View Full Version : Husband and ADD
08-29-03, 12:10 PM
Reading these posts helps a little :) and these forums appear to be more active than some others I have visited.
I've been trying to get my husband to get evaluated for ADHD--but no luck. Just today he, once again, told me that I am the one with a problem and I need help.
Our daughter was evaluated yesterday and we are awaiting the results--I'm almost positive she is ADHD--she spent most of the initial interview with her arms up in the air and me making sure she didn't fall out of her chair.
My husband yanked the eval forms out of my hands (and the pen) several times to scribble over the ones I had circled wrong and put a line through. I can't stand it any more...and that was a little thing.
When I'm driving, he has his leg hopping up and down making the car rock and has one hand on my leg rubbing it raw. I just want to scream "STOP". But, again, I am the one with the problems--I am crazy, there is nothing wrong with him--it's all me--and all I do is complain and blame him.
He has cheated on me in the past, goes out to the bars at least once or twice a week, comes in during the wee hours, has no regard for disturbing my sleep ( my job requires that I get up before 6 a.m.) has been hospitalized for suicidal behavior, has been on anti depressants--but the last doctor "says he is OK and needs nothing else"--that's what he tells me anyway. But his profession has trained him to be mighty slick and tell people what they want to hear. He won't go to his partners to ask for a cost of living raise to his monthly paycheck--I play "robbing Peter to pay Paul" on a monthly basis. I come home from work and he is either on the computer or in front of the TV--he does help with the laundry and dishes--but we've lived in our house for 12 years and have only the most basic of furniture and no hope of ever getting this house in a condition that I can have friends over.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling on here...I'm just at the end of my rope.
Thanks for letting me vent
08-29-03, 12:34 PM
Come vent any time Kathy... you sound like you could use some support!
Unfortunately, there is no way to force someone to accept help or to try to change. I wish I had some advice for your husband situation, as the way he is sounds absolutely intolerable...
In a sense your husband is partially correct. You do need help and support dealing with him and understanding him. I'm sure that your husband does feel as though all you do it criticiize him.
When you speak to your husband about things try using "I messages". Tell him that his behaviors affect you. Like with the sleep issue don't tell him he needs to let you sleep. Say something like "When you come in late at night it's very on on me and I really need my sleep to be able to be able to get up for work early".
Timing is also important when discussing things. When you discuss something with him when you are upset he might automatically tune you out. When we feel like we are being criticized something we just shut down. It's like a defense mechinism.
Paul is right too you can't force your husband to accpept that he may have ADD or to change him. In many cases it makes it worse for us to accept things if we feel people are pushing things at us.
08-29-03, 02:04 PM
So perhaps one thing to do is casually lay some ADD materials around your home where he may see them (i.e. in the bathroom or beside his bed).....heck he may look at this stuff while you're not "looking" just out of curiousity.....Ya know materials such as stuff off of websites, books, etc.
And another is focus on what you CAN do...i.e. self-care and taking care of your daughter.....if she gets a final diagnosis, you have every right to get her meds and make sure she takes them...if you so choose to go this route with her......but self-care is important right now......and getting support from girlfriends, etc. as well......do you have supportive family members?...and I would not drive with your husband....sounds dangerous!
08-29-03, 02:06 PM
Thanks guys---I do tell him the "I" stuff. Like with his late hours, I tell him that I need to get up early in the morning and I really need to get some sleep, but the banging around and turning on all the lights isn't helping with that. I work for the post office and my days are long and physically demanding-- I often go to work to get away from the house--that's between you all and our counselor!
Oh yes, I can't push him to do anything--he is an absolute brick. Tuning out he is excellent at--when the kids were babies, I was petrified to leave the house because he had no clue what they were doing, needing changed diapers, etc.
I've tried the list thing, even to the point of just putting one thing on the list....won't do it...won't get his car taken care of, doesn't understand why I don't want the kids riding in it....the list goes on and on.
In discussing hot topics with him--I try to sit on them for a couple of days to really think them out the right way and to cool off---don't you know, he wants me to do it immediately? Then all he does is scream and follow me around the house when I say leave me alone--he can't let something drop---he has to be right and verbally beat it out of me and then swear up and down that he never said the things he does. Makes me wish I had video surveillance in every room in the house!
At least my daughter is accepting that this is her burden to bear for herself and something to work on. I gave her a book written for kids with ADHD--she cried and hugged me and said, yes, mom, I think I do have that.
I hope that in getting my daughter started down a different road may be a help--at least in dealing with her and for her to deal with everything.
Tara--I like your "try differently" handle..Gosh, how many times have I said that!
Thanks again guys--I guess I should get back to cleaning up for the gazillionth time this week.
08-29-03, 02:10 PM
I dunno about the 'dropping hints' approach. I think that may just annoy him if he has his hackles up already.
Is he someone you can negotiate with? I didn't think my parents would support me (they don't believe I have ADD), so I quite simply bargained with them. They agreed to read ADD Success Stories... it didn't change their viewpoint, but they said they thought they understood better what I thought about myself. (hehehe, their attempt at diplomacy. :D )
Is there any favour you can offer your husband if he agrees to get evaluated to "humor you"?
P.S. if you want to take the subtle (ahem devious) route instead... why not go to someone who is capable of evaluating your husband... and tell your husband you are going for yourself... and then (with that someone's cooperation) come back saying that the evaluator also wants your husband's opinion and perspective? The evaluator could then get some exposure to your husband and ask him some questions comparing himself to you...
Even if your husband doesn't get the message, and doesn't want to hear it, your evaluator can tell YOU some more of what you need to know about him then.
08-29-03, 02:12 PM
Joan--you are so right about leaving the materials around the house. I've got Driven to Distraction laying on top of the TV---What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't right here on the computer table, sadly, he refuses to look at them and when he says he has--he says it's not him.
I take a landscape painting class, when it's in session---he has said why am I taking that, I don't need to do that. Ha! I need my sanity! I belong to a quilt guild that meets once a month--that night he knows he'd better be home or else. Otherwise, by the end of the day, I'm pooped.
08-29-03, 02:12 PM
Oh and cheers and congratulations on being a good parent to your daughter. :D :D :D Sounds like you are exactly what she needs, especially with a father who is not providing an ideal example!
08-29-03, 03:29 PM
Thanks Paul :) actually, as I type, I'm waiting to hear from the doctor. Our counselor and I are trying the "backdoor" attempt at getting my husband evaluated--the doctor was supposed to have been made aware of this the other day. The problem is that my husband is a lawyer and is trained to know what to say or not to say as pertains to the situation. He knows just enough about ADHD to make this a bit of a sticky situation. He is also used to demanding and getting his own way--grew up like that too because it was easier--my in laws have admitted to giving up on him because he was so difficult and constantly getting into trouble at school (F's in conduct, straight A's otherwise). Although, at other times, he just sits and looks at people like a deer in headlights.
I just want to thank you all for being here--I can't tell you how much that means to me. I haven't had a lot of time to make my own friends where we live--this isn't my home town--and of course, how do you explain living like Bohemians when you are in your 40's???
08-29-03, 03:45 PM
That's a hard one on my wife too, she hates that we aren't well to do and our house is such a disaster, she has a great deal of pride which our ADD is shoving down... :(
08-29-03, 05:23 PM
Originally posted by mamawama
The problem is that my husband is a lawyer and is trained to know what to say or not to say as pertains to the situation. He knows just enough about ADHD to make this a bit of a sticky situation. He is also used to demanding and getting his own way--grew up like that too because it was easier--my in laws have admitted to giving up on him because he was so difficult and constantly getting into trouble at school (F's in conduct, straight A's otherwise).
Well no kidding, an attorney......I just dated one for a short while......an admittedly ADD and treated wonderful man....and the best relationship I ever had.........
and some of the conversations we used to have describe exactly what he was like before he was willing to get treated....(of course he got treated AFTER law school but before the first job)....but he described himself similar to the way you describe your husband....and unfortunately NOBODY could make him deal with the ADD until he wanted to...and he could easily talk himself out of any "sticky" situation just by saying the right things or what he knew people wanted to hear....so like your husband he knew enough about ADD to get away with everything when confronted....and of course he got straight A's in everything including law school....
What changed for him....his denial broke and he knew he wasn't being as affective at work and with the clients....and he came see to see just how much he was driving his ex-wife nuts....
He would tell me all the time lawyers are the most stubborn people there are...and on the outside, they appear charasmatic, brilliant and having it all together.....but at home is where there were the problems for him too....he drove his ex-wife nuts....just like you. He looks back on those times with sadness.....WE broke up, by the way for religious reasons, nothing to do with his ADD...
Anyway, hang in there.....you've got a tough situation here....something will give eventually though....hopefully sooner than later....
08-30-03, 06:00 AM
I don't mind not being well to do, but I do mind trying to do the manual labor here by myself...and then having to keep running to deal with the kids.
I spoke with the doctor and he said what I thought would be the situation...just have to hope he develops enough of a trust with the doctor to talk to him.
He also said that my daughter's CPT was looking like the average kid. We'll see what else is going on--it's making me wonder if there is something else. I just watch her take hours to get ready for bed( among other things) and me running up and down the stairs to keep her on task--this is a daily thing and it's been going on for years.
Well, I must finish getting ready for work--I have a long day ahead of me and it's supposed to be very hot.
08-30-03, 09:54 AM
Kathy: Your daugher may indeed have something else, perhaps related to ADD but not ADD......the symptoms you describe certainly sound extreme......If you don't get the answers you are looking for after while from the doctor, I would try another doctor.