View Full Version : Non-ADDers, please help me understand


Sunflower009
05-13-17, 05:09 PM
Dear Non-ADDers, I am asking you for a little bit of help. I am an ADD wife, and my husband does not have ADD. We are having a huge crisis and I am having a lot of trouble understanding things from his side, so I would like to ask for some perspective, since I really want to save our marriage.

Basically, I have been frustrating him with all my typical ADHD behaviors like being late, being inconsistent, changing plans last minute, impulsively working on a big "side project" which he didn't approve of (starting a business which I was super excited about, but which he felt was too risky). Also he feels that I don't have the kids best interests at heart becuase I have trouble following through on some medical treatments, and also have trouble providing consistently healthy meals (I take short cuts a lot, or change the plan last minute)

It has gotten to the point where he is seriously depressed, and has anxiety, and part of it has been triggered by me. He says that he feels totally hopeless because of my behaviors and simply CANNOT take any more of it.

He can't take anything with humor anymore. If I even make a tiny mistake, like forgetting to brush a kid's hair before preschool, then he is mad at me. It's made me get super anxious, to the point where I have basically stopped functioning. I don't know how to improve myself. And he can't live with me if I don't improve. I need him to let go and allow me to be myself so that I can improve without all the pressure. But he can't because he is afraid of what will happen if he lets up.

Have any of you dealt with this before? What can i do as the ADD spouse to help re-assure my husband that I really do WANT to change? And how do I tell him that I need him to back off so that I can do it???? As long as he is breathing down my neck like this, I don't feel like I can do anything.

ToneTone
05-13-17, 08:03 PM
Before I offer you any opinions, I'll ask: So what does your psychiatrist say? .... Are you in counseling? ... What does your counselor say?

Tone

aeon
05-13-17, 08:51 PM
Part of Love is Acceptance, and without it, Love ceases to be.

What can be said of a marriage where one does not Love their spouse?


Well-Wishes,
Ian

sarahsweets
05-18-17, 02:27 AM
Dear Non-ADDers, I am asking you for a little bit of help. I am an ADD wife, and my husband does not have ADD. We are having a huge crisis and I am having a lot of trouble understanding things from his side, so I would like to ask for some perspective, since I really want to save our marriage.
So its up to you to save your marriage?? Its ALL your fault that there is discord. Sounds out of balance to me.

Basically, I have been frustrating him with all my typical ADHD behaviors like being late, being inconsistent, changing plans last minute, impulsively working on a big "side project" which he didn't approve of (starting a business which I was super excited about, but which he felt was too risky). Also he feels that I don't have the kids best interests at heart becuase I have trouble following through on some medical treatments, and also have trouble providing consistently healthy meals (I take short cuts a lot, or change the plan last minute)
Do the kids eat everyday? Who cares if dinner plans change- you are not bound by what you are supposed to make for dinner.


It has gotten to the point where he is seriously depressed, and has anxiety, and part of it has been triggered by me. He says that he feels totally hopeless because of my behaviors and simply CANNOT take any more of it.

YOU are not responsible for his depression or mood. Trust me, you are just not that powerful. HE is responsible for how he feels and reacts to things. His hopelessness and the fact that he says he cant take anymore of it is HIS side of the street. I always tell people that when they dont like a situation, they should try changing themselves-the way they choose to view situations and react to them. You cant control how he feels and he cant control how you feel.
He is responsible for his own feelings.

He can't take anything with humor anymore. If I even make a tiny mistake, like forgetting to brush a kid's hair before preschool, then he is mad at me.
Read the above again. HAIR brushing makes him mad?? He needs to get a grip. The world is full of bad stuff and hair brushing isnt one of them.

It's made me get super anxious, to the point where I have basically stopped functioning. I don't know how to improve myself. And he can't live with me if I don't improve. I need him to let go and allow me to be myself so that I can improve without all the pressure. But he can't because he is afraid of what will happen if he lets up.

So riding your as* is his solution? Hows it working out for him? By what you say, its not working and he is still miserable. He needs to change his expectations or change his approach. If he cant live with you if you dont change, let him go. Seriously, save yourself from the pain. If you had cancer or broke your leg, would he leave you?

Have any of you dealt with this before? What can i do as the ADD spouse to help re-assure my husband that I really do WANT to change? And how do I tell him that I need him to back off so that I can do it???? As long as he is breathing down my neck like this, I don't feel like I can do anything.
I have never dealt with this in my marriage because I would never tolerate it. I have tons of flaws and am a recovering alcoholic. My husband was desperate for me to stop drinking. No amount of guilt or fighting made me stop drinking. He simply changed the way he reacted to me, and I stopped one day almost 5 years ago. I wanted to change and stop drinking but I couldnt seem to do it. Mind you I have other things I do that helped me stop drinking but they did not involve him. They were my changes to make.
If anything, my husband would have had more of a point to demand change then your husband is, and I wouldnt have blamed him. But we adore each other and are partners so we had to change the way we both behaved in the relationship.

I am very angry for you and I hope you are able to see through my harsh words and understand the point.
He does not have the right to thrust on your back-the entire success or failure of the relationship. It is a two person deal. Needs are always being met and the trick would be to figure out what he gets out of belittling you and demanding change. Criticizing and making you feel like a failure or inferior are not working anyhow according to you and him so why does he do these things?
To me, the why is way more important than the how.