View Full Version : Slowly breaking


howdy1983
03-20-17, 12:06 PM
So, I'm sorry if this might not be correct, but at this moment I'm sat in floods of tears while my partner with ADD continues on with her day....

I've been with her for three years now and she was on a medication that made her high and low erratically.
Her new medication is slow releasing

On her first medication she became horrible only for a couple of days

But on these new meds it's been two weeks and it's just been horrible

Usually there are fights at least four days out of the week,
in the past three years, no matter what I say or do even in an upbeat tone of voice with a smile on my faceor just ask her to do a little more
It turns into a massive argument
But lately it's worse
She has an extra coating of couldn't give a damn and what she says stings more than usual.
it feels like she doesn't care and hates me more than anything else.

example:

I asked her not to fill the bin up too high when it's overflowing,
by ask I said "I'm not starting an argument, I promise, I just want to explain something, but I don't want to upset you, and it's not a personal thing, I just want to ask you something, when the bin gets high can you pull it out and put another one in if you catch it when it's at the point" to which I get an out burst of f yous , f offs, personal attacks about myself and that I do nothing, she does everything.

she believes I'm personally attacking her just by opening my mouth.
I'm so scared to talk to her about anything.
And I have to practice it in my head before I say it allowed to make sure it's ok to say

If she wants something, it's not up for discussion, if I say no I have to go through the motions of her hating me, and making me feel like the worst person in the world,
She wanted a dog which we can afford and can't take care of, we've recently moved country, in an apartment and have two cats which it wouldn't be fair, I've said no to the dog and now I'm the worst person in the entire world and I honestly believe I'm the most incredibly worst person in the world !

I've lost friends and can't make new ones because I'm on edge as she tells me not to behave certain ways that are part of my personality in case I embarrass her

In about an hour I'll either get an apology or she'll find me crying , tut say something like here we go again and lay on the second attack, then maybe after that get an apology

But right now, as I have no one to talk to
I just really needed to get it off my chest

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to do that, but I feel like I have no where else to go

Postulate
03-20-17, 12:52 PM
Howdy, are there things that your partner likes, that you discovered, from experience or inquiry, that please her? And do you do these things often?

Also, you mentioned that you were planning on her finding you crying. Where is this way of thinking coming from? How did you come to think like that? That you'll cry, and then when your partner comes, "surprise! I guess she didn't think about that one. Look what she's done!"

dvdnvwls
03-20-17, 02:22 PM
If her new medication causes her to act horrible, then the medication needs fixing first. What has happened on that topic - have you been able to talk to her about it?

Postulate
03-20-17, 02:52 PM
If her new medication causes her to act horrible, then the medication needs fixing first. What has happened on that topic - have you been able to talk to her about it?

Not necessarily. Are you sure that she's unhappy because she's on something?

finallyfound10
03-20-17, 04:17 PM
So, I'm sorry if this might not be correct, but at this moment I'm sat in floods of tears while my partner with ADD continues on with her day....

I've been with her for three years now and she was on a medication that made her high and low erratically.
Her new medication is slow releasing

On her first medication she became horrible only for a couple of days

But on these new meds it's been two weeks and it's just been horrible

Usually there are fights at least four days out of the week,
in the past three years, no matter what I say or do even in an upbeat tone of voice with a smile on my face or just ask her to do a little more
It turns into a massive argument
But lately it's worse
She has an extra coating of couldn't give a damn and what she says stings more than usual.
it feels like she doesn't care and hates me more than anything else.

example:

I asked her not to fill the bin up too high when it's overflowing,
by ask I said "I'm not starting an argument, I promise, I just want to explain something, but I don't want to upset you, and it's not a personal thing, I just want to ask you something, when the bin gets high can you pull it out and put another one in if you catch it when it's at the point" to which I get an out burst of f yous , f offs, personal attacks about myself and that I do nothing, she does everything.

she believes I'm personally attacking her just by opening my mouth.
I'm so scared to talk to her about anything.
And I have to practice it in my head before I say it allowed to make sure it's ok to say

If she wants something, it's not up for discussion, if I say no I have to go through the motions of her hating me, and making me feel like the worst person in the world,
She wanted a dog which we can afford and can't take care of, we've recently moved country, in an apartment and have two cats which it wouldn't be fair, I've said no to the dog and now I'm the worst person in the entire world and I honestly believe I'm the most incredibly worst person in the world !

I've lost friends and can't make new ones because I'm on edge as she tells me not to behave certain ways that are part of my personality in case I embarrass her

In about an hour I'll either get an apology or she'll find me crying , tut say something like here we go again and lay on the second attack, then maybe after that get an apology

But right now, as I have no one to talk to
I just really needed to get it off my chest

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to do that, but I feel like I have no where else to go

(((howdy1983)))

Her behavior is not related to medications if it's been going on for three years and you've lost friends as she is trying to control your behavior. Of course, she is not horrible all the time or you would not be with her. She has good parts too.

That being said, and this is not easy to hear:

You are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

I was in one too so I know what it looks like. Even reading your post made me anxious and my heart beat faster as I remembered those feelings. My ex-boyfriend never hit me and she may never hit you but it is still abuse. Many people who have gone through both say that the emotional and verbal was actually worse than the physical and took longer to heal from.

The thing that finally got through to me and I knew I was in serious trouble was when this thought came to me:

How would I feel if my parents, my friends and my co-workers knew:

How horribly I allowed myself to be treated?

How horrified and embarrassed would I be if they knew I practiced what to say and how to say to keep the peace so as not have to go through a completely illogical argument over something that anyone else would not give even 2 seconds of thought to yet I am mightily defending myself over?

How I changed my behavior and personality to keep the peace so the day/night/date/party/event wouldn't be ruined by an argument where somehow he was the victim and I was the wrong one.

Doesn't this all sound familiar? This is how you are living your life right now. You titled your post "Slowly breaking" because that exactly what is happening to you.

You do not have to live this way. You need to end this relationship to save yourself and get put back together again.


Go onto the Relationships and Social Issues subforum here and look at these stickies:

How To Spot An Abuser - For Men (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15338)

Detaching With Love (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16248)

Also, google "emotionally abused men" "verbally abused men"

Think of this: If she were to get pregnant would you want your son or daughter to be raised by her? Treated the way she treats you? Watch how she treats you?

You may be thinking a break up will be hard! Yes, you will miss her and the good things and will be lonely. You will mourn in many ways like one does when a healthy, loving, normal relationship ends. You will still be anxious and doubt yourself for a time- it's really more of a PTSD-like period but with time you will notice yourself feeling good about yourself, opinions and ideas. You will start to feel valuable and worthy again. A good therapist can guide you through the many wildly opposing emotions you are having. It helped me a lot.

This probably isn't what you expected and I wish I could've written something about ADHD medications and how people react to them but as I kept reading I knew it wasn't about that.

Good luck.

dvdnvwls
03-20-17, 05:26 PM
I think I have to agree with those who are saying this is abuse. That was my first thought, and I tried to be fair and not just say the first thing that popped into my head - which was "Leave, right now, and don't look back". :(

Postulate
03-20-17, 06:52 PM
finallyfound10, maybe he chose an unfortunate example but I think she was within her rights to tell the OP to "f off" when the OP made that garbage bin suggestion. Howdy, you can carry the garbage yourself, and when it gets full, make sure you throw it out and replace the bag. OK?

I still can't figure this out, where does this behaviour come from. Complaining about household tasks not done, crying with tears, adopting a feature of crying when she gets there so she can know she upset you and feel sorry? Are you ok, I'm serious?

Postulate
03-20-17, 09:01 PM
Ok, my mistake, I did not realise OP was a woman so you can discard my behavioural remarks. She indeed seems to be abusive.

Quick question, did she have any boyfriends in the past?

sarahsweets
03-24-17, 03:23 AM
So, I'm sorry if this might not be correct, but at this moment I'm sat in floods of tears while my partner with ADD continues on with her day....
Thank you for sharing your pain. It is really hard to be the nonadhd person in a relationship and I hear you.


I've been with her for three years now and she was on a medication that made her high and low erratically.
Her new medication is slow releasing

Can I ask what the name of the medication is?

On her first medication she became horrible only for a couple of days

But on these new meds it's been two weeks and it's just been horrible

Are you able to get more specific about whats horrible? i dont mean necessarily scenarios, but like, mood, tears, anger, apathy,behavior?

Usually there are fights at least four days out of the week,
in the past three years, no matter what I say or do even in an upbeat tone of voice with a smile on my faceor just ask her to do a little more
It turns into a massive argument
But lately it's worse
She has an extra coating of couldn't give a damn and what she says stings more than usual.
it feels like she doesn't care and hates me more than anything else.

I doubt she hates you or doesnt give a damn but it still hurts- I get that.

I asked her not to fill the bin up too high when it's overflowing,
by ask I said "I'm not starting an argument, I promise, I just want to explain something, but I don't want to upset you, and it's not a personal thing, I just want to ask you something, when the bin gets high can you pull it out and put another one in if you catch it when it's at the point" to which I get an out burst of f yous , f offs, personal attacks about myself and that I do nothing, she does everything.

I dont understand what the bin is or what is in it but I dont know if it matters. Something to think about would be if you would rather fight about the bin and point out things about it, or just make it a point to keep an eye on it and switch it out yourself. I am not making excuses for meaness I am just trying to think of the easier choice in this one situation.

she believes I'm personally attacking her just by opening my mouth.
I'm so scared to talk to her about anything.
And I have to practice it in my head before I say it allowed to make sure it's ok to say

This is tough, because has people with adhd we are attacked so many times over many years that even regular stuff can seem like an attack. I know I personally get the most defensive when there is an element of truth to something.

If she wants something, it's not up for discussion, if I say no I have to go through the motions of her hating me, and making me feel like the worst person in the world,
She wanted a dog which we can afford and can't take care of, we've recently moved country, in an apartment and have two cats which it wouldn't be fair, I've said no to the dog and now I'm the worst person in the entire world and I honestly believe I'm the most incredibly worst person in the world !

This is hard too, because the impulsiveness of adhd makes it seem like we want what we want when we want it, and its hard to see things from other perspectives sometimes. Have you told her that you do not want to be taking care of the dog? i know that no matter what you would probably be taking care of a dog no matter what she says about it because pets are always the whole family's job. I dont think you were wrong in not agreeing to one, but how she takes that news is her issue and not you. Just like she sees you talking about the overflowing bin as an attack, you have to try and remove yourself from this one situation with the dog and not take that part personal.

I've lost friends and can't make new ones because I'm on edge as she tells me not to behave certain ways that are part of my personality in case I embarrass her

This sounds mean to me. It sounds like more than adhd.

In about an hour I'll either get an apology or she'll find me crying , tut say something like here we go again and lay on the second attack, then maybe after that get an apology

Apologies do not make up for meanness and nastiness. They help but there is no guarantee that they will work and you are not required to just flip a switch and move on. Its all a process.

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to do that, but I feel like I have no where else to go

You are in the right place. Does she get any counseling? Do you? I think you could benefit from your own counseling because you need an objective person to help you learn to either deal with her, learn to react differently or, in some cases move on.
Other than her issues as they relate to you, hows the rest of her life? Does she have any problems with other people?

ToneTone
03-24-17, 11:17 AM
Get to a counselor right away.

You are mixing:

1) ADHD and its challenges for partners ...

with

2. abusive behavior and language ...

There is no inevitable overlap between the condition and abusive behavior.

Those are separate issues.

Medication is usually no excuse for abusive behavior either.

Sounds like this relationship has undermined your confidence and your voice. That's why I say YOU would help yourself to get a counselor right away. And don't ask permission. Just go! ... And start the process of regaining your voice and learning how to say no and learning how to stand up for yourself.

The problem with compromising with abuse is that you destroy your own alarms about how dangerous and bad the abuse is. Living with abuse also undermines confidence. You can lose the ability to think for yourself and take action for yourself because you can get so used to surviving and minimizing the abuse.

You don't want to compromise with or manage abuse. No such thing. You want to escape abuse, end abuse.


My heart goes out to you. You can get to a better place--even if you don't feel like it right now. Just go get some help. Also start sharing this behavior with other people, so you can get oriented back to a non-abusive reality. Quit hiding this stuff.


Tone

kilted_scotsman
03-25-17, 04:25 AM
As others have said, go and find a counsellor.

Likewise your partner needs to find a counsellor.... a different one. If they refuse to go that's a sign they are not currently committed to change..... that may alter over time, but right now it's a big marker.....

Someone with an ADD diagnosis needs to be able to receive feedback about how they come over without going into attack mode. This can be difficult, and counselling helps A LOT.

As others have said... ADHD and abusive behaviour do not need to overlap.... if they do only the person with ADHD can change that..... and we often need support to change.... but that support requires robust and appropriate boundaries..... without this even the most well meaning friend/partner can impede change rather than support it.

On another point... the gender of the OP and their partner makes no difference to the nature or impact of the abuse or the response to it.