told her up front and she knows we see what she posts, that we might look at her stuff. That obliviousness is part of the reason we worry about her decision-making.

We had discussed with his mother ahead of time what we're comfortable with and what we're not. She claimed she agreed. Then we saw the instagram photos I mentioned of them in his room on his bed (clothed thank goodness), photos she posted for the world to see. We wanted to be sure they weren't lying to us about his mother actually being there. They weren't lying - his mother allows them to go into his room alone and shut the door. She rarely checks on them. That's when we started actually looking at the texts randomly, even though we had told her months before when she received it that we would do so. His invitations for her to come to his house are accompanied by "my mom will let us do whatever we want." I don’t look at her texts regularly.

We wouldn't choose this relationship for her, but unless he's dangerous we're not going to forbid her to see him. He does genuinely care about her. He drinks once in a while - but as far as I know he has never driven while he drinks. We have him over to our house when time allows. We have met his father and his adult siblings – they all seem to be on the same parenting page as us. But he lives with his mother.




My main reason for starting this thread was me wondering if any of you parent your ADHD teen girl differently than you would with a non-ADHD teen girl. We went through all of this stuff with our older daughter but she was more inherently aware, and she had friends. She knows she can come to us about anything, but I know that teen girls won’t come to their parents about everything, which is why I would love for her to have a friend to talk to, and it worries us that her only friend is her BF.





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Caco3girl
03-14-17, 11:10 AM
It's perfectly fine to monitor and ensure that everything is ok. She's a minor and she's your responsibility. So monitoring...sure, setting rules for both, sure, however, be aware that setting too many rules for too many years often results in her being dumped for another. So it's affecting the extent of things she can bring into the relationship and the guy can at some point very well say bye. The father should be handling this especially when talking to the boy.

I couldn't help but to notice something:

"We talk with her about these things somewhat regularly "

Really? You do? What is said to her in those texts by that boy, in terms of intimacy, belongs to her. It's none of your buisness to tell her what you think about it, so save it. Ok? Even if she asks you about it, you say "that belongs to you sweetie!" This is a no comments policy. Understand? Commenting about what you think of their sexual approach causes permanent damage, worse than drug abuse. So that's my two cents, just abstain from doing that.

Don't miss golden opportunities to shut up :)

Postulate, are you over the age of 30?

Caco3girl
03-14-17, 11:21 AM
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My main reason for starting this thread was me wondering if any of you parent your ADHD teen girl differently than you would with a non-ADHD teen girl. We went through all of this stuff with our older daughter but she was more inherently aware, and she had friends. She knows she can come to us about anything, but I know that teen girls won’t come to their parents about everything, which is why I would love for her to have a friend to talk to, and it worries us that her only friend is her BF.


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Honestly, I treat my ADHD son like my mother treated me, and I am not ADHD. I demand to know where he is, who he is with, and what he will be doing. I have multiple "spies" on the street to let me know if anything odd is happening. For the most part he does just fine, as far as I know. For the times that I don't know...well...it's entirely possible he's getting away with something.

I've stressed and re-stressed what a baby would do to his life and REALLY stressed being tied to the mother or the next 18 years so knowing the girl for a month probably isn't enough time to determine if she's bat crazy. I've shown him where the condoms are in CVS, also discussed spermicide. Told him I would buy them if he wanted them, but again stressed about how a girls birth control could fail, or she's too embarrassed to tell him she forgot to take it, and he should always rely on himself for birth control and STD prevention, and a HUGE part of prevention is getting to know the girl and her family and be in a relationship that has lasted more than 6 months. We have talked about condoms breaking and both genders not knowing they had an STD so when he becomes sexually active it's important to take tests.

When he was in 6th grade the school guidance counselor called me to tell me that it was going to be a problem that he knew nothing about girls because the girls knew a lot about boys and my boy was too cute not to have a clue. I spoke about it with his father and he refused to have THE talk with the boy. His reasons actually were fairly sound, he feared he would go off on an ADHD tangent and make it sound like a good idea or not stress the important points, and he knew I would....so I did.

I've seen my son with a condom, he attempted to hide it at first, then I causally commented "Remember if you keep those in your pocket or wallet they are more likely to break"...he said "Are you mad?" I said no, why would I be, you are allowed to have that you just need to remember that sex can change your life forever...he gulped but smiled.

All I can do is cross my fingers, make sure I have talked with him, and hope for the best. Growing up is very difficult but it's not something I can do for him.

sarahsweets
03-14-17, 12:48 PM
What exactly do you find ridiculous about that statement Sarah?This is great and entirely defendable for a parent to do, but not when it comes to sexual behavior. For example, if her daughter slaps her boyfriend on the face, then she kisses him. Her mother cannot come and say what did you do, why are you violent? Ok? It's none of her business. She can look the other way.

You said:
Do you suddently get an urge to be a better partner to him and intervene? There is no better when it comes to my marriage, we both are good at helping our kids in different ways. When I intervene its because we talked about it and it was a better choice for me to do the talking.

Do you forget that before being a mother, as a woman, you are a potential sexual partner to ANY man?
This is particularly ridiculous because my being, my whole self and ability to be a wife and mother has NOTHING to do with being a sexual partner to any man OR woman. It has NOTHING to do with this conversation, yet you manage to bring this subject up everywhere, and not that includes the parenting section?

Ooooopsy! He can end up switching very easely I mean if you know better why would he go for the lesser female? He might prefer you.
Is there a language barrier? Is English your native tongue? I am being completely serious because I am hoping I just misunderstand your underlying points because of your grasp of the language and not because your beliefs happen to be sexist, degrading and very chauvinistic.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 01:40 PM
It's perfectly fine to monitor and ensure that everything is ok. She's a minor and she's your responsibility. So monitoring...sure, setting rules for both, sure, however, be aware that setting too many rules for too many years often results in her being dumped for another. So it's affecting the extent of things she can bring into the relationship and the guy can at some point very well say bye. The father should be handling this especially when talking to the boy.

I couldn't help but to notice something:

"We talk with her about these things somewhat regularly "

Really? You do? What is said to her in those texts by that boy, in terms of intimacy, belongs to her. It's none of your buisness to tell her what you think about it, so save it. Ok? Even if she asks you about it, you say "that belongs to you sweetie!" This is a no comments policy. Understand? Commenting about what you think of their sexual approach causes permanent damage, worse than drug abuse. So that's my two cents, just abstain from doing that.

Don't miss golden opportunities to shut up :)

It is way beyond she is a minor and her parents' responsibility. If she gets pregnant, her CHILD is now the grandparent's responsibility.

If 15 year olds were truly capable of making life altering, adult decisions completely on their own, they would be not be considered MINORS and the responsibility of their parents.

If she is dating some boy, at FIFTEEN years old! and he decides her parent's concern about THEIR 15 year old daughter's sexuality, in ANY way, is too much and decides to break up with her? Good riddance. Bye bye.

Just astonishing advice to tell someone to let their 15 year old figure it our on their own.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 01:51 PM
Thanks Sarah. We put our older non-ADHD daughter on birth control when she was 16. She'd been having horrible cramps and I knew it helped with that and would of course have the added benefit of what it was made for in the first place. I always worried that it was an invitation to have sex, but like you, I felt safety was more important.

Maybe I baby this daughter more than the other because she's so much more immature. She doesn't have horrid cramps so I don't have the same excuse. Maybe I need to stop worrying about having an excuse.

You don't need an excuse, just a REASON. And being impulsive and immature is a VERY good reason.

Our youngest daughter with adhd (she is now 22) is very impulsive. She was on meds for her adhd for most of her life. When she was a freshman, she decided she wanted to try a med break over the summer. She was 15, always an active part of her own treatment, so we said sure, try it.

Within a MONTH she was pregnant. She just didn't slow down enough to EVER think first!

Our grandson is the most precious, perfect little boy in the entire world. But it was very hard. Very very hard.

YOU know your daughter. YOU know her maturity level, her impulsiveness. Talk talk talk to her. Talk to her about what to expect, ASK HER what she expects, when she is alone with her boyfriend and emotions and desires start to take control.

She does need you to help her, it is simply absurd to expect her to figure out how to handle the very ADULT aspect of sexuality and the life altering consequences.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 01:59 PM
Being watched causes people to find ways to not be watched. So in the end, the watching can't really do any good. What it can do very effectively is teach sneakiness at an early stage. If you want her to learn to be sneaky, I guess that's your business.

The only way I can see to make your method workable is if she knows she has full open access to your private communication too - that she can open mail addressed to you, read your email, etc.

Or, when you have a child that is now a teenager and trying to figure out how to handle the final transition into adulthood, being watched is a huge comfort, knowing they aren't on their own to figure everything out. Knowing that they do not necessarily have to broach an embarrassing topic, they can leave it on their phone KNOWING FULL WELL it will be read, and have your parent broach it for you.

And your last statement makes no sense. A parent and teenage child are not equals. They are not friends. They do not share equal responsibilities. The child will not be responsible for the consequences of the actions of the adult.

Postulate
03-14-17, 02:02 PM
You said: There is no better when it comes to my marriage, we both are good at helping our kids in different ways. When I intervene its because we talked about it and it was a better choice for me to do the talking.


This is particularly ridiculous because my being, my whole self and ability to be a wife and mother has NOTHING to do with being a sexual partner to any man OR woman. It has NOTHING to do with this conversation, yet you manage to bring this subject up everywhere, and not that includes the parenting section?


Is there a language barrier? Is English your native tongue? I am being completely serious because I am hoping I just misunderstand your underlying points because of your grasp of the language and not because your beliefs happen to be sexist, degrading and very chauvinistic.

So you've never heard of a man switching from the daughter to the mother? You don't know much. I once met a girl and liked her, she liked me, but when I met her mother, oh boy, I wished i could take my words back, I would have taken the mother out over the daughter any day.

Do you realize a mother is a potential sexual partner for any man including her daughter's boyfriend, and, if the mother keeps getting involved... she might get involved too much! Hello brains. Time to wake up .

Its best for the mother to adopt a very decent and assertive approach when it comes to their sexual behaviour, ok, she has no buisness knowing the rights and wrongs of bedroom play.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 02:05 PM
Mind being more specific? I'll explain a few:

Without having any girlfriends to confide in, I worry about her

She has plenty of girlfriends in school. Without offence, the mother is the worst choice a daughter can make to confess her sexual behaviour to. The father is a better candidate but he's not very good either. The best person in this world for her to confess her sexuality to is? Drum bell....her boyfriend! Surprise! You didn't see this one coming? Her mother is not going to please her, so why would she talk to HER about it? It would be a bad interaction.

And though I’ve provided examples of her making good choices

This is great and entirely defendable for a parent to do, but not when it comes to sexual behavior. For example, if her daughter slaps her boyfriend on the face, then she kisses him. Her mother cannot come and say what did you do, why are you violent? Ok? It's none of her business. She can look the other way.

and we explain what that actually means to us.

Again this is super defendable if it's a general sexual education class, but not when it's about her sexual behavior! Maybe...under the tree, is...you know she has a propensity for seeking out a more natural setting. Her mother cannot tell her to go to a hotel. Right? Right.

You DO realize this is a FIFTEEN year old girl, right?

NOT an adult?? Still 100% incapable of living independently of her parents?

Still NEEDING boundaries and guidance?

Postulate
03-14-17, 02:13 PM
You DO realize this is a FIFTEEN year old girl, right?

NOT an adult?? Still 100% incapable of living independently of her parents?

Still NEEDING boundaries and guidance?

Is she sexually appealing to men, is she fertile capable of having a baby? Yes? So shes a woman, not an adult but a woman nonetheless. So those boundaries are fine if they don't restrict and penalize her sexual beliefs and rethoric. The mothers rethoric in that matter is what worked for her and her alone.

This is not a time for the mother to say honey, let me tell you how MY sex life works out. Can she care less? You folks are having a bit of trouble today.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 02:28 PM
Is she sexually appealing to men, is she fertile capable of having a baby? Yes? So shes a woman, not an adult but a woman nonetheless. So those boundaries are fine if they don't restrict and penalize her sexual beliefs and rethoric. The mothers rethoric in that matter is what worked for her and her alone.

This is not a time for the mother to say honey, let me tell you how MY sex life works out. Can she care less? You folks are having a bit of trouble today.

No, she is not yet a woman. Just NO. Sexually appealing to men? Seriously?

The mother's sex life has absolutely NOTHING to do with this. Not. ONE. Thing. Totally irrelevant. And sick that you even CONSIDER it to be.

Wow. Yes, I know I for one am having trouble with such a perverse and abhorrent view of a mother and daughter's relationship.

dvdnvwls
03-14-17, 02:30 PM
Or, when you have a child that is now a teenager and trying to figure out how to handle the final transition into adulthood, being watched is a huge comfort, knowing they aren't on their own to figure everything out. Knowing that they do not necessarily have to broach an embarrassing topic, they can leave it on their phone KNOWING FULL WELL it will be read, and have your parent broach it for you.

And your last statement makes no sense. A parent and teenage child are not equals. They are not friends. They do not share equal responsibilities. The child will not be responsible for the consequences of the actions of the adult.

I don't believe for one moment that a parent and a teenage child are equals. But when a teen knows that her mother is reading her private communications, there is (always and immediately) a problem with trust. It doesn't matter whether the mother can see that trust issue - it's there nonetheless.

I was vainly trying to find a way for parents to restore a sense of trust for a teenager, but I see that it can't work that way. The solution is don't read the texts.

A girl needs to know that her private communications are private. (So does a boy of course.) If she hasn't personally found other channels of communication that are truly private, her boyfriend or other friends will clue her in pronto. (They likely already have - the texts being read these days are likely bait, put there especially for mom's benefit.)

Kids are never stupid at the times when we need them to be. :)

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 02:35 PM
Do you realize a mother is a potential sexual partner for any man including her daughter's boyfriend, and, if the mother keeps getting involved... she might get involved too much! Hello brains. Time to wake up .

Its best for the mother to adopt a very decent and assertive approach when it comes to their sexual behaviour, ok, she has no buisness knowing the rights and wrongs of bedroom play.

This is sickening. Seriously. Sickening.

You turning a mother asking for advice on her daughter's budding sexuality into the mother getting intimately involved in the minute details of sex with her daughter's boyfriend is so bizarre and depraved.

Luvmybully
03-14-17, 02:39 PM
I don't believe for one moment that a parent and a teenage child are equals. But when a teen knows that her mother is reading her private communications, there is (always and immediately) a problem with trust. It doesn't matter whether the mother can see that trust issue - it's there nonetheless.

I was vainly trying to find a way for parents to restore a sense of trust for a teenager, but I see that it can't work that way. The solution is don't read the texts.

A girl needs to know that her private communications are private. (So does a boy of course.) If she hasn't personally found other channels of communication that are truly private, her boyfriend or other friends will clue her in pronto. (They likely already have - the texts being read these days are likely bait, put there especially for mom's benefit.)

Kids are never stupid at the times when we need them to be. :)

Yes, that is ONE scenario, the child finds ways to sneak.

But that is not the ONLY possibility. Some kids really do appreciate the fact that their parents are checking up on them, it makes them feel more secure knowing they can get help without having to come right out and ask.

The fact that this girl LEFT the messages on her phone about drinking, and even the comments about the boy's mother allowing them to do whatever they want, KNOWING her phone was going to be checked, says a lot about what she actually DOES want her mom to see, and help her with.

ajaxblu
03-14-17, 02:45 PM
Thanks to everyone else for your advice! :)

Postulate
03-14-17, 06:02 PM
This is sickening. Seriously. Sickening.

You turning a mother asking for advice on her daughter's budding sexuality into the mother getting intimately involved in the minute details of sex with her daughter's boyfriend is so bizarre and depraved.

You are entitled to your opinion as am I. My view is that what I say is my humble opinion and communicating it to others is a privilege for which I am thankful. I think we can have a difference in opinion without any trouble. Some say I'm a troll, because I may post things that have shock value, but posting shock value material is a necessary condition however not sufficient to being a troll.

Mothers should not mingle in their daughters sex life. Do you understand that? If shock value is what's required to persuade people, I may have recourse to telling things as they are rather than sugar coat it. That's fine. The end justifies the means.

You know what? I have an idea. I highly recommend any daughter dating a boyfriend, whose mother's fingers are too long, to go talk to her father, saying:

"dad, it's weird that I have to tell you this but, my mom is all over my text messages my boyfriend sends me. She keeps telling me I'm not doing this right, that I should tell him this. I can notice she's very nervous lately, especially when my boyfriend is around, she's not herself anymore. Could you please take over her monitoring duties? I'd rather have you do it, I would be more comfortable."

And her father will have a mature discussion with his wife and calm her down, ok? He'll explain to her what came first, the chicken or the egg.

namazu
03-14-17, 06:05 PM
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