I stand before you after having read what many of you have written about yourselves and feel ashamed that since knowing since childhood that I had ADD and really never stopping to observe the wreakage that I cast to those closest to me -and I mean family and significant others ,my friends always just accepted me ,but they did'nt have to live with me . I have driven off alot of people and while I was doing it I was adamant and self rightious that there was'nt jack that was wrong with me .However ,I thank god I found this forum because my soul has sought help before in the wrong settings ,AA ,NA .Therapists ,and now with your help -that I found through Google -and a graet phychitrist that I found through Google I think I have stumbled into a great group of people JUST LIKE ME .Man ,arent we a ****ed up bunch .I think that before if you looked up egocentric ,you would have seen my picture as one of the definitions .The past few days have been pretty low for me ,eating pie ,with only you guys whom give a hoot -see the corner I painted myself into ? Gotta go to my sons recital will post more later ,thanks for reading . :D

Hey Will, we have some common interist, one is the woodworking. I own a antique restoration shop. Where do your talents lie ?

You are on the road now. The beauty and the curse is that it's nearly impossible to un know what you now know to be true about yourself.

If my road out from under my massive ego is to resemble yours at all, the road will be steep for you too, but peppered with long dead dreams come true at last. Your post touches me at my core. I'm happy to know you. I am not alone, again.
Fight!

Dave ,I am an new construction commercial electrical foreman ,and when I'm not at work ,I'm working on something else :D I'm a beekeeper ,and make my own hives with the scrap wood from the jobs ,and am an all round very handy guy ,working with my hands really suits me and the ADD ,I love to ski and am advanced at that although not Expert ,I love the rush flying down the mountain ,I'm a monkey and can climb just about anything thats climbable (would have made a great cat burgler ) and am quite qualm in the face of danger .I love to tinker and to fix things and also horde material ,ie.wood ,wire because I hate to buy what I just saw thrown away the other day .
I assembled my own computer, overclocked it ,tweaked it ,increased the airflow and love racing around the net and backed away from learning hacking when I realized the ramifacations of getting caught -Theres that high risk behavior -All my life I've been a high risk dude

Thank you, Ian, you have something I want.

William.

You already have what I have. It only remains for you to put it to work, so that you too can believe it. It is what it means to be men, not boys. Welcome and congratulations.

If you keep your sword sharp and well cared for and your body and mind fit and treasured as only self love can, many young men that will follow you will be grateful for your courage.
Fight!
The hopeless romantic. Ian.

ps. If you aren't already running some version of Linux you are ripe for some exposure there. Download and make a bootable copy of Knoppix for an easy introduction. Many here are open to helping with your transition. :D

I'm running Xp pro with zone alarm and and AVG virus protection and behind my vonage router ,you can't see me or find me ! I use Opera Browser ,which is the best browser on the face of the planet ,very fast ,and it's a stand alone program not linked to windows so no exposure there .Every once in a while I go to Symantics site and do a full computer scan to see if I've picked up any bugs in my travels but so far so good .

Today is fathers day although it does not feel that special since my wife left .I feel very alone and am depressed and do not want any company to remind me of what a misfit I have been .I love my children but this day I want to spend alone and take care of myself ,believe me I feel bad enough already and do not want to see my wife where the no card ,no loving feeling ,will just top off how bad I feel already .I've been getting plenty of rest which is good because I tend to burn the candle at both ends most of the time and that wreaks havoc on my emotional state

One day at a time. I hope you take seriously some need for "support" around you. If not find a men's group and get on to the healing side. All is not lost bro.
Cheers!

thanks Ian ,yes the healing has begun ,I forgive myself ,touch and go there for a little while ,I was dying to get out of myself but you know I'm just me :D and most things are not what they seem and I know I'm a good person whose rational,very rational I would say and an mature man ,maybe a little immature but now that I'm 40 it's ok to think like a 30 yr.old :D

Wow! You've made it into your thirties emotionally? I'm not sure I'm brave enough to ask my wife about my status. :D
Cheers! Ian.

Good thread!

I'm also trying to pull myself out of the deep hole I spent my whole life digging.

I'm only 22, so I guess you might say my journey's just beginning, but that's not how I feel. My mom died at 7 and dad at 12. Put on Zoloft at 12 cause my arrogant, antisocial behavior and probing intellect, plus an inherited tendancy and the chaos in my life led to severe depression/malnourishment, etc. ADD diagnosis at 13.

Then lived w/ my brother who was against medication, so I fell apart pretty bad from 14-18. At 19, f'ed up on drugs and torn down and alone emotionally, I started my staggering path towards pharmacology. Since, I've been hospitalized 6 times for severe breakdowns and been through a few relapses. One step forward, ten back it seemed like for awhile. I've been on antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, stimulants, anxiolytics, you name it.

Finally, I started getting the picture. Started reading about neuropsychiatry, and mental health, addiction, ADHD, depression, etc. Got clean again, worked with a great counselor, and started approaching mental health by trying so hard to patiently address the many pieces of the puzzle.

Even though I've been heading in the right direction since November when I quit the drugs, it's been such a f-in messy ride. Twice hospitalized since then. I'm trying to build a foundation but I've been so alone in the world, to the point of living in a shelter for a short time.

Finally, after talking w/ the brother letting him know where I've been in my head and life recently, I found help. My three brothers got together, flew me to Atlanta to live w/ my second eldest bro.

Each day is a struggle for me, and I have the urge to give up constantly. When I feel like such a pathetic wreck, losing my mind, withdrawn, sad, ashamed, overstimulated, bored, or once again like a cold satellite to the world, it can sometimes really help to come here and know I'm not alone.

I appreciate you all sharing.

Like Ian said, keep going, one day, hour, or even minute at a time.

-Brian

the more I find out, the more I need to grow ,some how I became emotionally unhealthy ,or rather I never was .i remember going into AA when I was 24 and finding out I was very immature ,I grew and began to feel good about myself ,left the program and I guess I just stagnated ,these things don't just happen or maybe they do to to normal people but I'm far from normal you might say toxic ,I can behave fine professionally ,but my interpersonal skills were very immature and am finding out this is why I drive people away after the hot lust and the real fun times go by I had nothing left and the downside was I did'nt have the skills to cope with the loss and would try to get out of myself .This time I want it to be different ,it has started to get old ,I need a healthy me to survive ,the depression will be less and I will be able to have mature healthy relations ,I'm 40 and I want to get it right, starting now .I have made a great begining but it is a work in progress

Man Will , you have hit once of the big miles stones and come through great. 40 "A" I'm 51 and didn't get the fact stright till I was 46 and married with 3 kids. Lucky for me I married a strong Christian girls who said;"If I leave you their will be know one else.
>Focus on you new understanding and be slow to speek and fast to lisson to wisdom and you'll learn fast. ^5's bud !

Thanks for the inspiration all. There is strength in numbers.
Cheers!

I have noticed that I can be in good cheerful mood for a while then I feel down ,and I don't feel it is situational ,do any of you feel the same ?

I can feel almost giddy when things are down - at the same time. I thought about it and while I dont necessarily like change -- it thrills me. So I get bummed out then think of possibilities - then I get excited. But I'm still down.

I know that sounds weird...

Oh well. :)

I can laugh hysterically when I'm crying inside, and visa versa. I can even laugh and cry at the same time.

Very wierd feeling.

Regular exercise at 70% of my maximum theoretical heart rate (220 - age = MHR for men) for 40 minutes four times a week has helped take almost all of this cycle out of my life.
Cheers! Ian.

I have brought the weights out and am working out regularly ,love to get the muscles all pumped up ,it has a threefold effect -improves my mood -builds muscle - might as well turn into a fine speciman if I am going to be on the market again ,makes me feel good about myself

I came to realise my difference years ago and my family still keep reminding me of the pain I caused....this is why I don't see them anymore

Reading this has encoraged me further, i'm always not in the mood. Practically do nothing in work, however I'm quite good at computers and have accomplished something in the past and using it to give excuses not to do jobs. Practically ingnored my house and never invite any of friends home becasue of this. Joined a fitness club but hardly use, some of my friends who join later than me are having a great body but its axactly opposite for me. I'm irritating, argumentative and egoistic (sometimes). I never call my friends and if they call me I would be rude. Never had girlfriend cos can talk to her in phone (very impatient). My friends says they accept me the I'm but gets angry with all the time. I'm just writing whatever that comes to my mind and not going to reread, hope you can understand it. Bye.

I have brought the weights out and am working out regularly ,love to get the muscles all pumped up ,it has a threefold effect -improves my mood -builds muscle - might as well turn into a fine speciman if I am going to be on the market again ,makes me feel good about myself
Kewlio! Keep us posted on your progress. There is an exercise forum here that can always use a booster. :D

Take it slowly and carefully so the benefits last and last! Great news William.
Cheers! Ian.

yep ,arms are stiff as I write this ,just finished working out ,all pumped up ,was sweaty, then jumped in the pool naked to cool off ,did a couple laps and now here I am.Having been to the therpist already today the mind is pretty clear and sharp and the mood is up !!!! Been blasting the music and dancing in between sets to keep limber .I need a dancing partner to cut the rug with ,something I love to do and am pretty good at it. :D

thanks for the encouragment !

Will, I am 54 and inattentive ADD. The best words that I can give you is that to remember the word WE. It is a very small word but the meaning of it is paramount. Just like they say in the Program. We can do it, but i cant by myself. I, is alone and confused, we can make it better. This Forum has also helped me greatly,because of the common bond that WE have. Like you I do not know where I am going but I have people in my life that will go along for the ride with me. Hope this helps I have to learn how to cope with my ADD knowing that all the confusion and other traits are just apart of my life. As i am telling you this I am trying to listen to myself. May your journey be not so painful