View Full Version : I'm trying really hard to believe I'm just lazy


lazyadhdiness
06-01-17, 04:13 PM
But it is so, so dificult. Like, really ******* hard.

I've shown ADHD symptoms since my 5th grade times. I've always found it hard to focus on a classroom. I would wander off really hard, start playing with the calculator/whatever material I had, start drawing lines over and over again in blank pages, daydream about whatever subject my mind would think about, talk to my deskmate, etc.

I was also moderately hyperactive. I was sometimes flagged for inappropriate behaviour because I would laugh really hard, or I would talk nonstop, or I would have been impulsive, et cetera. I can recall those behaviours quite vividly.

Also, I always had difficulties studying. Over the course of my entire life, the amount of time I could study properly was, maxs, 1 hour. I can't honestly recall if I ever managed to focus for longer than that. If there wasn't a computer on my room, or a smartphone, I would play chess against myself, "read" books about whatever subject my eyes would come to, I would go out and grab me some food and eat, I would go to sleep or lay on bed, I would daydream. Everything but actually studying.

When my parents stop keeping tabs on me as much (I was pressured by them to have good marks, otherwise, and acoording to them, I would fail in life, so they made me study everyday by x amount of time), I went downhills and went from "studying" a little to not studying at all. My focus on classrooms became even more ****ty because my class was quite noisy, made a lot of jokes and I spent a lot of time laughing at them. I could ignore them if I made an active mental effort, but overall it was quite hard to ignore and I would eventually start laughing at one of them. Needless to say, that put me into a lot of trouble.

Also: I'm very forgetful and I the only things I don't lose on a weekly basis are my smartphone, wallet and the internet hotspot (I value these quite a lot so I've managed to not lose them as much). Even so, sometimes and more often than the average, I lose stuff on my wallet (like cards and such) and I actually lose my wallet too, and although that is rare, I lose it more often than the average person. I lost things on my purse (pens, pencils, erasers, sharpeners) at an alarming rate. The same applies for other materials.

To end this list: I'm swingy and I can go from normal to angry quickly. I'm very impulsive and I often do or say the wrong things and that sometimes gets me into trouble. I have trouble managing my emotions (I had to unbind my enter key on League of Legends in order to prevent myself from flaming, due to this), and I'm very fidgety, I bounce my legs all the time to the point that, sometimes, I don't even notice I'm doing that. Even teachers notice I do that a lot.

The behaviours were always there... Quite honestly... But I'm trying really hard to believe maybe I'm just lazy...... Only recently I've started to worry about all of this because I'm reaching that point where intelligence isn't going to cut it and I'm going to fail on the finals... And I feel powerless... I try to study and it feels like torture, it feels like carrying packs of bricks on your back... I can't focus for more than 30-60 minutes, even when I'm watching shows I'm like that, I open YouTube and start browsing the Internet just because I'm "done" for a while... So try to imagine what happens when I try to study, it couldn't get any worse and I feel terrible for that, and it feels like I don't have willpower to change that... It feels like... I can't change that... And it is even worse when it's about something I don't like/I don't know.

Adding insult to the injury, my mom doesn't believe I could ever have ADHD and I only need to try harder, that the will of wanting to do is greater than anything else... And well, those affirmations only make me worse becuase the only thing they do is make me more depressed thinking about the fact that maybe I'm just like that, lazy. Maybe I don't really have anything. And due to the fact that my parents don't want to believe that ADHD is a possibility, getting a potential diagnosis is going to be very hard. I'll be seeing a psychologist next week and bring all of this to him, but I don't know if that is going to help in any sort of way.

I'm tired from writing this post so feel free to ask me more questions if you want me to, but if you guys could give me your insight I would really appreciate it... Also I have Aspergers and I've read on the internet that comorbidity with ADD/ADHD is very high, like between 30%-80%. So yeah, that's it... Thank you if you read this far.

psychopathetic
06-01-17, 10:14 PM
(((((((Bro Hug)))))))

That really stinks about your mom(both parents?) not being open to the idea that it could be adhd...but rather it's just flaws in your character. That these things are fully in your control, and that you just "need to try harder". Bleh...that one's tough. To be told we need to get over ourselves and just do better. Work harder.
People don't get that our "Just do it!" button in our heads are a bit wonky and broken. It's not that simple for us at all. There's a big distance most the time for us with ADD/ADHD between the idea of doing something, and the action of doing that something. And inbetween the 2, is a bunch of thick mud and sludge we have to move our way through.
It's not easy, and we come across as being slow.
But they don't get that we struggle so badly. They can't physically witness anything wrong with us...they start making assumptions to try to make sense of things for themselves. We all strive for that. A better understanding of what we don't already understand.

And dang...It's easy to blame it on laziness.
Not just for others...it's easy for them to see how slow and sluggish we are, and to deem us lazy because of it. Like I said...they can't see that thick difficult mud we have to crawl through...they don't get why we're so damn slow. It's just an easy concept to picture for them and to attach to us. You're not doing your school work cause you're too lazy! Or you're not performing your job quick enough because you're being too lazy!! It's just an easy answer for them. An easy way to explain us away to themselves.

...But...it's also easy for us to blame it on laziness. Well...at least it is for me.
It's such a simple word. Lazy. It's something everyone understands. Everyone knows what laziness is.
So when someone asks me something like..."Why didn't you get your homework done?"...instead of fumbling on words and impossible to explain explanations...it's super easy to just blurt out..."Because I was too lazy!" or something. It's an easy way to get people to back off.
Most people don't get us. A lot of people (like your mom) have attitudes about this kind of thing that only lead to us feeling ashamed and worse off. So instead of really trying to explain what's really going on with us...trying to get people to understand...it's just easier to say "I'm lazy.".

Of course it isn't healthy to call ourselves lazy. And we know...it's FAR more than simple laziness. Sure we might have some laziness in us...who doesn't? But we also know darn well that there's WAY more to the story than us being lazy.
And calling our self lazy drains our self esteem/confidence. And telling people we're lazy can make us feel horrid because it's a lie and it only creates more of a distance between us...and their understanding of us.
And oh boy do we crave to be understood! :(

...
I'm really glad you wrote this all up! I hope you find all the help you're looking for. You sure deserve it! Maybe after you've seen a professional and get a proper diagnosis (assuming you don't already have one?) your mother will come around and be more accepting of it? That'd sure be nice.

Also, welcome to the forums! I hope to hear more from you!

And sorry for my long reply. lol sometimes I talk/type too much! >.<'

lazyadhdiness
06-02-17, 02:24 AM
Thank you very much for the kind words! I was never diagnosed. I've only recently started to connect the dots that might, or not, indicate something...

Like I say, several of these problems started to surface when I was between 9 and 11, I don't recall anymore if I had symptoms before that. Maybe I had a few concentration issues as a child... But that is every one of them, right?

But, regardless of that, I'll be speaking to a psychologist and bring those issues. Maybe he can enlighten me, whatever the way he does that...

Cyllya
06-03-17, 04:07 PM
I've noticed a lot of a us have issues with the "initiation of tasks" aspect of executive functioning and this results in a weird urge to not do things. (Autism/Asperger's seem to be susceptible to this too, even without other attention issues, but I've started to feel like ASD is just ADHD + more problems, so....)

With this problem, it takes a lot of willpower to make yourself do required tasks, and activities requiring mental effort are further difficult because, if you're using all your concentration on forcing yourself to do the task, you have no concentration left for the task itself.

I have found that ADHD medication helps with this... but I still have to set life up to do as little as possible.

Besides an ADHD treatment, your best bet might be to meet with the instructor and get help learning the material. When you think about it, if you're taking classes that have an actual instructor (as opposed to a correspondence class), it's the teacher's job to actually teach you, not just provide you materials to homeschool yourself. When you actually understand the material, very little studying should be necessary. If you don't have an instructor or your instructor is uncooperative, you might try a tutor?

But, regardless of that, I'll be speaking to a psychologist and bring those issues. Maybe he can enlighten me, whatever the way he does that...

Not sure if things are different in Portugal, but you will probably have better luck with a psychiatrist. (Psychiatry is a branch of medicine and psychiatrists can prescribe medication. Psychologists can do some expensive assessments to rule out learning disorders and listen to you talk about your feelings.) A general practitioner might also work.

sarahsweets
06-03-17, 04:23 PM
Adding insult to the injury, my mom doesn't believe I could ever have ADHD and I only need to try harder, that the will of wanting to do is greater than anything else... And well, those affirmations only make me worse becuase the only thing they do is make me more depressed thinking about the fact that maybe I'm just like that, lazy. Maybe I don't really have anything. And due to the fact that my parents don't want to believe that ADHD is a possibility, getting a potential diagnosis is going to be very hard. I'll be seeing a psychologist next week and bring all of this to him, but I don't know if that is going to help in any sort of way.

Have you directed your mom to information about adhd? Does she know anything other than the 'hyper little boy' part? As far as getting a diagnosis, its not mandatory that you have parental input or school reports. I mean, its helpful but ultimately your healthcare is your private business.