View Full Version : 13 y/o COMPLETELY out of control


attackthevixen
08-31-17, 01:03 AM
I am the sort kinda "step-mom" to my girlfriend's little cousin that she's raising (or at least trying to). He and I both have ADHD so Im able to relate with him a bit more and get down to his level. This summer I realized that as a 13 y/o he had the academic intelligence of a second grader. So all summer we did math, read books together, and worked on getting him ready for this upcoming school year. However, Cynthia, my girlfriends mother who currently has custody of him enables him to misbehave, disrespect, and combat authority. Whenever he does something wrong she'll step in and prevent ANY type of discipline but will later ask us for help when he gets out of control. In the last week, the teacher has called home (cussing and not doing his work), raised his voice at his Cynthia, we noticed some thing missing & checked his room and found 5 stolen phones, another call home because he apparently claimed to be a KKK member (he's half black), and also has been generally disrespectful. With all of this there has been no consequence despite out efforts. Cynthia's response: "Everybody is lying on him."

I don't know what to do. :confused:

sarahsweets
08-31-17, 04:09 AM
The unfortunate thing is, if he is allowed to get away with stuff with the person he lives with, he will not be able to manage in other environments as he gets older. Is he medicated or receiving therapy?

Caco3girl
08-31-17, 09:57 AM
Some people are more interested in being the child's friend than parent, especially if the kid has already had a rough life. It's not a cycle you can break. All you can do is keep YOUR boundaries the same. He will know the expectations with you, and maybe just maybe, he will remember that that is how he needs to behave around authority figures when he gets older.

With regard to the phones...all I can say is you will likely have to scare the crap out of him NOW with the law while he is a juvenile, rather than wait for him to be 18 when the punishments are MUCH harsher.

finallyfound10
08-31-17, 08:42 PM
That poor child! Thank God he has you and your girlfriend! He will benefit greatly from your involvement!!

He's already been through the trauma of not being raised by his parents and the (likely) traumatic events that brought that about.

Along with therapy (trauma focused) and meds (probably), a positive male role model as in a Big Brother would be a great addition to his life. A guy who is also bi-racial and raised in similar circumstances but who has done well and really "gets it" could make all of the difference in his life.

Good luck!!

http://nctsn.org/training-guidelines

https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/understanding-child-trauma

attackthevixen
09-01-17, 01:49 AM
The unfortunate thing is, if he is allowed to get away with stuff with the person he lives with, he will not be able to manage in other environments as he gets older. Is he medicated or receiving therapy?

Yes. When I moved in I got his medication changed. The had him on 35mg Adderall XR in the morning with 3mg of Guaficine, then 20mg Adderall XR at noon, then another 10mg of XR later on. I felt that was way too much and got him changed to 20mg IR in the morning and 10mg at noon. In my opinion that as much as a child should need. As for counseling not so much. Im as much counseling as he gets.

attackthevixen
09-01-17, 01:55 AM
That poor child! Thank God he has you and your girlfriend! He will benefit greatly from your involvement!!

He's already been through the trauma of not being raised by his parents and the (likely) traumatic events that brought that about.

Along with therapy (trauma focused) and meds (probably), a positive male role model as in a Big Brother would be a great addition to his life. A guy who is also bi-racial and raised in similar circumstances but who has done well and really "gets it" could make all of the difference in his life.

Good luck!!

http://nctsn.org/training-guidelines

https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/understanding-child-trauma

Ya know, we never considered a male role model. I have a 6 month old boy and thats as much male interaction either of them get. I'll definitely give that a try. Thanks!

sarahsweets
09-01-17, 04:22 AM
Yes. When I moved in I got his medication changed. The had him on 35mg Adderall XR in the morning with 3mg of Guaficine, then 20mg Adderall XR at noon, then another 10mg of XR later on. I felt that was way too much and got him changed to 20mg IR in the morning and 10mg at noon. In my opinion that as much as a child should need. As for counseling not so much. Im as much counseling as he gets.

Was the 35mg and 20mg and 10mg of xr working for him? I am just wondering if you noticed a difference between that and what you say you think he needs?

Caco3girl
09-01-17, 08:19 AM
Yes. When I moved in I got his medication changed. The had him on 35mg Adderall XR in the morning with 3mg of Guaficine, then 20mg Adderall XR at noon, then another 10mg of XR later on. I felt that was way too much and got him changed to 20mg IR in the morning and 10mg at noon. In my opinion that as much as a child should need. As for counseling not so much. Im as much counseling as he gets.

Just be careful with the meds. I've seen an 8 year old girl take more than a 40 year old man. Everyone's body is different. For my son he needs 40mg XR adderall per day and it only lasts until around noon, the Concerta was better but that was 54mg and the doctor was worried he was maxed out on the first try....they are different, as is everyone's unique body chemistry.

Lunacie
09-01-17, 10:49 AM
I recommend you and your GF both read The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene.

Maybe get a copy for his mom.

If he's struggling to keep up in school but keeps getting moved up to the next
grade he is probably very frustrated ... which leads to anger and bad behaviors.
He might benefit from another mental health evaluation and accomodations at
school like an IEP.

mildadhd
09-01-17, 11:43 AM
Every child needs at least one consistent parenting figure to develop the appropriate self regulation.

Sounds like he listens to you?

If you are prepared and able to take on that role, I would begin by giving him the attunement needs of a young child, be there when he gets off school, find something fun he likes to do, ask him to help you get the groceries, cook, clean, with you after the fun.

Watch his favorite TV show with him, then help him with his homework, etc.

Develop a consistent relationship with him.

Bike rides, catch, kick a ball, walk in the woods...

Stealing the phones, being bad, are cries for help.

Help him get out of the trouble he has gotten into.

He needs to feel that someone loves him and gets him for who he is, no matter what.

He is also getting to the age when unsupervised peer orientation could add in making things even worse.

This child needs a consistent relationship with at least one primary parenting figure, over the next 10 years, to avoid the serious negative pitfalls of unsupervised peer orientation.

I would get permission to see his teacher's and principal.

In my primary parenting experience, teachers really appreciate when a parenting figure shows interest in their students lives.

Sadly his behaviour is completely normal for a child/teen who has not had a consistent attuned relationship with at least one primary parenting figure.

I would turn on the unconditional positive regard/parenting, to help him learn that you will be there for him.



M

sarahsweets
09-02-17, 06:40 AM
Consistency is huge in a situation like this, I am guessing there hasnt been much consistency with him in his life. If the grandmother has custody then technically she can raise him how she sees fit and you guys can try to work with your own changes but if they are not implemented at home its very hard to be consistent.What kind of involvement in a social services type way does your girlfriend have? Does he get to take part in decisions about school, meds, etc? Or is she at the mercy of the grandmother?