View Full Version : Worried about my first appointment


Worriedoldie
08-31-17, 07:20 AM
Hello and thank you for having this forum.

I think I need to vent my worries a bit before seeing the psychiatrist for the first time.
Basically I went to my GP because I've been having increased rage episodes at home. Culminated in me slamming steel breadknife so hard into the kitchen table that it split in the middle. But the main concern is my fatigue episodes which sometimes take me to the point of feeling like I can't make it anymore... so, like saying in a subtle way... I sometimes feel like it would be best not to be here :( Not in the way that I would take a knife to my wrist, but thoughts like, "what if the car suddenly turned hard right and I drove out over the bridge?" and I would feel my hands ever so slightly combatting the thought.

Ofcourse these things made me think a lot about myself, and I'm trying to puzzle myself together. I read a folder on ADD and so much of it rings true on me. I don't have significant hyper spells... it's more like very enthusiastic spells where I'm untouchable or overly excited about and idea and go completely into it. But I'm not the type that cut people off during conversation. I'm more the type that starts looking around or begin to care about my own thoughts unrelated. If a truck is backing up outside the window with its beeping and all, I have to look at it. If my kids are playing in the living room with me reading something on the computer and the tv blasting I feel like hiding my head in a 1000 pillows.

Anyways, I'm really really nervous that the psychiatrist will come to the conclusion that I'm faking or nothing is wrong..... is that normal? I mean, I feel like I'm at a point where I can't stand being like this anymore, I don't feel "normal".
Over the last 18 years, I've seen 4 different psychologists, one leading to a weak dose of anti-depressants, which didn't do anything really. I never felt like any of the talk helped me or gave me tools I was able to benefit from.
You know... you can tell me "come on..." and "why don't you try to do this..." and I can see the point, but am completely unable to act on it.

My typing this right now is me not doing my work, at work... :S I litterally have 2 projects going and I can't get started on either. You could tell me to do a list and I would have it in front of me, but unable to initiate and complete it.

I'm so frustrated.... I really really hope that I get some kind of answer.

Did any of you feel like this up to the first appointment?

sarahsweets
08-31-17, 09:58 AM
What kind of impairments did you have as a child and what did your friends, family or teachers say?

Worriedoldie
08-31-17, 11:00 AM
Ill try to remember as best I can... in all honesty I have problems remembering much about my life at all before 12ish.

School: I was considered bright, but hardly ever raised my hand. I didnt like being asked. I excelled at math and was for some reason considered a binding person between the various clicks in class. Didnt really do anything to be so... I was generally quiet.
I procrastinated in pretty much all other subjects than math but found spelling tests interesting because it was fun trying to get 0 mistakes. Only got as far as 1 mistake.
All my book reports were half ***** every single time. My essays cause me to either pretend to ne sick or me begging my mom to let me stay home.
The only time I could focus for long durations was during video games. Still is...

I tried several sports which only lasted a month or so... gym, soccer, swimming and ended playing basket ball on a small team of 6 boys, who were all already someone I knew.

I always wanted to do something new. Games or things to do got boring really fast.

Around 11 i remember I started snacking a lot. Correlated with me starting to earn allowance. Every single coin went into candy or crisps.
I also very specifically around that age remember how angry I would get if my hand or arm would get stuck in the sweater I was putting on. And how I would spend 30minutes trying to part my hair a specific way and feeling like my day would be terrible if I couldnt do it

I still binge eat snacks and soda... every single night, but I manage to keep the weight down with exercise.

After school, I went to highschool, restarted highschool after a year, dropped out, worked as a window painter at some guy that was a friend of a friend of my dad. Couldnt cope with getting up every day...
Eventually went to another form of shorter highschool. Procrastination again... high abscence in the subjects I was good at... we talking almost 50% in English and walked out with an A in the end :/
Worked at a factory, started architecture school because I thought that would bring me praise, failed after a year. Restarted... felt good about being able to tell the new class all about how things worked at the school. Dropped out after 8 months and landed on welfare for a while before finally finishing photography school at age 30.

Im a bit socially inept... i prefer sliding along the walls or being so drunk I cant help myself... or these days, Id rather not go because the small talk stales me. Also I work with people who think high society is all that and I cant stand hearing about it.
Generally... if anyone was telling me all this Im writing now you would have lost me 4 minutes ago to some random sound outside or a dog walking by.

My mom cant remember she says... goes off on how she knows they werent there as much as they would have liked... my dad is dead. I showed my mom a pamphlet about ADD and she said she recognised herself a lot in that..... go figure.

Also... Im really really tired all the time.. like all the time. Say bye to the kids at 8ish... 10am Im yawning and almost fall asleep around 3pm at work sitting by the computer.
I cant drive a car for more than 30 minutes because I will litterally fall asleep at the wheel.

Worriedoldie
09-01-17, 02:45 AM
Just for the record... Ive had my bloodwork tested twice this year, pretty much perfect for my age. Im miles away from anything that resembles diabetes despite my intake of snacks.
I suffer from apnea but has been treated with cpap for the last 6 years and I weightlift three times a week if not running.
I do feel like exercise helps me, but that just means my "condition" is appalling when not exercising....

Kaia.S
09-01-17, 05:10 AM
Anyways, I'm really really nervous that the psychiatrist will come to the conclusion that I'm faking or nothing is wrong..... is that normal?

Did any of you feel like this up to the first appointment?

Yes. I was totally worried about how i would present myself. From fear of leaving things out, to shame of talking too much (and i did).

It could go both extremes: nothing wrong (so that means i am a lazy person amongst other not so positive things and i will stay like this forever) to everything wrong (and that would freak me out also, because than there would be no escape any more, the thought "if only i try more, everything will be alright", would no longer hold).

I had a little conversation with my higher self, to trust that he/she knows best, letting go of any outcome, just being me... but i was nervous as hell anyway.
As it turned out, ADD came to me as a big surprise, only as long as i started reading about it and everything fell into place, and than i felt a lot of things, from grief to relief, but none of the extremes that scared me.

So i hope you can see yourself as a person who needs help, nothing more or less than that. Good luck, good thing you're taking the right actions!

sarahsweets
09-02-17, 06:56 AM
You say you are treated for sleep apnea which can contribute to the sleepiness. Have they looked into narcolepsy as well?

Worriedoldie
09-02-17, 11:36 AM
No, that never came up. The sleep apnea doesn't contribute to sleepiness when it's well treated, which it is according to my ear/nose/throat doc. I don't have a single pause in my breathing when I'm using the cpap.

Isn't narcolepsy more sudden in its arrival, like from second to second more or less? This is more like an ongoing state, slowly putting me down. Like, there's no moment where I'm completely fresh and awake. Oh... ofc. if I pep up on coca cola or Monster or something like that I'll be up for a while and then crash again.

sarahsweets
09-03-17, 07:54 AM
No, that never came up. The sleep apnea doesn't contribute to sleepiness when it's well treated, which it is according to my ear/nose/throat doc. I don't have a single pause in my breathing when I'm using the cpap.

Isn't narcolepsy more sudden in its arrival, like from second to second more or less? This is more like an ongoing state, slowly putting me down. Like, there's no moment where I'm completely fresh and awake. Oh... ofc. if I pep up on coca cola or Monster or something like that I'll be up for a while and then crash again.
Well yes and no. My husband is narcoleptic and his is usually only an issue when he is in a low stimulating environment like if its quiet after dinner, watching tv or reading sometimes. Just yesterday I looked up at the table and his head was down and I have to let him power through the cataplexy and sleep paralysis. Narcolepsy can cause people to skip certain stages of sleep, fall into deep stage IV sleep without out the usual path through the stages and even miss REM sleep. It can cause slight waking at night that you wouldnt remember but that would interupt the flow of sleep over the course of the night. It really helped him to have it diagnosed and provigil really saved him.

Worriedoldie
09-03-17, 10:18 AM
Interesting... this might be something worth looking into. This is one thing I know for sure Ive had all my life. Basically I would sit in the back of the car or the bus and nod off within 5 minutes. I never really tvought about it till now you mention this.
At 38 I will deliver the kids at school, sit in the train and start yawning before the first station.

But what is that with waking at night? That I dont understand...

sarahsweets
09-04-17, 08:46 AM
The waking at night thing is not actually waking and I didnt explain it well. Its more like getting to the sleep phases that are light or like stage I and not even realizing it, Its not like you actually wake up but you either skip around or completely miss the deeper stages of sleep and sort of float around in that almost awake part of sleep cycles. You know how when you are falling asleep and you feel and you look at the clock and its says 10pm? Then you sort of suddenly wake up, jerk awake or just barely open your eyes and its only 1020 but you feel like you havent even fallen asleep? Its kind of like that. With that happening off and on throughout the night you are missing out on the most restful parts of sleep leading to daytime sleepiness. The other thing is in low stimulating environments you can fall immediately into a deep sleep in minutes. My husband just did this the other day. He was sitting at the kitchen table and I looked up and his head was down and he was asleep sitting up. When he came to in about 20 minutes he reported that he heard the noise around him like my daughter and I talking and laughing and household noise but he physically could not wake up until it passed. Does that make better sense?

Worriedoldie
09-12-17, 05:31 AM
So... I went this morning and it went ok to be honest. I found it a bit hard to recollect the precise timeline but she seemed content with the info.
I was a bit surprised / overwhelmed at what I could dig out from the past and how much I've actually had to deal with... She wasn't surprised that I was breaking apart a bit by now. I feel spent... but it also took some edge off just getting it off my chest.

Anyways, I've got a new appointment in 14 days and she gave me the usual test papers to fill out. She was aiming at figuring out wether I have ADD or bipolar. (can you have a mix?) So at least I'm making some sort of progress...

Just thought I owed it to share the info.

Worriedoldie
09-25-17, 03:43 PM
2nd appointment coming up in two days... but now my worry is that I have had 3-4 good days with not that many dark thoughts, even felt pretty happy. Strange thing to worry about that.

I had to fill out a couple of questionaires and will print the MDQ tomorrow.

It just feels weird becaus in this state if you asked me, I wouldnt say I was depressed or prone to have dark or suicidal thoughts... I still procrastinate like crazy though and am fidgety and cant focus on a single task, but Im not too worried about it right now.

Is this "normal"? To feel above and beyond? I mean, right now Im afraid to appear as if Im trying to cheat the system or am a hypochondriac or something.

stef
09-25-17, 04:02 PM
2nd appointment coming up in two days... but now my worry is that I have had 3-4 good days with not that many dark thoughts, even felt pretty happy. Strange thing to worry about that.

I had to fill out a couple of questionaires and will print the MDQ tomorrow.

It just feels weird becaus in this state if you asked me, I wouldnt say I was depressed or prone to have dark or suicidal thoughts... I still procrastinate like crazy though and am fidgety and cant focus on a single task, but Im not too worried about it right now.

Is this "normal"? To feel above and beyond? I mean, right now Im afraid to appear as if Im trying to cheat the system or am a hypochondriac or something.
I think so :)
Im very recently diagnosed adhd
Actually taking concrete measures was in itself, an immense relief, so I felt generally much better

Worriedoldie
10-03-17, 04:49 AM
So appointment two lead to appointment three... I've never been good with things that drag out :S but was a good talk nonetheless.

Talked over the things I had crossed off on the four paper forms and eventually she handed me the very long DIVA form to fill out for next friday.
It contains questions about both my adulthood and my childhood. So I rang up my mom the same day and we went through it all....

Man those questions are tough to answer correctly... as in, I have a hard time putting things into context or remember chronologies.
Also had a few epiphanies about my younger years. Dunno how you guys have it, but I have a hard to recollecting specifics from before 11-12... its more glimpses or feelings / emotions. Ofcourse there are some key moments that stand out completely, but a lot of it is a haze.

Anyways, I hope hope hope that next friday's appointment will lead to some sort of conclusion.

Worriedoldie
10-11-17, 02:18 PM
So I went through session 4 today... it's dragging out because she wants to be completely certain that it's not bi-polar. Also had another questionaire to fill out which was about personality disorders.
I was affraid that I would register for either of those, since you cant really deal with those through anything but talks and learning to handle oneself.

But I didn't register under any of them, altough I had minute traits of anx, compulsiveness and depression... but again, not enough to lable me with any disorder in that area. Actually she litterally told me that most people will have a little of any of them... so I'm confident.

But this time she told me that next time I came, she would give me a proper diagnosis. I made an internal sigh of relief... felt like it had been dragging out.
I asked her if she was leaning towards anything and she said that she was going towards ADD, which was by now what I would have expected.

Am both excited and nervous about starting meds. I just hope it will help me concentrate a lot better at work and in family relations.

Worriedoldie
11-01-17, 11:06 AM
So last monday I finally got my diagnosis, which is adult ADD. Feels good to finally have some clarity about all this. I don't feel bad about it... actually it's nice to now have some sort of guideline that can help me in understanding myself a little better and maybe it will also help me stop lingering in the past and "what could have been".

Unfortunately due to my family history (cardio deaths amongst all males on my dad side, including my dad who died earlier this year), I have to wait for a consultation with a cardio doc, which is in 2 weeks time, and the following friday, I will, if all is ok with the heart, receive the initial prescription for Motiron which is a cheap ritalin product...

Really looking forward to have these thought cycles quieted down! Patience is virtue I know...

weiski
11-03-17, 01:36 AM
I'm extremely new to this adult ADHD, but do you listen to podcasts? I've found ADHD Rewired with Eric Tivers informative and comforting. The Youtube channel "How to ADHD" with Jessica McCabe is well done and has great strategies as well.

Worriedoldie
11-06-17, 11:09 AM
I'm extremely new to this adult ADHD, but do you listen to podcasts? I've found ADHD Rewired with Eric Tivers informative and comforting. The Youtube channel "How to ADHD" with Jessica McCabe is well done and has great strategies as well.

Wauw... that Jessica is so bubbly fun :D have been binging her videos the last few days. Thank you!