View Full Version : Seeking help connecting with siblings


anonymouslyadd
04-16-17, 04:04 PM
I find myself holding back with my younger brothers and sister and not connecting with them as much as I'd like. I don't talk to my mom much anymore and worry about them telling her things about me.

This is very upsetting as I miss them so much. I don't want to tell them to keep things from my mom, because I know how difficult that is to do, having had to do that myself when I was growing up. My mom used to tell me not to tell things about her to my dad. My brother had me do the same thing with my mom.

My younger siblings are from my mom's second marriage, but we grew up together. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 16, and she and I have had a rocky relationship ever since. I've moved about 1500 miles away from where I grew up, where my whole family still lives. I think about this all the time when I consider reaching out to them.

What can I do to have a relationship with my younger siblings?How can I connect with them and keep myself safe? I'd like to send them cards and have as close a relationship as possible.

Fuzzy12
04-16-17, 04:46 PM
You say you don't have much of a relationship with your mom anymore so maybe it doesn't matter if they tell her things about you. Let them tell her what they want and let her think what she wants. Is there any way she can use it against you? You shouldn't have to miss out on having a relationship with your siblings because of that.

Luvmybully
04-16-17, 11:23 PM
I agree with Fuzzy. Don't let her get in the way of your relationship with your siblings.

Your mother can find ways to use all sorts of things against you, including NOT talking to your siblings anymore.

anonymouslyadd
04-17-17, 10:27 PM
You say you don't have much of a relationship with your mom anymore so maybe it doesn't matter if they tell her things about you. Let them tell her what they want and let her think what she wants. Is there any way she can use it against you? You shouldn't have to miss out on having a relationship with your siblings because of that.
I guess I worry about her just showing up one day. Maybe it's just something I need to face? I don't know.

dvdnvwls
04-18-17, 12:38 AM
What does it mean, her maybe 'just showing up one day"? Like she would invite herself to permanently live at your house? Or she would want to see you one day and go for lunch? Or what?

Moonlight
04-18-17, 05:22 AM
I think the first step here should be to patch things up with your mother. I mean, sooner or later, you will have to deal with that. So I guess you need to gather a lot of courage to see her and maybe soon after, things might work out.

Luvmybully
04-18-17, 11:45 AM
I guess I worry about her just showing up one day. Maybe it's just something I need to face? I don't know.

Do you mean her showing up while you are visiting your siblings? Or at your house?

I would say, yes, you probably should have a mental plan for if that ever happens.

But still do not let that possibility rob you of your siblings.

Luvmybully
04-18-17, 11:48 AM
I think the first step here should be to patch things up with your mother. I mean, sooner or later, you will have to deal with that. So I guess you need to gather a lot of courage to see her and maybe soon after, things might work out.

This is not your normal, average, mother here.

It took a LOT, an extreme amount, a monumental amount, of courage, to FINALLY break away from the unhealthy dealings with her.

staceyll
04-19-17, 08:16 AM
I, too, have a mother who seems similar to the one you described. It took me over 10 years to contact her but I did it. Time changes everything and when people grow old, they tend to calm down a bit. Granted this is not the case for everyone but for most people, that's how I've seen it play out. My advice would be to contact her and see what she's up to. If you don't want to go that route, go and contact your siblings yourself. Your relationship with your mother should not hold you back from this.

sarahsweets
04-20-17, 01:02 AM
I find myself holding back with my younger brothers and sister and not connecting with them as much as I'd like. I don't talk to my mom much anymore and worry about them telling her things about me.

This is very upsetting as I miss them so much. I don't want to tell them to keep things from my mom, because I know how difficult that is to do, having had to do that myself when I was growing up. My mom used to tell me not to tell things about her to my dad. My brother had me do the same thing with my mom.

My younger siblings are from my mom's second marriage, but we grew up together. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 16, and she and I have had a rocky relationship ever since. I've moved about 1500 miles away from where I grew up, where my whole family still lives. I think about this all the time when I consider reaching out to them.

What can I do to have a relationship with my younger siblings?How can I connect with them and keep myself safe? I'd like to send them cards and have as close a relationship as possible.

You are totally within your rights to ask that nothing be shared with your mom when you talk to your siblings, especially when its self protecting. When your mom would tell you not to tell your dad things she was wrong- that burden should never ever be placed on a child, no matter what. She was wrong to involve you and this isnt the same thing. If you do say this to them and find out that they still went back to your mom and told her stuff then you need to reevaluate your relationship with them.