View Full Version : Getting dressed on time


Sunflower009
04-03-17, 08:57 AM
My oldest daughter is 5 and is suuuuuuuuuuuper slow to get ready. Any time of day... mornings and bedtimes are the worst, but it is also hard to just get out of the house. I realize that this is normal 5-year-old behavior, but our 3-year-old is a lot faster and is usually done before the 5-yo has even started without many reminders.

Since I have ADHD myself I have been careful to break things down into tiny chuncks, but it's like she just ignores everything I say. I tell her in a nice, peppy, motivating way, "OK, so now it's time to get your shirt on", and she will just turn around and play with somthing else, and not even make any motion at all to get started. Our morning routine takes 3 hours, from the time they wake up to the time we leave the house. (That's including a lot of me getting the other two kids ready, but the biggest factor is the 5 yo)

It doesn't seem to matter much weather I am helping her by picking out the clothes and handing them to her one by one, or weather I simply guide her by asking her to pick out everything herself, and giving her instructions on what to do next. If I just leave her alone she doesn't get dressed at all, the entire day (happens on some saturdays).

I usually try positive motivators like "OK, as soon as you're ready, we can go to the playground!" Which often makes her excited, and do one step, but then she gets sidetracked and just doesn't finish. Other times (when she is annoyed with me) she will just say she'd rather stay home, and therefore doesn't need to get dressed.

She has been able to get dressed herself since she was about 3.5, so I know it doesn't have anything to do with ability, also she sometimes does it really quick (if there is just the right motivator, like a birthday party). Today I got her to do it by offering play on the ipad for 10 minutes before school.

Any other tricks out there???

Caco3girl
04-03-17, 02:33 PM
To me it sounds like she has another glitch other than just ADHD....if you are standing there and she just will NOT put on her shirt...that's not typical ADHD. Sending her to her room with a pile of clothes and when she put them down she noticed a toy and started to play and got distracted IS ADHD.

Each kid is different. When i wanted my son to hurry I would race him. I would hand him his clothes, make sure he approved of what they were, and then I would set a task for myself such as going to the bathroom or brushing my teeth "I bet you I can get done before YOU can"...and it was a race and he always did very well.

Now, when I tried that technique on my daughter and said "I bet you I can get done before YOU can" she said "You probably can."....and there went THAT trick!

TygerSan
04-03-17, 08:03 PM
Does she have difficulty in all situations? Like even if you're going somewhere super exciting that she should be motivated to get ready? Or is the problem only on school mornings? I always ask that question because I was super slow getting ready for school because I absolutely dreaded going (teacher issues that I couldn't verbalize).

mildadhd
04-03-17, 11:34 PM
For about 20-30 years, before I was diagnosed with ADHD, we played ice hockey at the rink.

As I left the dressing room I noticed I was always one of the last people to leave the dressing room.

But then I would forget until the next game, until as I left the dressing room, and I noticed again I was always one of the last people to leave the dressing room.


M

StoicNate
04-04-17, 03:04 AM
I just get lazy at times (a lot of times) and wear the same thing as the day before.

sarahsweets
04-04-17, 04:32 AM
Some kids are just pokey regardless of adhd. When one of mine used to be that way at a young age I had to literally stay in the room and go step by step with each piece. It was a PITA for awhile but it sure beat the aggravation of running late.

ajaxblu
04-04-17, 08:23 AM
My 15yo still takes forever for all of that stuff also, though I agree with Caco that perhaps there's more to it if she just turns around and does what she wants while you're standing there handing her the clothes.

What is her demeanor when that happens? Is she being defiant or matter-of-fact? Angry or laid-back?

mildadhd
04-04-17, 09:05 AM
I am not sure why others do not see taking longer to get dressed related to ADHD?

I see it as the same problem as when it takes me longer to write tests, etc.

My son seems to slow down when I ask him to hurry up. I read in a book called "Scattered", by Gabor Mate that this kind of oppositionality could be a type of "passive counterwill"?

But because the daughter in the OP happens to get dressed slow all the time, I think it is more related to ADHD, than "passive counterwill"?

It could be both ADHD and passive counterwill, but I always take longer to get dressed, even when there is not anyone to oppose.


m

Little Missy
04-04-17, 09:12 AM
I'm still in a shirt, underwear and boots. All I need to do is put on my jeans but I can't.

mildadhd
04-04-17, 09:18 AM
I'm still in a shirt, underwear and boots. All I need to do is put on my jeans but I can't.

To funny.

That is what happens to me when I am in a rush.

Rushing only makes it worse.

And when I am rushed by someone else, my counterwill is not very passive. (More like a grrrrrrrizzly bear)



m

Caco3girl
04-04-17, 09:36 AM
I am not sure why others do not see taking longer to get dressed related to ADHD?

I see it as the same problem as when it takes me longer to write tests, etc.

My son seems to slow down when I ask him to hurry up. I read in a book called "Scattered", by Gabor Mate that this kind of oppositionality could be a type of "passive counterwill"?

But because the daughter in the OP happens to get dressed slow all the time, I think it is more related to ADHD, than "passive counterwill"?

It could be both ADHD and passive counterwill, but I always take longer to get dressed, even when there is not anyone to oppose.


m

Because ADHD is attention deficit and or hyperactivity...if I give a short clear direction like here is your shirt put it on and the child doesn't...that has nothing to do with being inattentive or hyperactive, that is a form of defiance in my opinion, which is why I said it's not only ADHD.

As I said earlier, if you hand the child a stack of clothes with the instruction to go put them on then that allows them time to get lost in their own head, to be distracted by other things...etc. Her not putting on clothes in that case is classic ADHD.

mildadhd
04-04-17, 10:09 AM
Because ADHD is attention deficit and or hyperactivity...if I give a short clear direction like here is your shirt put it on and the child doesn't...that has nothing to do with being inattentive or hyperactive, that is a form of defiance in my opinion, which is why I said it's not only ADHD.

As I said earlier, if you hand the child a stack of clothes with the instruction to go put them on then that allows them time to get lost in their own head, to be distracted by other things...etc. Her not putting on clothes in that case is classic ADHD.

It also has something to do with being inattentive or hyperactive, not only counterwill.

Sounds like you are ruling out ADHD, when you write it has "nothing to do with being inattentive or hyperreactive".

Counterwill or not, I think it also has something to do with inattentive and/or hyperactivity.




m

Caco3girl
04-04-17, 10:13 AM
It also has something to do with being inattentive or hyperactive, not only counterwill.

Sounds like you are ruling out ADHD, when you write it has "nothing to do with being inattentive or hyperreactive"


m
My only experience with ADHD is with my son. Based on everything I have observed and experienced what the OP described has nothing to do with ADHD. I would very much rule out ADHD for the cause of her daughter not following a simple instruction like put on this shirt, as the parent stands right there.

This is what the OP said " I tell her in a nice, peppy, motivating way, "OK, so now it's time to get your shirt on", and she will just turn around and play with somthing else, and not even make any motion at all to get started."

My son will follow a short direct order, like put on THIS shirt. If I had said put on A shirt...that opens the door for questions in his brain and the ADHD has full reign, but put on THIS shirt...there is nothing to think about. The fact her daughter doesn't even attempt to grab the shirt but ignores her mom to do something else...I can't see what part of ADHD that would be.

mildadhd
04-04-17, 10:30 AM
My only experience with ADHD is with my son. Based on everything I have observed and experienced what the OP described has nothing to do with ADHD. I would very much rule out ADHD for the cause of her daughter not following a simple instruction like put on this shirt, as the parent stands right there.

This is what the OP said " I tell her in a nice, peppy, motivating way, "OK, so now it's time to get your shirt on", and she will just turn around and play with somthing else, and not even make any motion at all to get started."

My son will follow a short direct order, like put on THIS shirt. If I had said put on A shirt...that opens the door for questions in his brain and the ADHD has full reign, but put on THIS shirt...there is nothing to think about. The fact her daughter doesn't even attempt to grab the shirt but ignores her mom to do something else...I can't see what part of ADHD that would be.

You may be right that counterwill is involved, but ADHD is also involved.

If I have something going on in my mind, and someone nicely hands me a tshirt to put on, and nicely tells me to put it on, whatever I had going on in my mind may still want to go on. It will not always stop going on just because someone nicely handed me a t shirt and nicely told me to put it on.


m

ajaxblu
04-04-17, 11:48 AM
I don't think at all that Caco was saying that ADHD is not a factor, but that there's also another factor involved, besides ADHD. Also, not instead of.

Letching Gray
04-04-17, 12:24 PM
Did you have to raise this topic? Do you spy on me? The next time I do anything on time, will be the first time. I'm a disaster. I never have the time to do anything right the first time, but somehow scrape together enough time when I have to fix it.

Caco3girl
04-04-17, 03:07 PM
I don't think at all that Caco was saying that ADHD is not a factor, but that there's also another factor involved, besides ADHD. Also, not instead of.

Honestly, that is exactly what I was saying. If I stand right in front of my son, hand him a shirt, ask him to put it on, then he does.

However, if I say pick out a shirt to wear for today...THAT could take an hour. But if the choice is made as to what shirt and it's just a matter of putting it on, if I am standing there, then he does.

Wonder if the OP has looked into ODD.

mildadhd
04-04-17, 04:02 PM
Counterwill is normal in all people, especially people who have less mature self esteem, like people who have ADHD.



m

dvdnvwls
04-04-17, 08:06 PM
Honestly, that is exactly what I was saying. If I stand right in front of my son, hand him a shirt, ask him to put it on, then he does.

However, if I say pick out a shirt to wear for today...THAT could take an hour. But if the choice is made as to what shirt and it's just a matter of putting it on, if I am standing there, then he does.

Wonder if the OP has looked into ODD.
This sounds excessive... sort of black-and-white thinking (by you, not by anyone's child). A child being stuck inside his mind and unable to follow an instruction is not a reason to suddenly leap to ODD.

mildadhd
04-04-17, 08:33 PM
...If I stand right in front of my son, hand him a shirt, ask him to put it on, then he does.

However, if I say pick out a shirt to wear for today...THAT could take an hour. But if the choice is made as to what shirt and it's just a matter of putting it on, if I am standing there, then he does.



I think your son puts his shirt on faster, because you are involved in putting on the shirt on with him.

You have already done very well to do it with him.

Do not worry that he cannot do it in normal time by himself.

Keep the relationship priority, and I guarantee he will learn to pick out and put on his shirt himself.



m

Lunamoth
04-05-17, 12:52 AM
I physically dressed my son until he was 7 because it was just not worth the battle first thing in the morning and he was clearly struggling. At 8 he now insists on dressing himself (a little slowly but not worth complaining about). He still can't choose his own clothes, but I'm pretty confident that he'll have mastered that skill by age 18.

I remember being a kid, I found it hard work and I don't even have adhd. Sometimes they just need that extra help to make their life a bit easier when most days overwhelm them.

My kids often stay in their pyjamas all weekend if we don't have to leave the house. They love the weekends.

mildadhd
04-05-17, 01:21 AM
All infants require a relationship with at least one maternal-regulator (parenting figure) to help the infant self-regulate, because infants are not born with the ability.

It makes sense that children who experience a delay in the development of implicit self-regulation require a relationship with their maternal-regulator longer.


m

Caco3girl
04-05-17, 08:11 AM
This sounds excessive... sort of black-and-white thinking (by you, not by anyone's child). A child being stuck inside his mind and unable to follow an instruction is not a reason to suddenly leap to ODD.

As I said before, my only ADHD experience is with my son. If there are no choices to make, like which shirt should I wear today, then he doesn't get stuck in his mind.

I got the impression the original poster did a similar thing and her daughter just turned around and did something else. Not being able to follow a clear, simple, one step instruction where there are no other choices to be made is a defiant behavior, which made me think of ODD.

My ADHD son might ask me a question about why I had chosen that particular shirt, may have requested a different shirt, but he would have engaged me in conversation about the shirt or just put the shirt on. Now that he is 14 he does dress himself, but he has an hour to do so and still misses the bus at least once a week. We live 2.2 miles from the school, thankfully he can walk there and be mostly on time or at least only miss first period.

dvdnvwls
04-05-17, 11:52 PM
It's not defiant if he can't actually do what you're asking.

ADHD does not make sense. It's unfortunate but understandable that many parents who don't have ADHD themselves end up giving only lip service to the main point with ADHD children - ordinary expectations and ordinary strategies do not work, and (with very few exceptions) will not begin to work at a later date either.

Caco3girl, I'm glad your son doesn't happen to struggle with things like this. Many of us do.

Unfortunately, one of the main ways that ADHD doesn't make sense is that our ability is "reliably inconsistent" - you can't assume that today's ability will be there tomorrow. It's frustrating for parents, but it's exponentially more frustrating for bosses - it doesn't disappear.