View Full Version : 37 year marriage at a breaking point


hardtoforget
05-20-17, 08:11 PM
New here. My husband was diagnosed in 2013. ADD, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety. He is seeing a psychiatrist monthly for Adderal and two anti-depressants. Early in April, his doc added Abilify but he became hyper-aggressive after being on it a few days. I begged him to stop taking it. He has seen his doc since but I have no idea if there has been any changes in his meds at this time or not.

We have reached a breaking point after over 36 years of marriage. My mother died in February. I was her only daughter and this has been a severe blow. She got a cancer diagnosis right after Christmas and was gone very quickly. I am still reeling from that.

Less than a month after her passing, my husband began planning ANOTHER solo motorcycle trip. This will be his third. First was five days( 2013), second was ten (2014). He intended this to be two weeks long but may have shortened it a bit. He has announced to everyone that he is going, both in person and on Facebook. He did not however, discuss any of this with me. Not even to ask if I would mind taking care of everything while he was gone. When I have tried to talk to him about his plans (he spends HOURS online just about every day and has for the past few months, obsessing over routes, and sites, and lodging, etc), he gets defensive and angry and says he has every right to think whatever he wants and that if he enjoys planning a trip, I have no business trying to interfere and/or control him. He keeps saying that he is just thinking about it. That is a lie.

He is now scheduled to depart in about three weeks and still has not discussed any of this with me. These motorcycle trips are just his current obsession. He does rides with his group two to three times a month and several other activities during the year. I've been through all kinds of other obsessions with him over the years and it's always the same: the opportunity to do ____________ takes precedence over every other aspect of his life. If I try to put the brakes on anything he has decided he wants to do, he is extremely pouty, depressed, and punishing.

Of course the past years have brought his typical inconsiderate, impulsive, reckless behaviors but this time it's different: My mother has so recently passed and I am still struggling to get her estate and belongings in order as well as just to deal with the loss. I am crushed that he thinks it is OK to just take off and the lack of compassion for me is heartbreaking. The last thing I need right now is two weeks at home alone. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have activities but I don't have the moral support of my husband. Oh, and yes, I joined a Co-Dependents Anonymous Group a month ago. I am making arrangements to move out. And, frankly, I think he will be relieved since he will be free indulge every whim he might have.

Sorry if I sound bitter and angry. I guess I am.

anonymouslyadd
05-20-17, 09:41 PM
Have you talked to him about talking to you about taking trips like that? He probably doesn't realize what he's doing.

hardtoforget
05-20-17, 10:14 PM
We have talked many times but he wants what he wants. He told me about six weeks ago that he realizes he hasn't been very supportive lately so at least he acknowledged something. But he is still determined to go.

dvdnvwls
05-21-17, 03:25 AM
It seems clear that you have lost all the respect you had for him as a person. That makes repair impossible, regardless of reasons. Given that circumstance, it makes sense to me that your next step would be to separate. If there is a chance you could be able to respect him again, that would have to be the first step in rebuilding.

sarahsweets
05-21-17, 06:11 AM
Less than a month after her passing, my husband began planning ANOTHER solo motorcycle trip. This will be his third. First was five days( 2013), second was ten (2014). He intended this to be two weeks long but may have shortened it a bit. He has announced to everyone that he is going, both in person and on Facebook. He did not however, discuss any of this with me. Not even to ask if I would mind taking care of everything while he was gone. When I have tried to talk to him about his plans (he spends HOURS online just about every day and has for the past few months, obsessing over routes, and sites, and lodging, etc), he gets defensive and angry and says he has every right to think whatever he wants and that if he enjoys planning a trip, I have no business trying to interfere and/or control him. He keeps saying that he is just thinking about it. That is a lie.
Wow, how selfish. I can see why you are hurt. Have you told him plainly that it hurts you without harping on the actual trips and trip he wants to take? Sometimes people want to do something and they hurt others and are unable to truly hear what the other person has to say about it because they are still too busy stamping their feet like a toddler. Has he heard about your pain in general?


He is now scheduled to depart in about three weeks and still has not discussed any of this with me. These motorcycle trips are just his current obsession. He does rides with his group two to three times a month and several other activities during the year. I've been through all kinds of other obsessions with him over the years and it's always the same: the opportunity to do ____________ takes precedence over every other aspect of his life. If I try to put the brakes on anything he has decided he wants to do, he is extremely pouty, depressed, and punishing.

How is he paying for this? Are you the working person or does he work too? If he plans to just take off and spend the money doing it, what if you were to change the way that money is accessible for this trip?

Of course the past years have brought his typical inconsiderate, impulsive, reckless behaviors but this time it's different: My mother has so recently passed and I am still struggling to get her estate and belongings in order as well as just to deal with the loss. I am crushed that he thinks it is OK to just take off and the lack of compassion for me is heartbreaking. The last thing I need right now is two weeks at home alone. Yes, I have friends. Yes, I have activities but I don't have the moral support of my husband. Oh, and yes, I joined a Co-Dependents Anonymous Group a month ago. I am making arrangements to move out. And, frankly, I think he will be relieved since he will be free indulge every whim he might have.

Seperating makes sense but god, what timing! Like I said above, get the finances worked out. Its not ok that he takes this trip and spends money while you are moving out.
I dont know if things can be repaired but you need to protect your interests. Do you have children?

hardtoforget
05-21-17, 08:27 PM
In response to some of the comments above. Yes, I have lost respect for him. He got fire from a twenty year position in 14. He was making good money. Now he works for about $18 an hour, even with a Masters. He was able to begin drawing on a retirement fund to cover the difference. Could I respect him again? Not under the present circumstances. And I realize that lack of respect has a lot to do with my impatience and apathy. Yes, we have three children but all are grown and gone. The money for the trip will not be a major expense, probably less than $1200. I know I probably sound really cold and *****y. I am not that bad in person, just needing a place to vent. I left Friday and spent the weekend with family. Had a great time. Did not want to come home.

hardtoforget
05-22-17, 12:19 PM
OK, whole new perspective this morning. Reading some of the other forums, I realize how little I truly understand about ADD and how little instruction/advice/guidance has been forthcoming from his psychiatrist. Hubby has agreed to get a second opinion on his treatment/meds and admitted that his getting fired in 2014 probably had a more profound effect on him than he had admitted, to me, himself, or the doc. I told him that I did not want to give up on this relationship until I was sure that medicinal side effects weren't causing many of the problems and that I would be more patient/less sensitive.

Husband also told me that the psychiatrist told him long ago that he (the doc) figured we'd be divorced in a year and that he (husband) should concentrate on doing what he enjoyed and not worry about me. I wrote this doctor a letter about 18 months ago, expressing concern about my husband's angry (and scary) outbursts and rages. He gave my husband the letter at the next appointment and said, "Looks like you have problems at home. Go talk to your wife."

That caused some major problems here. I guess I did the wrong thing but I was very worried and feared the apparent escalation. I didn't know what else to do. Anyway, let's hope husband really will find another doctor and that a second opinion might result in better treatment. And I will be digging in and working on my own issues. Thanks for reading.

anonymouslyadd
05-22-17, 10:36 PM
OK, whole new perspective this morning. Reading some of the other forums, I realize how little I truly understand about ADD and how little instruction/advice/guidance has been forthcoming from his psychiatrist. Hubby has agreed to get a second opinion on his treatment/meds and admitted that his getting fired in 2014 probably had a more profound effect on him than he had admitted, to me, himself, or the doc. I told him that I did not want to give up on this relationship until I was sure that medicinal side effects weren't causing many of the problems and that I would be more patient/less sensitive.

Husband also told me that the psychiatrist told him long ago that he (the doc) figured we'd be divorced in a year and that he (husband) should concentrate on doing what he enjoyed and not worry about me. I wrote this doctor a letter about 18 months ago, expressing concern about my husband's angry (and scary) outbursts and rages. He gave my husband the letter at the next appointment and said, "Looks like you have problems at home. Go talk to your wife."

That caused some major problems here. I guess I did the wrong thing but I was very worried and feared the apparent escalation. I didn't know what else to do. Anyway, let's hope husband really will find another doctor and that a second opinion might result in better treatment. And I will be digging in and working on my own issues. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for being willing to understand!

acdc01
05-23-17, 09:26 PM
You don't seem like a bad person at all. You actually seem like a kind person to me.

I hope a change in meds helps your husband. If it doesnt, I do think you should reassess whether you'll be happier married or separated again.

sarahsweets
05-24-17, 09:38 AM
In response to some of the comments above. Yes, I have lost respect for him. He got fire from a twenty year position in 14. He was making good money. Now he works for about $18 an hour, even with a Masters. He was able to begin drawing on a retirement fund to cover the difference. Could I respect him again? Not under the present circumstances. And I realize that lack of respect has a lot to do with my impatience and apathy. Yes, we have three children but all are grown and gone. The money for the trip will not be a major expense, probably less than $1200. I know I probably sound really cold and *****y. I am not that bad in person, just needing a place to vent. I left Friday and spent the weekend with family. Had a great time. Did not want to come home.

I missed this part before.
What do you mean? Do you mean that at one point you had it but he lost it because he didnt do things the way you see fit? (just playing devils advocate here). Do you mean at one point he earned it but now he doesnt deserve it? What does respect mean to you and how would someone demonstrate deserving or losing respect?

finallyfound10
05-24-17, 01:17 PM
Hi hardtoforget,

First, welcome! This is a wonderful place for support! I am sorry that you and your husband are having serious problems. I am not married so I can only imagine how difficult this is. I'm glad you have a good support system in place.

Diagnosing someone with a personality disorder is very difficult and not always accurate so I am glad to see that your husband is going to see another psychiatrist as it will be a second opinion of sorts.

Also, I was shocked to see that his doctor gave him the letter you wrote "expressing concern about my husband's angry (and scary) outbursts and rages." I can't imagine that you gave him permission to that due given the subject matter but only wrote to him to get the whole story to him as patients tend to only tell parts of what is going on. (I've twice written to my dad's doctors on the sly with some success.) It could've turned out very badly for you and believe he would have to have had some culpability.

Good luck to you.

dvdnvwls
05-25-17, 06:59 PM
Writing to someone's doctor "on the sly" is a horrible thing to do, unless you are reporting a crime or a plan to commit a crime. Doctors should absolutely in every case break the trust of a person who has written to them about their patient for any other reason, by showing their patient what the person sent.

sarahsweets
05-26-17, 12:50 PM
Writing to someone's doctor "on the sly" is a horrible thing to do, unless you are reporting a crime or a plan to commit a crime. Doctors should absolutely in every case break the trust of a person who has written to them about their patient for any other reason, by showing their patient what the person sent.

I meant to address this as well. Writing or interfering with a doctor patient relationship can be the ultimate betrayal with the exception of a patient that wants to harm themselves or someone else.

finallyfound10
05-27-17, 03:17 PM
The reason that I wrote to my dad's doctor was that the whole truth wasn't being made known to the doctor to the great detriment to his health. I didn't feel like I was betraying anything and would do it again. There have been several times that family of one of my patients has let me as the nurse or MD or PA or NP know something that has helped with the treatment and care for their loved one.

kilted_scotsman
05-28-17, 06:50 AM
Writing or contacting a partner or possibly parents GP is often the only way to inform the GP of mental health issues. The problem with mental health is the patient is often either ashamed of the issue or unaware of its impact on others.

Dementia diagnoses frequently begin with the partner or close family members noticing something and mentioning it to the GP. The GP is then primed when the person makes an appointment.

One way of doing this is for the spouse/family member to make an appointment with the surgery and talk about their OWN anxiety around their spouse/family members behaviour. This route means the GP is informed about the situation, but is bound by confidentiality about where the information came from. GP's are usually good at working things into the conversation.

In the UK, sending a letter to the patients GP would mean the letter would be in the persons medical file. since we can request a copy of our medical notes, the letter could not be with-held from the patient.