View Full Version : How to handle a controlling coworker


anonymouslyadd
08-01-17, 11:29 PM
I've discussed my pseudo-boss in another thread, and I'm struggling with how to handle her. She's overbearing, controlling and feels the need to comment on many things, from the conversations I have on my cell phone to me pulling out a vacuum cleaner. I received great advice in that thread here (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=187007), but I'd like to explore this further.

Some of the advice I've been given involved documenting everything. Other advice included me overlooking the issue with her, due to all of the good things about the job.

I work in a call center and I'm good at speaking to people over the phone. I make jokes and say funny things to people. The other day a crank caller called me, and we went back and forth a little bit. The guy in the cubicle next to me said my pseudo-boss pulled that call and listened to it. That same day the guy next to me said that my pseudo boss didn't like something I was saying on the phones, told another coworker, who asked me not to say it.

She makes me angry, and I want to put her in her place so bad. She wasn't always like this. I waiver on flipping out on her or becoming depressed over the issue.

anonymouslyadd
08-01-17, 11:41 PM
Someothertime wrote this below:

O' I wish I had been able to detach a bit more, try stay pragmatic and see these peripheral matters as just that, nod my head and let them blow over...... Resistance even if truth within systems spawns collateral pressures..... just not worth it. ( At least when it effects your livelyhood and day to day enjoyment of the majority of what you do ).....

Kiltedscotsman said this:

The idea of "I know this is the right thing to do for the company" is irrelevant to both your co-workers and your bosses. It doesn't matter if you get great sales figures and your customers will pay twice as much to buy from you.

What matters is the underlying subconscious interactions. The organisational psychologist Berne said there are two levels of interaction... the overt which is what we consciously hear (and sometimes see), and the "ulterior" which happens at a subconscious level. He said the outcome of the interaction is DEFINED by the ULTERIOR PROCESS.

This means that you can do great things and boost the organisation as much as you want.... if you ignore the ulterior transactions of your peers you will eventually be disciplined/fired.

Pilgrim said this:

I couldn't agree more about what Kilted just said. Those ulterior motives are really what makes those situations tick.

I remember a friend saying to me once, ' those people done up in a pretty bow ' are always to be weary of.

I hope this helps but make yourself as small a target as possible. A good thing is that she is really not your boss. I've sort of always lived by the mantra anything you say will be used against you. I've also learned of late, if you end to defend yourself do so with grace. Goodluck.

Sarahsweets said this:

Since your actual boss thinks you are doing fine and because he told you to ignore the fake boss, then any further interaction with the fake boss should always be documented, even if you write down the date,time, and subject of your interactions. You want to protect yourself. Anything you can get thats solid, like emails, notes etc. should be kept in a file so you can show your actual boss. Did your boss tell you what to do when she gets involved in your business? Its one thing to tell you to ignore her, but you need to know what to do when you have to deal with her.

Acdc01 said this:


I'd personally let it go for now but if she seems ****** off at you again, I'd personally go to your boss again and ask if there is a way to make her understand she's not responsible for you and your actions so she doesn't have to provide any instructions or supervise you(aka she's not your boss, butt out). I'd also say "like maybe say blah blah blah to her". Basically, feed him the exact words you recommend so he has a better chance of handling the situation right this time. He should say things in a way that doesn't upset her, makes her feel like she's in trouble, or let her know that you ratted her out to your boss.

Acdc01 added this too:

Making her understand you've got things covered isn't just about showing her your results. My mom uswd to never feel safe when I was helping her sell a car or house while she felt perfectly safe with my sister. It's not cause my sister has better results than me. It's cause my sister thinks much more similarly to the way my mom thinks than I do. So she feels assured my sister will do what is best which in her mind is what she herself would do. That said, she now is less scared of me cause by now, she's seen my results more after all these years. You could also make sure your pseudo boss sees your results but do it in a way that doesn't seem like you are bragging.

Pilgrim added this too:

I've seen people keep there job although they are horrible to get along with.
Try to put her out of your mind, it won't help dwelling on her.
Your boss won't do anything, or say anything to her, in regards to this incident.

There is much more to this situation but I found that when I put all my energy into the performance side of work this was a mistake. Cause when I'm fatigued that's when I'm likely to have a problem with someone. I always performed but stopped making it the be all and end all.

Kiltedscotsman added this too:


One of the things that is useful is the "Life Positions" (aka Ernst's "OK Corral") in it's simplest form this says that the place to be is to feel that "I'm OK, You're OK" even when confronted by illogical behaviour..... be cause there are reasons for the odd behaviour that make some kind of sense in the world of the person doing them.

Sarahsweets added this too:

I dont think there is anything wrong with getting your real boss to clarify the chain of command. It shows you are interested in the company and your place in it. Once you know for sure that she has little to nothing to do with your place as an employee you can answer everything she says to you "Thanks for your feedback, Ill think about that."

namazu
08-02-17, 12:10 AM
I'd be very interested to know how things look from her perspective.

Can you put yourself in her place and imagine it?

That could maybe help you get a better handle on the situation.

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 12:14 AM
I'd be very interested to know how things look from her perspective.

Can you put yourself in her place and imagine it?

That could maybe help you get a better handle on the situation.
Well, she's probably upset about me not realizing that she's my boss. My coworker said that they don't like people questioning them. I understand that. I think she's a very insecure person and needs to control things in order to make herself feel better. Why the hell am I listening to her?

What worries me is that she comes across as a devoted, hard-working employee, which is probably true. However, she's also driven by her need to control things.

You should have heard her handling a potential fraud cause. She was like a pit bull. She's very good at pointing out the negative.

namazu
08-02-17, 12:23 AM
Why the hell am I listening to her?
Maybe because she's your (pseudo-?)boss, and you want this job, and she's not asking you to do anything unethical, immoral, or harmful? (Is she?)

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 12:24 AM
While she's pointing out all of my mistakes, there are items that she's supposed to be getting to our group but hasn't. She and the old COO did this all the time. They would promise things and not follow through.

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 12:29 AM
Maybe because she's your (pseudo-?)boss, and you want this job, and she's not asking you to do anything unethical, immoral, or harmful? (Is she?)
That's true.

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 12:48 AM
When I was a kid, I was never taught how to handle someone who said something that bothered me. My stepdad said to ignore it, but my mom disagreed. She seemed to want to focus on it. Moreover, I was never taught to just let things go. I don't know if other people here have that struggle. She's not even my friend! Who cares what she says?

stef
08-02-17, 03:22 AM
Whatever happens don't let this take away the energy you are using right now, to be doing well at your job!

They probably really need someone like this, an organized controlling pitbull type.

Is she like this with everyone? If yes, than really dont give it much more thought and just act "professional" around her.
(not that you aren't professional! )

its a balance of not engaging with her if possible but not acting emotional and defensive, when you do.
the weird parts are running into someone like that unexpectedly in the hallway or coffee machine and just trying to say "hello" , normally.
the most awkward is if I am fixing my makeup and our HR manager comes in the bathroom to rinse her tea cup.

I say this because she is like this. Yet, I am the assistant to HER boss. So i have this kind of "immunity". Yet I often feel a wave of disapproval if I am a bit scattered (she sometimes calls me to see about when certain meetings are scheduled).

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 09:19 AM
Whatever happens don't let this take away the energy you are using right now, to be doing well at your job!
Good point. I'm really trying to not let this get me down!
They probably really need someone like this, an organized controlling pitbull type.
This is probably true. She does have value and a very important job.
Is she like this with everyone? If yes, than really dont give it much more thought and just act "professional" around her.
(not that you aren't professional! )
Kind of. It seems a little more extreme in my case, though.

anonymouslyadd
08-02-17, 10:07 PM
I confirmed that she can't fire me, but she's more of an authority figure than I realized.

Background:
I called a meeting with the sales team (three) about one of us being a liaison between our company and one of our partners. The pseudo-boss was the liaison, with a ton of responsibility. The purpose of that meeting was to talk about one of us being the liaison instead of the pseudo-boss. Then, I was going to talk the pseudo-boss, which I did and ask her if one of us could be the liaison and not her.

She thought that she should have been part of the first meeting. I didn't agree with that. I get what I did wrong.

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 03:57 PM
I use an app called send out cards to send people personal cards that they receive in the mail. I've sent many of these to my customers, and they enjoy them. With recent events that have occurred with my pseudo-boss, I'm questioning whether I should send them or not. I need advice on that.

My pseudo-boss has basically told me not to send them out, because we have to have the company name on them. What she doesn't know is that I have a way of printing the company name on the back of the card.

There's a holiday coming up, and I'd like to send a batch of cards to some of my best customers. After the two and a half hour meeting and another meeting this past week, I'm worried about sending them.

Should I not send them? Should I just go above the pseudo-boss and talk to the president about it?

Unmanagable
08-05-17, 04:23 PM
I wouldn't send them unless she knows you can print the company name on them and she approves it.

I wouldn't go over her head to inquire about something she has made clear isn't cool to do, especially with all the other stuff that's been going on. It would be adding unnecessary fuel to the fire.

You might have missed your opportunity to have it approved when you didn't readily mention how you can and have been printing the company name on them. Do they offer any type of company post card or note cards you can use in place of the app you're currently using?

A good old fashioned hand written thank you note should make some good impressions, too. What's the company policy on interacting with customers outside of the actual transactions taking place, especially regarding follow-up and holiday correspondence, etc. like you're using?

midnightstar
08-05-17, 04:23 PM
I use an app called send out cards to send people personal cards that they receive in the mail. I've sent many of these to my customers, and they enjoy them. With recent events that have occurred with my pseudo-boss, I'm questioning whether I should send them or not. I need advice on that.

My pseudo-boss has basically told me not to send them out, because we have to have the company name on them. What she doesn't know is that I have a way of printing the company name on the back of the card.

There's a holiday coming up, and I'd like to send a batch of cards to some of my best customers. After the two and a half hour meeting and another meeting this past week, I'm worried about sending them.

Should I not send them? Should I just go above the pseudo-boss and talk to the president about it?

See what the one above the pseudo (sp) boss says :grouphug:

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 04:27 PM
I wouldn't send them unless she knows you can print the company name on them and she approves it.

I wouldn't go over her head to inquire about something she has made clear isn't cool to do, especially with all the other stuff that's been going on. It would be adding unnecessary fuel to the fire.

You might have missed your opportunity to have it approved when you didn't readily mention how you can and have been printing the company name on them. Do they offer any type of company post card or note cards you can use in place of the app you're currently using?
I hate this lady! I'm doing things that I've learned from very successful sales people, and I get flack every ******* step of the way. I didn't realize the branding stuff that you could do.

We have a new president, who's never seen the app before. Couldn't I justify the meeting because he would need to approve it?
A good old fashioned hand written thank you note should make some good impressions, too. What's the company policy on interacting with customers outside of the actual transactions taking place, especially regarding follow-up and holiday correspondence, etc. like you're using?
Hand written cards are great but when you can send real cards to 15 people in 15 minutes, it's hard to justify doing the alternative. Also, the app is more affordable to use than the hand-written method. I can send a card for less than the cost of going to Hallmark, purchasing a card and then placing a stamp on it.

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 04:43 PM
See what the one above the pseudo (sp) boss says :grouphug:
I want to. I really do. I actually mentioned it to the president yesterday, and he said that we can meet about it.

Unmanagable
08-05-17, 04:47 PM
I understand and also feel it's a good move to make, but those very successful sales people aren't the ones currently supervising you.

I'd suggest meeting with her to discuss the benefits of it and why you think it's such a good idea, perhaps show her some kind of proven track record in how doing so has helped keep or possibly gain more customers, and see if you can work together on it instead of trying to go above and around her.

She's there and isn't going anywhere. She's got more power than you first anticipated, from what I read in another post, so that's been clearly established.

She can make your work life hell. Especially as long as you keep giving her the power to do so in your mind. The only thing you can truly control about any of this is how you respond to each thing that royally pi***s you off about her.

She may surprise you if you approach things differently. Maybe not. It's a crap shoot either way. However, if your mindset is already dead set on the "hate" mode before even trying, it'll be really hard to view her as a team player in any regard, no matter how many meetings you have with any of the bosses.

If you feel it's an issue that absolutely can't be resolved without having someone over her be a part of it, then invite them to the meeting, also, but I'd be leery of calling so many meetings so often as you'll eventually be viewed as a high maintenance employee requiring much time and effort.

I'd spend some more time trying to figure out why she was getting to me on such a deep level and see if I could untangle that. I wonder if it was a guy doing the same things, would you feel any differently about how to approach it, or would it feel the same, do you think?

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 05:13 PM
I understand and also feel it's a good move to make, but those very successful sales people aren't the ones currently supervising you.

I'd suggest meeting with her to discuss the benefits of it and why you think it's such a good idea, perhaps show her some kind of proven track record in how doing so has helped keep or possibly gain more customers, and see if you can work together on it instead of trying to go above and around her.

She's there and isn't going anywhere. She's got more power than you first anticipated, from what I read in another post, so that's been clearly established.
Thanks for understanding and being OK with my cursing about this lady. It wasn't at you. It was out of my frustration with her.

I tried to get her to sign up with an account so she could send a card to her friend. Something always came up, and I gave up. Maybe I should try again.

People like her always last. I know that. She has the authority to direct our actions and everything. However, she can't fire us.
She can make your work life hell. Especially as long as you keep giving her the power to do so in your mind. The only thing you can truly control about any of this is how you respond to each thing that royally pi***s you off about her.
So you don't think upper management being happy with my work means anything? You don't think that they'd have my back? The president said "to put my mind at ease" about my job and job security. I'm really curious as to what you think.
She may surprise you if you approach things differently. Maybe not. It's a crap shoot either way. However, if your mindset is already dead set on the "hate" mode before even trying, it'll be really hard to view her as a team player in any regard, no matter how many meetings you have with any of the bosses.

If you feel it's an issue that absolutely can't be resolved without having someone over her be a part of it, then invite them to the meeting, also, but I'd be leery of calling so many meetings so often as you'll eventually be viewed as a high maintenance employee requiring much time and effort.
I'm thinking about trying to use my new negotiating skills to show tactical empathy so she feels like I understand her. I know, and I won't let that mindset fester if I try a different tactic with her.
I'd spend some more time trying to figure out why she was getting to me on such a deep level and see if I could untangle that. I wonder if it was a guy doing the same things, would you feel any differently about how to approach it, or would it feel the same, do you think?
I don't like being controlled. I guess I like having freedom on the job, and I feel like she's restricting that freedom. She's up my *** quite a bit. Also, there are many things that she's supposed to get done that haven't been done. She makes promises to get us materials that we need to do our jobs and then I guess she forgets about them. That's another ongoing issue that I'm trying to figure out how to handle. How could I not go above her about the issue with getting things done on time? I'm thinking that I should give her the opportunity to explain what's happening first.

Unmanagable
08-05-17, 05:16 PM
Just another thought that popped into my head about printing the company logo on your cards. Did your top boss already know you were doing it and including the logo? If so, rock on.

Copyright issues might be worth looking into, too. I wonder what the guidelines within their company are about using the logo without first getting permission.

You'd think a company would appreciate you going above and beyond and be full of gratitude, but legalities often throw a huge wrench in the best of notions.

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 05:29 PM
Just another thought that popped into my head about printing the company logo on your cards. Did your top boss already know you were doing it and including the logo? If so, rock on.
Do you mean our new president? I don't believe so. Actually, the guy who hired me gave me the OK to send the cards months and months ago. He's no longer here, though.

I've been sending cards to the employees here to be nice and to also do some marketing. The guy next to me had a birthday, and I just sent him a card with brownies. He should get it sometime next week. Hopefully, the pseudo-boss will see or hear about it.
Copyright issues might be worth looking into, too. I wonder what the guidelines within their company are about using the logo without first getting permission.
My first thought is that I'm not selling or making money off the logo. I've actually been paying out of my own pocket to send my customers cards.
You'd think a company would appreciate you going above and beyond and be full of gratitude, but legalities often throw a huge wrench in the best of notions.
I was just thinking the same thing! Usually companies have a difficult time getting employees to go above and beyond the call of duty, right? I don't even need the appreciation or recognition. Although, that would be nice. I know that I'm good at my job. I just want to be left alone to do it.

Unmanagable
08-05-17, 05:41 PM
I tried to get her to sign up with an account so she could send a card to her friend. Something always came up, and I gave up. Maybe I should try again.

You were trying to convince her to sign up to send personal stuff to a friend, but you're using it for work. Maybe she views it as not professional? Not all folks are into the app scene and such, especially the more old school peeps. Hard to know without asking straight up.

So you don't think upper management being happy with my work means anything? You don't think that they'd have my back? The president said "to put my mind at ease" about my job and job security.

Of course it means something. It means a whole hell of a lot. But it isn't by any means a 100% guarantee that they'll continue to be as happy as they are now, especially if they keep having to run interference in helping to resolve issues and sort out the dynamics between you two.

I'm thinking about trying to use my new negotiating skills to show tactical empathy so she feels like I understand her. I know, and I won't let that mindset fester if I try a different tactic with her.

Sounds like it's worth a shot. Just be mindful that you don't try too hard in either direction and go for some balance.

I don't like being controlled. I guess I like having freedom on the job, and I feel like she's restricting that freedom. She's up my *** quite a bit. Also, there are many things that she's supposed to get done that haven't been done.

Could you be feeling resentment for the fact that she's slacking in getting stuff done, and continually getting away with it while she's riding your a**, while you have a great track record of getting stuff done, yet she has a higher position in the company and is making work life as you knew it difficult all of a sudden?

How could I not go above her about the issue with getting things done on time? I'm thinking that I should give her the opportunity to explain what's happening first.

I think it's always a good idea, whenever possible and feasible, to start with the person you have an issue with than it is to go above their head. It helps establish mutual respect and opens extra lines of communication that otherwise wouldn't be open, when it works well.

When it blows up in our face, it provides what I refer to as yet another f'n growth opportunity.

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 05:41 PM
I'd spend some more time trying to figure out why she was getting to me on such a deep level and see if I could untangle that. I wonder if it was a guy doing the same things, would you feel any differently about how to approach it, or would it feel the same, do you think?
I cannot control her. I'm learning how to handle people's comments when they're negative. What I don't like is her perception of the power she has over me.

For instance, the Saturday before the two and a half hour meeting, she mentioned wondering why I was in the office on a Saturday. I don't normally work Saturday's and so I guess that made her curious. I came to the office to get my lap top's power cord. However, is it really her business why I came into the office on Saturday? What's the big deal? What if I wanted to do work here?

Unmanagable
08-05-17, 05:55 PM
It's pretty much anybody's business why you're in the office during off hours who is above you in rank in the company, as I see it.

Even people below you in rank not doing the same job could inquire, like the janitor could question it, I would think, especially if he was the one responsible for locking up, having lights off, etc.

It doesn't sound like she made a big deal out of it, but just mentioned it, as you said.

She mentioned it, your mind took off running with it and is trying to make a big deal out of it, most likely because of you already feeling she's been up your a** about everything else.

Tell your mind to settle down and give you a break. Send it to the space where your boss said you do good work, take some deep breaths, shake off the feelings of being pi***d off, practice your new tactics for approaching her, and have a good weekend.

Good luck with getting it all worked out in your head space. I'm off to the garden. Goodbye screen, hello green. Peace.

anonymouslyadd
08-05-17, 06:09 PM
You were trying to convince her to sign up to send personal stuff to a friend, but you're using it for work. Maybe she views it as not professional? Not all folks are into the app scene and such, especially the more old school peeps. Hard to know without asking straight up.
I told her that I would pay for her to send a card to her friend. I can set up a gift account for people to log in and everything. I wanted her to see how people respond to a card with a picture of themselves and the friend on the front of the card.

Send out cards has options for individual people and also businesses. It's a relationship building tool.

Your app and technical points are valid but easy to overcome. When you see how the cards make people feel, they'll be more inclined to learn it. Plus, she's only 40 or something and seems savvy enough.
Of course it means something. It means a whole hell of a lot. But it isn't by any means a 100% guarantee that they'll continue to be as happy as they are now, especially if they keep having to run interference in helping to resolve issues and sort out the dynamics between you two.
Well, they definitely shouldn't have to be a referee, and if things declined, then that could put me in an unfavorable position.
Could you be feeling resentment for the fact that she's slacking in getting stuff done, and continually getting away with it while she's riding your a**, while you have a great track record of getting stuff done, yet she has a higher position in the company and is making work life as you knew it difficult all of a sudden?
I don't know. I know that I'm not used to her micromanaging. I'm used to things being more laid back, which I enjoyed given how much pressure I already place on myself to perform. Things have changed, and I'm trying to get used to her managerial style. She doesn't explain things very well and doesn't understand that people need to have procedures in place in order to do something a certain way. It's not just with ADDers.

Also, the expectations are not clear here and when you make a mistake, it's seen as a terrible thing or something you should have known. However, we didn't know, because we weren't trained right in the first place.

It's good that she's providing more structure and guidelines for us to work within. That should help us manage issues and hopefully alleviate some existing ones.
I think it's always a good idea, whenever possible and feasible, to start with the person you have an issue with than it is to go above their head. It helps establish mutual respect and opens extra lines of communication that otherwise wouldn't be open, when it works well.
I want to, but I'm worried about her reaction to that. Is she going to be mad about me asking her about the items we were promised two Fridays ago?

Pilgrim
08-05-17, 07:19 PM
I've always found that when I'm getting a bit OCD ' d by a situation I need to break away.

Work out her personality, and don't let her know she's pushing you.

This is a season and it will end.

finallyfound10
08-11-17, 01:41 PM
I got heart palpitations just reading through this.

I would be a nervous wreck all of the time. I am extremely impressed with how you are handling all of this. I can let people take up ALL of my head space and can become really messed up. No one can see so no one knows but it is very difficult for me.

Good luck.

sarahsweets
08-12-17, 06:03 AM
Since she has been there a long time, is all this up your as* stuff fairly new? Or is it something that happened over time?

sarahsweets
08-12-17, 06:08 AM
Being kind and showing compassion and empathy even when you do not feel it for someone is a good way to disarm them, Its also a good way to grow as a person. Have you ever clashed with someone for a long while and then the smallest thing sheds light on something and all of a sudden you feel completely different about them? Thats happened here. There were people I was afraid of that I love now and people who I clashed with over and over again about the same things, and then one day I thought about it, reached out and things are good now. One person I thought I never could learn from until I stripped away my own layers and now I love her mother earth peace and have gotten some good advice. All that took was a little compassion, empathy and an ego squash and life is so much better because of it. The whole "kill em with kindness" thing isnt a crock of sh*t. It takes major effort and then through that effort it becomes habit. Even the biggest as*hole has a hard time being an as*hole if they cant bait you into their nasty game.

acdc01
08-12-17, 11:02 AM
Hope you are holding up ok anonymouslyadd.

I get the feeling that your pseudo boss and you just have different ideas on how to do things and you'll never be able to convince her on your ways.

If it was one of your other coworkers coming up with these different ideas you have like the cards, would she agree to them or is she singling you out on this?

If she fundamentally believes your approach is wrong, I think you'd be better off looking for another job or figure out a way for you to be able to do things her way without it taking away your happiness.

Also, it sounds like she plays the exact same role my official boss does. He can't fire me directly either. He has authority to direct the actions of our group, meaning he can direct my actions too. If I don't do as he says, I'm undermining his authority. He might then make a request to a higher up to have me fired. If he made that request 99% chance I'd be fired regardless of good performance. They would value him over me and they would not keep someone who doesn't respect authority. Is it the same for you?

If so, I'd do everything as she requests for now with a smile and compliment her ideas that you do think are good. If you at all suspect she wants to have you fired already, I'd look for another job just in case. Sorry don't want to put more stress on you, like I said, I can't see your situation so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

If you are stressing out over this, I'd definitely try to relax. Not good for your health and easier to make rash decisions when we are calm.

Sorry, I wish I could give better advice but it does sound like you are in a tough spot. Take care.

Arei
08-14-17, 10:09 PM
I'd nicely ask if she could outline specific tasks or ways of doing the job she would prefer you to do it, and see if that makes a difference. Taking interest in her way of doing things may make her more familiar with you and she'll stay off you a bit. Somethings may be asinine and ridiculous, but if it gets her off you, it gets her off you.

Or you can do what I tell my psuedoboss, which is reel in the OCD and complain a little less. We like each other well enough, but she's neurotic about certain things and I'm like "slow down there-" and I'm the only one that says anything. Sometimes being direct works. Just don't say anything snappy if this is someone who could terminate you, or has heavy influence over the person that could terminate you.

Or approach it from both of these angles, and ask to chat and explain that you feel she's a bit overbearing and the pressure is affecting your job. You want to work together and find a good medium for completing your work in an acceptable fashion.

If being polite still doesn't work, document everything and give it to her boss. I wouldn't let it go, personally. If it's affecting your work and/or office morale, its a problem.

anonymouslyadd
08-14-17, 10:20 PM
Since she has been there a long time, is all this up your as* stuff fairly new? Or is it something that happened over time?
I've actually been here longer than she has. My coworker says that it's because I question things. I think it's a fairly new thing.

anonymouslyadd
08-15-17, 08:33 AM
Yesterday she told me that I had to be logged into a particular website that we use to communicate with prospective customers. This seemed crazy to me. It seems like the expectations are not written in stone and are constantly changing. I don't know how to handle this.

namazu
08-15-17, 02:32 PM
Yesterday she told me that I had to be logged into a particular website that we use to communicate with prospective customers. This seemed crazy to me. It seems like the expectations are not written in stone and are constantly changing. I don't know how to handle this.
Welcome to the dynamic workplace! Expectations and protocols often do change, and as employees, we're expected to adapt. ADHD doesn't always make that easy.

In the years I've been associated with my current place (in different capacities), the systems for things like submitting timesheets, submitting receipts for travel reimbursement, setting up purchase orders, and even the e-mail system have changed multiple times. Sometimes the changes make things more efficient; sometimes they...well, let's just say they don't. And the changeover from one system to another can be a real bear.

Unless there's more to the story, it doesn't sound crazy to me that you're expected to log into a system for communicating with prospective customers when you're communicating with prospective customers.

When you say you don't know how to handle this, what do you mean?

Your pseudo-boss has informed you of the expectations, so now (since they're not unethical or immoral) you follow them.

Does the new system record your phone calls ("for transparency purposes")? Is the system just a pain in some way? What about this expectation bothers you?

If you have trouble remembering, leave yourself some kind of note. If you feel like you could/should have known about this earlier (e.g. all your colleagues were aware), but you didn't, you could tell your pseudo-boss that it would help if she sent you new protocols in writing so that you can be sure to implement them.

If you feel like having to log into the system is actually hindering your sales performance (say, if it cuts off phone calls, or is a major distraction), it seems reasonable to let her (or maybe your friendlier higher-up bosses) know that, since it has an adverse effect on your job performance. But it needs to be done tactfully'strategically, in a way that indicates you're looking out for the best interests of the company/your customers.

sarahsweets
08-15-17, 03:48 PM
I've actually been here longer than she has. My coworker says that it's because I question things. I think it's a fairly new thing.

So just out of the blue she decided to start picking on you? Do you think your boss said something like" keep an eye on him and let me know how he's doing" (or whats he's up to, hows his work, does he understand things)
Maybe you do question things and she feels threatened. Maybe she feels like you should understand the way things go by now. I guess to play devil's advocate, I'd be bothered by a fellow employee questioning me, and I'd probably throw it right back at them. Its just not adding up to me.

sarahsweets
08-15-17, 03:58 PM
Yesterday she told me that I had to be logged into a particular website that we use to communicate with prospective customers. This seemed crazy to me. It seems like the expectations are not written in stone and are constantly changing. I don't know how to handle this.
Look, you know I am blunt so forgive me if it sounds harsh. Go to your real boss and tell him whats going on. Make sure its clear who you have to listen to AND that you know all the protocols for interacting with customers, the order and steps work has to be done in and all that. Ask him if she has any say over your performance and evaluations. Make sure you here it from the boss how things are supposed to be done, and what you are specifically supposed to do. Then when she has something to say to you about how you are doing things you can say" Really? Let me double check with Mr. Boss" or "I was told differently, I was told it has to be done xyz way" Or if she's right which I would think is the case more often than not, say thanks and move on. At this point its not about it being her fault or about her picking on you. Its not about whether she is right or not. Its about the stress you have over work. It doesnt matter if in the past you have used your personal funds or times to do things for your customers-it has to end. It doesnt matter if you have always done it one way- do it her or the boss's way. You are spending way too much time on this whole thing and the only way to fix it is to change your own behavior.

anonymouslyadd
08-15-17, 10:37 PM
Welcome to the dynamic workplace! Expectations and protocols often do change, and as employees, we're expected to adapt. ADHD doesn't always make that easy.

In the years I've been associated with my current place (in different capacities), the systems for things like submitting timesheets, submitting receipts for travel reimbursement, setting up purchase orders, and even the e-mail system have changed multiple times. Sometimes the changes make things more efficient; sometimes they...well, let's just say they don't. And the changeover from one system to another can be a real bear.

Unless there's more to the story, it doesn't sound crazy to me that you're expected to log into a system for communicating with prospective customers when you're communicating with prospective customers.
Let me explain. I actually don't have to use that website anymore! I got one of the other sales guys to suggest that I handle our web chat, and he'll handle the one I struggled with.
When you say you don't know how to handle this, what do you mean?
I think I was unsure what to do when I felt like the expectations weren't clear.
Does the new system record your phone calls ("for transparency purposes")? Is the system just a pain in some way? What about this expectation bothers you?
The website doesn't update automatically and has no mechanism for notifying you when a new message arrives. It just appears, without warning. That was the hardest part. I had a hard time using the website, and thank God I won't have to anymore. :)
If you have trouble remembering, leave yourself some kind of note. If you feel like you could/should have known about this earlier (e.g. all your colleagues were aware), but you didn't, you could tell your pseudo-boss that it would help if she sent you new protocols in writing so that you can be sure to implement them.
The task feature on my iPad has been amazing at setting regular reminders to help me remember to check certain things. Regarding the idea to get things in writing, sometimes she follows through with things in writing and other times she doesn't.
If you feel like having to log into the system is actually hindering your sales performance (say, if it cuts off phone calls, or is a major distraction), it seems reasonable to let her (or maybe your friendlier higher-up bosses) know that, since it has an adverse effect on your job performance. But it needs to be done tactfully'strategically, in a way that indicates you're looking out for the best interests of the company/your customers.
I had her favorite guy in our group write an email to her suggesting that I stop using the clunky website and use the web chat instead. This is fantastic and will help me get more sales. :)

anonymouslyadd
08-15-17, 10:43 PM
So just out of the blue she decided to start picking on you? Do you think your boss said something like" keep an eye on him and let me know how he's doing" (or whats he's up to, hows his work, does he understand things)
Maybe you do question things and she feels threatened. Maybe she feels like you should understand the way things go by now. I guess to play devil's advocate, I'd be bothered by a fellow employee questioning me, and I'd probably throw it right back at them. Its just not adding up to me.
I believe upper management likes me. I was one of the people they kept after our company reorganization.

What changed my relationship with my pseudo-boss was the time that I called a meeting without her knowing. Because I was under the impression that she wasn't my real boss, I didn't think she needed to be involved. I think she was very offended by that, and things haven't been the same since. I explained myself well and was honest about what happened. It didn't matter.

I think she needs to have things orderly and under control in her realm, or she becomes anxious.

anonymouslyadd
08-15-17, 10:54 PM
I got heart palpitations just reading through this.

I would be a nervous wreck all of the time. I am extremely impressed with how you are handling all of this. I can let people take up ALL of my head space and can become really messed up. No one can see so no one knows but it is very difficult for me.

Good luck.
I'm lucky that I enjoy what I do. Otherwise, I would experience those heart palpitations all over again. That's what happened when I was working at the manufacturing facility.

namazu
08-16-17, 01:03 AM
I think she needs to have things orderly and under control in her realm, or she becomes anxious.
I think you do, too. ;)

anonymouslyadd
08-16-17, 01:22 AM
I think you do, too. ;)
I certainly do.:)

anonymouslyadd
08-16-17, 11:22 PM
One of the problems that I've had at this place is not having the right amount of training. To compensate, I've called our customer service people and asked them for help. The pseudo-boss doesn't like that, and she's not the only one.

In the evenings, sometimes I'm by myself without anyone to go to if I need help. I've noticed that my pseudo-boss doesn't answer her cell phone when I call her. She answers text but not the calls. I asked my coworker tonight, and he said that she answers his calls. Am I looking for something to be upset about?

It's infuriating. It's infuriating to not have people available when I need help, and then when I try to get the help I need on my own, I get push back for it. I'm sick of this ****.

anonymouslyadd
08-17-17, 09:47 PM
I almost lost it today. I almost had a meeting with the pseudo-boss to ask her what happened between us. We had a good relationship until about a month and now everything's changed. We arrived at the office at about the same time today, and I looked over at her to say hi. She didn't even look at me.

anonymouslyadd
08-18-17, 09:44 PM
I sent the girl, who does our marketing a card, with brownies. She's our newest full-time employee, fresh out of college. I'm hoping that the marketing girl will look favorably upon the cards and allow me to send them to my customers.

sarahsweets
08-19-17, 06:40 AM
I sent the girl, who does our marketing a card, with brownies. She's our newest full-time employee, fresh out of college. I'm hoping that the marketing girl will look favorably upon the cards and allow me to send them to my customers.
Is the marketing girl the one who makes decisions about whether you can interact with customers this way?

acdc01
08-19-17, 07:02 AM
I sent the girl, who does our marketing a card, with brownies. She's our newest full-time employee, fresh out of college. I'm hoping that the marketing girl will look favorably upon the cards and allow me to send them to my customers.

Anonymouslyadd, hate to say it but I think you should let go of the cards if you can still perform ok without them (even if you can perform better with).

I've worked with 2 severe control freaks before, controlling cause of their own personal insecurities.

Only one way to make them happy, nod and agree with everything they want. Tell them their ideas are good. And a third that won't work alone but in combination with the above, suck up to them. It doesn't happen overnight and thry never love you more than others but they do relax their grip some. You are completely going against her wishes if you get someone else to approve your cards. It will make her dislike you even more.

That said, I only had the strength to do the above with one of them. The other, I reported and he completely backed off after that. This was actually by far the most effective method but only works if your company supports you over her which im not sure they would since shes in charge of your actions. If they support her over you, it'll have the opposite effect and get you in trouble. They did support me because I had the support of another higher up at the time who witnessed his actions.

Are you doing anything fun this weekend? Maybe it'd help to relax and make yourself forget and feel better somehow.

Little Missy
08-19-17, 07:07 AM
see below

Little Missy
08-19-17, 07:08 AM
Anonymouslyadd, hate to say it but I think you should let go of the cards if you can still perform ok without them (even if you can perform better with).

I've worked with 2 severe control freaks before, controlling cause of their own personal insecurities.

Only one way to make them happy, nod and agree with everything they want. Tell them their ideas are good. And a third that won't work alone but in combination with the above, suck up to them. It doesn't happen overnight and thry never love you more than others but they do relax their grip some. You are completely going against her wishes if you get someone else to approve your cards. It will make her dislike you even more.

That said, I only had the strength to do the above with one of them. The other, I reported and he completely backed off after that. This was actually by far the most effective method but only works if your company supports you over her which im not sure they would since shes in charge od your actions. They did for me because I had the support of another higher up at the time who witnessed his actions.

:goodpost:

anonymouslyadd
08-21-17, 11:04 PM
Is the marketing girl the one who makes decisions about whether you can interact with customers this way?
I think so.

anonymouslyadd
08-21-17, 11:17 PM
Anonymouslyadd, hate to say it but I think you should let go of the cards if you can still perform ok without them (even if you can perform better with).

I've worked with 2 severe control freaks before, controlling cause of their own personal insecurities.

Only one way to make them happy, nod and agree with everything they want. Tell them their ideas are good. And a third that won't work alone but in combination with the above, suck up to them. It doesn't happen overnight and thry never love you more than others but they do relax their grip some. You are completely going against her wishes if you get someone else to approve your cards. It will make her dislike you even more.

That said, I only had the strength to do the above with one of them. The other, I reported and he completely backed off after that. This was actually by far the most effective method but only works if your company supports you over her which im not sure they would since shes in charge of your actions. If they support her over you, it'll have the opposite effect and get you in trouble. They did support me because I had the support of another higher up at the time who witnessed his actions.

Are you doing anything fun this weekend? Maybe it'd help to relax and make yourself forget and feel better somehow.
I do need to add more fun things to my days when I'm off from work, and there is something about her that really bothers me.

The marketing girl received the brownies and card. She loved them. She made a big deal about it and the CFO and President heard about it. They both praised me.

Whether I'm allowed to use the cards as a relationship building tool, I'm going to send them to people I work with. I like the idea of doing things a little different and showing appreciation to others. I sent a card to my coworker a week before last.

I'm really having a difficult time letting this go. It's not just the cards. It's everything else. I found out that one of my newest customers had a service issue without him calling us about it. What did she do? She criticized me over not telling him to call us about the issue. I still brought it to their attention.

She just doesn't like a lot of what I do. It's not just me either. She's like that with my coworker. She doesn't like people questioning her authority. She's got a very negative lens that she sees life through I guess. It's all negative.

acdc01
08-21-17, 11:52 PM
She just doesn't like a lot of what I do. It's not just me either. She's like that with my coworker. She doesn't like people questioning her authority. She's got a very negative lens that she sees life through I guess. It's all negative.

You know, I thought she singled you out but if she's not singling you out, then that makes it less for you to worry about.

If she doesn't single you out, if her opinion of you (regardless of whether she's your boss or not) won't get you fired or pay/promotion potential lowered then there is isnt too much to worry about. Course it's alway better to have everyone like you but that can't always happen.

Is she ticked off you sent that card to the marketing person? One of my ex-bosses would have been ticked off though he would have kept a well polished veneer of a smile on his face.

Also, if you think she's not going to want you to do something you really want to do, maybe you can share the idea in a public setting first, before she tells you no. If the marketing girl and president had liked the cards before she was against it, she would never have asked you not to send them out and she wouldn't have had anything to be ticked off at you about cause there would be nothing for you to defy. I'd pick a public setting where she is sitting at the meeting too that way it doesn't look like you are going behind her back and she can see everyone's support.

anonymouslyadd
08-22-17, 12:10 AM
You know, I thought she singled you out but if she's not singling you out, then that makes it less for you to worry about.

If she doesn't single you out, if her opinion of you (regardless of whether she's your boss or not) won't get you fired or pay/promotion potential lowered then there is isnt too much to worry about. Course it's alway better to have everyone like you but that can't always happen.

Is she ticked off you sent that card to the marketing person? One of my ex-bosses would have been ticked off though he would have kept a well polished veneer of a smile on his face.
I think she doesn't like me the most, but she gets mad at my coworker too.

I'm not sure if she was upset. She'd never show it, though. She's very professional looking and polite. She's also no longer responsible for the cards. How big of a fool would she look by making a comment about it? :)
Also, if you think she's not going to want you to do something you really want to do, maybe you can share the idea in a public setting first, before she tells you no. If the marketing girl and president had liked the cards before she was against it, she would never have asked you not to send them out and she wouldn't have had anything to be ticked off at you about cause there would be nothing for you to defy. I'd pick a public setting where she is sitting at the meeting too that way it doesn't look like you are going behind her back and she can see everyone's support.
Good point and something to consider moving forward. I think the problem is that I began listening to her to begin with. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

acdc01
08-22-17, 12:38 PM
I'm not sure if she was upset. She'd never show it, though. She's very professional looking and polite. She's also no longer responsible for the cards. How big of a fool would she look by making a comment about it? :)

Haha. Well, you got your card thing I guess. Polite and professional. She sounds like my ex boss who definitely would be fuming deep inside with a cheery smile on his face.

I'm getting the feeling things aren't as bad off as you felt originally. You think that's true?

I'd still pick my battles wisely though. Some things aren't worth the fight so if it really doesn't affect your performance that much, I'd compromise sometimes.

sarahsweets
08-23-17, 04:43 AM
I think so.

I would make sure so she doesnt get the wrong idea about the brownies and card.

anonymouslyadd
08-24-17, 10:12 PM
I would make sure so she doesnt get the wrong idea about the brownies and card.
Do you mean so that she doesn't think that I like her?

sarahsweets
08-25-17, 04:30 AM
Do you mean so that she doesn't think that I like her?

Yes. Also so she doesnt think you are overstepping your bounds as far as dealing with clients in that way.

anonymouslyadd
08-28-17, 09:37 PM
I had a talk with my pseudo-boss today. She got me during my lunch about something I hadn't done. Then, I brought in a list of things that I'd done and asked her how I was supposed to accomplish them in addition to that task. I told her that I couldn't accomplish all of things that I was trying to accomplish in addition to doing the task that she wanted me to do.

By bringing the list in, I hoped she would see all that I'd accomplished over the course of 4.5 hours, but it didn't work. She basically said that she could have accomplished what I said I couldn't do. She then proceeded to help me with a schedule.