View Full Version : Unfiltered speech


doglover29
06-29-17, 02:45 AM
I find the unfiltered speech very hard sometimes. Have been with bc for over a yr and he still brings up his ex and their past experiences when he knows I don't like it. It's unmediated Add but so frustrating and hurtful. Can their minds be trained to filter thoughts is what I am hoping someone has experience with

Not wanting to give up yet:(

Librarian97
06-29-17, 01:19 PM
What is he bringing up? Why don't you like it? I have ADHD and have definitely noticed my own unfiltered speech. A lot of times, you say something then think "oh, maybe i shouldn't have said that." I have done similar things with a male partner, where I would mention a relationship with another and I could tell it hurt him, but I couldn't stop myself.

doglover29
06-30-17, 03:50 PM
are you taking any meds? I have read that medication can help with this. its just irritating after over 2 years he will reference his ex and marriage in many situations. I have a past too but can stop my mind from going there. we are hoping the doctor will have some news for us next week

ToneTone
06-30-17, 10:42 PM
Uh ... my advice is to not assume meds would help this.

It's one thing to have no filter ... But no filter for two years ... a person rudely bringing up irrelevant and destructive information in the relationship?

I wouldn't count on meds helping with that.

And meds can never substitute for confronting someone who is teaching you rudely ... and standing up for yourself ... and setting some boundaries ...

I mean, the person could take meds and then with no filter, blame you for side effects ...

Is this person grappling with the issue on their own? ... Is the person saying they want to change? ... are they apologizing to you for bringing up this topic again and again? ...

Tone

doglover29
07-01-17, 04:27 PM
thanks for your message. I was just hoping that the meds would slow his brain down so he could stop himself. he is getting better, catching himself and apoligising but even though they were together for 18 years I think its time to start to train himself that he is out of that relationship , he says she was abusive to him anyway, and leave it in the past. Its one of my pet peeves hearing bout his past cuz for me it keeps a person stuck and takes away from the future with a new person and does not seem necessary.

I am needing to understand what is ADD and what is not. I know memory is affected with ADD too so sometimes he will say he just forgets. Like when he was commenting on another exes facebook posts after I told him I did not like it and I also heard all about her constantly when we first started dating. he is the type who figures it should not bother me but it does.

Little Missy
07-01-17, 05:17 PM
good luck!

Librarian97
07-04-17, 08:33 PM
I only recently was diagnosed and began treatment with meds. That is good to hear that he is catching himself and apologizing. I think 18 years is a very long time. Even though that person was abusive, it is a lot to let go. In fact, if he struggles with dealing with the past abuse it may be even more difficult. I was also in an abusive relationship, but not for nearly as long, so I can speak from personal experience that it can be difficult.

Yes memory is affected. I know for me it can be like I forget, other times it's almost like I don't even know what i'm saying until it is out of my mouth.

I don't fully understand your issue with him commenting on an exes Facebook post though, unless it is something overtly flirty, you really shouldn't be concerned. Maybe he is friends with this person still? or will remain friendly if it didn't end well? What about this behavior concerns you so much?

jokopsy
07-11-17, 05:32 AM
maybe you should remind him more often that you don't like to hear about his past marriage, or that it is not relevant at the moment and you have your own life and no need to bring up the past? it might somehow help him let go of that situation or treat it easier. 18 years is really a lot, but one shouldn't let it spoil the present. the past is in the past

20thcenturyfox
07-12-17, 12:34 PM
I would guess you have made your feelings clear many times, so doing the same thing more frequently might not be the best strategy. Something is making him bring it up, and that "something" is not going away.

What about deciding you will do the opposite for a limited period and see if you can both learn something from this and whether you can reach a better understanding between you on it?

Instead of just reacting, try noticing when he does it? Is there some context where it comes up most frequently? Instead of being annoyed, try being curious (you can always be annoyed later).

Try asking "Is there some reason why this is on your mind (or why you're bringing this up) right now? And listen to the answer!

It's possible he keeps bringing it up because he "lacks a filter." But even if so, there must be something that is rattling around in his head before it comes out his mouth. Wouldn't it be good if you both had a clear understanding of what that "something" is, and what it means to him in the present? Maybe he has fears finding himself in some similar no-win position, maybe he is looking for reassurance or understanding. Maybe once you give it, you can both move on.

How could doing this be worse than what you're doing now? And isn't it possible that if you show more interest in why this keeps coming up for him, that you can have more of his undivided attention in the future?

sarahsweets
07-13-17, 04:55 AM
Unfiltered speech is one thing, bringing up the ex is another, and I dont think the two are necessarily related.

Little Missy
07-13-17, 07:10 AM
I'd be fascinated to hear about the ex. Probably some interesting stories.

doglover29
07-14-17, 03:22 PM
I could understand his past coming up right after they separated but it has been well over 2 yrs and he still references his past experiences, its just getting old and irritating. I don't understand enough about ADD yet because the unfiltered speech is still relevant in my mind because if the thought comes into his head, he blurts it out well that's the ADD is it not? are you guys saying that he can train himself? he also does not want to really understand that it bugs me, he figures it shouldn't so that makes it hard too. I have never had this before really with previous partners

doglover29
07-14-17, 10:37 PM
sorry if that sounded harsh, I try to be understanding with the ADD but my feelings count too. if the unfiltered stuff bout his past cant be controlled then not sure this is the relationship for me
his doctor wont medicate him because he is an Alchoholic and drug user in his past too

sarahsweets
07-15-17, 07:48 AM
I think you have every right to have your feelings and needs heard. Its one thing to have adhd traits that involve putting your foot in your mouth or talking over someone or not being a good listener. Its another thing to keep bringing something hurtful up especially if you were clear that it hurts you.

doglover29
07-16-17, 09:38 PM
Agreed, even if he can't stop referring to his past he could at least say'i' instead of always 'we' did.....
I honestly wonder if this will ever change:(

aeon
07-16-17, 10:01 PM
his doctor wont medicate him because he is an Alchoholic and drug user in his past too

That's a concern, but not a reason to not medicate (in the majority of cases).


Cheers,
Ian

ginniebean
07-16-17, 11:45 PM
I have the blurt issue myself. No, it can't be trained out. Meds tend not to work very much with impulsivity. Not thinking things through does not equal rudeness. There is likely no malice intended. When I have hurt someone accidently with a blurt I feel quite bad.

The problem is, there really are ten billion ways to stick your foot in it. Another sympton of adhd can be the inability to generalize similar yet different scenarios. I have problems with generalizing information. I wish I didn't as it so very often makes me look stupid or sound srupid. To never blurt again would also be awesome.

doglover29
08-02-17, 02:29 PM
it seems like its hopeless and I will have to either put up with it or leave. we will go a week or so and then it happens again. today about them whale watching. his mind goes to her and their experiences I guess because they were together 18 years. it comes out of his mouth before he can think to filter.
I know part of it is the add but its hurtful none the less

aeon
08-02-17, 02:48 PM
it seems like its hopeless and I will have to either put up with it or leave. we will go a week or so and then it happens again. today about them whale watching. his mind goes to her and their experiences I guess because they were together 18 years. it comes out of his mouth before he can think to filter.
I know part of it is the add but its hurtful none the less

He is responsible for saying what he says, and you are responsible for what you think and what you feel.

So you could have a situation where he never changes, but you donít hurt any longer when he speaks about his past.

Itís up to you if you want a different situation or to remain where you are.


Well-Wishes,
Ian

doglover29
08-03-17, 03:32 AM
Precisely my dilemma, hoping this will go away but knowing it likely will not.
Thanks for your comments

TLCisaQT
08-05-17, 01:21 PM
Honestly, there are a lot of red flags in this for me that you may want to consider. He struggles with letting go of his past relationships. Not only does he talk constantly about his ex-wife but he is friends with an ex-gf on Facebook. Also, you said he is an Alcoholic and ex-drug user. Also you have told him several times that you don't like him talking so much about his ex and he still does it, which means there is a lot of unresolved issues for him and that relationship, and likely means he will struggle to move forward in a new one and which is why you seem to feel so insecure in this one and react so strongly with the mentions and interactions with exes. When people feel secure in relationships, there is no need to erase the past to embrace or develop a future so this should be information for you. This could be fueled more intensely by ADHD but goes beyond the ADHD. He's not ready emotionally for another relationship IMO.