View Full Version : Social issues


lauraca1
06-06-17, 08:52 PM
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum. I'm recently engaged to a wonderful man diagnosed with ADHD. He just started treatment with daily medication. He is still trying to figure out dosage etc but is finally on board and open to learning. He is fun loving, loyal and has a huge heart. This is why I fell for him. He also struggles with hyperactivity(tapping, fidgety and feels like he is run by a constant motor) He is super smart and funny, but in conversations 9 times out of 10 he is over talking or interrupting others. This has been the primary issue for us which I know sounds crazy. He's a hard worker and shares in household chores. The other issue he has is getting easily irritated with others in the moment at work and has a hard time stepping back and not reacting. His boss has had to talk with him about this and he is really trying but we aren't seeing significant results yet. I'm a perfectionist and working in therapy on not worrying what others think but it's been so difficult. He says he tries to "reign it in" in social situations and be a better listener but it rarely happens. I'm quieter by nature but I find I get so embarrassed and stressed in a social setting with him(thinking I just want him to stop talking so much!) that I feel swallowed by him. I was always a fairly social person and now I find myself not wanting to go places because I'm worried people will be turned off by him. His friends joke with him about his ADHD but that hurts too. Does anyone else relate? I'm also a highly sensitive person and wish I could just have a tougher exterior and not care so much but it bothers me so much. Thank you so much for any input or support.

dvdnvwls
06-07-17, 12:46 AM
Welcome to the forum!

The biggest thing, and the biggest question for you, is like this:

He has ADHD, and medication helps but it doesn't fix anything. Is it OK with you if he is this way, basically no change, for the rest of his life?

Probably with effort and medication he can learn to "take the edge off" of this, but realistically he's not going to lose it.

sarahsweets
06-07-17, 04:59 AM
Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum. I'm recently engaged to a wonderful man diagnosed with ADHD. He just started treatment with daily medication. He is still trying to figure out dosage etc but is finally on board and open to learning. He is fun loving, loyal and has a huge heart. This is why I fell for him.
He sounds like a really good guy who is trying really hard to please you.

He also struggles with hyperactivity(tapping, fidgety and feels like he is run by a constant motor) He is super smart and funny, but in conversations 9 times out of 10 he is over talking or interrupting others. This has been the primary issue for us which I know sounds crazy. He's a hard worker and shares in household chores.
He sounds like someone who is willing to try hard to make things work. There are so many partners that post about how their spouses/BF's dont do anything to make things better, they dont do housework, chores or take medication and they dont seem interested in getting better. It sounds like he wants to do his best but you are not happy with his efforts. No offense meant, but he is doing pretty well all things considered.


The other issue he has is getting easily irritated with others in the moment at work and has a hard time stepping back and not reacting. His boss has had to talk with him about this and he is really trying but we aren't seeing significant results yet. I'm a perfectionist and working in therapy on not worrying what others think but it's been so difficult.
If you are a perfectionist then he will never measure up to you. He will never be socially what you want, and I know you said you are in therapy and that its difficult for you but think about how he feels. If you notice these things and are upset by him, he can probably sense it.

He says he tries to "reign it in" in social situations and be a better listener but it rarely happens. I'm quieter by nature but I find I get so embarrassed and stressed in a social setting with him(thinking I just want him to stop talking so much!) that I feel swallowed by him. I was always a fairly social person and now I find myself not wanting to go places because I'm worried people will be turned off by him. His friends joke with him about his ADHD but that hurts too. Does anyone else relate? I'm also a highly sensitive person and wish I could just have a tougher exterior and not care so much but it bothers me so much. Thank you so much for any input or support.
I think its really admirable that you posted here so thank you. But you have to realize that there are things he may never reign in to your liking. Are other people as upset by him as you are? Has anyone ever said anything to you about him? Have you suffered due to his interactions with others?
Are you sure people are turned off by him?
Sometimes its our "stuff" that bothers us about other people. Many times I think something about someone in my life that the people I am around dont notice. Its hard not to be hypervigilant about stuff that bothers us and if it bothers us we are tuned into it all the time, even when its not really that much of an issue for others.
Like DVD said, if he never changed anymore, is that a deal breaker for you?

userguide
06-07-17, 12:09 PM
I wouldn't like to be with someone who is stressed by my behaviour ( like what others will say).

If you don't pretend well that you don't care, it will put one more load on your relationship.

Think about him being contantly worried about your height/accent/left-handedness/old aunty/whatever

jokopsy
07-12-17, 04:48 AM
I wouldn't like to be with someone who is stressed by my behaviour ( like what others will say).

If you don't pretend well that you don't care, it will put one more load on your relationship.

Think about him being contantly worried about your height/accent/left-handedness/old aunty/whatever

good point. thank you for the advice, need to think about it too

20thcenturyfox
07-12-17, 01:00 PM
The battle lines are already clear...the question I see is can the two of you become a true team, respecting & admiring each other and relying on and bringing out the best in one another? To do this, of course, you will have to find a way where you are both reasonably comfortable--and mutually supportive-- socializing together as a couple.

Or will you just drive each other crazy?

You actually sound like my aunt and uncle who were a loving, successful--and unlikely--team for more than 50 years. He was almost certainly ADHD, brilliant in languages but (at least in his youth) deaf to social expectations and authority. She was a highly organized and perfectionist German woman who believed in his talent and delighted in his boyish goodness but gently coached and guided him behind the scenes. Together they built a wonderful life.

sarahsweets
07-13-17, 04:53 AM
As I said above, its likely that he senses how you feel about him and has a hard time with that.

ToneTone
07-13-17, 11:37 AM
You can look at your situation from multiple points of view.

I'll focus on you ... If it is THAT HARD for you to not feel awkward around him, I would pay attention to that. There are some situations that we cannot will ourselves or force ourselves to feel differently or act differently.

I was talking recently to his long-time girlfriend ... She and I agreed that it was so difficult to deal with my brother ... because it was clear that he was hiding feelings ... pretending to feel good when he felt bad ...

So here's the point: I'm not sure you can change how you react. I mean, you can go to therapy and work on it ... but don't assume there is some simple attitude shift you can make. It's not that simple.

Do you want to spend your life as a translator ... as an intermediary ... not just taking care of yourself ... but always coaching him? .... Consider that he might find someone who wasn't troubled by his social skills. The point is you don't need to feel guilty ... or assume that there is a "better" attitude that you "should" have ...

Anyway, good luck ...

Tone

ToneTone
07-13-17, 05:07 PM
Sorry ... I meant to cut out the part about my brother ... in order to keep my post short.

What I meant was that my beloved brother, who had a severe and undiagnosed case of ADHD, was really hard to be around ... because he was often so bad at communicating with others ... He would err on being friendly ... but it would be too friendly ... and obsequious ... and bizarre ...

I spent years trying to coach him ... decades would be more like it ... Not one positive result ... I mean, I treasure the friendship I had with him ... but being with him was as awkward at the end as it was decades earlier.

So as the others say, don't assume that his behavior will change or can change.

Tone

TLCisaQT
07-27-17, 01:44 AM
Wow, I could have written a post similar to this about 16 years ago. I remember my husband, then fiancÚ, would talk and ramble and people would actually stop listening but he would keep talking sometimes. I asked him if this bothered him and why he didn't just stop talking when he noticed. He got a little annoyed but said he couldn't help it if they were bad people. The thing is, over the years, the more stress increases, the more irritability can increase and coping mechanisms falter and now my husband doesn't even like going to social events because they are overwhelming and draining. So yes ask yourself. If this is as good as it gets or stress increases and so does the irritability are you fine with it.

someothertime
07-27-17, 04:25 AM
stress increases

this is really true. how interesting. possibly not an ADHD thing overall..... ( diminished concentration due to age.... which compounds already limited task focus ) but my how it can effect ADHD peeps!!!

and.... huge appreciation for your caring patience and insight..... for him...... a regular mindfulness / meditation group will work wonders..... ( CBT and DBT come into that picture too ), however..... if/when he also has the personal desire.... ( note: 20hours and he will see shy )

sarahsweets
07-27-17, 07:13 AM
Wow, I could have written a post similar to this about 16 years ago. I remember my husband, then fiancÚ, would talk and ramble and people would actually stop listening but he would keep talking sometimes. I asked him if this bothered him and why he didn't just stop talking when he noticed. He got a little annoyed but said he couldn't help it if they were bad people. The thing is, over the years, the more stress increases, the more irritability can increase and coping mechanisms falter and now my husband doesn't even like going to social events because they are overwhelming and draining. So yes ask yourself. If this is as good as it gets or stress increases and so does the irritability are you fine with it.

Yes, you have to look at it this way... if nothing changes, can you be happy?

acdc01
07-27-17, 09:32 PM
I have the same interrupting others problem. I know it really annoys people so I remind myself to leave a pause after someone speaks before speaking. That helps a little but not that much. I can't really imagine the problem will ever go away. It actually wasn't so bad when younger but like others said, life stress has made my symptoms much stronger.

I think you guys need good friends. Friends that know your fiance has adhd and understand that the interruptions are just part of it. They can hold up their hand or something if he isn't letting them get a word in.

It's actually a way to separate good friends from bad ones. So maybe instead of thinking something is wrong with your husband, realize your husband's quirks are really helping you identify which friends are patient, understanding, the kind of friends you want to have around.

TLCisaQT
08-05-17, 01:10 PM
this is really true. how interesting. possibly not an ADHD thing overall..... ( diminished concentration due to age.... which compounds already limited task focus ) but my how it can effect ADHD peeps!!!

and.... huge appreciation for your caring patience and insight..... for him...... a regular mindfulness / meditation group will work wonders..... ( CBT and DBT come into that picture too ), however..... if/when he also has the personal desire.... ( note: 20hours and he will see shy )

Yes, stress makes it more difficult for any of us to apply our coping mechanisms and have increased empathy for others. I will confess that over the years, while I still try to understand where he in coming from, my patience and empathy is decreasing, but this is more of an awareness that my stress levels have gotten to a point over the years of having to take on a lot more and we communicate in such different ways, that it is a struggle. So for the original poster, a true awareness of what can be and learning from others future struggles may better help her make an informed decision.
1. If you like going to social things and your husband either doesn't fit in to typical social things and you start to feel awkward and so stop going or he finds them too stressful and doesn't want to go and so you start declining (and then they stop inviting you-happened to us) and you don't find other social groups that are similar and accept you both as is -it can become lonely. And kids don't solve the loneliness, trust me on it.
2. If you are sensitive. (I am - was more so) Some with ADHD "think out loud" or are very impulsive or blunt or say things matter of factory and us sensitive people can take things too personally, or it's hard to let go of things said in anger that many of us only think in our minds, we don't say. That becomes wearing on a person over years. How can your self-worth take this over time? Are you strong enough?
A couple of food for thought items.
Since he helps with chores around the house, I won't go into number 3 hahaha.