View Full Version : the elephant in the room


peripatetic
08-21-17, 12:30 AM
it's been suggested by my mental health people that i could be at the start of an episode right now.

OR

i could be having breakthrough symptoms.

neither is awesome, for the record...but the former is far worse than the latter. and i've been taking my meds. mostly. nobody's perfect. for two weeks i was in tahoe donner and there were two days, due to the medication daily allotment container being on the dresser instead of in the kitchen...two morning times were taken in (late) afternoon. once i forgot my night meds entirely.

july...i had this whole family thing that was stressful. but then when we were away i didn't sleep super well, though did stay in the bed all night, because i had visions of e being in a forest fire and me waking to find her... it's bad. the images haunt me. because i have harm OCD.

i also have the elephant in the room. and not going to type it because i'm not going to type something that my unwell me would freak out over.

but the voices i've started hearing have gotten worse still. and i have really strong urges to remove my teeth that contain fillings. and i won't, because it's bloody and i don't want to be sectioned. but it's really really hard. i'm writing this to try and put it out there and let it go.

i'm afraid i'll hit submit and watch it float out of my computer and either burst into fire or wither in decay and fall to the ground. when my thoughts do that it leaves an awful smell.

i haven't been feeling well lately, but i'm trying desperately to get a handle on it. i'm convincing myself it's merely breakthrough symptoms, which, though their own legit hell, are no episode. those can last months. and this would be the beginning....

i don't know how many people there are to read this and, of those, any who might remember past times i've had psychotic breaks/episodes. it's not, like, a brief thing.

i really don't want it to be though. i want to cut deals with the universe and do everything i can. and i wonder, because i have in the past grappled with a particular kind of voice...if i will receive orders directly at some point. i haven't had that happen since about 2013 or 2014. not since pre haldol depot for two years.

so...i have no coping skills for that, i just realized. ****. i really might have to do groups this week and...even that.

you know only 75% of people like me respond to any treatment at all and 50% only partially respond. so only 25% completely respond to treatment. i've done everything you can imagine at this point. i'm decidedly not in that top tier. but that means i have to endure this ****.

distraction...that's the name of the game in an endurance battle. this one has me by the *** though. so much so that i can say without reservation: i'm totally symptomatic all evening and it's worse tonight than it was last night. if i wake tomorrow and it's worse than today was...provided i don't lose hold of that rope, i should probably do something more to alert the right people that maybe their assessment is happening and being proved accurate.

daveddd
08-21-17, 12:58 AM
Stay strong peri

Fuzzy12
08-21-17, 03:24 AM
Peri thinking of you and sending you best wishes. I hope the symptoms will go away as soon as possible. Be good to yourself. Lots of hugs. :grouphug:

amberwillow
08-21-17, 08:11 AM
I thinking of you Peri, with all of my heart. Hold tight to the knowledge of things that have worked, take your meds and reach for help when you need to...

Huge loves lady.

midnightstar
08-21-17, 08:29 AM
Thinking of you peri, many hugs to you :grouphug:

peripatetic
08-21-17, 09:54 AM
today is, thus far, not better but not worse. i ended up asleep by around ten last night, which is good. i woke at five and went for a run to try and clear my head.

my stomach is in knots and i did a quick search for the pliers. m has hidden them well.

i'm supposed to go to RSR (rapid symptom reduction; it's a crisis group that attempts to keep you out of hospital) today. from nine to eleven, i think... i don't know. i just want to hug my small girl.

Unmanagable
08-21-17, 10:17 AM
Sending lots of comforting energies your way. May peace come to your heart and mind and decide to hang around for a long damn time. ((((Hugs))))

peripatetic
08-21-17, 11:59 AM
i'm not going to RSR today.

things are not better, but they're not worse. i'm debating being in touch with my psychiatrist earlier.

last night i was able to go to sleep around ten ish. if i can just endure a couple of more days hopefully the adjustments will make a difference...

Lunacie
08-21-17, 12:08 PM
You don't have to answer me, but maybe you should answer these yourself.

Why did you decide not to go to RSR today?

Have you done RSR group before? Did it help?

Are you afraid of what they may tell you at RSR?

Which would likely help more, RSR or the psych?

Please do something to help you take care of you.

That precious girl will be happiest if you are doing well.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

peripatetic
08-21-17, 12:14 PM
why i decided not to go:

i'm having trouble with conversations and people seeing my thoughts come out of my head. i don't want to deal with that.

i don't know what's easier or harder. probably easier is emailing my psychiatrist. i'm going to see how the morning goes and possibly do that this afternoon.

what am i afraid of at RSR: i'm afraid they'll challenge my symptoms and make me defensive. i'm afraid that i won't be able to explain myself because i'm not very good with in person conversations right now. and most of all i'm afraid that if i tell the truth about where my head is they'll try to have me put inpatient involuntarily instead of giving the meds time to work better.
EDIT: and, yes, i've done it before. it's helped and not helped... i don't know that i'm group ready and in those cases it tends not to help as much, if at all.

Lunacie
08-21-17, 12:25 PM
why i decided not to go:

i'm having trouble with conversations and people seeing my thoughts come out of my head. i don't want to deal with that.

i don't know what's easier or harder. probably easier is emailing my psychiatrist. i'm going to see how the morning goes and possibly do that this afternoon.

what am i afraid of at RSR: i'm afraid they'll challenge my symptoms and make me defensive. i'm afraid that i won't be able to explain myself because i'm not very good with in person conversations right now. and most of all i'm afraid that if i tell the truth about where my head is they'll try to have me put inpatient involuntarily instead of giving the meds time to work better.
EDIT: and, yes, i've done it before. it's helped and not helped... i don't know that i'm group ready and in those cases it tends not to help as much, if at all.

Makes sense to me, but for different reasons. The migraines make it very
hard for me to think clearly, much less communicate with others.

When others don't understand me, or mis-understand me, it used to make
me defensive, and so frustrated because I can't make myself understood.
The Zoloft has helped with that.

Did you just start (re-start) the meds? Yeah, it can take time for them to work.
Please stay aware so if it gets worse before they help, or if they don't help,
then call the psych, okay?

peripatetic
08-21-17, 12:27 PM
i got an increase as of friday for meds i'm already taking.

Lunacie
08-21-17, 01:02 PM
i got an increase as of friday for meds i'm already taking.

We just increased my granddaughter's antianxiety med and are waiting to see
if it helps. We should have scheduled an early appointment instead of waiting
for the 2 month checkup. Hope both of you feel better with the increase. :grouphug:

peripatetic
08-21-17, 09:48 PM
i completely lost my **** for a while today.

i'm not delusional or paranoid. i just want to be sure we're all on the same page.

Lunacie
08-21-17, 10:02 PM
i completely lost my **** for a while today.

i'm not delusional or paranoid. i just want to be sure we're all on the same page.

Like a panic attack? You've got a lot of stress. Hang on kiddo.

peripatetic
08-21-17, 10:04 PM
no, not like a panic attack. more like...being unable to ....this feeling of desperation that i have to pull out three of my teeth and cut out a fourth one.

i mean, i was definitely panicked, but not like a panic attack because it lasted hours and resulted in my ransacking my house for the pliers that my husband hid from me.

i don't know. i'm calmer now. i took my PRNs and talked to my psychiatrist. e is out at dinner with m and his parents, which i didn't go to because i seriously can't handle people in person right now.

Unmanagable
08-21-17, 10:17 PM
May the calm remain and the edges smooth out. Thinking of you.

peripatetic
08-22-17, 01:44 AM
i just want to report that the PRNs have quelled the urges and calmed me overall. i'm going to lie down soon, and i think i just might wake up better. at least a little. or far, far worse. who knows.

i'm getting sleepy though, so night all. xx

Fortune
08-22-17, 01:58 AM
i just want to report that the PRNs have quelled the urges and calmed me overall. i'm going to lie down soon, and i think i just might wake up better. at least a little. or far, far worse. who knows.

i'm getting sleepy though, so night all. xx

I'm really glad the PRNs have helped you. I've been worried.

Fuzzy12
08-22-17, 07:36 AM
Sleep tight peri!!!

midnightstar
08-22-17, 07:38 AM
Sleep well peri :grouphug:

peripatetic
08-22-17, 09:28 AM
today is a new day.

things are not as loud and i slept a good six hours.

psych appointment today, however, after the urges to pull out my teeth. i still can't find those pliers and my husband is going to take me to the hospital if i mention it again, so i'm just biding my time.

Little Missy
08-22-17, 09:34 AM
today is a new day.

things are not as loud and i slept a good six hours.

psych appointment today, however, after the urges to pull out my teeth. i still can't find those pliers and my husband is going to take me to the hospital if i mention it again, so i'm just biding my time.

yeah, you don't want to have missing teeth. It is not a good look. Honest.:)

peripatetic
08-22-17, 02:55 PM
my psychiatrist increased my meds again and i've agreed to go to group tonight. he also confirmed that if i pull out any teeth that i'm going inpatient. which...i mean, that makes sense.

until this is under control i'm taking a **** tonne of meds though and i really hate that.

i am seeing him again next week, though we kept my thursday appointment (just in case) and he's going to give me some dentist referrals. he's probably emailed me already but i haven't had time to be online until now that e is down for her nap.

finallyfound10
08-22-17, 06:51 PM
why i decided not to go:

i'm having trouble with conversations and people seeing my thoughts come out of my head. i don't want to deal with that.

i don't know what's easier or harder. probably easier is emailing my psychiatrist. i'm going to see how the morning goes and possibly do that this afternoon.

what am i afraid of at RSR: i'm afraid they'll challenge my symptoms and make me defensive. i'm afraid that i won't be able to explain myself because i'm not very good with in person conversations right now. and most of all i'm afraid that if i tell the truth about where my head is they'll try to have me put inpatient involuntarily instead of giving the meds time to work better.

EDIT: and, yes, i've done it before. it's helped and not helped... i don't know that i'm group ready and in those cases it tends not to help as much, if at all.


Peri,

I am an RN on an inpatient behavioral health unit. I am going to do what we do to help a patient who is having symptoms, we present reality and what is true.


Reality/Truth

People cannot see thoughts coming out of your or anyone's head.

Pulling your teeth out with pliers would be bloody and very painful.

You will need to go to the hospital if the thoughts of pulling your teeth out persist; especially if you are trying to find the pliers again.

The RSR group may challenge you but only to help you to be and feel safe.

peripatetic
08-22-17, 07:04 PM
how's this for truth: suggesting i'm delusional is NOT appreciated and NOT helpful. stop trying to tell me you know my experience better than i do.

peripatetic
08-22-17, 08:19 PM
i feel like i'm in a medication cage

Lunacie
08-22-17, 08:30 PM
I don't think I can even imagine what that feels like. Except for the med that I
was allergic too, my meds have only been helpful and I'm glad to have them.
:grouphug:

sarahsweets
08-23-17, 04:34 AM
Peri,

I am an RN on an inpatient behavioral health unit. I am going to do what we do to help a patient who is having symptoms, we present reality and what is true.


Reality/Truth

[SIZE=2]People cannot see thoughts coming out of your or anyone's head.
Its easy to say this when you are not experiencing it. What Peri is experiencing I believe is just as real to her as our thoughts are real to us. Havent you ever experienced obtrusive thoughts that you cant control?

Pulling your teeth out with pliers would be bloody and very painful.

Id be willing to bet that Peri knows this, Its not a matter of knowing though. To her, its happening and its real and the consequences of doing this do not way out the 'benefits" as she sees it. When someone has thoughts like this, no amount of 'rational' can make these thoughts go away. The truth becomes subjective and the feeling that no one understands is isolating. It makes you feel alone and that you are losing it. its very real to the person experiencing it.

You will need to go to the hospital if the thoughts of pulling your teeth out persist; especially if you are trying to find the pliers again.

Peri has had her share of hospitals and IOP/PHP's. I'd like to think that as long as she keeps in touch with her P-doc and husband she is hanging on.

peripatetic
08-23-17, 12:14 PM
my head seems to have closed up again. i think the zyprexa increase is keeping things from leaky out.

i did a stupid thing yesterday and checked to see if i could pry a tooth loose--for the record, you can't; you really need a pulling tool. it was just a bad several minutes. i cut my gums a little. i keep rinsing with peroxide and i'm not eating much so hopefully it heals up.

peripatetic
08-23-17, 12:18 PM
People cannot see thoughts coming out of your or anyone's head.

just because YOU can't, doesn't mean others can't and doesn't mean i can't and most of all doesn't mean it can't happen.

Pulling your teeth out with pliers would be bloody and very painful.

i'm unafraid of pain. i've done far worse than self dentistry to myself and when i'm seriously unwell, i don't even feel it.

You will need to go to the hospital if the thoughts of pulling your teeth out persist; especially if you are trying to find the pliers again.

i have medical professionals who guide me and i'm not going into the ******* hospital again. it hasn't even been six months since my last discharge. so...yeah, no; i'm not doing that.



replied in bold within your post.

i know you're trying to be helpful.

midnightstar
08-23-17, 04:02 PM
Its easy to say this when you are not experiencing it. What Peri is experiencing I believe is just as real to her as our thoughts are real to us. Havent you ever experienced obtrusive thoughts that you cant control?

Exactly :goodpost:

Id be willing to bet that Peri knows this, Its not a matter of knowing though. To her, its happening and its real and the consequences of doing this do not way out the 'benefits" as she sees it. When someone has thoughts like this, no amount of 'rational' can make these thoughts go away. The truth becomes subjective and the feeling that no one understands is isolating. It makes you feel alone and that you are losing it. its very real to the person experiencing it.

Yes the only truths that people have are what they are experiencing.

Say for example I could be seeing pink and purple elephants wearing polka dot pajamas walking around on the cieling and to me it would be as real as whatever you can see where you are sat now, finallyfound.

Peri has had her share of hospitals and IOP/PHP's. I'd like to think that as long as she keeps in touch with her P-doc and husband she is hanging on.

Yes, again, if Peri needed to go back in then her husband and pdoc would be the ones to help her through it.

I know you're trying to help Peri here finallyfound but saying she's delusional isn't really helpful for her.

Fuzzy12
08-23-17, 04:50 PM
The point has been made four times now. If finallyfound returns to this thread I think she will get it. I dont think there's a need to go on and on about it. And yes, even if what she said wasn't helpful, i suppose she was really just trying to be helpful so let's cut her some slack.

peripatetic
08-23-17, 06:25 PM
look everyone, the point of the thread isn't ...

finallyfound and i have always been kind to each other. we've messaged about this. it's a non issue.

back to the topic... i think today is better. e is with her grandparents and i'm at home and the urges aren't as bad as they've been and i think my gums where i mucked up yesterday are healing. i have a psych appointment tomorrow and hopefully ...i don't know. my conversation and leaving the house hasn't been great. i think my self care is passable, but i also don't want it getting out of hand like it has in the past.

i'm worried. not overly so, but not NOT worried.

peripatetic
08-23-17, 10:38 PM
i told m about the prying attempt and he's upset. i mean, he's worried. i really think i'm turning the corner on this though. if he hadn't asked me directly i wasn't going to just dump that on him, but i couldn't not tell him since he asked if i'd done anything.

i'm going to take my night meds early and try to get a lot of sleep...and hope the voices and the urges resolve by morning, despite that being highly unlikely really

peripatetic
08-24-17, 11:44 PM
i feel awful today. tonight. this evening. whatever.

Fortune
08-25-17, 04:20 AM
i feel awful today. tonight. this evening. whatever.

I hope your evening improved, or that you at least got a good night's sleep if it didn't.

Lunacie
08-25-17, 10:41 AM
i feel awful today. tonight. this evening. whatever.

Sending good thoughts and healing energies for you.

And poking the elephant to move along already.

TheGreatKing
08-26-17, 05:08 PM
:grouphug:sending my love and of course hugs:grouphug: