View Full Version : Desperate, afraid, and depressed. Hey!


BrandonB1617
03-22-17, 01:08 PM
I'm writing this here in chemistry class, a class I haven't paid attention to for more than probably 3 class periods the entire 2 months I've been at my school.

I've been depressed for 3 or 4 years now. I've tried Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Tegretol. All to no avail. I felt nothing from any of those pills; no side effects or desired effects.

Obviously I don't mean this literally, but I feel like my brain's broken. In class, I spend most of my time with my pencil in between two of my fingers going up and down and my head in my phone. Most of the teachers don't care if you're on your phone. My grades are okay. I don't have to pay attention to classes like english or history to get 80s, sometimes 90s. But I struggle in math and chemistry. I just can't bring my brain to even try to pay attention to the lessons. When I do try, I can't remember all the details. I miss and forget steps; I have to take it so slow when solving problems. I absolutely need to have something with all the steps laid out or I'll forget. I'm not an idiot. Or at least I don't think so. I understand in classes like math there's an underlying logic to it all, but my thought process is just so... off. I don't know how to delineate it to you. I just feel like a bit of an alien. My brain frustrates me. It makes me worried I won't be able to succeed at all.

While never being exactly precocious in anything STEM related, I loved reading as a kid. I really enjoyed it. Just envisioning myself as the protagonists instead of the social isolated kid I was. I even won some contest in third grade for reading the most books in an allotted period of time. We of course had to take comprehension tests on them which I usually passed. When I read, I definitely skip certain details my brain filters out. Like, I don't care about a persons hair or the color of a car; I just want to know what's going on in the plot.

In my attempt to at least get respite from my depression, I took some of my friends Vyvanse. Not my finest moment. Even at just a therapeutic dose (40mg) my world changed. It was probably akin to a blind person getting sight. I didn't feel depressed! My cognition wasn't ****! Admittedly, I was euphoric. I know if I took the pill for more than a day that would eventually stop. However, based on what I've read, the increased cognition wouldn't.

My dad was saying maybe I'm Bipolar during my first visit with my latest psychiatrist. He cited a time when I actually went and talked to him for awhile one night. "He was really sociable and happy that one night. Maybe he was manic?" I just replied "I was on drugs", referring to the Vyvanse. I told them how happy it made me. So now they have me down as having a "propensity for drug abuse" or however they phrase it.

During my last session, my dad really questioned them on the possibility of using Vyvanse for my depression since it's the only pill that I've actually felt anything good from in years. The actual psych I normally was busy, so we talked to the practitioner or whatever he was. He seemed to get a bit overwhelmed at my dad's relentless questioning about it and said we could try Strattera, a non stimulant ADHD med. He said if that fails we can look at Vyvanse.

I've been on Strattera 40mg for a little less than a week now. I haven't felt anyrhing, but I know it takes a few weeks for the effects to be fully felt.

After all this talk about Vyvanse, it got me thinking about wether I had ADHD. I've never been diagnosed with it and my inability to concentration has been attributed to my depression by every doctor. But, my cognitive problems I described earlier have been around as long as I can remember. It certainly got worse with the depression, but the depression isn't the underlying cause imo. I'm seeing a doctor to get psychological testing soonish, so that would be the person to talk to.

However, I'm afraid. I'm worried that my psych will be so afraid of giving me a stimulant, becuase I used one illegally before and just never do it. I'm so tired of suffering, and it seems like using a stimulant on me might just work. If anyone has had any experience in a situation like this feel free to talk about it. I'm curious on how these kind of situations are usually handeled.

Anyway, glad to be on the fourm!

sarahsweets
03-24-17, 01:57 AM
Im curious, are you in high school or a minor?


In my attempt to at least get respite from my depression, I took some of my friends Vyvanse. Not my finest moment. Even at just a therapeutic dose (40mg) my world changed. It was probably akin to a blind person getting sight. I didn't feel depressed! My cognition wasn't ****! Admittedly, I was euphoric. I know if I took the pill for more than a day that would eventually stop. However, based on what I've read, the increased cognition wouldn't.
Let me say that I understand how desperate you can be with depression that you are willing to try almost anything to feel better, so this is not meant to be judgement. But it wasnt a good way to find out what would work. Because stimulants are CII controlled substances, no matter what your intentions were, it just doesnt look good.

[qute]My dad was saying maybe I'm Bipolar during my first visit with my latest psychiatrist. He cited a time when I actually went and talked to him for awhile one night. "He was really sociable and happy that one night. Maybe he was manic?" I just replied "I was on drugs", referring to the Vyvanse. I told them how happy it made me. So now they have me down as having a "propensity for drug abuse" or however they phrase it.
[/quote]
I know that label may not be accurate but to a doctor that has to watch his butt with agencies like the DEA it freaks them out, and when you emphasize the euphoric part of the medication it does sound like you were trying to get high even if you were not.



After all this talk about Vyvanse, it got me thinking about wether I had ADHD. I've never been diagnosed with it and my inability to concentration has been attributed to my depression by every doctor. But, my cognitive problems I described earlier have been around as long as I can remember. It certainly got worse with the depression, but the depression isn't the underlying cause imo. I'm seeing a doctor to get psychological testing soonish, so that would be the person to talk to.

There are a lot of things that capture what it is to be adhd. Its not just the stuff you can google or based on something you have read. Its something that was always present in childhood. I believe you must have 6 or more symptoms that impair your life in 2 or more ways in order for it to be adhd.

However, I'm afraid. I'm worried that my psych will be so afraid of giving me a stimulant, becuase I used one illegally before and just never do it. I'm so tired of suffering, and it seems like using a stimulant on me might just work. If anyone has had any experience in a situation like this feel free to talk about it. I'm curious on how these kind of situations are usually handeled.

Anyway, glad to be on the fourm!

I understand your fear and in your case, if you do have adhd, I dont see why you shouldnt be allowed to try a stimulant if maybe you can get your dad to be the one to give you your meds. He would be the one monitoring it, and you would still be able to take it, But this all depends on a thorough eval by the psychiatrist and whether or not you do actually have adhd.