View Full Version : i often think about being ill


peripatetic
08-25-17, 11:27 AM
with what they say i have, and think that if that's true and i have all of these symptoms and hallucinations and delusions and don't even know it for what it is because lacking insight and have challenges with communication and all of these medications that sometimes help and sometimes just give me side effects...

i often think, if that's true, i have a social obligation not to put out into the world what i'm putting out there. if i'm wrong and they're right...all i do is damage. damage to property, damage to others by freaking them out, and most heartwrechingly, damage to my small girl because she will grow up with my presence, which necessarily means my illness.

the voices are getting more manageable, and i made a dentist appointment, and maybe this is just rinse and repeat: i lose it, they stabilize me, i see myself for what i really am, and plunge into wishing i hadn't burned all of my plans the last time i was in PHP.

insight is kind of horrible. it doesn't make me think, "oh, i need to take my meds and always be treated and i'm going to commit to that." it makes me think, "my god! look at all of the things i have done...and what will be next and who will be subjected to it and whose lives will i ruin and how can i do this to my husband and my small girl. i have to get out of this world ASAP."

to persist and be part of the world is to do damage. this is what's making me formaldehyded and unkillable. i'm already dead if i'm harming my small girl. what if she walks in on me doing something when i'm unwell? what if she finds me...i feel like i cannot be seriously unwell again.i have to take whatever action necessary to prevent that.

anyway, got a bit off topic there, but can anyone relate? when you look at what you've done in life or failed to do and those you've hurt or frightened as a direct result of your ailment(s)...how do you forgive yourself? can you forgive yourself if it keeps happening over and over and you have become this destructive, malevolent force? i don't know that i can. i doubt that i should because forgiving me means that others' suffering was ok somehow or i learned a lesson or some ****. i do not believe everything happens for a reason and i don't believe that we are powerless to change the course of our lives. but what if the course is one that should've been halted long ago if what they're claiming about me is true?

EDIT: and please don't just post to stop beating myself up about it. do you know the things i've done when unwell? the self surgeries that've been walked in on, what i did very publicly that landed me in hospital and first diagnosed? the driving things, the wall in my house i burned down, the neighbor i terrified... the court ordered injections i was on for a reason... these are not small things. they matter in the lives of others and especially in the lives of those i love. if anything, i'm taking it easy on myself because there's so much more that i'm not typing on the open forum that i've done.

Fuzzy12
08-25-17, 05:05 PM
Peri, I wanted to talk about the good you've done (eg the support you've given me and others) and about what a caring and dedicated mother you are and that I believe that you are a good person and that I'm glad that you are alive and part of my world. I'm not sure I can express myself properly though and not make it sound like 'don't beat yourself up' so I'm going to leave it at that.

I want to say something else and I'm not sure if it's appropriate or relevant but I could relate to your post..at least the way I understood it.

I can't say that I entirely understand what you are going through but I can relate to causing irreparable damage and to be scared of what damage I will cause in the future. My little girl.

I've had two abortions. Im not against abortion but in my particular circumstances it was a selfish and cowardly thing to do.

That's the damage age I've done and that's something I can never undo, make up for or be forgiven for. I can't let myself get over it or forgive because to do so would mean like you said that it is somehow ok. That their deaths are somehow ok.


And my family. 8ve caused very real harm there by not really being there for them. My brother is going through hell and I won't help him though I know he needs me. And thst situation is so bad and involves so innocent people that I love that I won't even let myself think about it.

Anyway now I don't trust myself. If I could do this, if i could ejd a life, twice, what else am I capable of? If I have to choose again between my little girl and myself or my family will I again choose wrongly? Throw in with 5hat the fact that I know that I've got no will power and no.idea hpw much control I have over my actions and I'm honestly terrified of what I might do or what I might be capable of. Am I capable of abuse? Of causing serious harm? Who.knows. I don't know and it scares the hell out of me.

There's more. Dreams I have. Intrusive thoughts. My mind is a dark and sick place. I hate it but I can't make the thoughts stop.

Im going to stop here because I don't remember what my point was and i dont just want to go on about myself (and I'm. Sorry if I am) but i think, yes, partly I can relate.

midnightstar
08-25-17, 05:09 PM
Peri I think everyone's done things they sincerely wish they hadn't done :grouphug:

We can go through our whole lives thinking "I should have done this and that differently" but all that achieves is us feeling bad about things we can't change :grouphug:

You didn't choose mental illness any more than the rest of us chose to have issues :grouphug:

I mean even I've done things that if I could wind the clock back I'd undo what happened but none of us can rewind back into the past :grouphug:

I've been yelled at by family for doing stuff when my mental health was completely down the lav, that's just one example. How I never ended up in hospital I will never understand, years ago my mental health was that bad that I probably should have been hospitalised but the professionals there basically cared more about their pay cheques than they did anything else. Not going to say any more.