View Full Version : You and your spouse have ADHD - have you filed taxes from 2014 yet?


aur462
05-14-17, 11:54 PM
Sometimes our spouse can offset our weaknesses. Other times they can reinforce or exacerbate them. I can have a pretty disorganized desk space if I'm not careful and crap piles up more than the average person, but my wife can make me look anal retentive by comparison. Having said that, even though she is, what on the surface might be considered a "slob" (lovingly) when looking at her side of the bedroom, I am also bad at housekeeping and organization, paying bills, financial matters, etc. Lots of talk about finishing unpacking 6 months after moving in, but more lip service than action. Combined with our "comorbities", we make a good and dysfunctional match.

Anyone else have a spouse or partner with ADHD? Do you feel better understood? Do you wish they didn't have ADHD/other psychiatric or neurological maladies. For my part, I do wish my wife wasn't impulsive and her side of the bedroom, in particular, didn't look like excrement, miss doctor's appointments, but having disorder herself makes me more tolerable/vice versa, and there's more understanding and empathy when it comes to struggles.

sarahsweets
05-16-17, 03:19 AM
Anyone else have a spouse or partner with ADHD? Do you feel better understood? Do you wish they didn't have ADHD/other psychiatric or neurological maladies. For my part, I do wish my wife wasn't impulsive and her side of the bedroom, in particular, didn't look like excrement, miss doctor's appointments, but having disorder herself makes me more tolerable/vice versa, and there's more understanding and empathy when it comes to struggles.
Boy can I identify with your wife's side of the bedroom! My husband and I both have adhd and we have three adhd kids. My side of the room looks like a tornado but I am able to run the family schedule and he is not. I book appts. events, make plans-etc. I know when my daughter's lunch account is low. I know who has a dance coming up and who needs to go to the dermatologist. My husband has suffered with lower back pain for years and I am helping him get treatment for that.
He balances the checkbook, but I pay bills. He does the yard work and fixes stuff because otherwise we would live with broken stuff. The most important part of our marriage is being good parents. We back each other up and have always loved our kids with our whole beings, and dont believe in corporal punishment and belittling or shame. There is nothing sexier than a man who is a good father imo.

Pihlaja
05-17-17, 10:20 AM
Taxes are the easy part, I get a pre-completed form once a year and that's it :D

I have born organized family members and living under the same roof was frustrating for all of us. Born organized people will try to manage those they deem incapable or too inefficient to manage themselves. My husband has ADHD traits and has a diagnosis for attention issues. There are some problems but we get along well and are mostly happy with each other. People seem to think we are a weird couple but this works for us.

Being together with him has forced me to learn how to take care of the household (with varying success. I'm excellent at the theory part though :D ). At some point I realised there's nothing I can do to get him to actively participate in the household chores (I think this was before I had read anything about ADHD) and his "you can just tell me what to do and I'll do it" works well in theory but if I do tell him what to do his inner teenager emerges and refuses to do anything. Which he then doesn't admit. I'm not his mother. I won't spend my days trying to get an adult man to do his chores. So I let it go. Fighting about the household chores changes nothing and the fights just caused me stress and made me sad. There are some things that are his jobs and I refuse to touch those. I also don't remind him to do them. I'm working on decluttering as much as I can (most of the piles and extra stuff are mine) to make things easier for myself.

Why the household chores were a problem for so long: if the house is a mess and someone comes to visit who is judged for the messiness? Hint: it's not the man in the house. A messy house reflects differently on me than it does on him. I find it annoying that I'm expected to take care of things just because of my gender.

If I was with a more organized partner they would have probably taken over many things so I would never have learned to work on them myself. Then they would silently (or out loud) have resented me for it. And I would have resented them for trying to manage me. Now I even have a formula for how to get to an appointment on time! And I've started amending the formula so that it takes into account my husband's lack of time-awareness too when necessary. I've worked more on recognising our behaviour patterns than he has (partly because I'm very interested in human behaviour and like to observe things). I can only change my own behaviour so that's what I work on. Perhaps he has some systems to work around my problem areas.

To be fair I need to say that my traits bother my husband too on a regular basis. I zoom out in the middle of a conversation for example. Sometimes it takes him a while to notice I'm not listening to anything he's saying even though I'm making appropriate hmm, uh-huh sounds. I don't notice when I do this and it really bothers him.

I've noticed that stress makes us more intolerant of each other's ADD traits. Something that's just funny and endearing on a good day becomes the most annoying thing in the world when stress is in the picture.Tallenna

aur462
05-17-17, 07:12 PM
Thanks for posting your thoughts, guys. Maybe you could say it's a case of 1 + 1 = 1/2 (the organizing skills and time management, etc..) of the "average" person :)

The hardest part is getting a "system of management" started, for me. Once that's done, upkeep isn't too bad.

For what it's worth, Pihlaja, I wouldn't judge a wife more than her husband for a messy house, though I'm unfamiliar with Finnish culture.

Sarasweets, my wife claims irritability is a symptom of her hypomania (re: BP2). Is she telling the truth? ;)

sarahsweets
05-18-17, 02:30 AM
Sarasweets, my wife claims irritability is a symptom of her hypomania (re: BP2). Is she telling the truth? ;)

OMG yes its very true, and hypomania seems like it should be typical like those checklists you read but its very complex IME. Its different then your typical mania, and different than the typical depression. I find that for me it involves some mood swings, or rapid cycling. Meds have made a huge difference for me. Is your wife on meds?

Pihlaja
05-18-17, 05:43 AM
For what it's worth, Pihlaja, I wouldn't judge a wife more than her husband for a messy house, though I'm unfamiliar with Finnish culture.

Finland does well on gender equality indexes but that does not mean we have managed to actually achieve gender equality. Gender norms persist. If a house is messy, it's the woman who gets the snide comments behind her back, not the man. If the children are in dirty clothes it's the woman who is thought to be a bad mom. I would speculate this is not unique to Finland. Getting away from gender norms takes work that many are not willing to do. Some don't even think it's necessary to get away from them.

In here many still think that it's the woman who runs the household - kids, everyone's schedules, cooking, cleaning, baking, gardening, laundry, whatever + full-time work and probably taking care of elderly relatives too (some speculate it's partly a leftover from the war since women took care of everything when men were away fighting). Especially the older generations are rather stuck on this idea. My mom has told me on few occasions that I'm not feeding my man properly and elderly relatives think I'm better at things like choosing groceries or hanging curtains exactly like they should be hung just because I'm female :rolleyes: Even buying the wrong thing because of inattention does not convince them that my husband might be the better choice for some tasks. Changing lightbulbs, that's one task that's for him and not for me :lol:

Gendered expectations are bad for men too; for example single dads can get comments from teachers and health care professionals that they want to talk to the mom about an issue even though it's the dad that's taking care of the kids every day.

About the original topic: reinforcing or exacerbating weaknesses. This can be a problem. Getting into a downward spiral on your own is bad enough but if two people are doing it at the same time it's even more difficult to start climbing up again.Tallenna

aur462
05-21-17, 03:38 PM
OMG yes its very true, and hypomania seems like it should be typical like those checklists you read but its very complex IME. Its different then your typical mania, and different than the typical depression. I find that for me it involves some mood swings, or rapid cycling. Meds have made a huge difference for me. Is your wife on meds?

Yes. "The Mrs." is on a cornucopia of pharmaceuticals (she gets birthday cards and lollipops from Pfizer and Merck). Her psychotropic variety include lamictal 225mg, cymbalta and another which I believe is an anti-epileptic - forget the name, 70mg Vyvanse and 45mg Adderall on work days (she's a RN)..Re: lamictal: she takes birth control so some doubt is cast on whether this should be increased (up to 4xx); her last pdoc said an increase wasn't necessary, but she and I aren't so sure. There are other nonpsychotropics. I'm not certain I didn't leave any out, but those are the most noteworthy I believe.

It was only in the last year and a half she was diagnosed with BP2. It seems overall she's had less depression and cycling, but in the last 6 months or more, I've started wondering if her meds are optimal.

If you don't mind: what is your med protocol, and are you satisfied with it? .



Gendered expectations are bad for men too; for example single dads can get comments from teachers and health care professionals that they want to talk to the mom about an issue even though it's the dad that's taking care of the kids every day.

About the original topic: reinforcing or exacerbating weaknesses. This can be a problem. Getting into a downward spiral on your own is bad enough but if two people are doing it at the same time it's even more difficult to start climbing up again.
Tallenna


The culture sounds similar to the US; perhaps the US is slightly more evolved within gender equality.

Downward spiral - your ideas here are sage. When one of you is down, it's nice if the other is up. Unfortunately, with my wife, we seem to be almost constantly on some degree of downward spiral, but we're both working hard and smart (I hope) on our problems!

aur462
05-21-17, 07:55 PM
Addressing the title of the thread: while we didn't neglect 2014's tax return, we did manage to not only fail to file 2016 in time, but also forgot to file a request for extension. Even with digital reminders for about 3 days leading up to the deadline - didn't happen. April 19 arrived and we "filed" a collective "DUH" and swept up our remaining self respect off the floor. The fail is very rich :o