View Full Version : Beyond My Breaking Point


jchill18
05-28-17, 08:33 PM
I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible. Been with husband about ten years, married for two. Knew he had ADHD almost from the start and also lived with him before we got married. I love him but sometimes I miss living by myself or wish that things had ended so I wouldn't be stuck where I am.

He refuses to medicate because he was overmedicated as a child and doesn't like the way it makes him feel (like a zombie) or some of the side effects. He is constantly losing his keys, wallet, phone, etc. I have made a sign on the back of the front door asking if he has these things and he has said it helps when he remembers to look at it. I also made a key rack but he rarely remembers to put his keys there.

If I move something to get it out of the way, he complains about me forgetting where I moved it. He has so much stuff and I think being with him is making my memory weaker so I find I am forgetting things a lot more than I used to. I fear that he is driving me to the point where my memory is getting as bad as he is.

The apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders. I try so hard to keep it clean and it was looking nice when I began to declutter. However, he has boxes of stuff everywhere that I tried to help him declutter but he never wants to do it. He wants to play video games, read, surf the net. If I get upset over the mess, he tunes me out or gets mad at me.

I can't live this way anymore. He ignores my requests to even do a small thing. Deadlines won't work. He thinks the idea of making it into a game is stupid. I try to clean but as soon as I finish one room to start another, he messes that one up and I feel like I get no where. I've tried only cleaning my living spaces and slowly his creep onto mine. I can't have company over. I'm ashamed to take pictures inside the house and often don't take any if it shows the mess in the background.

I also suffer from depression, OCD, possibly BPD and the constant mess doesn't help with any of that. He claims that when we have a real house he will be better but I don't believe him. Therapy isn't an option due to money. There are no free or low cost clinics near us--I've already looked many times.

This weekend I went to see my dad. When I got home, he had lost his original car keys. While he took a spare to get to work, he expected me to find the originals. I looked for an hour and they still are missing. He also tore apart a room I had cleaned before I left and when I said something about it, he got upset and hung up on me. I am about to just pack up all of my stuff into boxes minus necessities just to have SOME kind of control.

I've tried asking him to do one thing at a time. I've tried deadlines. I've tried to give him suggestions. Positive reinforcement. Rewards. Signs/Sticky Notes. Nothing works. He says Later, later, later. Tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow. I'm sick of it. I've tried very hard to help him find coping techniques but they just aren't working. I've been trying since we moved in together in 2010.

Update: While I was typing out this probably novel-length rant he called and said that tomorrow he is going to start cleaning in hopes of finding the keys. I'm not going to hold my breath but we'll see.

Do I just give up on having a normal life? Is it too much to ask for a place I can walk through? A place I can invite people over? I'm not asking for perfection. But when there are dirty dishes, dirty clothes, rotting food, beer bottles, places so disgusting that I flat out refuse to clean them because I am so sickened by them, what am I supposed to do?

I love him but the mess is too overwhelming. The expectation that I am supposed to be his mother is too much. I have thought of throwing all of his junk that doesn't sicken me into big boxes and just tuning him out when he gets mad that he can't find anything but the idea that I have to spend my time and energy on that makes me really angry. I feel like more of a mother than a wife. We also have pets and this isn't fair to them. I have already decided that I do not want kids and refuse to have them in this situation.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Do you have any tips? I don't want divorce to be an option and have tried so hard to find solutions but I'm really tired of being this unhappy. If you made it this far, you are awesome!

l_ruth_
05-28-17, 10:48 PM
Hey, Gina Pera's website about ADHD has articles about relationships.

Hope this may be of usefulness http://adhdrollercoaster.org/category/adhd-and-relationships/

I'm really sorry to hear about how things are going for you right now. :(

ginniebean
05-29-17, 02:39 AM
Sounds like nothing short of hell. Do what you need to take care of you.

sarahsweets
05-29-17, 08:05 AM
I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible. Been with husband about ten years, married for two. Knew he had ADHD almost from the start and also lived with him before we got married. I love him but sometimes I miss living by myself or wish that things had ended so I wouldn't be stuck where I am.

He refuses to medicate because he was overmedicated as a child and doesn't like the way it makes him feel (like a zombie) or some of the side effects. He is constantly losing his keys, wallet, phone, etc. I have made a sign on the back of the front door asking if he has these things and he has said it helps when he remembers to look at it. I also made a key rack but he rarely remembers to put his keys there.
When spouses with adhd refuse to try medication as adults I cant help wondering if they are committed to getting better or stuck in their ways. I am not saying that a spouse has a right to demand that their partner takes medication, but when it hasnt been tried and things are bad I think its a fair request.



The apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders. I try so hard to keep it clean and it was looking nice when I began to declutter. However, he has boxes of stuff everywhere that I tried to help him declutter but he never wants to do it. He wants to play video games, read, surf the net. If I get upset over the mess, he tunes me out or gets mad at me.

How long has this been going on? I am not saying its your fault but if you have sort of not set any tangible boundaries on what you are willing to tolerate as far as his disconnection to your marriage goes, he may have no motivation to change becaused he hasnt had any real consequences.

I can't live this way anymore. He ignores my requests to even do a small thing. Deadlines won't work. He thinks the idea of making it into a game is stupid. I try to clean but as soon as I finish one room to start another, he messes that one up and I feel like I get no where. I've tried only cleaning my living spaces and slowly his creep onto mine. I can't have company over. I'm ashamed to take pictures inside the house and often don't take any if it shows the mess in the background.

You shouldnt have to live this way. He is unwilling to try anything and is somehow comfortable dealing with life this way.

I also suffer from depression, OCD, possibly BPD and the constant mess doesn't help with any of that. He claims that when we have a real house he will be better but I don't believe him. Therapy isn't an option due to money. There are no free or low cost clinics near us--I've already looked many times.


Do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? What area do you live in? Not trying to be nosey but I am an excellent hunter and researcher and Id like to help you by checking some of my sources for help. You can pm me if you like.

This weekend I went to see my dad. When I got home, he had lost his original car keys. While he took a spare to get to work, he expected me to find the originals. I looked for an hour and they still are missing. He also tore apart a room I had cleaned before I left and when I said something about it, he got upset and hung up on me. I am about to just pack up all of my stuff into boxes minus necessities just to have SOME kind of control.

I've tried asking him to do one thing at a time. I've tried deadlines. I've tried to give him suggestions. Positive reinforcement. Rewards. Signs/Sticky Notes. Nothing works. He says Later, later, later. Tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow. I'm sick of it. I've tried very hard to help him find coping techniques but they just aren't working. I've been trying since we moved in together in 2010.

was this whole thing gradual or sudden?

Update: While I was typing out this probably novel-length rant he called and said that tomorrow he is going to start cleaning in hopes of finding the keys. I'm not going to hold my breath but we'll see.

Do I just give up on having a normal life? Is it too much to ask for a place I can walk through? A place I can invite people over? I'm not asking for perfection. But when there are dirty dishes, dirty clothes, rotting food, beer bottles, places so disgusting that I flat out refuse to clean them because I am so sickened by them, what am I supposed to do?

normally I see spouses that come on here bashing their partners over their adhd and I am defensive of those partners but this is too much for anyone. It would be different if he was getting help or medication but he is doing what he wants and you are suffering for it. Thats just no way to live. Honestly, I think you should tell him that if no progress is made on such and such a date you are throwing sh*t out. And do it. Do not get caught up in his fighting. If he freaks out just ignore it as noise. If he gets violent or physically aggressive, call the police but STICK TO THOSE GUNS. Get trash bags and boxes and do it. Take loads of stuff to a dumpster and keep on going. He can either help, stamp his foot and cry about it or ignore you but the end result is the same. you will be cleaning up.

I love him but the mess is too overwhelming. The expectation that I am supposed to be his mother is too much. I have thought of throwing all of his junk that doesn't sicken me into big boxes and just tuning him out when he gets mad that he can't find anything but the idea that I have to spend my time and energy on that makes me really angry. I feel like more of a mother than a wife. We also have pets and this isn't fair to them. I have already decided that I do not want kids and refuse to have them in this situation.

Feeling like a spouses mother is a bad place to be in. Its hard to come out of that role without the spouse being willing to participate. I think its wise that you do not have kids right now.
I know throwing his crap out makes you angry but hold that against your sanity. Angry or not you will be a part of the solution.
Remember, he may throw a fit but as long as it doesnt get violent you have to ignore it the way you would a toddler having a tantrum.

ToneTone
05-30-17, 09:49 PM
I am very suspicious of folks who don't even want to try medication. Try it and it doesn't work, fine. You've done some hard work ... Even then, I think people should try every last med out there.

Here's the thing: how he will feel now on a med may be totally different from how he felt as a kid. Not a good sign that he doesn't investigate his condition at all ...Heck, at different times of my life, I have thought Tylenol was the more effective pain reliever than Advil or Aleve. Now I prefer Aleve.

So our bodies change ... there are a number of medications out there ... if he was one one med, then he's ignoring that there are lots of others ... Plus, he's an adult now, and he could be assertive with the doctor and the doctor would adjust the med based on bad side effects.

You are in a seriously hard situation. Are you in therapy? You have got some serious decisions to make and ideally you need to be at the very top of your game. Your spouse is not helpful right now and doesn't take initiative and doesn't seem able to solicit and receive good feedback from his partner.

Tough situation. With a counselor, you can strengthen yourself ... come up with new possible strategies for reaching your spouse ... get support ... You are vulnerable to depression and bitterness and hopelessness in the current state. Counseling will remind you that you can shape your fate independent of him.

Good luck.

Tone