View Full Version : Need advice


Rolarimma
04-01-17, 07:47 PM
I've been friends with a guy online for 15 years. We were just friends in an online RPG for many years until about four years after my husbands passing. We ended up online dating for 1 1/2 years until he broke up due to my pressuring him to call me which he has never done. It's been 3 1/2 years since that breakup now, but we still talk every day and say night every night, etc. He said nothing had to change after the breakup. I know he's who he says he is. I've sent packages to his house. And he has sent a couple selfie pics to me. He is literally the best thing ever. As long as you're not having any type of serious conversation. It's been five years total and I don't want to give up on him. He was single for 12 years before me. But I'm not 100% sure he really likes me as much as I like him. I'm just looking for advice. Thanks

Greyhound1
04-01-17, 08:07 PM
Welcome to the forum!

Does he have ADHD? Not that it seems relevant to this I'm just curious.

I'd say the best thing would be to just str8 out ask him. Ask if he has any romantic feelings or does he just consider you to be a friend.

If he says friend than I would suggest you move on romantically

Rolarimma
04-01-17, 08:19 PM
He has adhd and social anxiety. Our relationship has been romantic from the start five years ago. He shuts down quite quickly when questioned and if he ever feels pushed or anything. He'll just stop talking out of the blue if I make him uncomfortable. He knows that I love the crap out of him. He just never reciprocates those words or feelings or anything. Once I said that I was stopping communication because he had been very quiet and if he needed that then I had to give that to him. But he never let that happen which makes me think maybe there is something there on his side. He's also 42 years old and never lived away from his family. I know he has tons of issues, and I know he's worth working through them for. I'm just not really sure he's willing to try working through them, or if he's able even. Thanks for the welcome :)

dvdnvwls
04-01-17, 09:06 PM
The fact that he's taken this long...

Why would he change the way things are? He likes it like this, or if he doesn't like it, in any case it's solidly established as the way things really are.

If things stay exactly like this, will you be happy with that?

Greyhound1
04-01-17, 09:07 PM
Since being quiet worked before perhaps being more aloof may be the way to go.

Rolarimma
04-01-17, 09:36 PM
Yeah, thanks you guys. You've made some good sense out of this

ToneTone
04-01-17, 10:27 PM
I would move on ... this saying goodnight to each other ... No way, you're going to date or meet other people as long as you have that habit in place.

Take the emotional hit and disappointment and move on ... by moving on, I mean for sure STOP the nightly goodnights. Stop that immediately ... And stop the daily communication ... Definitely stop unless he is really ONLY A FRIEND ... to you ... if you have the faintest interest in more than friendship, then stop communicating daily ... but frankly, I have close friends that I don't want to communicate with every night.

I worry you're still trying to date this person, to win them back ... without saying so ... won't work ... never works ... if it works, it never takes this many years.

Tone

sarahsweets
04-02-17, 09:29 AM
I've been friends with a guy online for 15 years. We were just friends in an online RPG for many years until about four years after my husbands passing. We ended up online dating for 1 1/2 years until he broke up due to my pressuring him to call me which he has never done. It's been 3 1/2 years since that breakup now, but we still talk every day and say night every night, etc.
I dont believe this is a relationship in that romantic relationships usually have and end goal-to be together physically at some point. 15 years is a huge amount of time to be bound to someone who gets upset if you ask something of him or disappears when uncomfortable. Imagine if you lived together and that happened?

He said nothing had to change after the breakup. I know he's who he says he is. I've sent packages to his house. And he has sent a couple selfie pics to me. He is literally the best thing ever. As long as you're not having any type of serious conversation. It's been five years total and I don't want to give up on him.
I cant believe you have never met him in 15 years. I dont believe after all this time that its very healthy. And people lie all the time on the internet. How do you know he doesnt have a completely different situation. Just sending things to the house is no guarantee. And a selfie as a means of verifying who you are is easy to do. Serious conversations are the meat of committed relationships and you deserve the right to have them without him clamming up. You should give up on him. He has hijacked your life and emotions and prevented you from finding someone else. He isnt going to change because its obvious he wants this to stay as is. He has this on his terms and its selfish of him to not let you go. Its not 'giving' up, Its called getting your needs met and you are not and need to find someone who loves you enough to meet your needs.

He was single for 12 years before me. But I'm not 100% sure he really likes me as much as I like him. I'm just looking for advice. Thanks
I woudnt think someone felt the same about me if he didnt want to take it to the next level. Its a natural progression even with LDR's and internet love.

sarahsweets
04-02-17, 09:32 AM
He has adhd and social anxiety. Our relationship has been romantic from the start five years ago. He shuts down quite quickly when questioned and if he ever feels pushed or anything.
Always shutting down is proof he will not be willing to commit to you even if it was in person.

He'll just stop talking out of the blue if I make him uncomfortable. He knows that I love the crap out of him. He just never reciprocates those words or feelings or anything.
Who shuts down when they love someone? Maybe in the early days but not always. Recipricating love is what makes a relationship equal.


Once I said that I was stopping communication because he had been very quiet and if he needed that then I had to give that to him. But he never let that happen which makes me think maybe there is something there on his side. He's also 42 years old and never lived away from his family. I know he has tons of issues, and I know he's worth working through them for. I'm just not really sure he's willing to try working through them, or if he's able even. Thanks for the welcome :)

There is something there, convienence. He has everything he wants on his terms, I wouldnt be surprised if he had a relationship with more than one person.