View Full Version : ADHD bf- anger,hostility HELP


NEGal317
05-15-17, 02:28 PM
Here goes:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He has had ADHD since childhood and has tried therapy and medications in the past. after months of requests he went back on to Adderall (in his defense he did tell me what side effects he had previously). I had become completely agitated with his lack of focus and my inability to follow any train of thought when talking with him.
But now having been on it for almost a year now his mood and anger have gone on a roller coaster.
He's very disrespectful to me calling me names and getting in my face to tell me to "SHUT THE F* UP" and then immediately feels remorse but i feel the sting for a long time. I don't feel like he is the same person I fell in love with and he won't get the help that he needs and feels that I don't listen to his problems. I know a tweek of meds or something his doctor could recommend would help but he is stubborn.

So my question to you all: what is an effective way to communicate with someone on ADHD medication who feels they have not changed but I see a huge change in behavior?

THANK YOU ALL!!!

ToneTone
05-15-17, 04:51 PM
Hmmm ... doesn't sound like he talks on tippy-toes about what he doesn't like about you ... and you're asking how you can best reach him ... seems like an imbalance there.

Well, understand for one, there is no guarantee you can reach him. You can try every technique and speak in the perfect, neutral voice ... and he still might be defensive.

One technique people use in your situation is to summarize what you understand the other person is thinking and feeling ... summarize neutrally ... acknowledge their full feelings and reality .... no sarcasm ... Sounds like you feel that the medication isn't helping you. Seems like you feel frustrated and don't want to return to the doctor for an adjustment because you're tired of going to doctors .... That kinda voice ... The hope is that he will feel heard and understood and thus become less defensive. (Doesn't always work.)

Then express your concern that you notice some improvement and you're worried about him ...

But you know: be careful about taking it upon yourself to communicate with people who are extremely defensive. Especially when you are communicating about an issue that can ultimately help them. Otherwise you are in a situation where you are working hard to find the absolutely right and precise and perfectly calibrated language to deliver a message that is designed to help the other person. That gets exhausting really fast.

You can suggest some readings ... give him love and hugs ... but ultimately if he doesn't want to seek treatment, there is nothing you can do ... and you'll want to evaluate whether or not you can stay in the relationship.

Good luck.

Tone

sarahsweets
05-15-17, 04:56 PM
Here goes:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He has had ADHD since childhood and has tried therapy and medications in the past. after months of requests he went back on to Adderall (in his defense he did tell me what side effects he had previously). I had become completely agitated with his lack of focus and my inability to follow any train of thought when talking with him.
But now having been on it for almost a year now his mood and anger have gone on a roller coaster.
How sudden and often is he moody? Did it all of a sudden become an issue?

He's very disrespectful to me calling me names and getting in my face to tell me to "SHUT THE F* UP" and then immediately feels remorse but i feel the sting for a long time.
I feel like this isnt a medication only issues. I feel like he is acting like a jerk.

I don't feel like he is the same person I fell in love with and he won't get the help that he needs and feels that I don't listen to his problems. I know a tweek of meds or something his doctor could recommend would help but he is stubborn.

So my question to you all: what is an effective way to communicate with someone on ADHD medication who feels they have not changed but I see a huge change in behavior?

THANK YOU ALL!!!
Maybe he hasnt changed or maybe he thinks you have changed. The fact that you couldnt deal with him before leads me to believe that you know very little about adhd and how it affects a relationship. You cant change him, only yourself.

Lunacie
05-15-17, 08:08 PM
Is Adderall the only med he's tried?

In a general sense it seems that those who become "zombified" on Ritalin do
better on Adderall. And those who becomes "ragers" on Adderall do batter on
Ritalin.

There is also Vyvanse, Concerta, Wellbutrin and Strattera that are given for
ADHD treatment.

Johnny Slick
05-15-17, 11:59 PM
Yeah, the anger thing in particular is a tough one because on the one hand we ADHD folks do tend to have short tempers and quick mood swings (it's among the cluster of symptoms) but they do tend to go away as soon as they come and on top of that I think that adults need to figure out how to control that better.

He's off and on meds, which, sure, fine, some interact poorly with some people. Is he seeing a therapist too? I would really really recommend that, *especially* if the meds aren't working well for him. He needs to discuss anger management strategies with a professional pronto in my opinion. Yes, the anger passes quickly, but the prisons are full of people who did something dumb that they didn't really mean when they were angry.

TLCisaQT
06-01-17, 12:19 PM
This is a hard one. Is there a time you notice during the day when you two may have better communication between the two of you and you can express your appreciation that he was willing to go on meds and then say that you have been doing some reading to try and understand ADHD better and it was mentioned that not all stimulants affect people the same and share what others did about adderall can affect others with rage /moody side effects and they may do better with the Ritalin-focLin class of meds etc. you can empathize that you can imagine it must be hard for him to experience those feelings a lot and Had he heard that before etc.

dvdnvwls
06-02-17, 01:15 AM
Were the months of requests to restart medication coming from just you, or from others too?

The following statement has an unfortunate snarky edge to it, but it does express a particular bit of truth:

"Just because there's been no result, doesn't mean you're not nagging."

The fact that we react negatively is bad for us and destructive to our relationships, but many with ADHD have a serious allergy to nagging, even if it's done kindly and even if it seems obvious that it's necessary. Even if I occasionally seem to respond positively, resentment inevitably builds.

It's often better to let me "crash and burn" than to sacrifice the relationship in order to get something done by nagging.