View Full Version : Golf


Letching Gray
04-23-17, 05:48 PM
Let me warn you, while as an ADDER I need to learn ways to relax, enjoy the great outdoors, have spontaneous bouts of fun, if you think for one second, golf is the answer, you have likely gone completely out of your mind.

Why?

I'll give you one reason right now. There are too many to list in my lifetime.

Trying to strike a ping-pong size ball around a thousand acres of beautifully landscaped scenery, by itself, is indicative of psychopathology. No adult in his right mind should or would or could care about hitting a little white ping-pong size ball all over freshly manicured, cut grass, as a way to have some relaxing and enjoyable exercise. It doesn't make sense.

No one simply tries striking the little sucker, either. Trust me. We swat at it with visions of grand slam glory. We try to deflate it. We hope to kill it, to smash it into a fine powder. We spend thousands on tools to perfect our murderous rampages, too. Most of the time it bounces 5 feet to our right, golf clubs launched hundreds of yards away.

Meanwhile, did that tiny little ball ever do something to you? I don't think so. It is just sitting there, not bothering anybody, when out of the blue, grown men and women, sporting the latest fashions, sneak up behind it, stare it down and then try to blast it into tomorrow.

The only people who never try to kill it are on t.v. making millions for gently taking a light polite stroke at it, which lifts it soaring into the sky, like an agile bird, which gently lands on soft carpeting. That I get.

ginniebean
04-23-17, 09:10 PM
I'm with ya, seems really boring.

Letching Gray
04-23-17, 10:13 PM
Well, it may be boring ginniebean, but it has its way of capturing one's imagination and devotion and time and money and more time and commitments and jobs and savings plans, 401ks, parenting, eating, and everything else in one's life.

Not only that, but it distorts reality. Somewhere within microscopic synapses I imagine, thoughts begin to churn and massive galleries appear on the periphery with thunderous applause. I stroll ever so confidently up to the eighteenth green at Augusta. Speaking of green, I catch Tiger eyeballing my Green Jacket for size and wrinkles as he chooses which adjectives he'll use during his congratulatory announcement, slipping it over my shoulders with tact and grace.

Just then, over the PA system, a gravely penetrating, booming voice introduces me to the crazed crowd. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here comes our all time low-scorer in tournament history, our leader, the oldest "about to be champion" of the Master's tournament, "Le..... .... ." Again, I hear my name echoing around the streams and ponds and small mountains, "Le..... ....." is about to break...."

I shake my head, focus on my breath and realize I'm at Sand Trap Fondoo (the only course where they let me play). I'm on the first tee and the club pro is shouting through his supercharged bullhorn for everyone to take cover. "All patrons, Get the hell out of the way. This idiot knocked the ball 3 fairways over and killed 2 blue-jays yesterday. Take cover, NOW!"

Letching Gray
04-24-17, 08:58 AM
I mean no offense to golf enthusiasts. Not one bit, other than I think you are completely out of your minds!

Did you ever play a round and feel really good about your performance. Be honest. Of course not. No one feels good after golfing. It is not designed that way. It is designed to create frustration, to torment mankind forcing us into renewed commitments to improve your game! Oh yes. You know what I mean.

Not too many ball strikers here, I see. Good for you. Who says ADHDers don't have special skills?

Letching Gray
04-25-17, 05:38 PM
It is a diabolical jaunt into madness, golf that is. It is seductive, sly, slick, powerful, subtle. It grabs you by the neck and demands your wallet, your credit cards, everything, only occasionally allowing a shot to travel in the right direction. I've been taken to court three times for attempted murder, twice for assault and battery and twice for assault with a deadly weapon, just because I have a slice. (I've never killed anyone more than 4 fairways over-that I know of.)

If the judge wasn't a co-hacker, I could be in prison!

So, don't even have a thought about this menace. Don't say to yourself, "Oh, I'll try it just once. It can't hurt." It can and it will. I still owe $36,000 for the "excessive" divots I created on 2 courses. Bologna! It was soggy out, that's all. .

Letching Gray
04-26-17, 10:56 PM
It is a diabolical jaunt into madness, golf that is. It is seductive, sly, slick, powerful, subtle. It grabs you by the neck and demands your wallet, your credit cards, everything, only occasionally allowing a shot to travel in the right direction. I've been taken to court three times for attempted murder, twice for assault and battery and twice for assault with a deadly weapon, just because I have a slice. (I've never killed anyone more than 4 fairways over-that I know of.)

If the judge wasn't a co-hacker, I could be in prison!

So, don't even have a thought about this menace. Don't say to yourself, "Oh, I'll try it just once. It can't hurt." It can and it will. I still owe $36,000 for the "excessive" divots I created on 2 courses. Bologna! It was soggy out, that's all. .


It is uncanny, evil, vile, mysterious and uncalled for. Whoever invented this form of torture, whoever this sadist actually was, makes no difference. It should be banned in all countries, democratic or dictatorial. Not one person on earth deserves to be abused and tortured like this vile asp. No one.

I have managed a score of just a little over 100. Once. That's the best I ever did. It was on the first 2 holes at a 9 hole par 3 course.

Little Missy
04-27-17, 08:21 AM
I like it when the guys wear blousy knickers, argyle knee socks and shoes with the flaps on top. Its all about the style.

stef
04-27-17, 08:29 AM
I've tried golf on family vacations (my dad used to golf once a week actually and it seems it frustrated him beyond belief) and I really liked being Outside; and how the green felt when walking on it, but the whole thing just seemed incredibly futile and I'm relieved I was never tempted by this sport, in the first place.

Little Missy
04-27-17, 09:16 AM
I've tried golf on family vacations (my dad used to golf once a week actually and it seems it frustrated him beyond belief) and I really liked being Outside; and how the green felt when walking on it, but the whole thing just seemed incredibly futile and I'm relieved I was never tempted by this sport, in the first place.

My mum used to send me cute little golfing outfits, I think she liked the idea of wearing a cute golfing outfit because neither of my parents golfed. :scratch:

Letching Gray
04-27-17, 10:28 AM
I've tried golf on family vacations (my dad used to golf once a week actually and it seems it frustrated him beyond belief) and I really liked being Outside; and how the green felt when walking on it, but the whole thing just seemed incredibly futile and I'm relieved I was never tempted by this sport, in the first place.

It's a deadly nightmare. Should be banned altogether or strictly monitored as a means of merciless torture, reserved for the most heinous criminals.

Letching Gray
04-27-17, 05:09 PM
There's absolutely no justification for such a "game" to be made available to the general public. More addictive than any other known activity or chemical, always leading to the crushing of dreams, sanity, joy of any kind. I spent 3 days in a sand trap once. Pulled out exhausted, starving, clothes torn, mosquito bites all over, snake bites, drenched, begging for one more chance to hit that ball. Ordered to spend a month in the Texas nuthouse. FUN

Letching Gray
04-27-17, 09:04 PM
There's absolutely no justification for such a "game" to be made available to the general public. More addictive than any other known activity or chemical, always leading to the crushing of dreams, sanity, joy of any kind. I spent 3 days in a sand trap once. Pulled out exhausted, starving, clothes torn, mosquito bites all over, snake bites, drenched, begging for one more chance to hit that ball. Ordered to spend a month in the Texas nuthouse. FUN

Thus, the fate of any poor old sod who perhaps, for whatever delusions he may suffer, thinks he has what it takes to chase a little white ball all over creation, trying to smack it into a little hole, and pursue a reasonably well-adjusted lifestyle simultaneously.

Letching Gray
04-28-17, 01:13 PM
The very word "golf" is a dirty word. It conjures images of cruel mind games and terrific suffering.

Fuzzy12
04-28-17, 04:33 PM
I'm seriously confused. Are you actually a passionate golfer?? :scratch::lol:

Letching Gray
04-28-17, 06:58 PM
I'm seriously confused. Are you actually a passionate golfer?? :scratch::lol:

I'm being facetious. It is an impossibly difficult game. Pros, on t.v., make it appear like eating an apple, second nature. It is frustrating beyond words and most golfers are terrible, but we somehow convince ourselves we're not far from making the tour! (The Professional Golf Tournament--with the elite golfers in the world.) I used to golf.