View Full Version : How to Make a Girl Feel Wanted


epighast
08-21-17, 11:42 PM
Long story short, didn't realize how appealing I was as a potential boyfriend or that women really wanted me until very recently as a junior in college. I'm assuming it has to do with being unaware of things in general and thus, I'm "hard to get."

I've been in situations where I'm at parties, while high/drunk, my attention span is absolutely horrible and have had several women fighting for my attention at once, and they all end up upset with me. I think this the "a lot of little crushes" at work, and it's led to me being branded as a "player" even though I don't have casual sex.

I got into my first "relationship" last Summer, and despite all warnings, I was infatuated with her. However, I quickly learned how sick she was. When she was having a depressive episode or severe anxiety, she would be-little or snap at me, and of course, I thought something was wrong with me. She ended up moving on & rebounding off of me.

Fast forward a few months, she ending up getting dumped due to her behavior, we regrettably reconnect, and she absolutely CLINGS to me. I was very open my new diagnosis of ADHD and relevant symptoms, and I was taking responsibility for my own behavior, going to therapy/support groups, and taking medication. I felt like I was doing the wrong things like hanging out with my friends when I'd get resentful texts as if I needed to be inviting her out as well because she struggles with social anxiety and doesn't have very many friends. There was so much resentment on both sides that I finally had the strength to let her go and block her completely.

First of all, how do I stop attracting these types of girls and falling for them? I come from a fairly dysfunctional family and was often yelled at my mother and manipulated by my adult older brother who has un-diagnosed sociopathy. I've heard we seek the types of relationships we grew up with. Is this just something I should continue working with in therapy?

There's this really sweet, bombshell of a girl, who I've probably already hurt numerous times due to my oblivious behavior, but we've had some really enjoyable study dates. She's currently out of the country for break but will be back soon. I've kept in contact the best I can, but I'm the worst at being consistent through phone communication.

I can sense she may be in love with me, so I'm worried that my actions have done damage already. What are some ways that I can communicate that I'm not that type of person even though my actions may say otherwise? How do I keep from unconsciously flirting with other women, especially around this girl or ones in the future? Often overwhelmed, how do I keep women away in general? I'm frustrated because I feel like most guys my age would just sleep around and not care. Am I too apologetic and self-aware?

finallyfound10
08-22-17, 04:26 PM
I really am not sure about anything anymore as far relationships/dating but I can tell you as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home (alcoholic dad) that you are doing the right thing by going to therapy/support group. Keep working through the residual effects that you have brought into how you deal with situations/people. It can help a lot.

Also, the RN in me likes your oddly-spelled username and I'm curious about it.

As I said, I don't know anything anymore but I DO know this: If you are in medicine (MD, DO) don't date anyone from work- even in another specialty at huge hospital. Same if you are PA, NP, Technician or RN or anything in healthcare or really any job for that matter, don't date anyone at work.

sarahsweets
08-23-17, 02:44 AM
Long story short, didn't realize how appealing I was as a potential boyfriend or that women really wanted me until very recently as a junior in college. I'm assuming it has to do with being unaware of things in general and thus, I'm "hard to get."

I've been in situations where I'm at parties, while high/drunk, my attention span is absolutely horrible and have had several women fighting for my attention at once, and they all end up upset with me. I think this the "a lot of little crushes" at work, and it's led to me being branded as a "player" even though I don't have casual sex.

I got into my first "relationship" last Summer, and despite all warnings, I was infatuated with her. However, I quickly learned how sick she was. When she was having a depressive episode or severe anxiety, she would be-little or snap at me, and of course, I thought something was wrong with me. She ended up moving on & rebounding off of me.

Fast forward a few months, she ending up getting dumped due to her behavior, we regrettably reconnect, and she absolutely CLINGS to me. I was very open my new diagnosis of ADHD and relevant symptoms, and I was taking responsibility for my own behavior, going to therapy/support groups, and taking medication. I felt like I was doing the wrong things like hanging out with my friends when I'd get resentful texts as if I needed to be inviting her out as well because she struggles with social anxiety and doesn't have very many friends. There was so much resentment on both sides that I finally had the strength to let her go and block her completely.
This is all the same girl right?

First of all, how do I stop attracting these types of girls and falling for them? I come from a fairly dysfunctional family and was often yelled at my mother and manipulated by my adult older brother who has un-diagnosed sociopathy. I've heard we seek the types of relationships we grew up with. Is this just something I should continue working with in therapy?
This sounds like the same girl and if it is then it doesnt seem like its a pattern for you but that its just this one girl. When things keep happening in a pattern that I dont like then I have to take a look at my own behavior and see what it is about me that keeps attracting people of a certain way to me. In your case it sounds like one girl and while its a good lesson, it doesnt mean this is how its going to be from now on.


There's this really sweet, bombshell of a girl, who I've probably already hurt numerous times due to my oblivious behavior, but we've had some really enjoyable study dates. She's currently out of the country for break but will be back soon. I've kept in contact the best I can, but I'm the worst at being consistent through phone communication.

How have you already hurt her?

I can sense she may be in love with me, so I'm worried that my actions have done damage already. What are some ways that I can communicate that I'm not that type of person even though my actions may say otherwise? How do I keep from unconsciously flirting with other women, especially around this girl or ones in the future? Often overwhelmed, how do I keep women away in general? I'm frustrated because I feel like most guys my age would just sleep around and not care. Am I too apologetic and self-aware?
what makes you think she is in love with you? She may like you but what makes you think its love?

sarahsweets
08-24-17, 05:00 AM
*sings* "whatta girl wants, whatta a girl needs..."

Little Missy
08-24-17, 06:00 AM
Diamonds, furs, and true love.

aeon
08-24-17, 09:52 AM
You can’t make anyone feel anything.

If you want a woman to know you want her, tell her “I want you.”


Cheers,
Ian

sarahsweets
08-25-17, 04:50 AM
"A kiss on the hand can be quite continental, But diamonds are a girl's best friend."

kwalk
08-25-17, 11:03 AM
Look up toxic relationships and who you attract by being sensitive/vulnerable. red flags are a good thing to look for too. You can also look up needy/clingy people and how to tell if they are showing signs before they fully become it. Also good tip- you can tell how a person is by how they treat strangers and waiters. That Usually falls under abusive behavior, but it shows a lot about character. Women can be abusive too, I'm sure there's a lot of
Information about it out there too.

kwalk
08-25-17, 11:20 AM
You can always be honest with her, could say you're a little oblivious with ADD and that you don't notice things. You might not being even flirting with girls, they might just take it that way. Even if you are a little bit, it's okay to flirt. If they seem interested, you can always step back a little. I've thought so many guys liked me when they didn't, they were just so nice and caring and cute lol, it was hard for me to tell.

Driver
08-25-17, 07:09 PM
First of all, how do I stop attracting these types of girls and falling for them?
Is this just something I should continue working with in therapy?
You answered your own question: yes continue with therapy.

What are some ways that I can communicate that I'm not that type of person even though my actions may say otherwise?
How do I keep from unconsciously flirting with other women, especially around this girl or ones in the future?
Often overwhelmed, how do I keep women away in general?
Am I too apologetic and self-aware?

Look up co-dependency - you're putting other people's feelings way too far beyond yours. You cannot be faulted that women want your attention and it's not your problem to solve.

TheGreatKing
08-26-17, 05:05 PM
smell her hair, she will love that.

ToneTone
08-26-17, 06:18 PM
Definitely learn how to say "no" and understand that "no" is not hurtful in any malignant way.

So if someone approaches you and you're not interested (no matter if your flirted with them or not), you can say, "no." ... Or "I'd like to be friends."And saying no is the helpful thing to do ... because they get to move on and not "waste" time on you.

If you think your flirting is out of control (and not aimed in the right directions, at the people you are really interested in), then practice going more deadpan. You can say the same words, but damping down the enthusiasm changes things.

I can smile and with lots of emotion say, "you look great in that outfit."

Or ... as I do when talking to coworkers and friends, I can say in a much more flat voice, "that outfit looks nice." No one thinks I'm hitting on them.

Lose "obligation." Sounds like you think if a woman shows some interest, you are obligated to respond. No, you're not.They have the right to have no interest in you (even if you're interested) and you have the right to have no interest in them.

One mistake in thinking I made when I was younger ... I thought people were really fragile and that I would "hurting people's feelings" by not going out with them. Wrong, so so so wrong.

What hurts is being married for years and then being told that your partner wants out. Or dating someone for months or years and then getting "dumped." But showing no interest early on--before things have gotten going--literally the pain level is negligible.

Pain comes from a break after a real attachment has been formed. So you have a lot more room than you might think. And cut yourself a break here ... we're all socially awkward to some degree because we all come from flawed families.

Good luck.

Tone