View Full Version : ADHD boyfriend - Advice needed

07-03-17, 06:08 AM
Hello everyone,

I've joined this forum out a lot of desperation but also so I can begin to understand my boyfriends ADHD more.

I'm head over heals in love with him. He is smart, kind, sensitive and makes my life more spontaneous and fun. We have been dating for 2.5 years and have lived together for 2 of those years.

When I first met him I couldn't believe how attentive and amazing someone could be to me, which I now know was hyper focus. He told me about his ADHD as a passing comment a few months into our relationship, I had heard of it but didn't really fully grasp how intense ADHD was.

We had the usual fights I'm sure most ADHD relationships have had. He would forgot to clean up after himself, do a job half done and walk away from it etc. I would do all the housework and bills.

At one point it was his suggested we come up with a colour coded rota. The idea didn't last long, but he showed he was trying and he did definitely started to help out more.

The problem started this time last year. I suffer with anxiety and this was having an affect on our social life with his friend and family. I think at this point we both ignored his ADHD and my problems became the centre of all our problems.

After a very intense argument and a week later he announced he wanted us to be together but to live seperately so he could feel that he could do everything for himself again without me assisting him. I was heartbroken, I loved living with him and couldn't understand why he would take such a huge step back in the relationship. Although looking back at it now he needed to do that for himself and his ADHD. I regret not letting him do this.
We ended up still living together, but he rented an office so he could spend time away and have his own space. He needed up moving his "office" back into our flat. Few months later as we were both really happy. This continued to work well.

In march/April this year he was incredibly busy with university work, he went back to his home country in France in April for 2 weeks. He suddenly became very very distant and I later found out he had failed a module a uni, but also been offered a 3 week internship in LA through uni. But also he graduates this year and his family are pressuring him to come back to France to work (which he doesn't want). And then there's me, who wanted to book a weeks holiday with him in August. It was all too much.

I knew something was wrong, he was overwhelmed and had some big life decisions to make. I get a text 2'days later saying he is breaking up with me. I was hysterical and cried for 2 weeks until he returned. In my hysterical moments I was so angry he had turned off his phone I rang the estate agents for us to leave our flat. I wanted some control back and I stupidly thought this would make him see the error of his decision that I was going through with this.

This had the opposite affect, he knew I was doing this for his attention and instead of booking a return flight from LA he booked another one way ticket to Canada (where he had lived 3 years previously). He told me he didn't know when he would be back and didn't want to put a date on it. He said he knew he was running away from me and his family, but he needed to do this for his career and to be happy.

For the weeks he spent with me before he left he was incredible affectionate, telling me he loved me. And when he left he cried into my arms.

I am at loss. I'm so in love with him even though he has completely thrown my life upside down. I'm just so confused as to what he wants in terms of me. He said he doesn't want to get with other girls, and that he does want me. It's just he thinks he isn't enough for me. He thinks I want someone to be at my side 24/7 caring for my every need. He just can't realise that the same person he is now is the same person I wanted and fell in love with in the beginning.

Well done to anyone who has made it this far through... at the moment he is still in Canada writing his dissertation which is due in some time in July/Aug.
He says to me to let him go, he's not worth it etc etc, but I know he says this out of anger/frustration as when I ask him what HE wants he can't tell me.

So what do I do? Do I sit back and wait for him to come back to me? Or do I move on? Moving on will be so hard for me, as I know he still loves me but he is just overwhelmed with his thoughts.

07-03-17, 07:24 AM
I wish I had advice to make things better. I think you have to let him go. For whatever reason he has chosen a path that does not include you. You dont deserve to be left hanging and he is clearly trying to make changes in his life that are not including you. I know its tempting to want to know why, if it was your fault or if there is anything you can do but do not take the bait. Regardless of his reasons he has hurt you deeply and you will never be able to feel settled with him. You will always have something in the back of your mind about whether he is going to pack up and leave again or wonder if he will remain happy with you. Nobody needs to have to deal with that.

You need someone who wants to build a life with you and stay with you. If he needed to be separate for awhile, thats not commitment. He needed to be separate and thats not ok. People do that in the early stages of a relationship, not smack in the middle while you are thinking of long term plans.
I dont think the why of it matters.
I think you should let yourself heal and find other people that will make you happy.