View Full Version : Has anyone ever felt this hopeless or broken inside. A Blanket of Depression...?


dolophine
04-06-17, 07:03 PM
A lot of the time i feel so low it's hard to describe. I became addicted to opioids first at age 13......

I got very ill at age 16 and was put on 36mg of dilaudid a day with 180mg/day of methadone, and I spent several years in hospital with pulmonary embolisms, and severe treatment resistant SLE (lupus). I ended up getting a kidney transplant and never got to finish high school because I wasn't well enough to attend or even do it in hospital. I also am epileptic, and have grand-mal seizures regularly. I literally was in a hospital bed in hospital or at home with nurses from age 16-26.

I'm 31 years old, I pay the rent, bills, etc. I'm on disability right now and get $1228 a month and sometimes earn 100-300 working privately fixing computers and smartphones. My girlfriend pays for food, and internet, I pay everything else. I can't get out of bed without my methadone, I end up hospitalized if I go into withdrawal because of the complications.

I have no education, I feel I have no prospects in life. It feels like I'm just stuck and wasting everything. I knocked out my front teeth during a seizure in the fall and don't even want to smile or open my mouth anymore. I feel sorry for my girlfriend having to date a man with no front teeth, formerly handsome, now just toothless. I'm waiting to get new front teeth but still everything is just dismal. I only have a grade 9/10 education & I feel fortunate I possess any amounts of intelligence.

I stole from my mother in the past to feed my addiction. I've hurt family, friends, my gf. All I can do is stay in my methadone program and not buy benzos/barbs off the internet and for now it is the maximum I can do. She abused me physically very badly growing up and mentally even worse, yet I feel like she did the best she could and can't hold it against her. I'm trying to repair the relationship with her by going out with her for coffee every couple weeks showing her that I'm sober and not high on anything. It's the only good thing I can do to show her I love her and I'm doing the right thing by going to my recovery meetings and staying clean of street drugs etc.

I was at a point where I was IV'ing heroin, fentanyl, research opioids from the internet, and was also IV'ing powerful stimulants. I was consuming over 800mg of Etizolam and other "legal" benzodiazepines as well as making intravenous solutions out of them with propylene glycol so I could induce an anesthetia at home. My gf and I had a fight and I accidentally blacked out and took over 15 grams of Clormethiazole in a 48 hour period and woke up alive wondering where she was, (she had left to stay with a friend).

I ended up having several confrontations with the police and ended up held under the mental health act in the hospital on numerous occasions. Last summer in June I tried to grab an officers gun as they surrounded me in my apartment. I was in a psychosis and didn't understand they were there to help me and bring me to the hospital due to an overdose of percocet that was damaging my liver. I luckily was not charged for the assault on the officer or the gun grab, and spent a few days in the hospital getting the tylenol out of my blood/liver. On many occasions the cops had to come here because I was high on benzos and alcohol and take my girlfriend away from the apartment. I still remember spitting down on their cars from my balcony and telling them to go **** themselves and getting told to go back into my apartment. I feel like a moron for doing that when they were just trying to help my girlfriend decide whether to stay or leave me to sober up. I've never gotten physical with her or anything, but I guess she's felt I was so messed up it wasn't safe for her. I've robbed, stole, hurt myself and others....

The ghetto I live in his hopeless and corrupt .I have no fear anymore, never smile, never back down. Sometimes I go out walking at night around the hood just looking for conflict. My eyes are dead, I am broken, collapsed inside. Gunshots don't even surprise me around here...My heart is frozen, as if it's made of stone. I cry when alone, never showing it to the world.

Would anyone even care if something happened to me? Would anyone notice? I only have my Mother my Sister and my Girlfriend....No one would even care other than them... I have quit the needles, the benzos, barbiturates, I have been clean since July but I still feel like no one trusts me or loves me.

Does anyone ever feel like this? Or is it just me...............I feel alone in my head, like I have to be strong and never share these feelings with anyone for fear they may never speak to me again...

:(

dormammau2008
04-07-17, 05:27 PM
:grouphug:yes I do each day....I more than understand how you feel you also might look at pdst ... as well...sounds a lot like that....:grouphug:

Pilgrim
04-07-17, 06:18 PM
We always have choices and challenges. You think your dead but your not. I could very well have been in a similar situation but a wise counsellor steered me the right way.

One thing I would say, abuse at the hands of an ill parent is not uncommon. Teeth are replaceable. Goodluck

dormammau2008
04-07-17, 06:38 PM
true..as long as we live...theres hope.....

StoicNate
04-08-17, 12:24 AM
I don't have any income. Zero. I get my clothes from charity and thankfully I have a roof over my head. I'm on food stamps. There's no work where I live, which is in the middle of nowhere.

dormammau2008
04-08-17, 12:26 AM
where do you live????

StoicNate
04-08-17, 12:30 AM
where do you live????

I haven't updated my location on this website in 5 years or so, but I live in a tiny decrepit town that is 100+ miles from anywhere.

It sucks. I have to use all my food stamps in the next town over in one visit once a month.

Hermus
04-08-17, 03:20 AM
:grouphug:yes I do each day....I more than understand how you feel you also might look at pdst ... as well...sounds a lot like that....:grouphug:

Addiction aand ptsd go very much hand in hand. I don't know about the healthcare coverage of addiction treatment in the US. Where I got treated for addiction they also focus on the conditions that have led us to addiction, which is very important in my opinion. If you are not able to deal with life and with the past eventually addictive behaviour will be very hard to stay free from.

Another thing that is always good to consider is visiting self-help groups. For example Narcotics Anonymous or other 12 step groups. I have found them to be very helpful. If there are no meetings in your area you might consider online meetings as well. I know of a few. If you are interested in links to them PM me.

Take care, Nate. I wish you all the best.

sarahsweets
04-08-17, 11:12 AM
Sobriety should be your number one priority at all costs. You may have stopped the substances but you havent done much as far as keeping your sobriety as a treasured gift. I recommend taking a look at that before working on the other stuff.

Little Missy
04-08-17, 01:20 PM
Get your teeth fixed. A beautiful smile works wonders for recovery. :D

Letching Gray
04-19-17, 05:58 PM
Worse.

Who needs your help? You are bright and write well. Find a kid who needs tutoring. Bet you'd do that well.

sarahsweets
04-23-17, 07:45 AM
I meant to add this before but regardless of what you are taking now, I believe you could benefit from Inpatient or intensive outpatient rehab. You need to learn new coping skills that do not involve using or even wanting to use subtances to manage your life.

Vex187
07-31-17, 09:37 AM
Im new here but not new to addiction. Did a 14 month stint in rehab 10 years ago and just came out of a opioid addiction this time last year after being hospitalised for a week.... coming far closer than id like to dying from drugs than id ever thought i would. Was originally put on suboxone but since found it putrid and worse than what i was taking originally, lost my buzz, still craved what i took originally and was in constant withdrawal. Detoxing i had this realisation im just pointlessly fighting with myself and I could take these difficulties as a bad sign, or a motivational sign for change. Just a matter of perspective.... for me anyway.

Like whats already been said sobriety should be your first priority IMO. Personally i moved from suboxone to naltrexone. Best thing i ever did but its something I need to willingly take it every day, and can easily skip. However all i need to do is take it every morning and it removes the impulsiveness to go get on as i know it'll do nothing else but make me sick. Times like these are hard but its also the most important time to dig deep and look hard at ourselves and our lives, work out a new solution and try move on from the situation we're in.

In terms of a blanket of depression, yeah frequently. I raced motorbikes for years when i was young so learned how to block out fear and not accept myself as being the best i can be... for better or worse. Depression is a constant battle but as ive gotten older and spent time away from escapism, ive learned productive coping mechanisms rather than highly destructive actions, even starting to accept smoking weed causes more anxiety.

The way i see substance use is like this: You cant do it forever, if you do will die doing so or die broken. If thats the case im better off sorting my **** out now and building something better for myself, after all my life is my responsibility and only mine. I honestly struggle to move forwards many days but all you can do is your best, dont get down when you take a step back and if you keep away from drugs - especially opiates even if its a pharmaceutical - you'll eventually work out solutions through desire to change and or necessity.

Also dont derive your self worth and sense of self from your actions in addiction. Stealing, hurting people, and hurting yourself are all par for course for even the nicest people in addiction. In my experiences self compassion is the hardest to develop, but crucial if you want anything that resembles happiness. Whatever is required, forgiveness but not acceptance of yourself is going to be key. Best of luck and dont be afraid to seek support, and the longer you spend away from it the less pull it will have on you.