View Full Version : How do you let go of resentment?


Fuzzy12
08-01-17, 07:10 PM
Resentment, grudges, anger, etc

Any tips?

Little Missy
08-01-17, 08:48 PM
Time, absence, silence, bargaining, realizing it wasn't worth it, thinking...I don't really have a concrete answer. How bad is the resentment?

Emre22
08-01-17, 09:05 PM
Resentment, grudges, anger, etc

Any tips?

Short-term
cigarettes(i do not suggest just that is why i do), music , expression of emotions( swearing, imagination etc not by action)
coffee

Long-term
Patience,forgetting,focusing on other things

For grudge, i only have one advice, get whatever you want what you wish for
try hard , motivate yourself but at the end disappointment hurts more than being unsucessful. If you are afraid of failing just give up and forget

Fuzzy12
08-01-17, 10:06 PM
Time, absence, silence, bargaining, realizing it wasn't worth it, thinking...I don't really have a concrete answer. How bad is the resentment?

Fairly bad but I'm not talking about a specific instance. It's just that in the last 5-6 years the resentment against my loved ones has been building up and I'm just adding more fuel to it all the time (or mat be they are..). It flares up.several times during the day almost where I suddenly start thinking about all the ****ty things someone has done till I feel.searing anger. It gets worse when I'm down anyway or tired and I'm always tired these days.

Time seems to make it worse. I'd like to think my way out of it. I know it's not worth it but that doesn't change how I feel. What do you mean by bargaining?

Fuzzy12
08-01-17, 10:11 PM
Short-term
cigarettes(i do not suggest just that is why i do), music , expression of emotions( swearing, imagination etc not by action)
coffee

Long-term
Patience,forgetting,focusing on other things

For grudge, i only have one advice, get whatever you want what you wish for
try hard , motivate yourself but at the end disappointment hurts more than being unsucessful. If you are afraid of failing just give up and forget

Yes smoking works like a charm for so many things. Often though it just gave me an opportunity to mull about how much someone has wronged me. Still I miss it very much.

Thanks for the tips. Especially the short term ones. I suppose music is a distraction.

Haha I love 'if you are afraid of failing just give up and forget'!!!! Not what you hear normally. It's so refreshing!!

(I'm not particularly afraid of failing though I think)

userguide
08-01-17, 10:12 PM
Easy. Code 302 - redirection ;)

I 've read somewhere that Schopenhauer said the best way to deal with your own **** is compassion and finding others who are in even worse ****.

It works for me once I realised how much my parents had it worse than I had.

When I compare myself to them, I feel embarassed.

I can't even think of comparing myself to my grands.

ADD.cat
08-01-17, 10:40 PM
hey fuzzy,

what kind of stuff has caused you to be resentful? i find that it's important for me to work through the why so i can either let it go if it's not relevant anymore or address it if it must be faced.

daveddd
08-01-17, 11:36 PM
sometimes you cant

the blind leading the blind would say reassess the situation, is it as resentment worthy as youre making it in your head?

if so, a direct confrontation with you airing your grievances may be the only option. or cutting ties

whatever happen good luck and i hope you work past it and feel better!

aeon
08-01-17, 11:42 PM
I don't know what to say other than think about what you are doing to yourself by holding on to those feelings.

You are creating them through thinking about certain things, thinking in a certain way.

The question is, why?

I would guess that you are trying to meet a need, or needs, by doing so. What is it, what are they?

The problem is one of cost, and for sure, the costs of feeling resentful, angry, and so on, are truly great...to your mind, your body, your heart, your relationships, your vocation and avocations, your equanimity, your chance to experience happiness.

Is it worth all that to you?

How to let go of those things? Well, that which goes unfed eventually withers and dies.

It becomes a question of your choice to keep them alive, or not.

Of course, it could be that one of your unmet needs is that of self-expression. If you hurt, if you feel pain as a result of someone else's actions, perhaps you have need to express that, and express that to them...not because it will change the past, not because you expect an apology, or anything at all, really. You speak your truth because to keep it within, unsaid and unexpressed, is not just taking away from the quality of your life, but is actually poisoning you.

Should you choose to forgive, remember that it is something you do for yourself, for your own well-being, not for anyone else, not for any other reason.

Others will misstep, and sometimes others will trespass against us. Once done, don't continue the violation of your boundaries by your own hand.

You can do what you like with your time and your energies. I would urge you to cultivate happiness and love where ye may. Cultivating resentment and anger yields fruit that is only bitter, and it does not nourish, nor does it satisfy.

Reclaim your autonomy and either do something about it, or just let it go. Don't continue to ruminate about things, because it does not serve you, and in the end, stasis, of whatever sort, is a kind of death. And a death you have to bear and live with is a hell made manifest.

You can choose otherwise, if you wish.

Life is short, and you only get one chance. With the time left to you, would you not want to avail yourself of that opportunity, if only to see if an unburdened heart is one capable of knowing joy, of becoming bliss?

What do you truly want, if it isn't to feel resentful and angry?


Namaste,
Ian

Unmanagable
08-02-17, 01:04 AM
I take a look at my energy account balance to see how much I'm actually spending on it and reevaluate and adjust as necessary whenever possible.

I can't afford much in the way of other peoples dysfunction on top of my own, but ironically, much of that dysfunction was a direct result of multiple actions of those closest to me, so yee-hah...hold on for the lifelong ride in the little shop of horrors.

Then I try to determine if it's even my baggage to be carrying, or if I can kindly return it to the rightful owner.

Clutter, be it in stuff or be it in thoughts, tends to trip me up and can often paralyze me straight into inaction.

For the ill feelings that hang on and won't seem to let go, wouldn't it be great if we could charge baggage fees like the airports do? Cha-ching.

sarahsweets
08-02-17, 04:43 AM
Sometimes its helpful to look at your part in the situation. I am not saying that there is fault involved but its still helpful to think about. Did you do or say something to someone? Did you not say something? Did something happen where a different choice should have been made?
I also found forgiveness for my own sake to be immensely helpful. People often assume that forgiveness is for the other person. That forgiving is so the other person is off the hook. IMO forgiveness is for the person with the resentment. Its a form of acceptance that things are the way they are, and that brooding about is not worth your time or energy. Letting go is freedom.

Little Missy
08-02-17, 09:50 AM
Fairly bad but I'm not talking about a specific instance. It's just that in the last 5-6 years the resentment against my loved ones has been building up and I'm just adding more fuel to it all the time (or mat be they are..). It flares up.several times during the day almost where I suddenly start thinking about all the ****ty things someone has done till I feel.searing anger. It gets worse when I'm down anyway or tired and I'm always tired these days.

Time seems to make it worse. I'd like to think my way out of it. I know it's not worth it but that doesn't change how I feel. What do you mean by bargaining?

I bargain within my mind as to just how long I want to live with the resentment, or accept it and move on.

stef
08-02-17, 04:19 PM
My mom remained resentful for things that had happened years ago and, I wouldn't want downplay the events, but I always felt just sad and perplexed that she would still be so bitter as her life was in many aspects quite happy; i guess i am trying to say, life can also be so beautiful and i hope the resentment is not stronger than the happier parts.

Little Missy
08-02-17, 06:39 PM
I know this sounds dumb, but sometimes a good cry, wash my face slap on some fresh mascara and remembering that tomorrow is another day dashes it out.

I mean really, after all, why would I be resentful of someone?

Fuzzy12
08-02-17, 06:52 PM
My mom remained resentful for things that had happened years ago and, I wouldn't want downplay the events, but I always felt just sad and perplexed that she would still be so bitter as her life was in many aspects quite happy; i guess i am trying to say, life can also be so beautiful and i hope the resentment is not stronger than the happier parts.

Yup that sounds like me. The resentment isn't stronger than the happier bits (not even close) but it's still eating up a good portion of my time.

I'd love to forgive. For my sake. I'm just not sure how. The only thing that seems to help is to remind myself of the good points of the person I'm feeling resentful about at that moment.

And I tell myself that the next time something happens that I'm likely to resent in the future I will speak up right there at that moment rather than accepting it and then feeling resentful later. I'm not sure I can though. I hate conflict and I hate being disagreeable.

kwalk
08-03-17, 12:01 AM
Talking to them about your feelings if needed. Remembering the good or great things about them. Remember no one is perfect, I've learned that many many times.

sarahsweets
08-03-17, 04:34 AM
I'd love to forgive. For my sake. I'm just not sure how. The only thing that seems to help is to remind myself of the good points of the person I'm feeling resentful about at that moment.

And I tell myself that the next time something happens that I'm likely to resent in the future I will speak up right there at that moment rather than accepting it and then feeling resentful later. I'm not sure I can though. I hate conflict and I hate being disagreeable.

I wish I could tell you how to forgive and you are right, it is for your own sake. And resentments happen after the fact so I dont think speaking right up will necessarily have impact as far as resentments are concerned. Maybe speaking up can help avoid resentments but I dont know if it would.

Forgiving to me, means making amends for my part in the situation and letting the rest of it fall where it may with the other person or situation. I have to think about the good in the other person, or at least think about their motivations. Were they trying to hurt me? Did they do something on purpose? Is there truth to the situation? Usually one of these things is yes and I try and attend to that one thing or things and talk to the person using "i" feeling words.
ex: "when you said something about xyz, I felt like you didnt think what I had said about the situation was important. It hurt me and I just want you to know that if I sent mixed messages I didnt mean to. I really feel xyz about this situation".
Owning your part is very important and is the key to freedom. There are times where no parts belong to you but I believe its very rare. Once you do that, your part in the situation is over and you have to let the rest fall upon the other person or people.

DJ Bill
08-05-17, 08:46 PM
Resentments are mental poison. Please do what you can to not think about them and accept the situation as something you don't need to worry about. It is what it is, you can't change anyone else but you can change your thoughts. So I've heard. I used to live on resentments and then have to move away to get rid of them. I don't do that anymore, or at least I try not to. Everything anyone else did to hurt me I am also capable of and may have done to someone else without even realizing it.

mctavish23
08-05-17, 09:16 PM
I learned from watching my parents remain miserable, in spite of having the makings of a fantastic life. They were never

happy, no matter what. The past, and all the resentments that came with it, were always alive and well, no matter what else

was going on.

Granted, it's taken a while for me to learn to forgive, but it's where I am now when it comes to conflicts. It works for me,

and I definitely feel better. I think going into Recovery helped make it possible, especially with the concept of learning to

"surrender."

Hope that helps some & Good Luck.

Robert

someothertime
08-06-17, 04:47 AM
When I feel it the strongest.... i'm in a world of externalisation so it's kind of hard to break it down in that state.... I have to forms of resentment. The more general...... """YOU PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE UNKIND""" and a more specific person ongoing resentment """THIS PERSON DELIBERATELY ENJOYS OTHERS SUFFERING"""......

The first one comes and goes..... harder to grasp in its undercurrents of self and personal flow ...... The second one is triggered by an individual..... and almost always at the front of my mind when they come into the picture..... even indirectly....... This one is deeper.... childlike....

I think a key, as with all emotions ( i wish!!! ) is to treat is as an indicator emotion.

A litmus paper.... not to you..... not to your soul... your worth...... directly.....

But as a pointer to reasons. No blame, guilt, shame..... nothing finite...... reasons to be thinking a certain way. Reasons we ask something from ourselves..... Expectations that form blinkers and pidgeon holes that "things fit into".

I wish I could do that too.......

We might just find out we have alot of valid reasons..... something not worthy of containment.

ADD.cat
08-07-17, 03:34 AM
I know this sounds dumb, but sometimes a good cry, wash my face slap on some fresh mascara and remembering that tomorrow is another day dashes it out.?

i don't think this sounds dumb at all :)

emotional release is almost always helpful in any situation. i also think little things like washing your face are great ways to transition into a better mood/mindset. i also like to brush my teeth, do a face mask, take a shower/bath. general hygiene makes me feel much better.

@fuzzy,

i think it's important to consider why you feel resentful and to decide whether you can reasonably expect the person you feel this towards to change so you don't feel the resentment.

I have held a lot of resentment towards my family for various reasons. with my mom, it was for the way she handled learning her youngest child was queer and how she to this day doesn't make the strongest effort to understand/respect me. my older brother was a bully/abusive when we were growing up and though he isn't as outright mean as he was, he is still a bully in other ways. my oldest brother treats his children much like he treated me when i was young: with aggression as a tactic for discipline/behavior modification. he was also homo/transphobic and hasn't made much of an effort to understand the consequences or the complexity of how it shapes his thinking now.

for me i've weighed the value of my relationships with them all individually. i am willing to dissolve a relationship with my brothers if they are unwilling to acknowledge how their behavior has and continues to affect me. (from speaking to my mom, i know that my older brother doesn't think his abuse is important to discuss because he thinks it was just 'kids being kids' and i'm not satisfied with that oversimplification). in my mind the ball is in their court to repair this relationship as i've made it clear why i feel bothered and i don't think it's my responsibility to hold their hand and spoon feed them instructions on how to treat me with respect. i don't need to feel the weight of resentment because i'd rather let a superficial relationship end than try to keep up appearances only to be disrespected and treated unfairly.

with my mom i am able to have an open dialogue with her and though it is difficult and emotionally taxing to do, we are both willing to meet each other halfway to resolve this conflict. i don't feel resentment because i know she wants to work with me to improve our relationship and i can talk to her about specific reasons i've resented her in the past.

consider for yourself if your resentment can be addressed with the parties involved. if not, is it worth continuing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to meet your needs? contrary to popular belief, you are not obligated to uphold a familial relationship simply because they are family. whether or not they're family, not all people are deserving of forgiveness. not to say they aren't worth trying to heal with/from, but don't let people ignore your needs and get away with it just because they're "family"

(hope this is helpful <3)

Fuzzy12
08-23-17, 07:31 PM
The resentment still continues to rear its ugly head. Things are so good at the moment but I still spend too much time feeling angry, irritated and resentful.

I don't want to hold on to it. I also don't want to talk about it as I'm not in a mood for an argument any time soon. There's also no.time to talk.

I wonder if there's a part or me that is storing resentment (or rather events where someone has treated me badly) in order to score points later. Or maybe to.defend myself in the future. I don't know. It needs to stop. I don't want to waste time on bring resentful.

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 07:05 AM
I am so annoyed. I guess I'll need to talk about it because otherwise it's just going to come out in an argument. But there's no time to talk and no privacy. And I'm not in the mood for an argument, which it surely is going to cause. So I just stew in silence trying to tell myself that all this is trivial and that in the future I just won't put up with **** anymore. But then what about the past and the **** I've put up with in the past??? Uggh..let go let go let go...

Little Missy
08-24-17, 07:08 AM
Unfortunately, we still have not completed a Time Machine for the past.

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 07:09 AM
Unfortunately, we still have not completed a Time Machine for the past.

Completed? Are you working on one?

Little Missy
08-24-17, 07:14 AM
Completed? Are you working on one?

Of course, you think I've just been bantering about it?

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 07:19 AM
Of course, you think I've just been bantering about it?

Complete it then!!

Little Missy
08-24-17, 07:26 AM
Complete it then!!

I'm unable to find the connection between changing the past to accommodate the future. Or even to accommodate for today.

Unfortunately, it seems that if I went back to the past I may get stuck.

Little Missy
08-24-17, 07:54 AM
http://colemanzone.com/images(5)/Jack%20Polito/T_Machine_final_1.jpg

sometimes the details slow it down

Little Missy
08-24-17, 08:25 AM
Complete it then!!

You used to talk about it, how are you coming along?

Probably a sleeker version.

stef
08-24-17, 11:55 AM
Of course, you think I've just been bantering about it?

Make it schmancy :)

Fuzzy i think i see,
The difficulty of both feeling resentment AND being nonconfrontational
I get this feeling at work, its exhausting!

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 03:17 PM
Make it schmancy :)

Fuzzy i think i see,
The difficulty of both feeling resentment AND being nonconfrontational
I get this feeling at work, its exhausting!

Yes!!! :eek::(

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 03:19 PM
Missy it's a bit complicated now. What about fuzzling if I turn back time? I mean theoretically I know that it shouldn't matter to her but. ..well, I dont know.:scratch:

Little Missy
08-24-17, 03:23 PM
Missy it's a bit complicated now. What about fuzzling if I turn back time? I mean theoretically I know that it shouldn't matter to her but. ..well, I dont know.:scratch:

yeah, see what I mean? theoretically no, but once you do turn back time what if? :confused::eek:

aeon
08-24-17, 03:48 PM
<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BsKbwR7WXN4" allowfullscreen="" height="405" frameborder="0" width="720"> time="173"</iframe>

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 05:06 PM
OK...resentment is the issue. .. not time travel....:lol::lol:

Little Missy
08-24-17, 05:10 PM
OK...resentment is the issue. .. not time travel....:lol::lol:

You're laughing! Make a quarkly frosted cake! :D

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 05:11 PM
You're laughing! Make a quarkly frosted cake! :D

I am. Tomorrow!!

I just realised that I forgot to buy quark.:eek::doh:

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 05:11 PM
:doh::doh::doh:

Fuzzy12
08-24-17, 05:12 PM
I suppose yogurt might work instead of quark?? :scratch:

Little Missy
08-24-17, 09:31 PM
I suppose yogurt might work instead of quark?? :scratch:

No.

Eventually you'll tire of the resentment and it'll only bother you occasionally. Unless you're after a monetary fix or an unfelt apology. Fly light, leave the resentment. Never allow the resented a chance to cause any more ill will with you.

Little Missy
08-24-17, 09:32 PM
I suppose yogurt might work instead of quark?? :scratch:

Possibly.

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 08:20 PM
So I had the talk. In the middle of making cake. So it's 1am and I've just put the cake in the oven.:doh::doh::doh:

I stirred and stirred and stirred the mixture because I couldn't do anything else while talking so I'm hoping it will be good.

And it was a decent talk under the circumstances. Long day. Super tired. Super long day ahead but at least it's out now and I think I made my point and more importantly, I think the point was accepted and understood. Good enough.

Maybe I can feel a bit lighter now.

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 08:24 PM
Can't remember though when I put the cake in the oven. :doh:

Little Missy
08-25-17, 08:28 PM
Can't remember though when I put the cake in the oven. :doh:

Just open the oven and look, touch the middle of the cake lightly with the tip of your finger. If it springs back its either done, or overdone!

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 08:34 PM
Just open the oven and look, touch the middle of the cake lightly with the tip of your finger. If it springs back its either done, or overdone!

What about the whole stick a fork in it and see if it comes out clean :eek:

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 08:35 PM
I tried that. It's a bit bouncy but probably needs a bit more time. Thanks for the tip!!:D

Little Missy
08-25-17, 08:38 PM
What about the whole stick a fork in it and see if it comes out clean :eek:

nah, use a piece of the broom or a toothpick.

Little Missy
08-25-17, 08:40 PM
And whats with all of the cake talk? What KIND of cake???!!! Geez, you can't just say cake.

I'm a bit frightened you may have beat it too long but I don't really know.

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 08:43 PM
And whats with all of the cake talk? What KIND of cake???!!! Geez, you can't just say cake.

I'm a bit frightened you may have beat it too long but I don't really know.

Can you beat it too long?? :eek::faint:

Same old sugar free banana cake..

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2451651/sugarfree-banana-cake

Fuzzling loves it!!

Little Missy
08-25-17, 08:53 PM
Can you beat it too long?? :eek::faint:

Same old sugar free banana cake..

https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/2451651/sugarfree-banana-cake

Fuzzling loves it!!

well, it just makes it tough, no biggie. I read the recipe and it sounds good, only no agave syrup. its worse than sugar.

its done now, get it out. :D

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 09:00 PM
well, it just makes it tough, no biggie. I read the recipe and it sounds good, only no agave syrup. its worse than sugar.

its done now, get it out. :D

No agave syrup. It's sweet enough with the bananas and raisins.

Done? OK then :D

aeon
08-25-17, 09:19 PM
I stirred and stirred and stirred the mixture because I couldn't do anything else while talking so I'm hoping it will be good.

...backs away in horror... :eek:


Lulz,
Ian

TheGreatKing
08-26-17, 04:55 PM
Well, maybe try and write it down(experiences,feelings) and the after you write your experience or negative feelings, go head and write what you would do different or how to handle it next time that it occurs. Sometimes it helps to write down whats going on in life to get a better perspective on it. hopefully makes sense.

sarahsweets
08-27-17, 06:30 AM
Well, maybe try and write it down(experiences,feelings) and the after you write your experience or negative feelings, go head and write what you would do different or how to handle it next time that it occurs. Sometimes it helps to write down whats going on in life to get a better perspective on it. hopefully makes sense.

Thats actually great advice. My Dad died when he was 47 and through sobriety I had to learn to let some things go. I wrote him a letter and spelled it all out and then burned it. He was dead so I couldnt give it to him but that helped.

midnightstar
08-27-17, 06:41 AM
This is a mod note from your local, friendly moderating team. Please keep the topic to letting go of resentment :) Thanks in advance :)

KitCat
09-30-17, 06:24 PM
Letting go of resentment is a difficult thing for me as well. At times, it feels as if I am haunted by past events, by things in which I feel I was wronged and were never resolved.

Writing things down can help. Talking and venting can also help. My problem is even when I do this, feel I've gotten past something, a memory will be triggered, and the resentment will pop back up unexpectedly.

Maybe letting go isn't the answer, but learning how to accept the past is what it is, and learning how to cope with the fact that we cannot change what has happened.

It's kind of an ongoing process. Different for each individual and each situation.

My hope is that the resentment, along with the pain that accompanies it, will eventually subside over time.