View Full Version : Co parenting an adhd child


Rapunzel16
08-08-17, 07:01 PM
Sorry if there is already a thread like this.
I am ready to cry.
I co parent my 6 year old son with his dad, but he only sees him every other weekend during the day, no overnights at sons request. So really the bulk of it is me. I try to keep his father in the loop.
Dad does not really want him on meds, but does not give me much trouble about it since he's not around a lot. I told him to come to today's appointment regarding a possible med change so he could be informed, he showed up but asked no questions and didn't really participate. Son was bouncing off the walls (hence the appointment) and the Dr was understanding. His dad was frustrated and tried to forcibly make son stand in the corner. He doesn't get it that he isn't trying to misbehave.
Then after putting him in the car he gives me the line about "they said there was something wrong with me and I'm fine now" oh and how kids today are brats because nobody spanks them. He is practically a textbook case for untreated adhd! Criminal record and all!
I am doing everything I can for my son. His father could be more involved but is too self absorbed. I am not soft on my son but I also do not get physical with him. In addition to the meds he goes to behavioral therapy once a week, speech therapy at school, and occupational therapy twice a month. Parenting him can be exhausting, the fact that we live with my parents helps. His dad pretends like he's an average 6 year old. He is not. He is bright and kind and funny and wonderful. The fact that he has adhd does not take away from all that he just needs to be supported.

Does anyone else have to co parent with someone in denial?

ginniebean
08-08-17, 07:52 PM
No, but it sounds like you're an amazing mom. Good job!

Caco3girl
08-09-17, 11:30 AM
I learned a long time ago not to try and co-parent to the letter of the law, more like the spirit of the law. It would go too far to say he doesn't care about his kids, it's more like he doesn't care about the details of his kids.

I let him know when Johnny is failing a class because he didn't turn in 10 assignments, but I don't tell him about the every time he doesn't turn in an assignment. I told him Johnny has ADHD and I'm going to try medicine because he's about to flunk 8th grade, let me know if you want the report, but I didn't ask for permission to test him.

YOU are the primary parent, seriously stop trying to involve him in the day to day stuff. You can say "Hey he has an appointment on Friday at 6pm with the ADHD doctor, let me know if you want to come".....and if he does, great, give him ALL the information, but if he doesn't you need to let it go. You can't make him be the type of parent you are, if he doesn't want overnight visits he isn't that kind of parent. It isn't that he isn't a good parent, it's that he isn't YOUR type of parent.

I argued with my kids dad for YEARS that there was something wrong with our son. His thoughts were "You are too soft on him", "I betcha a butt whoppen would make him remember to turn in his work"..."He's just being lazy, quit coddling him"....and on and on and on. It was one of the major things that led to our divorce, well that and he got arrested AGAIN....yes, he has undiagnosed ADHD as well. There is no reasoning with them so just keep him in the loop on what he wants to be in the loop on and for the rest of it, I'm sorry, you are going to have to let it go.

sarahsweets
08-11-17, 06:59 AM
Sorry if there is already a thread like this.
I am ready to cry.
I co parent my 6 year old son with his dad, but he only sees him every other weekend during the day, no overnights at sons request. So really the bulk of it is me. I try to keep his father in the loop.
Dad does not really want him on meds, but does not give me much trouble about it since he's not around a lot. I told him to come to today's appointment regarding a possible med change so he could be informed, he showed up but asked no questions and didn't really participate.

If Dad doesnt want him on meds and doesnt seem too interested in them, he doesnt need to be a part of that process. As long as he is compliant when he does have your son its no help dealing with a parent who doesnt want their kid on meds. I bet if he had some 24/7 time with your unmedicated son he might see things differently but why expose him to that?

Son was bouncing off the walls (hence the appointment) and the Dr was understanding. His dad was frustrated and tried to forcibly make son stand in the corner.
This is humiliating and has no place at a doctor's appointment and you dont have to stand for it. What kinds of things does he subject your son to when you arent around?

[ quote]He doesn't get it that he isn't trying to misbehave.
Then after putting him in the car he gives me the line about "they said there was something wrong with me and I'm fine now" oh and how kids today are brats because nobody spanks them. He is practically a textbook case for untreated adhd! Criminal record and all![/quote]
Does he or has he ever spanked your son? Thats what I would be concerned about.

I am doing everything I can for my son. His father could be more involved but is too self absorbed. I am not soft on my son but I also do not get physical with him. In addition to the meds he goes to behavioral therapy once a week, speech therapy at school, and occupational therapy twice a month. Parenting him can be exhausting, the fact that we live with my parents helps. His dad pretends like he's an average 6 year old. He is not. He is bright and kind and funny and wonderful. The fact that he has adhd does not take away from all that he just needs to be supported.

You acknowledge he could be more involved yet he is too self absorbed. If this is the case then dont involve him if you can help it. The last thing you need is someone to all of a sudden want to have input on your son when he is say, in high school when he hasnt had to deal with the day to day when kids can be the most trying.

Does anyone else have to co parent with someone in denial?
I do not have to coparent because I am married but I have dealt with family members trying ton muscle in their ways of dealing with my kids when they refuse to understand or learn about their disorders. They get no say. If you wont learn about it or research it, or participate in then day to day, you get zero chance to have decisions. It sounds like your ex could potential cause harm to your son if he hasnt already. Your son might not pick up on the cues now but as he gets older he will get mixed messages from the both of you and you do not want that. Personally I would avoid having him participate in then future unless you are willing to risk your son's self worth and self esteem.