View Full Version : Overcoming not being good enough for a woman


anonymouslyadd
06-17-17, 11:31 PM
I don't think I'm good enough to find a girl who will love me. Constantly wanting to change myself and who I am, I've been like this forever, even at the age of five or six, seeking the approval of a girl I liked. :o

What are some small steps that I can take to make myself more secure in this area? Am I good enough?

I don't know what to do. I'm 36. I don't know how to stop. Has anyone been like this? Have you been able to overcome this feeling of never being good enough?

aeon
06-18-17, 12:01 AM
Accept and love yourself unconditionally first, and the problem goes away.

That's the only thing you have control of anyway.

Why do you think that? Who lied to you and told you that? What happened that made you believe that? You might have to dig deep to know, and understand, the answers.

Are you meeting a need, or trying to meet one, by choosing to continue believing that?

Perhaps a therapist with experience in attachment could be a means by which to dig, get feedback, and figure things out.

The way you are thinking is hurtful and disrespectful to your own person. Figure out the reason, and then choose to think differently.

Remember, you are already whole, and capable of loving and being loved.

But for some reason you think otherwise.

Stop that.


Best to You,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 12:10 AM
It really is a devastating feeling.

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 12:14 AM
There is no such thing as "good enough". If you are trying to be good enough, two things are always happening: you're not being yourself, and you're failing. Always.

So quit that game, and be who you are. You are 100% lovable in "as-is" condition.

Succeed at being yourself (which is an automatic gift you've always had), instead of failing at being someone else.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 12:35 AM
I'm just tired of thinking about being with someone and having to change myself.

Unmanagable
06-18-17, 12:46 AM
Why are you feeling you have to change yourself? What exactly are you aiming to change?

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 12:56 AM
I don't know that my mom ever really accepted me. She would tell me to always remember that I'll always love you. Then, not accept my particular opinion or something I did. It was conditional. I can't remember a specific example right now.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 12:57 AM
Why are you feeling you have to change yourself? What exactly are you aiming to change?
To make sure someone likes or accepts me.

aeon
06-18-17, 01:14 AM
I'm just tired of thinking about being with someone and having to change myself.

Fair enough, you can take some time to think about and nurture your own growth.


Well Wishes,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 01:22 AM
Why are you feeling you have to change yourself? What exactly are you aiming to change?
Maybe changing how I feel about religion or making myself more handy around the house.

Unmanagable
06-18-17, 01:23 AM
Do you like and accept yourself?

If not, can you recognize any specific reasons why (like the issue you mentioned with your mom) and see a way to healthily grow through it and release it from the power it currently holds over you?

We tend to keep subconsciously seeking and attracting what continues to trigger us when we haven't yet found and dug up the roots of our deepest inner turmoils.

It can often take the help and guidance of a professional to help sort through a lifetime of never feeling worthy. I can relate on many levels.

If you already like and accept yourself, are you actively immersing yourself in more of what makes you come alive so you can repeatedly feel good about just being you and meeting others who feel the same?

We often tend to become a magnet for what we project. If we remain uncertain, hesitant, and down on ourselves, folks likely aren't going to be very comfortable in, or drawn to approaching us.

If we're enjoying our own company, recognizing how to healthily meet our own needs based on actual need vs. comparison to others, accepting of our own flaws, doing what we love, and willing to release old fears, we open up ourselves to being more approachable by others who may also be interested in the nurturing and self-care vibes.

No guarantees, of course, as with anything, but from what I've experienced, it's all about the vibes you send out. But you have to become expert level at reading and innerstanding your own so you can better comprehend and translate the ripples coming back at ya'. Tsunamis of sh****ness still roll in, but such is life.

If you're trying to change yourself each time you meet a potential mate, that's more like acting school than dating. The masks eventually get too heavy to keep holding up.

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 01:25 AM
There's nothing you can do to make them like you.

And even if you could, the smart money would be on not doing it anyway. Think about it: If you succeeded at doing the right things to make someone love you, you'd forever feel like a fraud because you'd always wonder "Does she really love me, or is she just here because I was able to fool her?"

aeon
06-18-17, 01:31 AM
I don't know that my mom ever really accepted me. She would tell me to always remember that I'll always love you. Then, not accept my particular opinion or something I did. It was conditional. I can't remember a specific example right now.

Look at your own words here.

No mum needs to agree with the opinion of her child, nor condone the actions and behaviors of her child.

And those things are not the child.

When your mother disapproved of something you said or did, it wasn't a disapproval of you.

She told you to always remember that she always loves you. That's about as unconditional as it gets.

And for some reason, you've forgotten what she told you to always remember.

You probably said and did all manner of things that irritated, disappointed, delighted, angered, amused, and otherwise, your mother. It's what children do. Setting boundaries for their children so as to encourage their growth and well-being is something mothers do.

And mothers do that because they love their children...unconditionally.


Namaste,
Ian

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 01:41 AM
If you want to learn to fix things around the house, or be a better cook, or financial planner or gardener or whatever other skills you value, then sure, go for it. Nothing wrong with that.

I think religion is not always as contentious a topic in relationships as one might assume. As long as you and she can reach some kind of arrangement where you both find the results satisfactory, it's OK. The exception would be if one or both of you (or outside parties such as church officials) were unwilling to accept marriage to someone outside the group - and even in those situations, sometimes a conversion that is more or less perfunctory and symbolic is sometimes sufficient.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 02:06 AM
Look at your own words here.

No mum needs to agree with the opinion of her child, nor condone the actions and behaviors of her child.

And those things are not the child.

When your mother disapproved of something you said or did, it wasn't a disapproval of you.

She told you to always remember that she always loves you. That's about as unconditional as it gets.

And for some reason, you've forgotten what she told you to always remember.

You probably said and did all manner of things that irritated, disappointed, delighted, angered, amused, and otherwise, your mother. It's what children do. Setting boundaries for their children so as to encourage their growth and well-being is something mothers do.

And mothers do that because they love their children...unconditionally.


Namaste,
Ian
I hear ya. Actually, someone on here pointed out that my mom's love seemed conditional, but I can't remember where. :umm1:

Yes, she had words of love but her actions were quite different.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 02:07 AM
There's nothing you can do to make them like you.
Why do you say that? How do you know?

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 02:16 AM
I think maybe the greatest potential for religion problems in a relationship could be when one person participates in religious matters (of any kind) in a highly committed and enthusiastic way, while the other person is not very interested. But even then, they might get along by respectfully agreeing to let each other "do their thing" without judging.

What to teach the children is probably not a first-date topic. :)

aeon
06-18-17, 02:17 AM
Why do you say that? How do you know?

Simple...the only thing you have any control of is yourself, nothing more, nothing less.

You can't make anyone else think, feel, act, or do anything. They have control and responsibility for those things, just as you have control and responsibility for your own.


Cheers,
Ian

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 02:21 AM
There's nothing you can do to make them like you.


Why do you say that? How do you know?
OK...

What can I do that will make you like me?

What can I do that will make you love me?

In both cases, assume that you didn't already - it has to be something that would reliably change your mind about me.

Of course, I know I could do things you'd like - bring you money, make you some food you like, solve your problems, take out your trash - that's different.

aeon
06-18-17, 03:33 AM
http://i.imgur.com/jJRu4BY.jpg

Little Missy
06-18-17, 07:32 AM
There's nothing you can do to make them like you.

And even if you could, the smart money would be on not doing it anyway. Think about it: If you succeeded at doing the right things to make someone love you, you'd forever feel like a fraud because you'd always wonder "Does she really love me, or is she just here because I was able to fool her?" :goodpost:

Eventually the real you or the real her happens and then you or her are all :confused: it is always best to just be yourself otherwise the fašade will crumble.

Little Missy
06-18-17, 07:34 AM
http://i.imgur.com/jJRu4BY.jpg

:goodpost:



this is pretty much it adding farts, boogers, bad breath, stinky feet, etc.

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 11:26 AM
Someone can like you for a reason, of course.

I'm saying don't let her like you for some put-on thing that's not "the real you".


Example:
I'm not what everyone would automatically call "that fat guy", but I'm clearly overweight. If I made a great effort and lost a lot of weight in an effort to impress someone, I know I wouldn't keep the weight off. Someone found me who loves me regardless of my extra 50 pounds. It's better this way, than being stuck with someone who's very disappointed that I gained back a lot of weight and is constantly pressuring me to lose it again. And instead of feeling like I've cheated someone out of the guy she wanted, I'm just happy.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 04:56 PM
:goodpost:

Eventually the real you or the real her happens and then you or her are all :confused: it is always best to just be yourself otherwise the fašade will crumble.
I guess I've always that I could make someone like me. This is all very embarrassing for me to talk about. :o I'm really trying to open myself up so I can gain insight, but this sucks.

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 05:10 PM
anon:

Those times in the past when you've succeeded in making someone like you, what did you do, and how did it all work out? Do they all still like you?

Fuzzy12
06-18-17, 05:26 PM
I don't know that my mom ever really accepted me. She would tell me to always remember that I'll always love you. Then, not accept my particular opinion or something I did. It was conditional. I can't remember a specific example right now.

There will always be some people who accept ajd like you and some people who don't. Unfortunately your mom was in the first group and that makes a huge difference. It makes a huge difference to how easily you feel accepted but keep in mind that it doesn't make any difference to how likable or lovable you are.

Your mom was in the first group but there will be plenty of people (including women) in thr second group.

You are good enough. Unless you are a total ******* (which I know you aren't) you are definitely good enough. Even total ******** find women who love them. They just don't have vwry happy relationships I guess.

Be good to yourself. I think that's the most important. Be good to yourself and sooner or later you'll find a woman who is good to you as well.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 05:36 PM
anon:

Those times in the past when you've succeeded in making someone like you, what did you do, and how did it all work out? Do they all still like you?
I'm not sure. I don't really know.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 05:54 PM
:goodpost:



this is pretty much it adding farts, boogers, bad breath, stinky feet, etc.
Will someone really accept me for my weaknesses and everything? I'm afraid they won't. :(

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 06:04 PM
I'm not sure. I don't really know.
My theory is that the ones who turned out to really like you, would have liked you anyway - and that the ones who turned out not to like you fit into two groups: the ones who were never going to like you, and the ones (hopefully very few) who liked you at first but got turned off by your trying to make them.

If you don't like chocolate, I can put broccoli on top of it and I can think maybe that will help.

Except it doesn't help - chocolate is still chocolate. If you are chocolate, don't disguise yourself under a forest of broccoli; wait for the chocolate fans, they'll be along shortly.

Little Missy
06-18-17, 06:07 PM
Will someone really accept me for my weaknesses and everything? I'm afraid they won't. :(

of course she will! And you will accept her for hers. You will make up for each others capabilities and limitations. It is called love and there is someone for everyone. I can promise you this.

dvdnvwls
06-18-17, 06:10 PM
Will someone really accept me for my weaknesses and everything? I'm afraid they won't. :(
There are people who will not. The trick is to not focus on them.

There are definitely people who will.

Your weaknesses are not strengths in disguise. There's nothing good about weaknesses. But they're yours, and you are you. Everyone has weaknesses.

A man afraid of having weaknesses, or who denies that he has any, is going to turn off a lot of people. Most people.

A man who knows his weaknesses, and accepts them without dwelling on them, will be stronger and more successful and more liked.

No one knows himself perfectly. The point is to keep on getting closer to knowing.

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 06:39 PM
of course she will! And you will accept her for hers. You will make up for each others capabilities and limitations. It is called love and there is someone for everyone. I can promise you this.
Are you lying? Do you mean it?

Little Missy
06-18-17, 06:59 PM
Are you lying? Do you mean it?

No, I am NOT. I believe in this with all of my heart and I believe this to be The Key to Love and Life.

Fuzzy12
06-18-17, 07:09 PM
of course she will! And you will accept her for hers. You will make up for each others capabilities and limitations. It is called love and there is someone for everyone. I can promise you this.

This is beautiful! !! :):o

aeon
06-18-17, 07:44 PM
Are you lying? Do you mean it?

Little Missy spoke the most essential and deepest truth of what it is to be a human being.

My sweetie has ways she is challenged by life, and that's more than okay with me, for I love her well and true. And in like kind I am made small by things in life, but she loves me not in spite of those things, but also because of those things, for she loves me for who I am.

No, Little Missy offered you something of Beauty when she spoke the Truth about Love.


BlessÚd Be,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
06-18-17, 11:00 PM
I can't say that I always feel this way, but maybe I'm ready to face some of my insecurities and everything. I really opened myself up this time, and it's hard to be like this. I feel emotionally naked.

ToneTone
06-19-17, 03:29 PM
It's easy to reject the idea that we can be accepted just as we are ... Lots of pop culture is built on the idea that we can please others.

You can't really sell yourself to others ... doesn't work that way. Here's the deal ... there's somebody ... millions of somebodies ... who are asking the very questions you are asking. They will love to meet you.

I think I can connect with your thinking. I was raised in a household where I learned I had to adjust myself to be worthy of love and acceptance. It's been a lifelong journey to let that feeling go ....

I would say see if you can reframe your project as making more friends, making more genuine friends, getting real love in your life, doing more of the activities you would like to do ... Period. Now ironically, all of those steps can help you meet someone ... but if you do them just to meet someone, you'll get off track.

Definitely consider therapy. This is not an issue you can fix through ten minutes of positive thinking. Most likely you would benefit from meeting people and practicing being yourself ... which sounds really contradictory ... I know ... But it sounds like a really good therapist would be a good guide and coach as you work to establish meaningful relationships ... and part of a meaningful relationship is dropping the fear that you aren't worthy of the relationship ...

Lots of us struggle with the issues you have identified. Don't think you're weird or strange in any way.

Tone