View Full Version : Bad relationship with parents


chicane
07-07-17, 01:04 PM
Hello,

I speak a poor English, so you have to forget my writing.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD less than two weeks ago, I am 38.
I started Strattera (25 gr, now 40 gr) and the first week was one of the easiest of my life. And it's getting better and better, even with some up and down.

The more I realized how it feels to be normal, the more I get angry with my mother. My father is dead, so I can be angry with him anymore.
Maybe she has ADHD too. Thinking this is my only relief because even if these pills will make me play chess like Fisher or have an extraordinary self control, I still would have her frightening look of contempt right in front of me all the time. She doesn't even listen to me anymore, she doesn't have any positive expectation anymore.
I am angry because I do not want to feel what I really feel: sadness.

Any similar experience?

sarahsweets
07-08-17, 07:02 AM
Anger towards our parents can be scary. We feel like we have no right to be angry and carry guilt for being angry. The important thing to remember is we are human and so are our parents. Because of that we are allowed to not like the flaws we see. You can love someone and not like them. A lot of times parents ignore our adhd when we need help. Why they do it is up for debate but a lot of time it comes down to our parents looking at our deficits as personal flaws against them. I know I can do this. I blame myself for some of the issues I passed onto my kids but then I have to take a step back and realize that their life story might not be the way I think it should be. They are their own persons. I cant control their fate or their path in life. All I can do is guide them. I need to remember to forgive myself.

20thcenturyfox
07-14-17, 02:36 PM
My mother is dead now, but her contempt is always with me. Nevertheless, it's a relief not to have to keep "putting on my emotional raincoat" to get through a face-to-face meeting with her.

As far as I can recall, I never got along with my mother a single day in my life. Luckily for me, she was so open in her contempt and dislike for me as a small child that other people (neighbours, teachers, relatives) noticed and took pity on me. This was actually a huge help, as I had many wonderful "angels" helping me grow up with a decent amount of self-respect, and minimal rebellion.

Besides the kindness and love of other people (which was huge!), I think the things which were most helpful in rising above the hurt and anger I still felt were 1) going through a conscious exercise of trying to imagine her life in a compassionate way, 2) trying to see her ignorance and nastiness as a product of her own circumstances and the probability that I reminded her of her younger self (or maybe just parts of herself she disliked), and 3) eventually, just expecting her to be miserable, and either not taking it personally or actually laughing about being her "least-favourite child." (Example: She: "You're not very filial, are you? Me: What do you think caused it, Mom, heredity or environment?")

All this took a long time...maybe 10 or 15 years from when I started at around age 30...but after that, all I really needed to do was remind myself to "put on my emotional raincoat" whenever I had to be around her. Ironically, believing that she would hurt me if she could actually allowed me to feel "bullet-proof" while socializing with her and other family members. (And yes, she did exclude me from her Will, but I expected it, and didn't really mind. I ended up better off than my sibings anyway, was happy to see them benefit, and I always joke that my they worked very hard for their inheritance.)

Whether this would work for anyone else, I don't know. But I mention it in case it could help others.

sarahsweets
07-15-17, 07:45 AM
I also learned to forgive my parents, well my father really. Forgiveness was for my own benefit not his, it was a form of acceptance of the past and a willingness to change the future.