View Full Version : ...My mom has passed away.


psychopathetic
05-16-17, 07:21 PM
I don't know why I'm typing this. I just don't want anything tonight. I don't want to think or to analyze or to ask questions.
I don't want to feel this. I keep feeling it bubble up in me. This eruption inside. I don't want to cry.

I just wish I had someone to talk to. I don't have a therapist I'm comfortable with anymore, I have my weekly support group but that's a week away...I feel awfully lonely right now and in desperate need to have someone close at hand.
And yet I don't even want to talk.

My mom has passed away and nothing makes sense to me right now and everything feels so fake and distant and I really just want to break something, but I don't want to do anything at all. I just want time to stand still. I don't even want to sleep.

It doesn't makes sense and I feel very strange. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

I love you guys. I'm sorry. I'm in a very werid place rightnow. My mom hs passed and nothing is ever going to make sense again.
This couldn't have happened. Not my mom. My mom? I can't do this right now. I'm sorry.
I'm weird. I'm so ******* weird. :(
my mom though guys . i can't

Greyhound1
05-16-17, 07:38 PM
Psycho,

There are no words to say, only these bro hugs.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. May peace be with you and your family.

psychopathetic
05-16-17, 07:40 PM
(((((((Houndsy)))))))

Greyhound1
05-16-17, 07:43 PM
I sent you a PM if you need to talk or someone just to listen. My heart goes out to you and your family.

peripatetic
05-16-17, 07:46 PM
ohmygod...i'm so sorry...

please, if i can be of any use...reach out. i think you have my email, too.

deepest condolences.xx

Unmanagable
05-16-17, 08:50 PM
Oh psych, I'm so sorry. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Reach out anytime you want or need to, please. Holding you and your dad close in my heart.

ginniebean
05-16-17, 09:35 PM
Pycho, I lost my dad a few years ago and it's so devastating. i'm so sorry you have my deepest condolences. it takes a long time to grieve the death of a parent. Even now a wave of grief can overwhelm me.

Fuzzy12
05-16-17, 09:37 PM
Psycho I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. If there's any thing I can do you know where to find me. You are so loved. Huge hug to you and your dad.

dvdnvwls
05-16-17, 10:41 PM
(((((((((((((psycho)))))))))))))

Simargl
05-16-17, 11:45 PM
I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your dad. (( :: psy :: ))

namazu
05-16-17, 11:46 PM
:grouphug:
Thinking of you.

psychopathetic
05-17-17, 03:09 AM
Gah, I can't go back to sleep. I just dreamt she was driving me around town and I just wanted to go do some simple things with her.

There's so many things I wanted to do with her yet.
We've been planning and saving up for a trip to the mall of america for years now...we were going to do right too. I was most excited to do the sea life aquarium with her, visiting the lego store with her where her and I were both going to build little lego mini figures and fill a cup full of legos each at the lego pick a brick wall...but I was most looking forward to doing the crayola experience with her. I can do it with my dad I guess...but it would've been pure magic with my mom. I'll have to push my dad to enjoy himself...where my mom would've needed no encouragement, she'd be geeking out and letting her inner child out right along side me and it was going to be amazing guys.

I'm not ready for my mom to be gone. I feel like she's still going to come home here soon. Tomorrow. There's been some sort of mistake. It's some sort of stupid joke?

There's so many things I want to do with my mom. She's really my only true friend in the 3d world. I really was a mommy's boy.
Life seems so bleak without her :(.

sarahsweets
05-17-17, 03:15 AM
Psycho, My heart breaks for you.

Fuzzy12
05-17-17, 03:22 AM
Gah, I can't go back to sleep. I just dreamt she was driving me around town and I just wanted to go do some simple things with her.

There's so many things I wanted to do with her yet.
We've been planning and saving up for a trip to the mall of america for years now...we were going to do right too. I was most excited to do the sea life aquarium with her, visiting the lego store with her where her and I were both going to build little lego mini figures and fill a cup full of legos each at the lego pick a brick wall...but I was most looking forward to doing the crayola experience with her. I can do it with my dad I guess...but it would've been pure magic with my mom. I'll have to push my dad to enjoy himself...where my mom would've needed no encouragement, she'd be geeking out and letting her inner child out right along side me and it was going to be amazing guys.

I'm not ready for my mom to be gone. I feel like she's still going to come home here soon. Tomorrow. There's been some sort of mistake. It's some sort of stupid joke?

There's so many things I want to do with my mom. She's really my only true friend in the 3d world. I really was a mommy's boy.
Life seems so bleak without her :(.

I always loved reading descriptions of the things you guys used to do. Going up the mountains, playing star wars games. This must be a huge shock psycho. Take good care of yourself. A million more hugs. :grouphug:

Lunacie
05-17-17, 01:42 PM
OMG. So sudden. So sad. So sorry my friend. :grouphug:

I dreamed very vividly of my mom as well the night after she died from cancer.

acdc01
05-17-17, 02:41 PM
I'm so sorry Psycho. My best wishes to both you and your dad.

midnightstar
05-17-17, 02:48 PM
Oh no psycho, my heart goes out to you :grouphug:

PM coming your way :grouphug:

Hermus
05-17-17, 02:58 PM
Psycho, I can only try to imagine the pain and disbelief you are going through at the moment. So sorry for your terrible loss. I wish there was anything more I could say to support you in your suffering. So glad you came here to share. :grouphug:

aeon
05-17-17, 04:05 PM
psycho:

My heart to you and to your father, and all whom she loved and all who loved her.


BlessÚd Be Her Name,
Ian

psychopathetic
05-17-17, 06:09 PM
I keep waiting for her to call me today to tell me she's back and feeling a lot better. We're going to go run to the store like we often do to pick up some meds and grab something for diner.
Later this weekend we'll go to a town 30 minutes away to do some grocery shopping at our closest walmart supercenter. We always run through the toy isle and look for any new/cool star wars toys. lol she often splurges, though so do I. I've been keeping my eyes open for an r2d2 figure I keep hoping they'll have in stock.
I know I shouldn't brag about this...but her and I collect these little blind bags with really cute plastic animals in them. They're called animal jams and they come in a super cute plastic container that looks like a wood cabin, then inside the cabin is a bag with the plastic animal...there's 96 of them to collect in the first set with different kinds of rarities.
Me and my mom still have 6 each at her home to open :(.

I've been collecting these little glass bottles for her that she wants to use for her crafts in the future. I was just cleaning one off for her today out of habit. I have more than 50 of them saved up for her and I couldn't wait for her to see how many I'd saved for her!

I've been saving change and cash here and there over the last couple of months. I've been waiting for her to get out of the hospital this week cause I was going to let her go through it all for me and count it. It would've been fun.

We were going to go to the mall of america this summer. We haven't been on a big vacation in many years. We have over $3,000 saved up for the trip we've been saving for years...most of it is from money the local casinos have given us to play.

This month is me and my dad's birthday month...the 2 biggest local casinos give us free money to use on their slot machines ($15 at one place and $20 at the other)...and they both give us $20 each to use at their restaurants. So we had $80 between the 2 of us to use on restaurants there this month. My mom's birthday is next month. It's always a fun couple of months for me, my dad...and my mom. We enjoy going out together and most the time we get along.

I just want her to come home and to feel better. I just want her to come home god damn it.

I'm so tired and I have zero go in me today.

She's my only real friend guys. I really have no one out side of her. Who will I ever get to share my star wars love with again? Who will give me the inner child outlet she provides me...she doesn't shun or make fun of me for having such a childish side to me...she embraces and encourages it. Who can I confide in? Turn to?
I wish I had more people in my life. It's very sudden to realize I've really got no one. I was such a mamma's boy.

I just want her to come home :(

I'm sorry for being so dramatic. Thank you guys for all the love and support and for reaching out to me with such warmth.
Thank you.
<3

DJ Bill
05-17-17, 06:10 PM
I'm very sorry to hear this.:( Those memories need to be written down some day. It is great to be able to reflect on the good times.
I can only imagine how you feel. Ouch!:grouphug:

Take care of yourself!

Fuzzy12
05-17-17, 06:46 PM
I keep waiting for her to call me today to tell me she's back and feeling a lot better. We're going to go run to the store like we often do to pick up some meds and grab something for diner.
Later this weekend we'll go to a town 30 minutes away to do some grocery shopping at our closest walmart supercenter. We always run through the toy isle and look for any new/cool star wars toys. lol she often splurges, though so do I. I've been keeping my eyes open for an r2d2 figure I keep hoping they'll have in stock.
I know I shouldn't brag about this...but her and I collect these little blind bags with really cute plastic animals in them. They're called animal jams and they come in a super cute plastic container that looks like a wood cabin, then inside the cabin is a bag with the plastic animal...there's 96 of them to collect in the first set with different kinds of rarities.
Me and my mom still have 6 each at her home to open :(.

I've been collecting these little glass bottles for her that she wants to use for her crafts in the future. I was just cleaning one off for her today out of habit. I have more than 50 of them saved up for her and I couldn't wait for her to see how many I'd saved for her!

I've been saving change and cash here and there over the last couple of months. I've been waiting for her to get out of the hospital this week cause I was going to let her go through it all for me and count it. It would've been fun.

We were going to go to the mall of america this summer. We haven't been on a big vacation in many years. We have over $3,000 saved up for the trip we've been saving for years...most of it is from money the local casinos have given us to play.

This month is me and my dad's birthday month...the 2 biggest local casinos give us free money to use on their slot machines ($15 at one place and $20 at the other)...and they both give us $20 each to use at their restaurants. So we had $80 between the 2 of us to use on restaurants there this month. My mom's birthday is next month. It's always a fun couple of months for me, my dad...and my mom. We enjoy going out together and most the time we get along.

I just want her to come home and to feel better. I just want her to come home god damn it.

I'm so tired and I have zero go in me today.

She's my only real friend guys. I really have no one out side of her. Who will I ever get to share my star wars love with again? Who will give me the inner child outlet she provides me...she doesn't shun or make fun of me for having such a childish side to me...she embraces and encourages it. Who can I confide in? Turn to?
I wish I had more people in my life. It's very sudden to realize I've really got no one. I was such a mamma's boy.

I just want her to come home :(

I'm sorry for being so dramatic. Thank you guys for all the love and support and for reaching out to me with such warmth.
Thank you.
<3

She sounds wonderful!! You lost your best friend. Be good to yourself :grouphug:

Pilgrim
05-17-17, 09:15 PM
:grouphug::grouphug:Peace be with you.:grouphug::grouphug:

psychopathetic
05-18-17, 07:46 AM
:( i miss my mom

Fuzzy12
05-18-17, 08:15 AM
:( i miss my mom

:(
:grouphug::grouphug:

psychopathetic
05-18-17, 09:06 AM
lol I feel like she's just down the road yet.

She was probably up late like usual last night...so she wont be up till after noon. I'll call her at 1 or 2, see how she's doing...ask her about my dad...ask her what the plans are.
She'll tell me she's working on some paperwork or billing for my dad, and that she needs to set up some appointments, but that she doesn't really have any plans for the day.

I'll eventually make my way over to her house where I often go to just hang out and to get out of my apartment. Also...free food! lol :lol:

I'll get myself a big glass of ice water (she has these big cups that hold an entire tray of ice cubes...they give me an entire day's worth of cold water) and while I'm up, she'll ask me to get her some water from the fridge.

She's always got 2 or 3 episodes of wheel of fortune saved up for us to watch. We're not very good at it (though she always thought we were)...but we sure did love watching it with each other.

She seems to be happy today. In a real good mood. Her procedure went well, my dad's mood has been good and he's recovering really well...and things are just looking up.
I've been waiting for a good time to mention to her some more of my own medical concerns...concerning my liver...and so I choose now to do so.
I often feel bad for my mom. I often come to her with my bad news. I do so cause I know I can trust her. I know she wont tell anyone else, and I know that even if she does get upset with me...she'll still have some sort of understanding in the ways she does and wont forever be mad. So when I do bad things, make bad decisions, or when bad things come up in my life...I often tell my mom. I feel selfish for it, because I do it because it absolutely feels good to open up to someone and to be honest with them and to "come clean" sort of speak.
I feel bad, because she has enough stress on her plate. It's like I'm often a barer of bad news for her, and it's not fair for me to expect to to always carry my bad news for me like this.
She doesn't really know what to say, but we both agree not to worry about it for now. My doc appointment isn't for another month and we'll worry about things once I've seen him.

:(

It's so boring. so mundane. But it's me and my mom's mundane. It's just what we do. And on the days we're getting along...I enjoy being there. It's good to get out, and our boring days together keep me going.
lol I really need to invest in a life. Friends.
I wish I had the same with my dad. But I'm always on edge around him. His moods can switch so quickly. I can't trust him with any thing I'm sensitive about, I can't confide in him anything I want kept secret. I absolutely love him to death...but he can never do what my mom does for me. His word means nothing. I've so little trust.

I feel like driving over this morning and waking her up. Making her get up. I don't want to do anything exciting or anything with her today. I just want to sit out with her all day watching tv and visiting as we do.

It's okay that it's boring. It's OUR boring...and we like OUR boring. It's something that keeps us bonded.

I'm going to miss my boring days just sitting around with my mom. How I long for it now :(

psychopathetic
05-18-17, 09:18 AM
And family members are already coming in from all over the country.

My grandma on my dad's side...his sister that no one can stand (she's the most drama filled person I've ever met. She's CONSTANTLY starting fights with everyone and causing chaos everywhere she goes.)...my sister, cousins, aunts, uncles.

It annoys me as I'm flat broke this month...but it means I'll be firmly locking myself into my apartment till everyone leaves. I wont be able to head to my dad's house to eat for the next couple of weeks and it's just going to be real rough.

The last thing I want right now is to talk to anyone. To see anyone. I've been avoiding all my family for years.

And I do have a bit of money stored away. I'll be sad to dip into it though as I've been so very good at saving it and not spending it (something insanely difficult for me)...it was extra money I was putting away for our trip to the mall of america.

I wonder if me and my dad will still go on the vacation this summer :*(. I hope we don't have to spend that money we've been saving for it for the past 3+ years. That would crush me. It'd crush my mom. She was so proud!
But...it's just not going to be the same with my dad. He gets so grumpy. He's NO fun to shop with...even on his good days. My mom is fun.

:(
Man, I was so freaking looking forward to the mall with my mom. It was going to be so magical. So full of memories. We had so many fun plans.
Dang it.

I don't want to deal with people. I wish I had more groceries. I wish everyone would just go away and leave me and my dad alone.
I wonder how he's going to deal with people. I can hide in my apartment. He's not so lucky :(

Lunacie
05-18-17, 11:29 AM
Psycho-oh,

I know you don't feel very lucky right now, but you really are lucky to have
such wonderful memories of the time you spent with your mom. And she was
lucky to have a son who shared her interests and sense of fun. :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
05-18-17, 01:46 PM
lol I feel like she's just down the road yet.

She was probably up late like usual last night...so she wont be up till after noon. I'll call her at 1 or 2, see how she's doing...ask her about my dad...ask her what the plans are.
She'll tell me she's working on some paperwork or billing for my dad, and that she needs to set up some appointments, but that she doesn't really have any plans for the day.

I'll eventually make my way over to her house where I often go to just hang out and to get out of my apartment. Also...free food! lol :lol:

I'll get myself a big glass of ice water (she has these big cups that hold an entire tray of ice cubes...they give me an entire day's worth of cold water) and while I'm up, she'll ask me to get her some water from the fridge.

She's always got 2 or 3 episodes of wheel of fortune saved up for us to watch. We're not very good at it (though she always thought we were)...but we sure did love watching it with each other.

She seems to be happy today. In a real good mood. Her procedure went well, my dad's mood has been good and he's recovering really well...and things are just looking up.
I've been waiting for a good time to mention to her some more of my own medical concerns...concerning my liver...and so I choose now to do so.
I often feel bad for my mom. I often come to her with my bad news. I do so cause I know I can trust her. I know she wont tell anyone else, and I know that even if she does get upset with me...she'll still have some sort of understanding in the ways she does and wont forever be mad. So when I do bad things, make bad decisions, or when bad things come up in my life...I often tell my mom. I feel selfish for it, because I do it because it absolutely feels good to open up to someone and to be honest with them and to "come clean" sort of speak.
I feel bad, because she has enough stress on her plate. It's like I'm often a barer of bad news for her, and it's not fair for me to expect to to always carry my bad news for me like this.
She doesn't really know what to say, but we both agree not to worry about it for now. My doc appointment isn't for another month and we'll worry about things once I've seen him.

:(

It's so boring. so mundane. But it's me and my mom's mundane. It's just what we do. And on the days we're getting along...I enjoy being there. It's good to get out, and our boring days together keep me going.
lol I really need to invest in a life. Friends.
I wish I had the same with my dad. But I'm always on edge around him. His moods can switch so quickly. I can't trust him with any thing I'm sensitive about, I can't confide in him anything I want kept secret. I absolutely love him to death...but he can never do what my mom does for me. His word means nothing. I've so little trust.

I feel like driving over this morning and waking her up. Making her get up. I don't want to do anything exciting or anything with her today. I just want to sit out with her all day watching tv and visiting as we do.

It's okay that it's boring. It's OUR boring...and we like OUR boring. It's something that keeps us bonded.

I'm going to miss my boring days just sitting around with my mom. How I long for it now :(

You know I think if fuzzling some day says that she can tell me all her problems because she trusts me I'd be over the moon. There's no bigger compliment I think

stef
05-18-17, 05:51 PM
Psycho,
So sorry to gear of your loss :grouphug:

Hermus
05-18-17, 06:10 PM
It's so sad to hear everything you have to go through right now. But you're doing so well by writing your feelings down the way you do. You have a gift for words. Keep going, my friend. :grouphug:

psychopathetic
05-19-17, 01:07 AM
But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.
:(
For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.

Hermus
05-19-17, 04:13 AM
But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.
:(
For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.

Grief mostly comes in waves and every feeling you have, whether it's sadness, anger, anxiety or whatever is okay. I'm with you in my thoughts, Psycho. :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
05-19-17, 04:24 AM
But I don't want to say goodbye.
I'm not ready to let go.
I still don't know how tomorrow begins.
:(
For now I'm okay with tomorrow not coming.

It hits me in waves. I'm a walking cliche.

Yup human!!!!

whatever you are feeling it's Ok. Just be very very kind to yourself. You've experienced a terrible loss. You need all the kindness that you can get...especially from yourself. :grouphug::grouphug:

goldsprinkles
05-19-17, 12:22 PM
I am so so so sorry for your loss. So sorry. May she rest in peace <3 Hugs.

DJ Bill
05-19-17, 01:54 PM
Wow, some of those posts you've made could be the start of a small book on grieving.
Or at least an article somewhere..

Much better talking it out(actually typing) than bottling it all up inside only to have some minor thing later cause it all to finally come out. (Not that I did it that way - I was in my 50's before I really greived some things from my childhood.)

psychopathetic
05-20-17, 07:26 AM
I'd really like to call her.

I did so almost everyday.
I spend too much time locked away in my apartment. Alone.
Calling her to check in kept me grounded. Kept the walls from closing in. Reminded me that there's a world outside...reminds me that I'm not really all that alone.

So I called last night. Asked how she was doing and asked her what her plans were for the day.
She's still doing good. She can't believe how much better she's feeling after her procedure last weekend. How much clearer she's able to think!
She's also got no plans for the day. She just wants to catch up on some of her tv shows she's got saved to her DVR. It's 90% full she tells me. She hopes my dad doesn't get up for at least 2 more hours so that she can watch a couple of her soap operas while he's napping. Says she doesn't have anything recorded that he'd want to watch with her.

She made a tator tot casserole the night before...so she's just going to reheat that and have left overs for dinner.

I tell her I have an apointment with the sleep study center in a town 30 miles away this coming up monday. She plans on going with me. She'd like to stop at the dollar tree, walmart and walgreens...she's hoping walgreens will have some stationary she likes that can only be found there in stock. I like going to walgreens cause once in a great while they've got some really cute things on great clearance, and they sometimes stock some neat board/card games I can't find elsewhere locally.
We plan on eating at taco bell that day. They've got some new chicken nuggets I want to try out. My mom loves their $5 combos.

And my parents watch a couple of really cool kids (brothers) on saturdays. I really look forward to hanging out with them, but dang...over the past 3-6 months I've been having a tough time getting over there. They get to my parent's house at 9am...and sometimes...because of my messed up sleep...I'm not even falling asleep until that time!
But dang...it's been 6 or 7 weeks now since I've seen the boys. I miss them! :(
And my poor dad's still recovering from his open heart surgery, so he's gotta take it easy...
So I tell my mom that I'll plan on coming over in the morning to make the boys breakfast.
She tells me she just went to the store earlier and bought some fresh eggs, and some turkey bacon. I plan on making some eggs, bacon, and waffles for everyone this morning :). I REALLY need to invest in getting a waffle maker that can make more than 2 waffles at a time! lol...it always takes me forever...but I do love me some waffles!!

And with that...we say our goodbyes.
They often re-energize me. These little phone calls with my mom. These check ins.
Nothing exciting talked about. But it's just nice to hear a familiar voice. It breaks up the boredom and monotony of my days.
Plus I like shopping with my mom. I'm glad she'll be going out with me on Monday. Now I've got something to look forward to.

...
I went to the store yesterday...I was in the middle of an isle and saw a star wars toy on clearance. I almost burst into tears...lol what kind of a fool I would've looked like.
I'm confused on what things I should hold onto...and what things to let go of.
Things me and my mom did together...or had in common.
I decided I'm not going to let go of star wars. It was her and I's thing...but it's a thing I'll carry on. With her. For her.
I bought a $45 R2D2 remote robot yesterday...even though I can not afford it this month...because my mom would've wanted me too. Or more likely, she would've bought it herself.
I've had my eye on t his robot for a couple of years now. When it came out, it was $100. Then it dropped to $75...then to $65. Both me and my mom have been super tempted these last few months to pick it up for the $65...cause it's just such a cool toy/collectable for the money.
Well yesterday it was on clearance for $45. I had to buy it. For my mom.

...
I miss my mommy guys :( I miss her so much. I want to get over this and I don't know that I can.
I miss her.

Fuzzy12
05-20-17, 09:45 AM
I'd really like to call her.

I did so almost everyday.
I spend too much time locked away in my apartment. Alone.
Calling her to check in kept me grounded. Kept the walls from closing in. Reminded me that there's a world outside...reminds me that I'm not really all that alone.

So I called last night. Asked how she was doing and asked her what her plans were for the day.
She's still doing good. She can't believe how much better she's feeling after her procedure last weekend. How much clearer she's able to think!
She's also got no plans for the day. She just wants to catch up on some of her tv shows she's got saved to her DVR. It's 90% full she tells me. She hopes my dad doesn't get up for at least 2 more hours so that she can watch a couple of her soap operas while he's napping. Says she doesn't have anything recorded that he'd want to watch with her.

She made a tator tot casserole the night before...so she's just going to reheat that and have left overs for dinner.

I tell her I have an apointment with the sleep study center in a town 30 miles away this coming up monday. She plans on going with me. She'd like to stop at the dollar tree, walmart and walgreens...she's hoping walgreens will have some stationary she likes that can only be found there in stock. I like going to walgreens cause once in a great while they've got some really cute things on great clearance, and they sometimes stock some neat board/card games I can't find elsewhere locally.
We plan on eating at taco bell that day. They've got some new chicken nuggets I want to try out. My mom loves their $5 combos.

And my parents watch a couple of really cool kids (brothers) on saturdays. I really look forward to hanging out with them, but dang...over the past 3-6 months I've been having a tough time getting over there. They get to my parent's house at 9am...and sometimes...because of my messed up sleep...I'm not even falling asleep until that time!
But dang...it's been 6 or 7 weeks now since I've seen the boys. I miss them! :(
And my poor dad's still recovering from his open heart surgery, so he's gotta take it easy...
So I tell my mom that I'll plan on coming over in the morning to make the boys breakfast.
She tells me she just went to the store earlier and bought some fresh eggs, and some turkey bacon. I plan on making some eggs, bacon, and waffles for everyone this morning :). I REALLY need to invest in getting a waffle maker that can make more than 2 waffles at a time! lol...it always takes me forever...but I do love me some waffles!!

And with that...we say our goodbyes.
They often re-energize me. These little phone calls with my mom. These check ins.
Nothing exciting talked about. But it's just nice to hear a familiar voice. It breaks up the boredom and monotony of my days.
Plus I like shopping with my mom. I'm glad she'll be going out with me on Monday. Now I've got something to look forward to.

...
I went to the store yesterday...I was in the middle of an isle and saw a star wars toy on clearance. I almost burst into tears...lol what kind of a fool I would've looked like.
I'm confused on what things I should hold onto...and what things to let go of.
Things me and my mom did together...or had in common.
I decided I'm not going to let go of star wars. It was her and I's thing...but it's a thing I'll carry on. With her. For her.
I bought a $45 R2D2 remote robot yesterday...even though I can not afford it this month...because my mom would've wanted me too. Or more likely, she would've bought it herself.
I've had my eye on t his robot for a couple of years now. When it came out, it was $100. Then it dropped to $75...then to $65. Both me and my mom have been super tempted these last few months to pick it up for the $65...cause it's just such a cool toy/collectable for the money.
Well yesterday it was on clearance for $45. I had to buy it. For my mom.

...
I miss my mommy guys :( I miss her so much. I want to get over this and I don't know that I can.
I miss her.

You will get over this psycho. At least, it will stop hurting so much eventually. It will take time. Give yourself time to grieve.

Your descriptions of spending time with her are so beautiful and I'm glad you got the robot.

:grouphug:

Luvmybully
05-20-17, 01:02 PM
Oh I am so so sorry. Losing a beloved parent leaves a gaping, jagged hole that can never be refilled.

The pain is exquisite. Unbearable.

Time will not heal the wound. NOTHING will heal the wound. But it DOES get less painful.

I am so sorry, Psycho. This is just devastating.

{{hugs}}

Little Missy
05-20-17, 01:08 PM
It never goes away, it just gets less raw and slightly easier with time.

psychopathetic
05-20-17, 02:56 PM
I just want to take a moment to thank you all.

Thank you for all the love, the thoughts, the replies. It really does mean a lot to me. And thanks to you who have reached out to me in private messages. Some of you have even given me your personal e-mail addresses, and even phone numbers to call if I needed.

I'm sorry I haven't replied...but I truly do appreciate the outpouring of support and friendship you guys have given me.

On Tuesday I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this...when I felt so alone. I don't really have any friends in the 3d world anymore, and my dad isn't someone I feel safe with being vulnerable/sensitive around so I knew he'd be not much help with this.

It was really always my mom. She's always the one in the background of my life. She's the one in the 3d world I got to vent to, to go to when needed, to reach out to.
I don't have her to reach out to on this...and so wanted there to be someone out there to reach out to. I thought I was going to get lost. I was lost.

But you guys have been here for me...and omg. Thank you. <3

Thank you for letting me have a safe place to land. To come and weep. To remember. To miss. To talk and to ramble and to smile and to frown.
I haven't felt as alone as I thought I'd feel this week. This thread has provided me a place to be heard and to feel supported...and sometimes I need that. I just want to know people care.

So thank you guys.
It really means a lot for me to have this place. I'd still feel so lost without you.

(((((((Hugs)))))))

midnightstar
05-20-17, 05:18 PM
psycho I can't remember if I included my email address in my message to you, if I didn't I'm happy to send it if you want it :grouphug:

psychopathetic
05-20-17, 06:02 PM
It's okay Midsy :) Thank you so much for the offer though. I haven't e-mailed or called anyone who's offered. I don't know if that's rude of me or not :(. (((Hugs)))

...
I just found my mom's obituary online. I haven't even read the whole thing yet...I wonder who made it for her. Must've been her sisters <3. I'm going to copy/paste it here and read it as I go...will delete anything sensitive (names and locations) as needed.

...

1961 - 2017
<-------> passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday, May 16, 2017 due to complications following surgery; with her parents and sister, <------->, by her side. She was a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.<-------> was born on June 3, 1961 in <------->, Utah to <-------> as the second daughter of five girls.
She had a wonderful childhood growing up in <------->, Wyoming.<-------> graduated from <-------> High School in 1979. She participated in the Winter Fair pageant and was awarded Miss Congeniality.
<-------> married her high school sweetheart, <------->, on September 12, 1981. They have two children, <-------> and <------->.
<-------> lived most of her life in <------->, but had multiple friends wherever she went.
<-------> loved working as a secretary at several health care services in <------->.
She was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and enjoyed serving in any capacity. For many years she typed the Sunday ward bulletin program and the monthly Relief Society newsletter. She willingly shared her testimony of Jesus Christ.
<-------> had many health trials and challenges throughout most of her life, including numerous surgeries. The majority of her days were filled with pain, although anyone wouldn't know that by being around her. She radiated joy and happiness wherever she was; being positive, finding joy in everything. A cheerful disposition, smiling face, and enjoyment for life were a part of each day.
Although <-------> was in pain most of her life, she was continuously cheerful and loved to make other people happy. She enjoyed writing little notes or cards, talking on the phone, keeping in contact through email or facebook, and video-chatting.<-------> was well known for her little notes, words of encouragement, and expressions of love. She went out of her way to make sure everyone was included and felt loved.
Her life was full of loving service. She took pleasure in doing little thoughtful things for others, which always brought a smile to the recipient and brightened their day. She loved holidays and delighted in creating and delivering goodies and uplifting words. She was selfless and kind to all.
<-------> was a big kid at heart and could make anything be fun. Whenever there were grandchildren or nieces and nephews around, she would be found spending time with them. At any family gathering, she would always be found playing games with the children or taking them to City Park or up the canyon. She was the favorite fun-loving aunt and grandma to so many.<-------> always had time for anyone and everyone. She tried to make sure everyone had fun and created numerous wonderful memories.
<-------> was very social and enjoyed any reason to get together with family and friends. She showed Christ-like love to everyone unconditionally. No one was a stranger to her. She had room in her heart for everyone and had a way of making anyone feel special.
<-------> loved the canyon and lakes near <-------> and would spend many afternoons or evenings in the mountains, usually with her husband or son. She loved having a fire to sit by and enjoyed looking at the stars.
Her bubbly personality and laughter were contagious and leaves a void that cannot be filled.
<-------> is survived by her husband, <------->; her children: <------->and <------->; her grandchildren:<------->; her parents:<------->; her sisters: <------->; as well as numerous nieces and nephews.
Funeral services will be held Wednesday, May 24, 2017 at 10 am at The <------->. Family and friends may meet on Tuesday, May 23, from 5:00-7:00 at <------->, and on Wednesday morning at the <-------> at 9:00 prior to the services. Burial will be in the <-------> Cemetery....
I miss you mom :( I wish you'd come home.

Little Missy
05-20-17, 06:08 PM
It's okay Midsy :) Thank you so much for the offer though. I haven't e-mailed or called anyone who's offered. I don't know if that's rude of me or not :(. (((Hugs)))

...
I just found my mom's obituary online. I haven't even read the whole thing yet...I wonder who made it for her. Must've been her sisters <3. I'm going to copy/paste it here and read it as I go...will delete anything sensitive (names and locations) as needed.

...

...
I miss you mom :( I wish you'd come home.

She is home.

psychopathetic
05-20-17, 06:13 PM
She is home.

And her home is brighter for it indeed.

Little Missy
05-20-17, 06:16 PM
And her home is brighter for it indeed.

She sounds like a truly lovely person.

Fuzzy12
05-20-17, 06:31 PM
It's okay Midsy :) Thank you so much for the offer though. I haven't e-mailed or called anyone who's offered. I don't know if that's rude of me or not :(. (((Hugs)))

...
I just found my mom's obituary online. I haven't even read the whole thing yet...I wonder who made it for her. Must've been her sisters <3. I'm going to copy/paste it here and read it as I go...will delete anything sensitive (names and locations) as needed.

...

...
I miss you mom :( I wish you'd come home.

She sounds much loved. Thanks for sharing!!

Also don't worry about replying or making contact with anyone right now unless you really want to. You are not being rude at all. Im pretty sure that no one wants to put more pressure on you. You should get support in the way and form that you prefer and that you think is the most helpful.:grouphug:

anonymouslyadd
05-20-17, 06:56 PM
I'm sorry, Psycho.

:grouphug:

psychopathetic
05-20-17, 07:15 PM
(((((((Anons)))))))

It's nice to see you man.

Lunacie
05-20-17, 07:23 PM
Thank you for sharing that information about your mom. Clearly she was very
much loved, and she loved so many in return.

Her sense of humor must have been very similar to yours, and you certainly
brighten the day when you share your smiles with all of us here. :grouphug:

anonymouslyadd
05-20-17, 07:40 PM
Psycho, my issues pale in comparison to what you're dealing with. I'm with you on this one.

psychopathetic
05-21-17, 08:15 AM
Psycho, my issues pale in comparison to what you're dealing with. I'm with you on this one.

I feel this way about myself 99.99% of the time compared to everyone else...though in all honesty I understand that our issues as individuals are all important to us individually.
haha...now if that didn't sound confusing! :lol:
I mean that if you're having an issue...it might not seem like a big deal to me, because it's not my issue...it's yours. I don't personally have to deal with it. But to you it absolutely IS important because it's YOUR issue and it's something YOU have to deal with.

lol sorry for going on a weird tangent/ramble here. It's just your comment is a comment I make to myself a lot in life...and it's kind of sad to me seeing someone else say it. To me, it's yet another way of telling ourselves that "I'm not worth it.".

Okay, I'll stop now haha :lol:

/awkwardly ends post. :grouphug:

Cyllya
05-21-17, 03:38 PM
Condolences :(

psychopathetic
05-21-17, 06:06 PM
(((((((Cy-Cys)))))))

Thank you.

eclectic beagle
05-21-17, 09:18 PM
Really sorry to hear this, Psycho. Wishing you the best.

finallyfound10
05-21-17, 11:32 PM
((((Psycho))))

I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a lovely person.

My mom died 10 years ago from lung cancer and I have my dad left where I grew up 5 minutes away with a sister and her family out of state.

Losing your mom is one of the hardest things to experience. I really do understand. PM me any time you want.

psychopathetic
05-22-17, 12:16 AM
/sigh...I'm really missing my mom again tonight.
I don't even care if my neighbors can hear me tonight. I'm often so afraid of them hearing me...I just don't care. I keep calling out. I just wish she'd come home to me.
I feel so selfish. I want her back so bad. For me. I need her. I miss her. I sure would like to talk to her again...and not even about anything important. Just a simple check in.
I wish I had something to do. I wish there wasn't so many family members in town. I need to get out. I've been sitting around far too much this week and I'm going bonkers.
I wish I could go shopping with my mom. Take her to dinner. Just sit with her at her house watching tv. Go play bingo with her at the casino (they do it once a month). Go talk to her more about the amazing vacation we're going on this summer. Her and I were going to have such a magical time. /cry

I want my mommy back so bad right now.

I'm worried that I've been coming here and whining too much. But by your guy's replies and support...maybe I'm not. You've all been so kind to me. So patient. So understanding.
And I do appreciate being able to talk. I'm all alone in the 3d world right now...though that's by choice. So it's nice to have SOMEWHERE to talk. To 'whine'. To...grieve.

I need to get out. Maybe I'll call my old friends again and see if they'd like to go have some coffees and sodas this week. Maybe we can get together this weekend on their days off and play a bunch of board games. I've got several new ones I'm dying to try out! I sure could use the company and distraction. I sure could use some fun.

psychopathetic
05-22-17, 01:11 AM
So we're going on a vacation this summer. My mom, my dad and me.

We've not been on a proper vacation together is something like 10 years.

And it's going to be amazing!
We've been planning on it for at least 3 years, and it's been a TON of fun saving money up for it.
We've been doing it right! :)

There's 4 local casinos that have propped up within 30 miles of our small town...another 1 about 45 miles away...over the past 7 or so years.
I don't like them. I've seen and heard of too many people getting addicted to the damn things and wasting their money away. My dad use to be real bad about it. More than once he'd cash his check from working full time 2 weeks...just to spend every single penny of it in 1 single night on slot machines.

Anyhow...these casinos give out free play money as an incentive to get people in their casinos. They use to be much less stingy about it...there for awhile, one of the casinos was giving everyone $10 every single week to play.
The way it works...is you have to actually use the $10 they give you on slots. It's not like they give you cash...and you can't cash the $10 out. You actually have to play it all the way through.
However...anything you win while you're playing that $10 through a machine...you can cash out once the $10 is depleted.
Most people don't stop. They'll play the $10 through, and then anything they won on top of it. Then more times or not, they'll hit their wallets or the atm to spend even more.

Not me an my mom. We were smart about it.
We'd play the $10 through, and IMMEDIATELY stop. It didn't matter if we won 10 cents, or 20+ dollars. We refused to put a penny of our winnings, or our own money into the slots.
And we ALWAYS won...at least something. There's never been a time we had free play and not one at least a little bit.
Sometimes we'd hit pretty big too. We always played penny machines, and usually we'd only play 20-40 cents per bet...but sometimes we'd walk away with a profit of $60 or more between the 2 of us on our free play!

So one time we decided to start saving our winnings. We weren't sure what we'd save it for...but it wasn't long before we decided we'd love to save it for a vacation.
What a cool idea! To have a big family vacation...all payed for from the casinos? haha :D

Well...long story short (as if the above wasn't long enough!)...3 years later...and we've got over $2,000 saved up...all 100% from the casinos!...all 100% free!! lol...seriously. How cool is that!?!
For some reason I think it might even be about $3,000...but now that I'm thinking about it...I'm pretty sure it's just $2,000.

We had 3 ideas of places we could go on vacation.

1.) My dad's always wanted to visit the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Plus...for some reason...he's always wanted to visit the desert and go hunt for lizards and a tortoise. Not to kill or anything...just to catch, be fascinated by, and then let go. Or who knows...maybe he'd catch a lizard and try to keep it as a pet? lol we did that with some tiny little lizards from around our town when I was a kid.

2.) Me and my mom would've LOVED to go to Las Vegas. My dad would likely be a complete grump on the trip though...cause we wouldn't be going to spend money at the casinos. Me and my mom could go to Vegas and never put a penny into a machine and never regret it. Not my dad.
No...we'd go to Vegas for 3 things. Sight seeing, souvanir shopping (lol we love splurging on ourselves!)...and the number one thing...is finding free things to do! :D Free performances, free attractions, free drinks...whatever we could find! We'd make it a point to find things we could do free.
And what an amazing time the 2 of us would have!

3.) A cabin in Minnesota. Now I call it a cabin...though it's turned into some MUCH bigger over the years. It's a large house, with a GIGANTIC garage filled with cars and boats with a big huge room (complete with a bathroom) with lots of chairs and beds on top...right next to a big beautiful lake. My uncle (who isn't actually related to my family at all, but is just a very close family friend) owns all the land surrounding it as well...so it's nice a secluded. Surround by forest...away from any towns. It's his summer home...he's got other homes he stays in around the country...when he's not traveling in his big a** RV lol.
It's truly a magical place. I could go on and on about it. The memories. Some of my favorite memories are all the frogs and toads EVERYWHERE haha. I was in heaven! We don't have a whole lot of frogs and toads in my area...it's too cold and high in elevation here. I'd spend all day at this cabin catching these super cute little toads though. I loved catching them and holding them and kissing them haha...and then I'd let the poor little things go. Just to go catch some more the next day.
Or the turtles! LOTS of turtles around as well...though they weren't as fun to hold cause they always had super long, razor sharp claws. And they were hard to catch too. The second they touch water, they're gone!
My dad loved the fishing. Heck...you could just fish off the dock...or sometimes us kids would take a wooden raft my uncle had made over to a place with a bunch of lilty pads, and we'd fish for pan fish. That was always a ton of fun.
Or trolling...my dad enjoyed doing that as well. But mostly he likes taking a small boat and just spending all day driving around the lake fishing different spots and just take in everything. It was magic.

Yeah. There was really no question. We had to go to the cabin again! It's all of our favorite place in the world!
We decided since we'd have the money for it, and the time...we mine as well visit the Mall Of America only a few hours away too...we'd spend 4 or 5 days at the cabin, followed by staying near the mall for another 2 or 3 days.

...
I'll get more into the details later. I'm SO hoping me and my dad can make the trip. I'm praying we don't need to dip into the money we've been saving.
My dad sure wont be near the fun as my mom would be...but I still want to go so bad.

Fuzzy12
05-23-17, 11:30 AM
Hi psycho. How are you doing?

I'm seriously impressed that you saved $2000. And had fun earning it!!! :yes: that's so cool!!

I hope you can do the trip with your dad. I can imagine that both of you could do with some time away.

someothertime
05-24-17, 12:10 AM
sending you love.

psychopathetic
05-24-17, 07:24 AM
sending you love.

Thank you Some-Somes. It's been awhile, it's nice to see ya!

(((((((Bro Hug)))))))

psychopathetic
05-29-17, 12:07 AM
This sadness is crushing me with it's weight.
The weeping. It comes and it goes. It comes from no where. Even when I'm not even thinking about anything...it just hits.

And I'm feeling angry. Why'd you leave me mom? Damn it!!
I wasn't ready for her to go.
Is anyone ever? I'm sure there's some. I wasn't.

And I'm trying to stuff it. I'm trying to deal with it on my own. So many people have lost loved ones, there's nothing special about me. Everyone's suffered. They don't need to hear it from me.
And yet I long for someone to talk to. An ear to listen. My mom has been that shoulder and that ear to me for so long. And now it's gone and I'm so alone.
My dad can't provide that for me.
I'm not close to any of my extended family.
I haven't hung out with my old friends in years now.
I've got my weekly support group...I'd love to hang out more with them, but I get the impression that they like me in group...but not as a friend. /sigh
I just have online.

Sometimes I just want to go home to my mom. Death suddenly seems so much easier now. There's less resistance there. It's like a release from all the tension and weight.
But this will pass. I don't think I'm in danger of myself.
I just miss my mom. I want to talk to her. I have questions for her. Things I'll never get to ask her. There's so many things I wanted to do with her yet...there was so many things we enjoyed doing with each other.

I'm sick of this sadness. I feel it in my throat and it's a heavy weight and makes me slouch and holds me down.
I'm sleeping a lot. And I'm weeping a lot. And my breathing is still dificult.

And I want this to be done. It's been nearly 2 weeks. I want to feel better. I want the weight to lift. I'm so sick of the sadness and I'm so angry that my mom left me and I feel so bad for myself and I still don't have my future without her figured out...and I've got so many pressures on me. So much is expected of me.

I might be in a dangerous spot right now.
I sure do hope my mood stabilizer kick back in soon. I hope they help me from feeling this low.
I don't want to be here anymore. In this low.

Unmanagable
05-29-17, 12:24 AM
((((Hugs))))

Grieving is a long process, a very painful one. I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. Can you take a ride to the favorite fire burning spot tomorrow?

Maybe write down some things you'd like to say to mom, even the angry things, then take it and burn it in a memorial fire, releasing some of the energies of the grief. Would your dad go along, or would you even want him to?

Either way, just an idea that popped into my mind that I thought might bring some joy to balance out the heaviness. Thinking of you. I'm around. Holla anytime. Please take good care of you.

peripatetic
05-29-17, 12:24 AM
do you have a crisis plan in place? i mean, i just want you to know that stopping your meds and then waiting for them to restart and hating life and so forth... i can relate. and i hope you stay safe. xx

aeon
05-29-17, 01:29 AM
Grieving is a long process, a very painful one.

Everyone grieves differently...for some it is not long. I say this for those who would be made to feel wrong about their way.


Namaste,
Ian

psychopathetic
05-29-17, 01:34 AM
I say this for those who would be made to feel wrong about their way.

Oh jeeze...I certainly wasn't trying to sound like I think there's something wrong with people who grieve in their own ways :(

peripatetic
05-29-17, 01:36 AM
Oh jeeze...I certainly wasn't trying to sound like I think there's something wrong with people who grieve in their own ways :(

i think i read aeon's post differently. i thought he was saying that some are shorter and some are longer and it's ok to grieve however and however long is right for you. xx

silversurfer
05-29-17, 06:33 AM
Sending some friendly hug here, I'm so sorry to hear about your lost.
Your mom is in good hand now, no more suffering. I will pray for you and your family.

Fuzzy12
05-29-17, 06:49 AM
This sadness is crushing me with it's weight.
The weeping. It comes and it goes. It comes from no where. Even when I'm not even thinking about anything...it just hits.

And I'm feeling angry. Why'd you leave me mom? Damn it!!
I wasn't ready for her to go.
Is anyone ever? I'm sure there's some. I wasn't.

And I'm trying to stuff it. I'm trying to deal with it on my own. So many people have lost loved ones, there's nothing special about me. Everyone's suffered. They don't need to hear it from me.
And yet I long for someone to talk to. An ear to listen. My mom has been that shoulder and that ear to me for so long. And now it's gone and I'm so alone.
My dad can't provide that for me.
I'm not close to any of my extended family.
I haven't hung out with my old friends in years now.
I've got my weekly support group...I'd love to hang out more with them, but I get the impression that they like me in group...but not as a friend. /sigh
I just have online.

Sometimes I just want to go home to my mom. Death suddenly seems so much easier now. There's less resistance there. It's like a release from all the tension and weight.
But this will pass. I don't think I'm in danger of myself.
I just miss my mom. I want to talk to her. I have questions for her. Things I'll never get to ask her. There's so many things I wanted to do with her yet...there was so many things we enjoyed doing with each other.

I'm sick of this sadness. I feel it in my throat and it's a heavy weight and makes me slouch and holds me down.
I'm sleeping a lot. And I'm weeping a lot. And my breathing is still dificult.

And I want this to be done. It's been nearly 2 weeks. I want to feel better. I want the weight to lift. I'm so sick of the sadness and I'm so angry that my mom left me and I feel so bad for myself and I still don't have my future without her figured out...and I've got so many pressures on me. So much is expected of me.

I might be in a dangerous spot right now.
I sure do hope my mood stabilizer kick back in soon. I hope they help me from feeling this low.
I don't want to be here anymore. In this low.

Don't stuff it psycho. Don't try to deal with it on your own. To an extent you have to. To an extent no one can this pain and sadness and loss away from you even though we wish we could. But to whatever extent that you don't have to do this on your own, don't (if that sentence somehow makes sense??). I mean if there is anything or anyone who can make things even just a little bit better or easier for you then let them. Or make them.

So what if other people experience loss? That doesn't make yours any easier to bear. Maybe it just means that they will understand what you are going through.

I can imagine that the added pressure of having to take care of your dad isn't making things any easier. Is there anyone who could take over some bits (hopefully from a distance so you don't need to deal with them while living with your dad). Is there anything you can outsource?:grouphug:

psychopathetic
06-01-17, 09:12 PM
Really missing you again today mom :(.

I miss my shopping partner. haha we always had so much fun! I always felt a bit guilty cause I always ended up getting you to spend too much.
We had so much fun! We so often splurged on ourselves...buying dumb little things...just to buy them! Just cause they were cute! lol
I'm going to miss that with you.
Dad gets so tired when out shopping. You know that. He starts out fun...but very quickly turns grumpy and sucks any joy of shopping right out of us. That and me makes snide ignorant comments about our silly spending habits...just to be mean.
Who cares if we bought dumb things? It's not like we were doing it excessively, or like it was harming us or anyone else financially. We very seldom ever splurged on something that we couldn't afford...though there has been many times I've splurged, and have later needed to borrow money from you and dad.

It's just I get paid tomorrow mom. I'd like to go shopping a bit. I need to go get dad some groceries. I need a new book to read. Oh mom! I've just finished yet another book since you left! haha I FINALLY got through The Martian...you know that movie about the guy who gets stuck on mars? Yeah...I started the book like 2 years ago and only just now finished it! lol
I'd also like to go look through the star wars toy isle...though I don't even need to tell you this, cause of COURSE we're going down that isle! haha...that's just mandatory for the 2 of us! :D
I bought a really cute r2-d2 robot a few weeks ago for $45. You know the one. The one that was $99, then went down to $75 and then we REALLY wanted to pick him up when he went down to $65.
He's super cute and worth every penny of the $45. But guess what? They have them in stock at our local walmart for just $30 now! Isn't that crazy?
(at this news...my mom would probably want to jump into the car tonight to go grocery shopping just so she could pick up this toy NOW! /giggle. She'd just borrow me any money I spend tonight and I'd pay her back in a few days).

Anyhow mom. I miss you. I love you. I'm weeping a bit in this moment for you. For me. I want my shopping partner back! I want to go shopping with you! :*(
I wish I could see you. I wish we could talk. grrrr

psychopathetic
06-16-17, 02:19 PM
Hi Mom. I sure miss you :(.

I almost lost it in the car with dad last night. He asked me when the next Star Wars movie was coming out. Told him in December. Realized that I wasn't going to get to watch it with you in the theaters multiple times. That the excitement of it all wasn't going to be there. That my star wars buddy is gone.
I almost started to cry...but realized I was in the same car as my dad...and we both know well we can't let dad see our emotions like that. He sure does like to use it against us when he's in his sour moods...just to be mean and to bring us down to his own misery.

And dang it...I got home last night...and almost lost it again. I want to tell you all about the trip! I want to show you all the small things I picked up! All the experiences we had, about the foods we ate!
But I can't.
You're not here :(.
And it feels like it's been so long without you. It's time to come home now mom. It's been so long.
And then I realize it's only been a month, and it makes me so sad to think of doing this month after month. Missing you. Longing for you. Wishing to talk with you. Needing you. I don't have anyone to fill the void you've left damn it. I don't have anyone there...and it's such a big void mom.
:(
Damn it mom, why'd you leave me? gah...it's okay...I don't know that there's an after life or anything, but at least I know you're free of all your pain, stress and anger.
I'm just selfish, and I just want my mother back.

And dang it mom! I wish so badly you could've went on the trip with us! You'd have been SO much funner to shop with than dad was.
Dad was great! He was a real champ this trip. We did get into a major fight on the drive down there, but then we got along for the rest of the trip...and he did a TON of walking around with me at the mall and let me do everything I wanted to do at the mall.
It's just that...well...he doesn't seem to much enjoy looking around and just shopping. You and me like to go isle by isle looking at things. Taking our time. Picking things up and showing each other things...and we LOOOOVE to splurge on ourselves and pick silly toys and trinkets and souvenirs up...just for the heck of it! lol

Oh man mom...you'd have been so amazed with Sea Life!
Again, dad was great here...we really took our time going through it and I at no point felt rushed with dad.
It's just...well you and me are able to dip into our inner kids once in awhile in ways dad isn't able to, and things like this are just so much fun to experience with you.

:( :( :(

I miss you mommy. Oh I want to hang with you so badly. God I want to go shopping with you damn it! I need my buddy back! I need my gaming partner back. I need my emotional support back! I need the person I can confide in back! The person I can tell secrets to and know they'll remain secrets.
I need you mom. You're still such an insanely important person in my life.
You've been away for so freaking long now mom. Please come back now. Please come home.
I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to miss you anymore. I don't want to keep coming to the realization that I can never really talk to you again. That you're gone. Forever. No more.
It really just sucks and I'm really just selfish and I really just want my mommy back.

I'm so sad now.
:(

/sigh

I love you Mom.

midnightstar
06-16-17, 02:24 PM
Big hugs to you, psycho :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
06-16-17, 02:29 PM
Psycho. :(

Just a million hugs. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

Greyhound1
06-16-17, 02:47 PM
psycho,
All the feelings and emotions you are going through are perfectly normal. That sucks about your dad holding emotions against you. Be reassured that time will make this less difficult. I feel for you.:grouphug:

psychopathetic
06-17-17, 10:20 PM
Is it okay with everyone if I go ahead and keep this thread up and running? At least for a bit?
I'm finding it quite nice to have a place to reach out to my mom. To talk to her. I guess I could do it privately somewhere, but it feels nice here. It feels nice to share it.

I just don't want to be annoying anyone. It's like I feel like I should be over this...move on...stop going on and on about how I miss her.
But dang it...I do.

(((ADDForums)))

(((ADDFers)))

(((Mom)))

(((Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches))) :giggle:

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 12:10 AM
Thinking of you, psycho.

willow129
06-18-17, 06:38 AM
I keep waiting for her to call me today to tell me she's back and feeling a lot better. We're going to go run to the store like we often do to pick up some meds and grab something for diner.
Later this weekend we'll go to a town 30 minutes away to do some grocery shopping at our closest walmart supercenter. We always run through the toy isle and look for any new/cool star wars toys. lol she often splurges, though so do I. I've been keeping my eyes open for an r2d2 figure I keep hoping they'll have in stock.
I know I shouldn't brag about this...but her and I collect these little blind bags with really cute plastic animals in them. They're called animal jams and they come in a super cute plastic container that looks like a wood cabin, then inside the cabin is a bag with the plastic animal...there's 96 of them to collect in the first set with different kinds of rarities.
Me and my mom still have 6 each at her home to open :(.

I've been collecting these little glass bottles for her that she wants to use for her crafts in the future. I was just cleaning one off for her today out of habit. I have more than 50 of them saved up for her and I couldn't wait for her to see how many I'd saved for her!

I've been saving change and cash here and there over the last couple of months. I've been waiting for her to get out of the hospital this week cause I was going to let her go through it all for me and count it. It would've been fun.

We were going to go to the mall of america this summer. We haven't been on a big vacation in many years. We have over $3,000 saved up for the trip we've been saving for years...most of it is from money the local casinos have given us to play.

This month is me and my dad's birthday month...the 2 biggest local casinos give us free money to use on their slot machines ($15 at one place and $20 at the other)...and they both give us $20 each to use at their restaurants. So we had $80 between the 2 of us to use on restaurants there this month. My mom's birthday is next month. It's always a fun couple of months for me, my dad...and my mom. We enjoy going out together and most the time we get along.

I just want her to come home and to feel better. I just want her to come home god damn it.

I'm so tired and I have zero go in me today.

She's my only real friend guys. I really have no one out side of her. Who will I ever get to share my star wars love with again? Who will give me the inner child outlet she provides me...she doesn't shun or make fun of me for having such a childish side to me...she embraces and encourages it. Who can I confide in? Turn to?
I wish I had more people in my life. It's very sudden to realize I've really got no one. I was such a mamma's boy.

I just want her to come home :(

I'm sorry for being so dramatic. Thank you guys for all the love and support and for reaching out to me with such warmth.
Thank you.
<3

Oh my god you are such a GREAT son. How sweet and wonderful and fun you are. **huuugs**

Fuzzy12
06-18-17, 12:06 PM
^^ What willow said!!

Are you back from your trip? How are you doing?

midnightstar
06-18-17, 04:34 PM
Is it okay with everyone if I go ahead and keep this thread up and running? At least for a bit?
I'm finding it quite nice to have a place to reach out to my mom. To talk to her. I guess I could do it privately somewhere, but it feels nice here. It feels nice to share it.

I just don't want to be annoying anyone. It's like I feel like I should be over this...move on...stop going on and on about how I miss her.
But dang it...I do.

(((ADDForums)))

(((ADDFers)))

(((Mom)))

(((Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches))) :giggle:

Keep it up and running for as long as you need, psycho :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
06-18-17, 04:45 PM
Is it okay with everyone if I go ahead and keep this thread up and running? At least for a bit?
I'm finding it quite nice to have a place to reach out to my mom. To talk to her. I guess I could do it privately somewhere, but it feels nice here. It feels nice to share it.

I just don't want to be annoying anyone. It's like I feel like I should be over this...move on...stop going on and on about how I miss her.
But dang it...I do.

(((ADDForums)))

(((ADDFers)))

(((Mom)))

(((Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches))) :giggle:

Yes of course. It's not annoying. I always read your posts when i see them. They are so touching and beautiful.

Also, no I don't think you should be over this. I don't think there's a normal amount of time for grieving but to be honest it still seems very recent.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

stef
06-18-17, 04:51 PM
Goodness yes, pleae continue;
It's beautiful to read, and also very helpful for you, I'm sure
When I lost my mom i was too distressed to find words and that was a huge factor in a very mixed up grieving process

Rebelyell
06-18-17, 09:00 PM
Omg im so sorry to hear this psycho.I havent been here in a long while.When my mom was sick i knew she wouldnt be long for this world so i savored every minute i had with her.i wanted time to stop...it didnt irs gone even faster but i have no regrets i do miss her everyday tho.big hugs to you

psychopathetic
06-28-17, 07:32 AM
God damn it mom...I'm so sick of not having you to talk to.
And I keep expecting it to get easier. It's been something like 6 weeks now. I feel like I'm suppose to be moving on.
But it's getting ******* harder damn it. My anger. My frustration. My ******* pain.
I want you back damn you! I need you. I don't have anyone and I'm not ******* ready for this and my life is unraveling and...I just need you.

I need someone to talk to mom. So badly. But I don't have anyone :(. I don't mean to sound ungrateful to the amazing people here on these forums...so many of them have opened up to me and reached out to me.
But it's different. I DO trust them...but not in the ways I trust you. I could e-mail them, or even call a few of them as they've even opened up enough to send me their phone numbers...but I don't have that level of comfort that I do with you and I wouldn't be able to talk to them at the same level I'm able to talk to you. Freely. No fear of judgment or anything. Or even if you do judge me...knowing full well you'll still love me and accept me.

I don't know. I'm falling apart mom. I need you to lean on as I so often have leaned on you for these things.
I tried to open up to dad the other day and talk to him...told him I've been struggling pretty badly with my mood...and he IMMEDIATELY shut me down. Told me he didn't want to hear a word of it and that he's got enough of his own things to worry about to start worrying about me too.
Ah well. I tried. Knowing full well I'll never be able to really open up to him.

I think I'm going to get evicted. My apartment's a real mess again mom. I know. It always is. Year after year. Inspection is on friday. There's zero chance I have at getting it up to par, though I will at least clear out a lot of trash. He may not evict me...but I'm kinda expecting it.
Means I'll be moving in with dad. Was looking like a decent idea just after you passed, but as time is passing...it's not. He and I wont get along super well. I just don't like him as much as I feel like I should. I've got too many long standing resentments. He's burning and re-burned too many bridges. I deserve and NEED more than he's willing to give me in a friendship.
But things will be as they need to be. He'll likely need me before long for financial reasons too.

Dad's money I billed for late last week didn't get direct deposited into your checking account. Either I ****** something up, or I was too late this week on it so it wont actually get put into your account till next week. Dad acted upset (don't blame him!) about it, but it was like he was upset with me. Mom...how do I make it clear to him how freaking tough this has been for me, how much pressure he put on me, and how many of the roadblocks I ran into were NOT my fault and were out of my control? It's been a HUGE under taking trying to get his paperwork for respite figured out this last month, and yet he's going to get upset at me cause I'm a little ******* slow? Damn it mom I'm so ****** off!

And it's this anger. It's building. I'm angry at you, and angry at dad, and really angry at me, and angry at life, and angry with how much of a piece of **** that I am. Angry that nothing really changes. I'm still the same loser I was 5 years ago...jobless and hopeless. 5 years from now I'll still be jobless and hopeless. I'm a walking prediction. Nothing changes.

And I don't even want to be here in 5 years I don't think. But I'm not suicidal. I'm just tired.

And I'm worried about dad. I'm not sure if he's going to go back to work. I think he kinda wants to be put on social security. I think it'll destroy him. The sitting around the house all day. He refuses to open up to me and talk about this stuff.
**** him.

And I'm angry at him for telling me I have no respect for him...and for saying it in a way like I'm victimizing him for not having respect for him.
But I flat out completely own up to the fact that I do NOT have respect for him! I've been telling him this fact straight to his face for years!
No **** I don't respect him!! :mad: I can't trust his word, I'm not worth enough to him to listen to, I can't talk to him about anything sensitive or else he'll use it against me to hurt me, he's completely wishy washy...in a great mood one moment, then just a real jerk the next, he spends half the time I'm around me...acting as if he can't stand my existence, he gives up on things WAY too quickly, during some of the toughest times in my life when I needed a male role model to trust in and to have my back...he's repeatedly turned his back completely against me, he makes commitments...promises...then changes his mind on them and leaves me high and dry...
How the **** am I suppose to respect him mom? He doesn't deserve my respect. He hasn't earned it. He's betrayed me far too many times.
How dare he make me out to be a horrible person for not respecting him. My lack of respect and trust in him isn't my fault. It's HIS...yet he wants to throw me under the bus so I and everyone else will throw him a pity party?
Screw that mom.

And I just got an air conditioner! haha I know!! And it's been working amazing!...
Until it stopped today.
Yeah just another long list of **** in my life that wants to untangle on me.
I don't feel like spending anytime writing about it now...but long story short...at least it's working again for now. But I'm afraid it's only going to stop working again soon.
Bleh.

And my sleep. Not enough.

And my meds. Off my add meds...off my moodstabilizer...off my meds for my thyroid.
I do give myself insulin still. But my numbers have been all over the place...and lots of highs again.

And my eating.
Omg mom. I can't stop. I just gorge and gorge and gorge. I gorge when I'm bored, I gorge when I'm hungry, I gorge when I'm tired, I gorge when I'm in a good happy mood, I gorge when I'm not even close to being hungry.
I can hardly keep my stupid button down shirts buttoned at this point. I don't know how many pounds I've gained this month...but I know it's horrible.
I just keep stuffing myself mom. I feel so sick. And I don't even get pleasure from eating right now like I do sometimes. It's not filling any voids within...it's only making me feel more and more bloated and fat and it's really just gross.

And I'm missing doctor appointments. My pill doc for my mental health. My primary doc at the clinic. The sleep doc to have a sleep study done. I'm such a stupid joke.
I had an appointment in the town a few hours away for monday the 3rd next week...it works out cause dad too just happens to have an appointment in the same town with his own doctor that day...
But they called me today and told me that the doc will be out of office. I told them I'd call them back at a later date to set up an appointment.
Truth be told...I don't really plan on calling back. It was for my kidneys. My doc thinks there's something going on there.
**** it. I just don't care right now...you know?

And my counseling place. i haven't seen my talk therapist in months, and I guess my case expired because I needed to visit with her to renew my papers. I guess they left a message with dad about it. /grrr.
But it means I can't go to my freaking support groups...and damn it mom. You know how much these groups mean to me! I don't have you anymore and I so freaking need these guys right now in my life...and I can't even have them either.
God damn it.

I wish I had some money mom :(. I want to go do more traveling. With, or without dad. Preferably with I think though. Despite it all.
I truly enjoyed driving at night on me and dad's recent trip. My window down...the crisp night air whipping across my bear arm...cooling me to my core. Making me feel alive!
And the hotels! Oh I want to stay in more! Cheap ones!! Of course I'd love some fancier places...but it's just not in the cards for me...I'll only ever be able to afford cheap as I can find...yet even so, there's a magic to it. Stepping into my room after a very long exhausting day...immediatly going to the air conditioner and cranking it to full blast...crawling into the overly stuffed and fluffy bed, feeling all of my achy muscles and sore bones just relax...flipping the tv on, flipping from channel to channel till you find something to distract you for a few. Or to just give you a bit of background noise.
And then eventually just drifting off into a deep dark slumber. Hunkering deep down into your blankets to combat the freezing cold your room has become from the AC at this point.
Oh...I need to travel some more mom! I don't even care where I go! It doesn't need to be anywhere. Just somewhere I can drive to at night, and stay at a hotel. haha maybe that'd be my only destination...is a cheap hotel. No shopping or anything...just traveling and a hotel stay.
Sounds quite okay with me!

/sigh.
I'm flat *** broke. And dad's got a lot of bills he's gotta pay coming up. I might have to help him with what little I have these next couple of months.
I'm hoping to become a respite care provider here shortly mom...start making my own income...then I can really help him out, and things will hopefully stabilize financially for the both of us.

...
Mom. There's so much more I need to talk to you about. I stood Damian up...2 or 3 times now. God damn me :mad:. He's tried to reach out to me. I'm such a horrible friend. And I stood Chris up.../sigh. I really should have at least called her mom. Ah well...she doesn't seem upset about it.

Just so many things mom. Small things. Big things. So many things are falling apart around me. So many things are getting further and further away from me.
I'm really ******* up on so many things all at once...

And I really wish I could talk to you. This here...right now tonight...typing this out to you...it helped.
But God damn it mom...it's nothing like really speaking to you.
I can never talk to you again mom. ****. God Damn It.

I'm not mad at God. I don't even know if he exists. But if he does...I'm not angry with him. I don't think he took you from me or anything like that. I don't think that's how it works.
I am angry with you though. I'm sorry...I'm just being honest. And I know it's selfish. But damn it mom! Why'd you freaking leave me? Why wont you come back damn you?
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm so glad you're free now. Free of your pains and discomforts and all the things in life that caused you such anger and frustration.
Still...
I wish you were here. I wish we could talk. I wish we could go build a fire up in the mountains and just hang for an evening.
I sure could use you right now mom.
And you're not here.
:*(

...
Am I in the process of losing it mom? Is this my white flag moment? I've wondered for years what it'd take. I always knew my time would likely come to a close in this way.
And yet...I don't feel suicidal. And I'm still having ups and downs...it's only in my downs it's a thought at all. But then I bounce back up and have a couple of good days.
I wonder if I'll see you. I've done so many wrongs. I wonder if you see them now...all that I've done. Now you can understand. Now you get it. Now you've seen the nightmares I've lived.
Is there even an afterlife?
I sure would like to meet up with you again mom :(. I sure would like to visit. To be greedy and to keep you all to myself for an evening...just to sit and to visit.

I'm afraid I'll never see you again mom. You are no more.
And yet you are.

I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry for everything.

Thank you for the chat tonight mom.

I may need professional help here soon. I can't keep hitting these lows. I'm feeling so much better after typing this though. I can't keep going through these ups and downs though. I really need to be on my moodstabilizer again...oh how it helped with these kinds of things!
I keep considering calling a hotline to talk to an on call therapist here in town...but...I'm not sure.
I'm not sure if I really need it...or if I just need sleep.
It's not as if I'm suicidal or a danger to myself (and I'm certainly no danger to anyone else!).

I just kinda keep stuffing it all. Hoping my good days will last and that this will all just pass.

(((Mom)))

God damn it mom.
Please come back to me! :mad:
...but it's okay. I'm glad that you are so free now.

Fuzzy12
06-28-17, 07:44 AM
Psycho. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Give yourself time. 6 weeks is not too.much to grieve. At the same time get all yhr help you can get. I really mean all the help. Everyone needs help. You've just lost a huge source of support. Your mom. You'll have it hips up a new support network. It won't be the same and it might never be as good but start slowly adding people into your life thst can help you.

But whenever you need to take a break and just cry or rant or yell or sleep or whatever you take the edge of bit
.then do that!!!

Huge hugs. As always. :grouphug:

Unmanagable
06-28-17, 08:57 AM
Please return the call, set up a time, and go to your doctor's appointment(s) and get back on the meds you know that truly help you, psych.

Grieving, by itself, is a heavy load to bear, let alone with other multiple struggles that are currently going untreated.

Please reach out to the therapist also so you can get back to the support group scene that you enjoy and benefit from so much, as well. I began attending a weekly group a couple months ago and it's become a very helpful scene to be a part of. I used to avoid those scenes thinking I wouldn't dig it, but I was wrong.

You're trying to manage your own life and fill the huge void left by your mom in both your own and your dad's life, and then trying to plan to do respite care for others on top of all of that. Woah. That's a big a** order. I'd need some back-up, big time, on handling all that s*** myself.

The snowball effect, going downhill, picking up speed and getting bigger as it goes. That particular feeling I understand all too well.

I can't imagine the level of pain you're experiencing, but I can feel a lot of it through your writing and wish I could hop through the screen and help get some stuff done to ease your worries.

I'm wishing the best for you and hope you can soon feel that you're genuinely worth the effort of taking good care of yourself.

Big hugs along with hope for something to come along and lift your spirits to help get you through these obstacles. You're worth the time and effort. I'd like to think your mom would agree. Be kind to self every chance you get.

Little Missy
06-28-17, 08:59 AM
:goodpost:

midnightstar
06-28-17, 09:38 AM
(((((psycho))))) :grouphug: I agree with Unsy that you're worth it :grouphug:

Please try to get offline help again :grouphug:

Smokey405
06-28-17, 01:33 PM
Psycho, I know where you're coming from. I've been down deep in a hole like before. Trying to move forward in any capacity is hard, in fact those are the hardest steps to take. Like everyone else has said, go to the doctors appointments, talk to people, get help. I know it's easier said than done, but speaking from experience, it is worth it.

There's people out there to support you. And there's all of us here to provide support and encouragement.

Little Missy
06-28-17, 05:14 PM
psycho, this is not a white flag moment, it is hoist the pirate flag moment! until you do, your galleon will remain anchored to your dad.

you both need to navigate the seas alone, yet be able to throw a few bundles of goods to each other when needed.

read and then re-read unsy's post. commence one line at a time.

your landlord can not evict you legally yet. your doc will ensure he does not. remain on your own ship.

the money was not deposited to your mum's account because she is deceased.

sail on. you are the captain of your ship now.

psychopathetic
06-29-17, 02:43 PM
Hey Mom <3.

Just thought I'd write you up a quick update...my last was so intense.

I think I'm going to be okay. I've kinda given up on a couple of things...and in doing so I've found a bit of peace.
There's no way I can get my apartment to where it needs to be...
So I'm just throwing in the towel on it. I'll still get some stuff done...my kitchen counters and some major trash taken out...but with less than 20 hours till my inspection...I'm just not going to push myself.
I am nervous about it obviously. I do think I'm VERY much so facing eviction...but damn it mom...I just don't have it in me right now.

I'll be okay mom. You know me. Hell maybe you know me better now than you did before? I don't know how things work where you are lol. Can you hear me when I call out to you? Feel me as I think of you?

I'm going through some ups and downs here in life...and people are right...I DO need to get back on my meds. If nothing else, I need my moodstabilizers. Even more so than my add meds...I'm bi-polar and my stabilizer does SO much for me...it really helps me from hitting those bitter lows I've been hitting.

And...
I think I've been over dramatizing things a bit here on these forums mom. Just being honest. I think I'm saying a few things...just to get people to feel sorry for me. Just for attention as the saying goes. Also...as a bit of a cry for help.
It feels good to have others feel sorry for me sometimes haha. Does that make me a horrible person? Surely not! That's gotta be just a basic human thing? Right? We're very social creatures, so that when we're unwell...of course it should feel good for others to show love and compassion for you. It's not like I'm taking advantage of anyone here...am I in the wrong to seek out other's empathy?

I know I never hugged you much in real life...it's funny how much of an e-(((hugger))) I am online...cause in the 3d world I've so often had anxieties around 3d real world hugs lol...
But..

(((((((Mom)))))))

Less than 20 hours till my inspection Mom. I just need to get through that. I'll sleep where I can until then, and just grind my way through the event, and accept what happens next and go from there. I fully expect the worse, but I've given up fully caring for now. I'm just not well enough mentally to care. It hurts too much. Causes too much damage to my already damaged system.

I love you Mom.
I WILL be okay.

Fuzzy12
06-29-17, 03:09 PM
Double post.

Fuzzy12
06-29-17, 03:10 PM
Hey Mom <3.

Just thought I'd write you up a quick update...my last was so intense.

I think I'm going to be okay. I've kinda given up on a couple of things...and in doing so I've found a bit of peace.
There's no way I can get my apartment to where it needs to be...
So I'm just throwing in the towel on it. I'll still get some stuff done...my kitchen counters and some major trash taken out...but with less than 20 hours till my inspection...I'm just not going to push myself.
I am nervous about it obviously. I do think I'm VERY much so facing eviction...but damn it mom...I just don't have it in me right now.

I'll be okay mom. You know me. Hell maybe you know me better now than you did before? I don't know how things work where you are lol. Can you hear me when I call out to you? Feel me as I think of you?

I'm going through some ups and downs here in life...and people are right...I DO need to get back on my meds. If nothing else, I need my moodstabilizers. Even more so than my add meds...I'm bi-polar and my stabilizer does SO much for me...it really helps me from hitting those bitter lows I've been hitting.

And...
I think I've been over dramatizing things a bit here on these forums mom. Just being honest. I think I'm saying a few things...just to get people to feel sorry for me. Just for attention as the saying goes. Also...as a bit of a cry for help.
It feels good to have others feel sorry for me sometimes haha. Does that make me a horrible person? Surely not! That's gotta be just a basic human thing? Right? We're very social creatures, so that when we're unwell...of course it should feel good for others to show love and compassion for you. It's not like I'm taking advantage of anyone here...am I in the wrong to seek out other's empathy?

I know I never hugged you much in real life...it's funny how much of an e-(((hugger))) I am online...cause in the 3d world I've so often had anxieties around 3d real world hugs lol...
But..

(((((((Mom)))))))

Less than 20 hours till my inspection Mom. I just need to get through that. I'll sleep where I can until then, and just grind my way through the event, and accept what happens next and go from there. I fully expect the worse, but I've given up fully caring for now. I'm just not well enough mentally to care. It hurts too much. Causes too much damage to my already damaged system.

I love you Mom.
I WILL be okay.


You are a wonderful person.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

psychopathetic
07-22-17, 05:12 AM
:*(

The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 5 characters.but i have nothing else to say. words seem too difficult tonight.
I miss you mom.

midnightstar
07-22-17, 05:32 AM
(((((psycho))))) :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
07-22-17, 06:56 AM
(((( Psycho and psycho mom)))))

:grouphug:

daveddd
07-22-17, 07:52 AM
I'm very sorry

psychopathetic
08-10-17, 06:30 AM
Hi Mom...I miss you :(. It's been awhile.

Sometimes I think I can still sense you. Was that you the other night that tried to hug me twice? You know...when it got really cold?
Are you the little flicker of dust or light that quickly flutters by just out of sight?

I've become almost afraid that I'm holding you back. Like you're waiting on me. Like my need for you is preventing you from moving on.
I feel like maybe you're lingering on so that when my time comes you'll be there to guide me...to show me the way to heaven.
Oh how I love you mom. Even in the after life I feel as if you're giving of yourself to help me just like you so often did here in life.

...
I'm really not so well Mom. Not right now. I am getting some sleep though...that is for sure nice.
My health is shot, my eating habits are becoming less of a habit and more of an obsession, my hygiene has dropped, haven't done laundry in far too long, have really messed everything up with dad's billing and feel like just giving up on it in anger and frustration.
I feel like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack before too long. I certainly can't keep going on like this can I? Something's gotta give.

hehe at least I wouldn't be making you wait long! (((Mom)))

Oh that felt really good. (((((((MOMMY)))))))
I remember you holding me as a really young child and you brushing my cheeks with your finger going on and on about how you couldn't believe how soft my skin was.
:(
As I grew older I stopped liking to snuggle or to be touched...it got to the point where I didn't even like to hug people.
I wish I could hug you so badly Mom! Big huge in real life bear hug you. I'd never let you go.

Nothing feels normal anymore without you, and nothing feels like it can again. There is no normal anymore...there is only sleep, food, distraction...and if I'm not doing any of those...then I'm sulking around quite miserable.

/sigh I don't know. I just miss you. It's when I wake up in the middle of the night like tonight forgetting you have passed that pain me sometimes the most. You're just a mile or 2 away at your house, and tomorrow we'll be able to sit down and get everything in life sorted out again and everything's going to be okay.
Only then I remember you're not there, we can't sort things out, and it wont be okay.

My heart is broken Mom.
I do so love you.

:(

psychopathetic
08-31-17, 05:26 AM
Hi Mom :) I love you!

Been a few weeks since I've posted.

On Friday they're releasing a bunch of new toys for the newest Star Wars movie coming out this December.
Of course if you were still around...you'd be nerding out about it just as I am. haha...you and I'd be headed to the nearest "city" a few hours away so we could hit up all the major retailers. Walmart, Target and Walgreens. Unfortunately there's not Disney Store or Toys-r-us around...but that's okay. We'd still have a blast going to all the stores shopping. We sure enjoyed splurging! I sure miss having that outlet!! A shopping partner. Someone who didn't make me feel bad/guilty/dumb for buying goofy toys and such lol.

It would've just been such a fun experience with you.

I'll still have my own fun. I think I can spend at least $100, though I'll try to spend less...and I'm only just going to the only major local retailer around...walmart in a town 30 miles away.
Hopefully I'll find more stickers! LOL! What was it with stickers with you and I? We've litterally got THOUSANDS of Star Wars stickers between the 2 of us! We were always searching out and picking up new books and what not with stickers in them haha.

We sure had our fun with Star Wars mom.

And I was just thinking about the force awakens earlier today. How it's THE movie of my life. I've never felt so completely swept away before by a movie! Nothing's come close! Not even the lord of the rings did was this new star wars film did to me!
And I'm SOOOOOOOO thankful I got to experience that with you! What a magical enchanted experience it was! How you and I went to go see it (a day early even!!) in the theater...then proceeded to go see it again and again in the theater (haha! first film I ever went to more than once in a theater)...and STILL we couldn't get enough of it! How you and I got completely swept away with all the toys and merchandise! Clothes, toys, books, comics, games, stickers...lol we just couldn't stop! Drove dad NUTS!!! :D How I got to go online and create a custom light saber...choosing the hilt style (made of metal!) and color of the blade (made of a high powered laser)...and then how I had to wait something like 3 agonizing months for it to get built and shipped to me because they were getting in SO many orders haha. But what a joy!
And to have you there with me! To have someone equally excited about the movie as I was!
Thank you Mom. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life...full of just so much child like glee and joy!
I'm SO freaking thankful I have at least that with you.

I keep getting sad thinking about the movie coming up in december. How many times would we see this one in the theater? lol...or would the spark have fizzled? Are we getting a bit worn out yet on our Star Wars obsession?
I'll never know.
And I'm sad that you'll never get to see how the story progresses. We had so many questions! So many theories! So much excitement. And it pains me to know that you'll never be able to finish this new trilogy. I'm so sorry! It makes me so sad! :(

But at least we had that magical year of The Force Awakens together! I feel so lucky to have at least had that with you. What a cool thing to experience with you!

I'm not going to give up on Star Wars just because you're not here with me. In fact, I'm going to take your build a bear stuffed animal I made for you to the theater with me...maybe I'll even go more than once? It's something I'm greatly looking forward to this year. You'll be with me in spirit on that night for sure Mom.

I love you Mom.
:(

/humph
Still wish you'd come home. I wish you could come fix all of me and dad's broken pieces that have broken since you've been away. You made it seem so easy! How in the hell did you have the energy for it Mom? I can't figure that bit out!? I never appreciated how much you did! So many big things...but also all the small things that when added together equaled a TON of effort and energy. Man I miss you! You sure did pamper me Mommy. I wish I'd have been more appreciative of all you did for me /cry.

Anyhow...I'm going to bed lol. I love you. I'm not feeling so sad with you tonight like I have been the last few nights.
I so freaking wish I could talk to you in person again. The idea that I can just go over to your house tomorrow and you and me and talk and get everything planned out and worked out just wont leave me alone! I keep having that thought only to realize that...wait no...you're dead and I CAN'T just go over and talk to you...EVER AGAIN...crushes me.

Okay, I'm done before I start getting too much sadder again tonight.

Love you SO freaking much Mom.

Lunacie
08-31-17, 10:17 AM
:grouphug:

Sounds like you were two peas in a pod. I can only wish I'd had that kind of
relationship with my mom.

psychopathetic
08-31-17, 11:09 AM
:grouphug:

Sounds like you were two peas in a pod. I can only wish I'd had that kind of
relationship with my mom.

hehe...we had our rounds. Believe me! I spent 1/3 of my life trying like mad to move out from under her house because we can't live with each other from the constant fighting.

We still fought when I moved on my own...but not anywhere near as much. There wasn't that constant tension. We could take breaks from each other. We weren't always so up in each other's faces all the time.

Besides, she started to use my poor dad more and more as her emotional punching bag over the last 10 years. It was always me that had played that role in her life before then. I really don't know how he put up with it, but somehow he did. She was venomous about it though...threshold abusive at times.

I'm lucky that we love each other through all the ups and downs we've had. There's been points in my life where I truly believe to this day that I hated her. And I know that's a hugely harsh, large word.
I don't know how we managed to remain as close to each other as we did. We were best friends most the time! We hung out with each other a lot, and did tons of things with each other. It was a dysfunctional as hell relationship...but we do as humans do...we learned to adapt and make things work.
I think our fights kind of brought us closer in many ways too. But I'm too lazy to try and to explain right now haha.

Don't get me wrong...we really were 2 peas in a pod. We were best friends. We did spends loads of (good!) time together...
But we've had our rounds! lol

Fuzzy12
08-31-17, 11:52 AM
I've always loved reading about everything you do together and I still do. It reminds me of my mom and the fun we used to have in her good moments. When she wasn't depressed anxious or manic. Now we just talk completely past each other but in my late teens and early twenties she was my best friend too.


I've probably told you this but in case I haven't: there's a build a bear store in my local shopping centre ajd in the window they have very prominently displayed a kylo ren (is that the name? Anyway it's the same that you got).

It's so freaking adorable and it makes me think of you and your mom every time I walk past.