View Full Version : OCD is taking over my life. Please pry for me.

07-01-17, 04:26 PM
Sorry for the long post. Iím currently a temp and work in a department of a company which is all women. The problem: I'm a black man who is very introverted. I remember the face they made when they first saw me while I was getting introduced to them. Still, I wanted to go in with an open mind and thought they would to, so I tried it out but it isnít working. For example, Iíve noticed that whenever I need to go somewhere in the building like the break room, they follow me. I know it sounds crazy but how is it possible that each time I go to the breakroom for lunch there is someone from my department who walks in a minute after I do. Every time! Iíve started just eating at my desk and tried to not go anywhere because Iím sick of being harassed.

Iíve been here for over a month and wonder, are these people going to hire me? Of course, not. Theyíve made a conclusion like every other temp job, Iím a piece of trash and itís only a matter of time before I get thrown out. Coming in on time, being respectful, working hard isnít enough in this day in age, at least for me.

So, a few weeks ago, I made a decision to quit because I have no chance here. Getting an unexpected phone call saying youíve been let go is hard. Never gets easier even after all these temp jobs. The worst part is they havenít had a man work in their department in many years, so if I get let go I will always be remembered. Itís embarrassing, humiliating and it hurts.
But now, I canít go through with because of my OCD is out of control. I know it sounds crazy but let me explain: I heard someone throw up at work and when I found out who it was, I had to look at their face. I couldnít quit unless I looked at their face because I was afraid if I quit this would bother me the rest of my life especially because I would never go in that building again. I looked at their face it I was fine.

Then another day, a woman I didnít know walked past me and I thought about her naked. I donít know why, I didnít want to, but I couldnít help it. After that, I had tension in my cheekbone and I took it home with me over the weekend. When I came in Monday, I saw someone else who worked in her department first and the tension went away. I was able to see her face later on also and that helped me too. I havenít experienced something like this so it really scared me. A few days later I saw the back of her head; I donít know why but this really bothered me. Fortunately, she came to talk to someone who sits by my desk and I saw her face and I felt better.

Iím so desperate not to have these thoughts that I think about stabbing or just pinch myself to avoid it and noticed it helped. This is just a start, I can give you about 20 more and there is something new every day. I have lost control.