View Full Version : Dear Parents


ginniebean
06-03-17, 04:59 PM
I don't want to come across as any sort of know it all because I can and am as ignorant as everyone else can be.

Watching over the past several months so much angst over parenting young children, the fear of not being "good enough" or right enough or any of the other enoughs. I am reminded of the self torture I put myself thru as a young mother.

The good news is imperfect love, imperfect patience, imperfect attentiveness, imperfect being is not going to destroy your child. Each of us are in some way victims of victims of victims. Some more than others.

I am not addressing this to parents who are abusers, they need bigger medicine than any of us can provide.

Both my children are over 30 now and my role from now on is to butt out and not do anything. Parenting was a massive struggle for me, taking my kids to the park, hated it all the way there and back. My kids needed many things I didn't enjoy. Patience was a virtue i could have used a lot more of. It's true that our children pay the price for our failures which is unfair and it is this which parents torture themselves over.

We're doing the best we can with what we have and no, there is no point going into some esoteric introspection on thr meaning of the word "best".

If you are able to love and show love, give attention and playfulness and delight in the moments of your childs life. If you will protect them from injuries and hurts of many kinds, you're doing just fine. Your children would be horrified to know how you're beating yourself up. They love you and adore you. See, for a couple of minutes, what they see, and honour that vision. Honour you as parent and tell the insidious guilty critical voices to go - - - - themselves.

Sorry if this sounded preachy or dismissive it's not meant that way.

dvdnvwls
06-03-17, 05:12 PM
I can't find anything preachy or dismissive in what you wrote, and I'm the type who detests those things.

I might add, if I may, that any parent who's crippling themselves with doubt over their own abilities would automatically become a much better parent if they could find some way to drop their guilt and self-doubt, and to take all the time and energy they once used in beating themselves up and spend it with their kids instead. Everyone would be better off without the guilt and doubt - not just parents and children but all of society.

sarahsweets
06-04-17, 06:46 AM
Thank you Ginniebean for reminding me I do not need to be perfect.

ginniebean
06-04-17, 12:02 PM
Dvd, one of the problems is the social flogging that parents get. It is a world wide hobby to crotique parents, and that is the most vulnerable job, emotionally speaking that any of us will ever have. All of these negative messages get sent and internalized before you even have kids.

Kids and thankfully so, are wonderfully resilliant, and yes, some do get broken by life. Most, don't. Most have loving and imperfect parents, who have fears and insecurities for good reason.

We are extra vulneravle as parents because to a man and woman here, we are ****** up, we bear stigmatized lives. We have mental disorders and illnesses. We cime pre-made with self doubt.

Maybe our parents had these and similar problems, we said we wouldn't be like them. We'd raise the magical, archetypal child in health and abundance. i know I did.

But we are not the archetypal mother goddess, or god and we fail to reach such lofty heights. Comparing ourselves to figments.


On a forum like this, we're open to bltheame, partners, and slef loathing rules. There is so much advice on how to be a better adhd'er, better parents of adhd'ers, better partners with adhd, better employess and friends. Again, all measured against the mythical prototype of the adhd'er who cares enough to change in revolutionary ways who they are.

This cohort is so excessively vulnerable and the words of encouragement and praise are sparse.

You're right, we would all be better off without the guilt. Yet, we have so much of it. Supporting each other even tho we come her burdened with a lifetime of guilt and shame is what we need to do for each other because as much as we want it, guilt and shame have a verrry nasty habit of not going anywhere.

I need to hear, you need to hear, and everyone needs to hear.. You are doing ok, you are not a danger to everyone's well being. You're doing fine. Unless it's extreme, unless we truly are damaging others with abuse. And the vast vast majority of us are not.

Having a mental illness/disorder is not an abuse of others. It's a complication and children, who love and just want to be loved, will have our complicated selved in their lives and they'll be fine and well.

This subject has always been important to me. Healthy, happy children need parents who are supported thru their complications. That is just life.

ginniebean
06-04-17, 12:04 PM
Thank you Ginniebean for reminding me I do not need to be perfect.

You have been a star sarah. Showing how to love and parent all over this board for years.You arr fantastic.Thank you lovely lady.

ginniebean
06-04-17, 12:23 PM
Sorry my typing is terrible and my phone has a nasty habit of jumping around.

mildadhd
06-04-17, 04:09 PM
Dear Parents

Children (and adults) who are diagnosed with ADHD, are usually born with more emotionally sensitive temperaments to emotional distresses.

Meaning that situations that do not seem emotionally distressful to children (and adults) who are not born with more emotionally sensitive temperaments, will possibly be emotionally distressful to children (and adults) diagnosed with ADHD.

I am not focusing on abusive situations, although abuse would definitely make things worse.

I am focusing on understanding the benefits of being aware of the possible differences in inherited temperaments.

And how accommodating for children (and adults) who are born with more emotionally sensitive temperaments, will help promote healthy brain development of children (and adults) who are most likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.

Lessening emotional distresses due to being born/inheriting a more emotionally sensitive temperament whenever possible is the goal.

"Keeping a healthy attachment bond first and foremost" (between the primary caregiver and child), is the best way to accommodate and lessen any child's emotional distresses.



m

Fuzzy12
06-23-17, 07:03 PM
Ginnie I appreciate the words and that you are trying to make parents feel better and worry less but I can't really worry less. Telling me not to worry is like telling me to pay attention. I can't do it and I feel bad that I can't do it.

I dont worry because I think it's a good thing. I don't worry out of choice.

(Also.saying that worrying has a detrimental effect on the kids or that I'd be a better parent if I didn't worry so much about it doesn't really make me stop worrying either. In fact it just makes me feel worse. I know worrying isn't good for them. So guess what I do: I worry about them.)

The one thing that does help with worrying and all the stress though is to be able to talk about it here. I do feel bad and guilty though about posting so much about fuzzling and our issues and worries. Maybe most of them are trivial and not worth worrying about but I still worry and still would like to write about them without having to worry that I'm annoyingh everyone or coming across as neurotic

Caco3girl
06-26-17, 10:52 AM
There is worrying using your inside voice and worrying with your outside voice...it's the outside voice that is detrimental to children.

Growing up with a worrying parent is HORRIBLE! I'm fairly confident that if my mom could have put me in a huge plastic bubble she would have. This resulted in:

1. Me not knowing pop culture references, because I couldn't watch normal television like my friends because my mom thought I might get bad ideas with their poor values.

2. Me not living, I was enduring, so when I got to college and was finally out from under my mothers thumb I went CRAZY...I drank, I partied, I skipped classes...it was so freeing I was enjoying every minute of it! Once I got put on academic probation I did manage to calm down but it was tough and it was a close call.

3. I didn't know how to do basic things. I couldn't cook, I mean I could burn myself so why would my mom let me cook? I didn't know how to do dishes, because you know what if I didn't clean them right and we all got sick? I didn't know how to do laundry, because what if I mixed up the colors and we all had pink socks, we couldn't afford to go buy more socks, so it was better if I didn't do that. Couldn't go roller skating, what if I fell and broke my arm? Couldn't stay out past dark (even while in high school) because after dark is when the criminals come out (we lived in white picket fence suburbs), on the rare occasions I was allowed out due to a dance, or to have a sleep over my mom made sure I knew that she had the phones turned up as loud as they could go and a change of clothes she could put on quickly just in case I got in trouble and needed her (seriously, she showed me the clothes on the chair in her bedroom). I couldn't get the newest toys/clothes/gadgets because that made me a target for criminals who would see them and attack me for them.

In short, my mom was so busy protecting me from the pedophiles, things that could hurt me, bad influences, and the things I could possibly screw up that would affect us all, I didn't know how to be an adult, and I was afraid of everything! Thankfully I had great college friends who taught me...but it would have been much better if I had been allowed to grow up and not had to deal with my mothers constant worrying of What if's! My friends had their major oops moments growing up, but that was how they learned to be who they were. I had no real knowledge of the world and that's dangerous!

I know I still hear my mother's voice in my head and it affects greatly what I let my kids do but I'm working very hard on letting them live, make their own mistakes, and learn the world.

Fuzzy12
06-26-17, 03:40 PM
Was this directed at me? I know that it's not fun growing up with an over protective and over worried parent. I also know that i post a lot, probably too much, about my concerns regarding fuzzling but I'm not planning to restrict fuzzling in any way just because of my worries. On the contrary. I'm actually trying really hard not to do this.

I'm sorry if this thread is supposed to be anti parent shaming and flogging. It feels to me like the exact opposite.

There is worrying using your inside voice and worrying with your outside voice...it's the outside voice that is detrimental to children.

Growing up with a worrying parent is HORRIBLE! I'm fairly confident that if my mom could have put me in a huge plastic bubble she would have. This resulted in:

1. Me not knowing pop culture references, because I couldn't watch normal television like my friends because my mom thought I might get bad ideas with their poor values.

2. Me not living, I was enduring, so when I got to college and was finally out from under my mothers thumb I went CRAZY...I drank, I partied, I skipped classes...it was so freeing I was enjoying every minute of it! Once I got put on academic probation I did manage to calm down but it was tough and it was a close call.

3. I didn't know how to do basic things. I couldn't cook, I mean I could burn myself so why would my mom let me cook? I didn't know how to do dishes, because you know what if I didn't clean them right and we all got sick? I didn't know how to do laundry, because what if I mixed up the colors and we all had pink socks, we couldn't afford to go buy more socks, so it was better if I didn't do that. Couldn't go roller skating, what if I fell and broke my arm? Couldn't stay out past dark (even while in high school) because after dark is when the criminals come out (we lived in white picket fence suburbs), on the rare occasions I was allowed out due to a dance, or to have a sleep over my mom made sure I knew that she had the phones turned up as loud as they could go and a change of clothes she could put on quickly just in case I got in trouble and needed her (seriously, she showed me the clothes on the chair in her bedroom). I couldn't get the newest toys/clothes/gadgets because that made me a target for criminals who would see them and attack me for them.

In short, my mom was so busy protecting me from the pedophiles, things that could hurt me, bad influences, and the things I could possibly screw up that would affect us all, I didn't know how to be an adult, and I was afraid of everything! Thankfully I had great college friends who taught me...but it would have been much better if I had been allowed to grow up and not had to deal with my mothers constant worrying of What if's! My friends had their major oops moments growing up, but that was how they learned to be who they were. I had no real knowledge of the world and that's dangerous!

I know I still hear my mother's voice in my head and it affects greatly what I let my kids do but I'm working very hard on letting them live, make their own mistakes, and learn the world.

sarahsweets
06-27-17, 03:14 AM
Fuzzy, I swear that Ive only mastered the idea of letting some things go since I got sober but I try and look at things by how much my worrying will change the events that will occur or have occurred. What I mean is... fuzzlling is a baby now so excess worrying about what pre-school will be like for her and if you pick the right one, or what she will study in college is just wasted effort. I mean that your worrying about those things now will have very little impact on what she does study in college or what she will be like in pre-school. So its sort of like wasting your energy. Worrying if fuzzling's sniffles will turn into an ear infection, or wondering what kind of cream to use for a nappy rash is worth spending time thinking about. Sure they arent the end of the world type of things but there are all new mother things to worry about so it makes sense. Plus as a new mom you seek advice AND get advice all the time even when you dont ask for it so its alot to take in. I still remember someone telling me that a little beer while pregnant was good for me! And this wasnt in the 1800's this was like 15 years ago.

If someone doesnt like the fact that you share your concerns to much tell them to f**k off. This is a support forum and you are looking for support. I cant say that you will always like the support you receive or the answers you get, but there is nothing wrong with asking, and so what if you ask the same thing more than one time? People can just not read your posts if they have an issue with it.

You are a new mom. Every new parent worries too much because-guess what? You have a human that you are responsible for and thats scary and you have never done it before.
The issue is worrying in the "right" way.
You have to give yourself a fair amount of worry time. Give yourself permission to worry and "go there" with your thoughts but try and keep it to a certain amount of general time or a time of day, It makes it more constructive rather than destructive. If your worrying interferes with your ability to care for your baby, gives you horrible fears and crippling anxiety-or if you are unable to make any sort of decision or choice or are a danger to the baby-thats when you need professional help.

Try to look at the energy you do have for things other than caring for the baby as a bank. You make withdrawals from the bank to do certain things like thinking, cleaning, bathing, etc. The amount of energy you need to withdrawal from the bank to worry is already high and if you dont "spend" that energy wisely you will overdraw your account.

Was this directed at me? I know that it's not fun growing up with an over protective and over worried parent. I also know that i post a lot, probably too much, about my concerns regarding fuzzling but I'm not planning to restrict fuzzling in any way just because of my worries. On the contrary. I'm actually trying really hard not to do this.

I'm sorry if this thread is supposed to be anti parent shaming and flogging. It feels to me like the exact opposite.

Fuzzy12
06-27-17, 06:06 AM
This feels like an intervention now but I guess I started it. I just wanted to say that it's not easy to just stop worrying even if you know it's futile and doesn't help anyone or, worse, affects others negatively though I don't sit and cry all day long neglecting everything else while I indulge in a good old bout of worrying. I feel a bit like an idiot now and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Maybe I'll start a thread on worrying though. It's an interesting topic.

Or maybe I'll just go and tell someone in another thread that they should just start paying attention because 1. There's no advantage to not paying attention, 2. They will hurt their loved ones if they don't pay attention and 3. It's fine as long as they pay attention to the right things.

Lunamoth
06-27-17, 08:25 PM
I think it's perfectly normal to worry about your children? Especially when it is your first, and especially if you are aware they have a high chance of inheriting a condition such as adhd.

Fuzzy I honestly don't get the impression you are worrying beyond what is reasonable.

sarahsweets
06-28-17, 05:07 AM
This feels like an intervention now but I guess I started it. I just wanted to say that it's not easy to just stop worrying even if you know it's futile and doesn't help anyone or, worse, affects others negatively though I don't sit and cry all day long neglecting everything else while I indulge in a good old bout of worrying. I feel a bit like an idiot now and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Maybe I'll start a thread on worrying though. It's an interesting topic.

Or maybe I'll just go and tell someone in another thread that they should just start paying attention because 1. There's no advantage to not paying attention, 2. They will hurt their loved ones if they don't pay attention and 3. It's fine as long as they pay attention to the right things.

I fear you are taking some of this too personally. Let it roll off your back girl!

Fuzzy12
06-28-17, 07:44 AM
I fear you are taking some of this too personally. Let it roll off your back girl!

Yeah, you might be right :-)

ginniebean
07-01-17, 03:33 PM
Ginnie I appreciate the words and that you are trying to make parents feel better and worry less but I can't really worry less. Telling me not to worry is like telling me to pay attention. I can't do it and I feel bad that I can't do it.

I dont worry because I think it's a good thing. I don't worry out of choice.

(Also.saying that worrying has a detrimental effect on the kids or that I'd be a better parent if I didn't worry so much about it doesn't really make me stop worrying either. In fact it just makes me feel worse. I know worrying isn't good for them. So guess what I do: I worry about them.)

The one thing that does help with worrying and all the stress though is to be able to talk about it here. I do feel bad and guilty though about posting so much about fuzzling and our issues and worries. Maybe most of them are trivial and not worth worrying about but I still worry and still would like to write about them without having to worry that I'm annoyingh everyone or coming across as neurotic

i don't think my message was "don't worry" but rather, you likely don't have to worry you're a terrible parent and that childten are resiliant beings who thrive on love. I still worry avout my own children.

Fuzzy12
07-01-17, 05:57 PM
I can't find anything preachy or dismissive in what you wrote, and I'm the type who detests those things.

I might add, if I may, that any parent who's crippling themselves with doubt over their own abilities would automatically become a much better parent if they could find some way to drop their guilt and self-doubt, and to take all the time and energy they once used in beating themselves up and spend it with their kids instead. Everyone would be better off without the guilt and doubt - not just parents and children but all of society.

I guess this is what I was replying to really. Anyway, warranted or not, this thread left me with a bad feeling. This forum is probably not the right place to share my worries about fuzzling.

from everything I've learnt I also don't think kids are that resilient unless resilience refers to mere survival.

sarahsweets
07-04-17, 07:06 AM
I guess this is what I was replying to really. Anyway, warranted or not, this thread left me with a bad feeling. This forum is probably not the right place to share my worries about fuzzling.

from everything I've learnt I also don't think kids are that resilient unless resilience refers to mere survival.

Im sorry you feel that way. I cant say I understand what in particular made you feel this way but maybe my view of what support I thought you received isnt your own experience or personal truth. You have every right to ask questions about your baby and motherhood. I havent seen you batter the sections with endless repeat questions. From what I can tell you always post them in the right sections so I cant say I understand what has hurt you about the advice or support you have received. Dont let one or two people affect the way you post, if thats what happened. People wont always agree with us, and not everyone has kids and can put themselves in your postition so its important to remember that.
Some people are more harsh then others for sure. I really dont think anyone was condemming you if thats what you are feeling.
And whether you can see it now or not, kids are resilient. Think about children who have survived abuse and neglect and still are able to lead a fulfilling life. I am a survivor and I think I am doing ok with my kids(at least on good days I feel that way).

I carry tremendous guilt about my kids all having adhd and mental illnesses. They are all on antidepressants and two of my girls needed to be inpatient and then needed IOP/PHP treatment. I am bipolar II as you know, and I am smart enough to know that genetics are not a guarantee but the bad neighborhood I walk through in my mind sometimes wont let me see that part of it.

On bad days I think I should never have had children if they are "doomed" to suffer with mental health issues. But I know that us untrue. My feelings are not facts and sometimes it takes daily reminders to remember that.