View Full Version : help;ADD self medicating w/ methadone


Copenhagen
05-01-17, 04:34 PM
Hi, I'm new on here and hoping to maybe get some help/advice.

I strongly believe I have ADD, I have always had a hard time keeping focused, ever sense I was a kid I've had this problem. I was even in special Education through most of my schooling. now I'm 29yrs old. I've used opiates to cope with my anxiety in my teens then came across methadone. found out it last longer and also helps me focus.

Ive done tonz of research and ADD fits it perfectly.

I get extremely bad anxiety, when i talk to other people...convo starts out alright. then a noise or something out of the corner of my eye drags my head toward it, i look to check out whats going on, then look back.... i messed part of the conversation, my brain scrambles to make sense of the before and after convo. if that's not hard enough all along a new tangent of sub-thought starts, shame and hate toward my self it starts making it even harder to listen whats being spoken to me.

I use to think i just had anxiety, but about 2years ago i finally went to see the doctor about it. at the time i was clean and sober from everything for a little over a year just started a new job again, i over herd my coworkers making fun of me saying "he just doesn't pay attention". i took it as them calling me dumb, which then made my anxiety grow even more. that was on a Friday end of my first week. later that night thinking about the day and feeling completely embarrassed i made a impulsive decision. i said "F*** it." grabbed my phone called my boss, he didn't answer i then left him a voice mail telling him i quit.

i set up a Dr. appointment for Monday about my anxiety. after talking for a bit Dr tells me i think you have ADD that causes your anxiety. Me not really knowing what ADD is at the time other than my completely wrong stigma i attached to it(if you have ADD your just a dumb person). I then take it as him calling me dumb in technical terms, and thinking "Ok GREAT dr just thinks im dumb and my anxiety is made up or not 'real anxiety." i then immediately say back "no i REALLY have anxiety." dr. proscribed anxiety meds.


the sunday before my appointment i got a call back from the boss i had just quit on friday, we talk for an hour and a half he convinces me to comeback. After a few days on buspirone i notice its just way harder to think which adds to my anxiety. i decide to look up what ADD really is. WOW, It all makes sense now. next time i saw the dr i told her i think your right about ADD causing my anxiety, he shoots that down saying i kinda dont think you have that anymore. im like ok.. so whats my next step. after a few months and several different anxiety and depression meds. i get to the point were im starting to think nothings gunna work, i feel like im just a gunny pig to my dr, my boss is getting annoyed with all the requested time off for dr appointments, co-workers are like you might just wanna start lookin for anther job.

extremely long story short. i stopped seeing the dr, to keep my job, quit taking the prescriptions, went back to abusing Methadone and opiates. with in the last 2 years i became a crew boss. with all the responsibilities it left me so mentally drained all the time i started getting really depressed, after a few really long days i just had enough, i quit my job right there.

my question is i have a doctor appointment tomorrow, should i re-schedule if i have methadone in my system. i didn't tell him last time about my full drug history in fear he would think i was just drug seeking. the only drugs i have ever done are pot, alcohol and opiates. :confused:

sarahsweets
05-03-17, 09:49 AM
Hi, I'm new on here and hoping to maybe get some help/advice.

I strongly believe I have ADD, I have always had a hard time keeping focused, ever sense I was a kid I've had this problem. I was even in special Education through most of my schooling. now I'm 29yrs old. I've used opiates to cope with my anxiety in my teens then came across methadone. found out it last longer and also helps me focus.

Ive done tonz of research and ADD fits it perfectly.

I get extremely bad anxiety, when i talk to other people...convo starts out alright. then a noise or something out of the corner of my eye drags my head toward it, i look to check out whats going on, then look back.... i messed part of the conversation, my brain scrambles to make sense of the before and after convo. if that's not hard enough all along a new tangent of sub-thought starts, shame and hate toward my self it starts making it even harder to listen whats being spoken to me.

I use to think i just had anxiety, but about 2years ago i finally went to see the doctor about it. at the time i was clean and sober from everything for a little over a year just started a new job again, i over herd my coworkers making fun of me saying "he just doesn't pay attention". i took it as them calling me dumb, which then made my anxiety grow even more. that was on a Friday end of my first week. later that night thinking about the day and feeling completely embarrassed i made a impulsive decision. i said "F*** it." grabbed my phone called my boss, he didn't answer i then left him a voice mail telling him i quit.

i set up a Dr. appointment for Monday about my anxiety. after talking for a bit Dr tells me i think you have ADD that causes your anxiety. Me not really knowing what ADD is at the time other than my completely wrong stigma i attached to it(if you have ADD your just a dumb person). I then take it as him calling me dumb in technical terms, and thinking "Ok GREAT dr just thinks im dumb and my anxiety is made up or not 'real anxiety." i then immediately say back "no i REALLY have anxiety." dr. proscribed anxiety meds.


the sunday before my appointment i got a call back from the boss i had just quit on friday, we talk for an hour and a half he convinces me to comeback. After a few days on buspirone i notice its just way harder to think which adds to my anxiety. i decide to look up what ADD really is. WOW, It all makes sense now. next time i saw the dr i told her i think your right about ADD causing my anxiety, he shoots that down saying i kinda dont think you have that anymore. im like ok.. so whats my next step. after a few months and several different anxiety and depression meds. i get to the point were im starting to think nothings gunna work, i feel like im just a gunny pig to my dr, my boss is getting annoyed with all the requested time off for dr appointments, co-workers are like you might just wanna start lookin for anther job.

extremely long story short. i stopped seeing the dr, to keep my job, quit taking the prescriptions, went back to abusing Methadone and opiates. with in the last 2 years i became a crew boss. with all the responsibilities it left me so mentally drained all the time i started getting really depressed, after a few really long days i just had enough, i quit my job right there.

my question is i have a doctor appointment tomorrow, should i re-schedule if i have methadone in my system. i didn't tell him last time about my full drug history in fear he would think i was just drug seeking. the only drugs i have ever done are pot, alcohol and opiates. :confused:

You need to get clean before you do anything else, including dealing with your adhd. You are not just an abuser of opiates, you are addicted and your coping skills have been unhealthily built around escape and mood altering with substances. There is no pretty way to say this. I am an alcoholic in recovery so I feel at liberty to call it like I see it. Until you decide to deal with being a drug addict, you will never get the kind of treatment you need. You need to get those toxins out of your system, and truly get a clean head. You can say all you want that you are not an addict or that you are able to abuse or misuse and then stop them. Its not about how much you use, its about why you do so. Like me, you want to quell the anxiety and escape the pain. This is not a viable solution long term because you will get caught or build tolerance or god forbid overdose. Yes, you should be honest. What if the doctor prescribed you xanax? He doesnt know about the methadone so if you end up in the er or worse, it will be terrible for him. personally I would consider inpatient or outpatient treatment. You might think thats too much for you, or you dont need it but your history says otherwise. Once that is under control you can deal with whatever else is going on.

Copenhagen
05-05-17, 03:25 PM
First off, Thank you so much for replying Sarahsweets!

I did not go to the appointment I had scheduled. On my way there I had an anxiety attack had to pull over. By the time I composed my self it was way past time. I was planning on telling the doctor everything: drugs, extreme stress, and debilitating depression that I have been experiencing these last almost 3 months now and ask if I could get a referral to a psychiatrist to have there opinion. I have no delusions about being an addict(I know I am). I've abused opiates for a long time, there was a time when I got in trouble with the law. I had to go to jail for a month, at the time I was in collage. While in jail I got release to just to go to classes, never got time to do homework. A few times the guards were to busy to let me out. I was even in there during finals, thank god I even passed (low A's in all 3 classes:( ). When I got out I was on probation for 3 years. Being so nerviest about failing a ua and going back to jail I told the probation officer I was taking methadone( they don't even test for it. Great, I just shot my self In the foot). he then made me go get a drug evaluation. I had to do out patient treatment start out group three times a week. Before I got into treatment my probation officer saw me talking and walking into a store with my "partner n' crime"(that's what PO called it) next time I saw my probation officer I didn't get to say or explain anything he just handcuffed me and took me to jail and gave me a violation. I was in there for 5 day. I missed two of the required labs you have to do for chemistry. First day back to chemistry class teacher tells me, "I don't know why your here. While you were on your little vacation we had two labs, you cant make them up so you basically already failed my class for this semester"(she said that first thing in front of the whole class. She didn't even know why I couldn't make it to class). That was the last day I went to collage.

In the recovery I was clean through all of it. Good right, except for I never did anything; stopped seeing all my friends, Never pursued a job, didn't try going back to collage. After probation and recovery I was clean for a bit. Then I started really really really needing a job, I started drinking to deal with the stress. I got a job from a friend that started his own business. I didn't have to deal with many people or think to hard with this job and I was basically by my self working majority of the time. Sh**ty parts were I was working under the table and was barely making enough to pay bills.

My problem is when I'm clean I lack focus and the ability to communicate to others. Especially when I have to tell people how I feel and whats really going on in my life. I'm a guy and its painfully hard for me to show weakness to anyone...

I fear that this is going to turn out the same way as before. Not to mention Ill become a gunny pig again and have to go through the tortures of trial and error. The shame and judgments that they'll think "oh he's just an addict and drug seeking, His drug use is whats causing all of this."

[ When I was in k-12 school I remember being tested a few times growning up. I also remember them and my mom asking me if I wanted to try something that would help me in school. At the time being a kid and already feeling different cuz I was in special ed, I didn't want to validated the thought of being different and then having to take medication everyday. My question is 'is there any way I can look up or get proof that I was in special ed along with the IQ and the psychiatric test that they did at school? I think I might need them. ]

Also I understand I'm now making it sound like this is my cure all for me. And some people will think im building it up like when your dating a girl and you "kind of like her". Then lets say she breaks up with you then you like her even more, you might even say your in love with her. When the fact is your in love with the idea of her

And who even knows if anything will even work... I'm just so stressed out, it makes everything hard. Everything sounds like a bad Idea to me. Job wise, I'm tired of being a tool for someone else to make easy money off of, while I struggle day to day and only have a $30k vehicle to show for it. I cant help but be negative. I'm the type of person that everyone comes to for help. I fix everyone else's problems, but I have no one I can turn to for help. I know they don't even know this side of me... I appear that I've got it all together it can't be further from the truth, I fantasize about my own death daily now. I mean we all gotta die some time right, why not just hit that fast forward button and get to the end of the story..

They say theres two types of people. there's hammers and there's nails, I must be the rare third type.. the board. nails are driven in to me and occasionally the hammer smacks the **** outa me

I'm not sure how much of this incoherent rambling is going to make sense to anyone. Not to mention who is even gunna give a **** to read it and reply. sry

sarahsweets
05-06-17, 05:42 AM
First off, Thank you so much for replying Sarahsweets!

I did not go to the appointment I had scheduled. On my way there I had an anxiety attack had to pull over. By the time I composed my self it was way past time. I was planning on telling the doctor everything: drugs, extreme stress, and debilitating depression that I have been experiencing these last almost 3 months now and ask if I could get a referral to a psychiatrist to have there opinion. I have no delusions about being an addict(I know I am). I've abused opiates for a long time, there was a time when I got in trouble with the law. I had to go to jail for a month, at the time I was in collage.
Do you want to be an active addict or an addict in recovery?

Being so nerviest about failing a ua and going back to jail I told the probation officer I was taking methadone( they don't even test for it. Great, I just shot my self In the foot). he then made me go get a drug evaluation. I had to do out patient treatment start out group three times a week. Before I got into treatment my probation officer saw me talking and walking into a store with my "partner n' crime"(that's what PO called it) next time I saw my probation officer I didn't get to say or explain anything he just handcuffed me and took me to jail and gave me a violation. I was in there for 5 day. I missed two of the required labs you have to do for chemistry. First day back to chemistry class teacher tells me, "I don't know why your here. While you were on your little vacation we had two labs, you cant make them up so you basically already failed my class for this semester"(she said that first thing in front of the whole class. She didn't even know why I couldn't make it to class). That was the last day I went to collage.
Honesty was still a good thing. If they test for opiates, then methadone would show up. I sorry about college. You should consider going back.

In the recovery I was clean through all of it. Good right, except for I never did anything; stopped seeing all my friends, Never pursued a job, didn't try going back to collage. After probation and recovery I was clean for a bit. Then I started really really really needing a job, I started drinking to deal with the stress. I got a job from a friend that started his own business. I didn't have to deal with many people or think to hard with this job and I was basically by my self working majority of the time. Sh**ty parts were I was working under the table and was barely making enough to pay bills.

Being clean is different from being sober, what tools did you use for maintaining sobriety.? IME people that are clean but miserable do not have the proper coping skills to stay sober. They are just white knuckling it until they end up relapsing. If you never learned how to cope without drugs and alcohol then its easy to slip back into it. Many drugs addicts will think that drinking is ok cause they had a drug problem, but its so easy to choose drugs again once you drink.

My problem is when I'm clean I lack focus and the ability to communicate to others. Especially when I have to tell people how I feel and whats really going on in my life. I'm a guy and its painfully hard for me to show weakness to anyone...

I get this but you have to learn a way to work within your own life.

I fear that this is going to turn out the same way as before. Not to mention Ill become a gunny pig again and have to go through the tortures of trial and error. The shame and judgments that they'll think "oh he's just an addict and drug seeking, His drug use is whats causing all of this."

You will have to deal with trial and error but thats because you have so many issues to deal with its hard to get them all straight.

When I was in k-12 school I remember being tested a few times growning up. I also remember them and my mom asking me if I wanted to try something that would help me in school. At the time being a kid and already feeling different cuz I was in special ed, I didn't want to validated the thought of being different and then having to take medication everyday. My question is 'is there any way I can look up or get proof that I was in special ed along with the IQ and the psychiatric test that they did at school? I think I might need them.
You can ask your parents if they have any records or report cards about any school evals.

Also I understand I'm now making it sound like this is my cure all for me. And some people will think im building it up like when your dating a girl and you "kind of like her". Then lets say she breaks up with you then you like her even more, you might even say your in love with her. When the fact is your in love with the idea of her

And who even knows if anything will even work... I'm just so stressed out, it makes everything hard. Everything sounds like a bad Idea to me. Job wise, I'm tired of being a tool for someone else to make easy money off of, while I struggle day to day and only have a $30k vehicle to show for it. I cant help but be negative. I'm the type of person that everyone comes to for help. I fix everyone else's problems, but I have no one I can turn to for help. I know they don't even know this side of me... I appear that I've got it all together it can't be further from the truth, I fantasize about my own death daily now. I mean we all gotta die some time right, why not just hit that fast forward button and get to the end of the story..

They say theres two types of people. there's hammers and there's nails, I must be the rare third type.. the board. nails are driven in to me and occasionally the hammer smacks the **** outa me

I'm not sure how much of this incoherent rambling is going to make sense to anyone. Not to mention who is even gunna give a **** to read it and reply. sry

I dont know if you are looking for a cure all but you have to learn how to cope sober before you worry about trying medicine again. Do you do the 12 step thing?