View Full Version : When the father is distressed the child is distressed.


mildadhd
06-01-17, 10:50 AM
Yesterday, I was discussing in a thread about obvious prenatal and postnatal adoption distress that both the mother and the infant must experience, from the adoption.

My intention was bring social awareness to the how the obvious distresses in adoption circumstance could have a negative impact on the mother's health and infants health/development.

Focusing on exposure to chronic distress chemicals of the adoption as possibly being non genetic factors or transcription factors in any inherited genetic predisposition that may be partial factors in a child getting ADHD.

Focusing on the research I read about, I was writing about when mothers are anxious and depressed, the infants also become anxious and depressed.(paraphrasing about recent thread discussion)

My intention in discussing the subjects was to raise social awareness in an attempt to reduce distresses the mothers and infants where experiencing.

(link to thread discussion) http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=185786

In the thread a very good friend of mine replied expressing how she felt about focusing/discussing the topic of distressed mothers, made her feel even more worse.

She expressed how men could not possibly understand the guilt and blame mothers felt about the subject.

Having emotional/mental health issues, myself I took offence that I as a male did not feel guilt at my own son experiencing distresses due to my own issues.

I felt like she was blaming me for the distresses women felt, when focusing on the fact that when the mothers are distressed the babies are distressed.

In my friends post, she finished her reply to me by saying it really bothers her that nobody focused on the men and there involvement in the distressful situations and the possible negative impact on the child's development. (paraphrasing my interpretation of the discussion)

I took great offence, and went off in a fit, feeling like I was the target of some feminist movement, and how women think men could not possibly feel guilty for any negative involvement in the child's development, (not sure if all men do, I think they do, but may repress feelings?), (I know I do feel guilty that my son might be learning bad my social skills, my bad school work habits, my addictive behaviors, my bad finacial approach, my lack of motivation, etc, due to me having ADHD) with my feelings hurt, I directed my anger at everyone (male and female for not trying to reduce adoption like distresses), told everyone to **** off for trying to derail a topic, because I am adopted and I am very passionate about and said goodbye, in a very immature manor.

All evening I paced back and forth in my home, angry that she could possibly be blaming me, when my prior intention on discussing the subjects of distressed mothers was to try help and promote support for women and children.

Tossing and turning in my sleep I was upset all night.

This morning I went for a walk, still ****** off and offended that I was the person to blame, in my mind.

Then I realized that the way I felt offended, guilty and blame, might be the way my friend was trying to explain to me, that mother's felt offended, guilt and blame.

What I was not realizing, was how much guilt and blame mothers might feel, when I was focusing discussions only on the distresses experienced by mothers in general, made the mothers feel guilt and blame, even when I had no intention to.

I really want to apologize to Peripatetic and all my other mother friends for not understanding your position. (and also I do not want to pretend I completely understand position)

This thread is meant to focus on when the father is distressed the child is distressed, and how that can have a negative on the child's development.


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Fuzzy12
06-02-17, 07:28 PM
I always thought you focused on the mother because of 1. Pregnancy and 2. post natally the mother is usually the primary caregiver. If she isn't then I always assumed what you sis cussed would concern whoever is the primary caregiver (apart from pregnancy related effects)

Is there any other reason?

One interesting thing I read a few months ago is that the extent of involvement of the father at 3 months old affects their cognitive abilities at 2 years. I think. I don't remember the details (:rolleyes:) but it was something like the more the dad played with a baby that's 3 months old tge better was their cognitive competence at a certain age. Another study I believe links mental health in girls and how involved their dads are.

So I'm guessing if the father is distressed then they might not be able to get so involved or play as much with their babies which in turn might hurt their development.

The interesting thing in that study was that it related specifically to fathers (rather than partner or second most important caregiver rtc). It was something about men on average playing more vigorously and less cautiously with their babies

Lunacie
06-02-17, 07:56 PM
My father had a terrible example in his own father from some stories I've heard.
Added to which my father was just out of WWII and had some serious PTSD.
Not the greatest father in the world, not someone I could talk to about anything.
Did it affect me? I believe so.

mildadhd
06-03-17, 01:56 AM
I always thought you focused on the mother because of 1. Pregnancy and 2. post natally the mother is usually the primary caregiver. If she isn't then I always assumed what you sis cussed would concern whoever is the primary caregiver (apart from pregnancy related effects)




I completely agree, I do not think there would be any physiological difference in regard to the infant possibly being abnormally chronically anxious, depressed or distressed in anyway, if the father (or anyone else) was the abnormally chronically distressed "primary mothering figure" (for lack of better words) after birth.

And just because the father cannot carry the infant until birth, does not rule out the fact that the father may be a major contributing factor in some way, in the abnormal chronic prenatal (or postnatal) distresses the mother (and infant) experience.

Something many men might not be aware of, but should be.


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mildadhd
06-03-17, 02:21 AM
I really wish men could carry and give birth, then maybe we would understand better and not be such a possible source of such pains.



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mildadhd
08-11-17, 05:03 PM
When the father is distressed, the mother is distressed.






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sarahsweets
08-12-17, 05:53 AM
I took great offence, and went off in a fit, feeling like I was the target of some feminist movement,
Those feminists are crazy!

mildadhd
08-12-17, 08:07 PM
Those feminists are crazy!

Except when dictated by Mother Nature, I think men are as capable, and should be held as responsible for being the primary parenting figures.





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peripatetic
08-12-17, 09:27 PM
In my friends post, she finished her reply to me by saying it really bothers her that nobody focused on the men and there involvement in the distressful situations and the possible negative impact on the child's development. (paraphrasing my interpretation of the discussion)

i truly appreciate (and appreciated back then) your apology. thank you xx

one thing i do hope you saw, but, based on the above, fear you didn't...

this is how i ended my post:

i am so glad that you had her and reached out. i would be there for you in any way i could and i hope and trust you know that. i'm sorry that you've struggled. that sucks. that super sucks. i hear you and i have nothing but love for you. xx here: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1950144&postcount=75

and i meant that part, too.

i appreciate that you started this thread. i agree that fathers can be primary caregivers and also do understand why one might focus on the woman's role (most researchers seem to, too).

my situation is basically the opposite of luna's. my father was the stable and remains the solid one and was definitely my main caregiver. my mum was not stable and died in my teens of her own doing. but my father being awesome my whole life is why i'm as functional as i am today, for certain.

mildadhd
08-13-17, 07:46 PM
i truly appreciate (and appreciated back then) your apology. thank you xx

one thing i do hope you saw, but, based on the above, fear you didn't...

this is how i ended my post:

here: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1950144&postcount=75

and i meant that part, too.

i appreciate that you started this thread. i agree that fathers can be primary caregivers and also do understand why one might focus on the woman's role (most researchers seem to, too).

my situation is basically the opposite of luna's. my father was the stable and remains the solid one and was definitely my main caregiver. my mum was not stable and died in my teens of her own doing. but my father being awesome my whole life is why i'm as functional as i am today, for certain.


When the nations are distressed, their children are distressed.

Individual specifics depend on temperament and circumstances.






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peripatetic
08-13-17, 08:40 PM
When the nations are distressed, their children are distressed.

Individual specifics depend on temperament and circumstances.






M

sorry topics,

you lost me here. nations? i am not seeing how this is a reply to my post... please connect the dots for me :) xx

-questions