I am visiting my family this week. It has been a total nightmare. I dreaded it before we came, and now that we are here, it has been even worse than I dreamed. For the 1st time, I am really starting to think I am adopted, and that, for the 1st time ever, that I am the only one with an IQ over 50 in the room. :eyebrow:

Both my family and my Hubby's family live in the same small town. His family is and has always been a crazy, chaotic bunch. Once upon a time, I think I fit right in with them. But now I feel like the family zookeeper when I visit them. The sheer volume in their house, the clutter, the smells of cigarette smoke and dog and filth (house very messy!) drives me insane, and I have no tollerance of them at all.

My mother's house has always been our refuge. My mother is a widow and now that my youngest sister has finally moved out, the house is quiet and peaceful. Last night I was honored to be invited to go play bingo with my mother and her friend. I like going, or at least I used to. But I had never noticed before how Mom treats me when we go! She kept fretting that I couldn't handle it, kept checking my cards to make sure that I reccognized bingo, didn't want to give me any of the "tips" they bought for fear I would throw away a winner. At one point I told her friend in my best baby-voice, "I 4 years old. I can't weed or wite yet." She has been treating me like this at home, too. She complains about the way I fold clothes, about the way I clean house, my cooking skills, etc. She asked me if I was still taking pills for that "AD-whatever", and was just really short about all of that. She doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with me if I'd just wouldn't be so lazy, if I'd just try harder, and, well, not be such an airhead.

My sisters are almost as bad. I talked to my closest sister about my plans for going back to school. It's pretty bad to be 36 and finally figure out what you want to be when you grow up!! Anyway, I thought she would be supportive, but she said, "Oh, okay, you professional student, you." She's seen me start going and then stop before, so she has no faith in me.

Plus her ex-husband is a jack___, and my sister is a wimp when it comes to him, and will not stand up for herself. He's jellous of the close relationship that her son has with my oldest son, and so now he's saying horrible things about my son!!!! And my sister says, "Oh, well, what are you going to do? He says that stuff about everyone." Yeah, and he's made up false charges on everyone that gets close to his kids (He's trying to isolate them, like they are his personal playtoys. He's really an abusive, crazy sicko.) And he's making outlandish accusations that my son was doing innapropriate sexual things with my neice's barbie dolls. My son has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes him quite immature for his age. He still thinks that women get pregnant through kissing. He doesn't have a girlfriend, nor does he want one. He didn't even play with my neice!! He was outside with my nephew, and the two boys were catching tadpoles and having sword fights. This is a very common pattern for this man. 1st he starts hurling these accusations, it's always something sexual about my neice. He takes her to the ER and has her examined. Then he files false charges. My mother has had the county child protective services here twice, my sister has had them on her doorstep too many times to count. She has lost child-care workers and freinds because he makes these accusations on every male person that this little girl comes in contact with. He coaches this little child to say horrible, sexual things. I really fear that if ANYONE is molesting this child, it is him. She talks about taking lots of yucky medicine and playing "dress up" with her Daddy at his house. AND MY FAMILY DOES NOTHING!!! No calls to authorities. No lawsuits for the false charges, for slander, not even for back child support!!! My sister will not do anything because this guy was abusive when they were married, and after she left him he kidnapped the children several times. He has a long criminal record and substance abuse problem. And everyone around me just keeps saying I should not worry about it, nothing's going to happen to my son. He's supposed to be spending the next month with my mother, but now I'm afraid to leave him!!! But if I take him home with me, it's only punishing him and my nephew, and the jack___ wins. :(

So I've spent the past few days nervous and shaking and angry! I am physically ill. I don't even feel like this is home anymore! It's like I have looked at my family for the 1st time objectively and noticed that I don't belong here! I just want to be back home in NC, where I can breathe. Where my way of folding towels is the right way. Where my kids are safe from crackpots.

I'm sorry that this is long and ranting, but I am very much upset, and no one here seems to think I am justified about it. Again, oh, that's just crazy me, I over-react about everything. I live in my own little world. If you read this far, then thank you for listening.

a long time ago a psychiatrist told me to step out of the family drama. he suggested that i look at what's going on but not to get involved. like watching a play on a stage, he wanted me to be the audience and not an actor. it was an eye opener that's for sure.

your description of what's going on sounds very similar. i checked when you first registered at this forum. one assumes that people come here after they've been diagnosed and perhaps after they've started taking medication for ADD. so you have been doing some form of cognitive behavioural modifications on purpose or just because of more awareness since you've joined this forum. i assume this given your observations of the families.

i guess one of the next steps is to realize that huge emotional responses to what's going on around you are also not good adaptation. for your own sake. spending days shaking from being upset really takes it out of a person and accomplishes nothing.

maybe your sister's ex husband is molesting his daughter. you'd think if he's taking her to the hospital regularly the staff there would see something? it may be more complex than all that. i don't want to conjecture or speculate.

clearly though you are making progress since diagnosis because you can see what you didn't see before. i know with myself the next step was realizing that quite frankly the emotionality of my life was boring. i told myself: "for heavens sake, get over yourself. govern your body. govern your mind. .........already!"

i bet when you are up, you are way way up. like a high. but when you are down, you are way way down. that's how i lived my life. i even accepted it all and thought that i was alright. it was just me. but these days since i know about ADD and take medication i've also realized that my huge emotional responses to whatever's happening in my life or even in the world just uses up lots of energy and accomplishes nothing. i'm working on leveling things out a bit. so when i feel down i introduce subjects in my thoughts about things that make me happy. it works. and it seems the changes come about more rapidly than i'd have thought.

also you have to accept that the only person you can change is yourself. other people have their own choices to make.

wow! thanks for the great post, solitary bee.

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luv, as i read your post i thought to myself, ugh! glad i'm not mired in that mess anymore. i've been there and done that. it's so frustrating to *see* the mistakes people are making and to no you have no power to change it. for me, the only relief i've found is in letting go. letting go of what i can't change.

but, the situation with your son does deserve some positive resolution. since your view is a bit muddled by your emotions, can your husband be your sounding board? is your son at risk by remaining in that environment? can you give yourself a reality check on this point?

as for your niece, could you talk to a therapist or social worker and ask them their opinion of the situation? i think you could talk to someone in NC and if they suspect abuse, they'd do the reporting.... though you'd have to corroborate your statement, i'm guessing. if your hometown is small and everyone there already knows how messed up the situationis, maybe a call from someone on the outside would get something done, if there is cause for concern.

since he made accusations agains your son, i think i'd *only* leave your son there if your mom understands that under no circumstances is your son to be alone with either cousin. they should play in common areas with an adult never out of earshot. these measures would protect your son from false accusations. make sure it's clear that *that* is the reason for your precautions.

anyway, i hope venting helped. sometimes the biggest help comes from getting it out of your head!

take care,

w.

I realize that you didn't really ask for advice, but I feel compelled to say just this one thing. If your gut is telling you not to leave your son, then don't. Believe me in a situation such as you described the possiblity of that person making another accusation after you are no longer there sound very good. Really heed the warnings you are feeling and take your son home. Better to err on the side of caution than to live with regret.

I read your post and have to agree with Stacey. The man is obviously not well and it sound like he has been capable of inscrutable behavior in the past. One of the first things you learn in behavioral psychology is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This sound like he's developed quite a pattern. If your mom can't or won't heed the type of instruction that Stacey suggested, better to not let him stay at all. I know you don't want to dissapoint him but ithe ramifications could be too great if this man tries again to discredit your son.

I really feel for you. This is a tough situation and I wish you all the best.

I realize that you didn't really ask for advice, but I feel compelled to say just this one thing. If your gut is telling you not to leave your son, then don't. Believe me in a situation such as you described the possiblity of that person making another accusation after you are no longer there sound very good. Really heed the warnings you are feeling and take your son home. Better to err on the side of caution than to live with regret.
Just want to echo this sentiment. Your mother obviously lives in a good bit of denial and really can't be trusted to protect your son from this man. I don't think I'd risk it.

Scattered

'So I've spent the past few days nervous and shaking and angry! I am physically ill. I don't even feel like this is home anymore! It's like I have looked at my family for the 1st time objectively and noticed that I don't belong here!'

I have stopped talking to my family members, in incriments...first it was my father. But then I went back to attending family functions, when he got remarried, and for the first time, we actually had 'function', to attend. But I couldn't be me, and only ended up drunk at every one of them..and found solitude in sleep, early enough, to avoid any more chaos.
Then I stopped speaking with my sisters..I thought we were close, but when I started recognizing that one of them only called me when she needed help with 'fixing' her house, or whatever...and the other always had plans, that she couldn't change...I stopped calling and relating so much..

The catalyst came when I asked one of them not to divulge information I had given her, because I wasn't ready to deal with it, and I didn't know if I was going to remain with those plans...and she blabbed anyways, without remorse.

So I stopped talking with them. And recently have had my phone number changed, and have yet to give it to them..
Harsh? Maybe...but somehow it isn't foremost on my mind. I have other plans, that are going to come about, in the next few weeks, which I should notify them of...but I'm thinking I'll wait, until I go through with them, before I say anything...since telling them, will only open the door to moaning by them, anyways...

The really humorous thing is that I was told how I'm narcissistic, by them...but all I do is listen to them talk about what they are going through, and what they have to do...

And in the process, they haven't figured out that we're not that close after all...and I'm not going to be the one to point it out..

It doesn't hurt anymore, though, like it used to, in acknowledging it.

And even though my plans will not allow for them to have access to me, immediately, they will never relate to how they didn't really do that, anyways, when they were able to.
Disengaging from chaos is my trademark.
Nova

Disengaging from chaos is my trademark.
Well said Nova.

Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.

Thanks y'all for the great posts. :) I think you're right. There comes a time when you have to "disengage" from the family drama. My therapist had told me that, and told me that those problems belong to other people, not me. Told me that they were responsible for their feelings, and I am only responsible for my own. That is something that is still very hard for me to swallow. I am a "people-pleaser", and I cannot imagine not trying to get along with everyone, not trying to fix problems and make everyone happy. That's why I orginially went into social services, and why I'm looking into going back to school to change careers.

A little update: On Saturday the evil BIL came to my Mother's house to pick up the kids. My husband walked out to the car and asked to speak to him. BIL hastilly called his mother on the cell phone and told my Hubby that he didn't have anything to speak to him about. Hubby told him that he wanted to discuss Allen, and that he needed to hang up and get out of the car. BIL actually cowered down into the seat and yelled at my sister to hurry up and close the car door, then went spinning his tires to get away from Hubby!! My hubby is all of 5'4" tall, as gentle as they come, and really all he wanted to do was tell BIL that the incident with our son never happened, and he would appreciate it if he would not jump to conclusions or throw around accusations about our children ever again. I guess BIL is a big man when he's pushing around women and children: confronted with an equal and he is nothing but a coward!! We have laughed for days, and I've never been prouder of my Hubby.

BIL called my sister a little later to whine about Hubby "hanging on my car" and said that the children had told him that my son had been punished for the incident and he considered the matter closed. Sister told him that my son hadn't been punished because he did nothing wrong, and BIL said something to the effect of, "Well, you're family's nothing but white trash anyway, and they collect welfare in NC." Sister told him that was pretty funny, since we were driving new vehicles, own our own home, and have good paying jobs. And she reminded him that he was living in a trailer on his grandmother's lot, driving his mother's car, and working a min. wage job for a temp. agency, so who's the white trash? He got mad and hung up, and hasn't mentioned us since. :rolleyes:

My mother and Hubby convinced me to allow my son to stay as planned. Mother assures me that she will protect my son, and Hubby just keeps reminding me that he did nothing wrong, and that by taking home we are only punishing him, which is what BIL wanted to see done. It's not the whole summer, just a couple of weeks.

I Finished reading, "So I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?' on the way home from OH, Talked to hubby about some of the choices that I have been thinking about now that I am taking medication and looking for treatment. We talked about working with household routines and schedlues so that I could be less stressed at home, and then discussed my options for finishing my degree. My family has always been a little leery of my going back to school. Their attitude is, "You should have went to school instead of getting married and having kids. You've got an associates degree and a good job, so why bother? You just can't do it all, anyway, you need to take care of your kids. Besides, what are you going to do with an Education degree? You're too much of an airhead to be a teacher!"

Hubby says he's thanking Heaven that I finally see how they have held me back. He reminded me that I could have been anything if my parents would have beleived I had a problem and sought treatment for me when I was a girl. He's 100% behind me going back to school, and wants to help me any way he can. I think I'll keep the guy. LOL

why do we have to do things in one specific order? such rubbish. some of us get the childbearing over with early so we're not 65 plus with kids in college. :)

i'm 47 years old and some time next year the youngest kid will be leaving home. yippeee! then i can get on with doing whatever it is i want to do with my life. thank goodness i had my kids early. i'll be free of immediate parenting duties before i'm even 50. who i feel kinda sorry for are the women who are having babies at 40 plus. going through perimenopause and post-partum depression at the same time must be a major bummer.