View Full Version : Self hatred


midnightstar
09-05-17, 02:39 PM
Does anyone else feel strong self hatred towards themselves, even if they do something nice for someone and get thanked for it?

peripatetic
09-05-17, 03:19 PM
there are times i struggle with self-loathing, but not in situations like the one you offered.

do you have any thoughts on why you would feel that way?

i guess what's closest to that, for me, is despite people saying they want to be in my life i feel like i'm ruining theirs because of my psychiatric issues. but that's ...not exactly the same.

midnightstar
09-05-17, 03:28 PM
there are times i struggle with self-loathing, but not in situations like the one you offered.

do you have any thoughts on why you would feel that way?

i guess what's closest to that, for me, is despite people saying they want to be in my life i feel like i'm ruining theirs because of my psychiatric issues. but that's ...not exactly the same.

I think probably it's because my experience is when people have been nice to me they're taking the pee so I learned from school to not take compliments seriously and I never had a year go by when I wasn't bullied during school or college.

idk ........... it's kinda stuck with me right from leaving school and college that nobody means it when they say something nice about me and they mean it when they say something nasty.

I mean, everyone here on the forum probably secretly thinks of me as something stinky that normally gets flushed away. Only nobody has admitted it and probably won't admit it on here.

Say for example today I was queueing at the local shop and the person in front of me darted off to get something off of one of the shelves and I let him go back in front of me because he was there before me.

aeon
09-05-17, 04:41 PM
I mean, everyone here on the forum probably secretly thinks of me as something stinky that normally gets flushed away. Only nobody has admitted it and probably won't admit it on here.

My sense is that you could not be more wrong.

Usually, feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing are internalized patterns of thought that were programmed into you, or something you created for yourself because you had neither the means or opportunity to understand your situation, so you explained it to yourself in the only way you knew how: Iím bad/unloveable/unworthy/disgusting/flawed, and on and on. This usually happens when you are small because you canít defend yourself, and you are too small to understand much of anything other than your own feelings of shame.

Not that this is easy, but know this: if you want, you can let those things go.

It took me years and years to do that, but I did it. Itís possible to let those things go so the only thing left is the option to love yourself for who you really are, well and true.

People did things to me as a child they should not have...but they didnít do those things because I was bad.

Iím not bad.

And neither are you.


Best to You,
Ian

Emre22
09-05-17, 04:57 PM
I think probably it's because my experience is when people have been nice to me they're taking the pee so I learned from school to not take compliments seriously and I never had a year go by when I wasn't bullied during school or college.

idk ........... it's kinda stuck with me right from leaving school and college that nobody means it when they say something nice about me and they mean it when they say something nasty.

I mean, everyone here on the forum probably secretly thinks of me as something stinky that normally gets flushed away. Only nobody has admitted it and probably won't admit it on here.

Say for example today I was queueing at the local shop and the person in front of me darted off to get something off of one of the shelves and I let him go back in front of me because he was there before me.

I was bullied during primary school and high school
But i never hated myself , i did self-pity a lot.

You are completely wrong , you dont seem bad or worthless.

It is only in ur head, you must understand that you are fighting against your brain

Never hate yourself, people didnt bully you or me because we were worthless and guilty

because people were as*holes, you should stand up and realize that you are valuable as much as others.

hate the people who did you wrong in the past, hatred can be a strong and helpful emotion but you should change it's rotation , do not turn that weapon to yourself

Fuzzy12
09-05-17, 05:42 PM
I used to feel like that.

When other people treat you badly it's never because of you because there never is a reason to treat another human badly.

I can totally believe that people say nice things to you because you are without doubt a nice person. There are so many nice things that could be said about you and they would all be true! !

But yeah, I know when the self hatred hits it's difficult to see anything beyond that. I hope someday you will be able to see yourself the way we see you.

peripatetic
09-06-17, 10:53 AM
I mean, everyone here on the forum probably secretly thinks of me as something stinky that normally gets flushed away. Only nobody has admitted it and probably won't admit it on here.

Say for example today I was queueing at the local shop and the person in front of me darted off to get something off of one of the shelves and I let him go back in front of me because he was there before me.

with the first paragraph...consider this: what would prove that false for you? if you cannot find a way to prove something is false, can you really know it to be true?

i struggle with "fixed false beliefs" myself. though i suspect ours are very different ones. and there is nothing...NOTHING that can convince me i don't have devices implanted in my head. i've had x rays, i've had mri, i've been talked to, i'm heavily medicated... but the bottom line is this: i either set it aside in order to live a life with my small girl and other people in the world or it will consume me.

so...where do you stand on this? do you believe, and there's no way of disproving your belief because it's fixed, that everyone here secretly hates you? because if that's the case, the it makes sense to me why you don't believe compliments. why they're all tainted. but if you are not what's considered "delusional", then there must be a way for that belief to be falsified. people have repeatedly told you you're wanted. do you disbelieve us? it's ok if you do. i disbelieve **** all of the time.

if this is something that's not responding to being told it's not factual...then i would encourage counseling to learn to set it aside.

i also think confidence building by skill building, mastering something, often will make us come at the world from a place or assertive action, rather than aggressive reaction.

with the second paragraph, do you hate yourself because you let someone back in line but didn't really want to? or think s/he thinks you're a fool to have been accommodating? i truly, in that interaction you described...my *entire* thought would be *cheers!* and then on with my life. i wouldn't think another thought about it. i'd be glad you let me back in and i'd move along with life. full stop. not everyone thinks the way i think, surely, but i don't think i'm against the grain on this one.

midnightstar
09-06-17, 11:15 AM
peri I think things are either true or false, I struggle to see "grey areas".

The example I posted was one example of when I've done whatever I could for someone else then had all the "did you do the right thing" doubts going round and round my brain.

And I am trying to type round Tgger and Tigger wants to walk on the keyboard probably to say hello to ADDF.

As I said the thing about not believing compliments I think is because of school/college.

midnightstar
09-06-17, 11:17 AM
And what did not help was I got chased at school and used to get physically hurt so I do find it hard to trust what other people say.

On at least one occasion a pack of bullies chased and completely cornered me, which only added to my mistrust of other people.

back in a sec, Tigger's determined to tell me she wants dinner early.

midnightstar
09-06-17, 11:28 AM
I can still remember the first names of the ringleaders. Sam and Andrew. (Not ADDF's Andrew before anyone assumes anything!)

peripatetic
09-06-17, 11:52 AM
I do find it hard to trust what other people say.


do you trust what people say to you here?

here's why i ask: i have a close friend who struggled with anxiety, among other things, and would question whether i was angry with her or didn't want her around. and i would reassure. after a couple of times, though, i would be angry at being asked *again* because i didn't understand why my word wasn't good enough.

that's the danger i see you running. and that's where i think sometimes we can push people to being what we fear they are already.

for the other person, it's, like, anxiety that requires reassurance.
for me, it's, like, i'm being called a liar because i already answered that question

trust is challenging for a lot of people. i trust people, for the most part, but i also don't always think they know what they're talking about. i trust that they mean well, for example, despite what they're saying being ill conceived or lacking a fuller perspective.

i will say this:

fact: when you first joined i think we squabbled on a thread, i don't recall which thread, but it freaked me out that you were what i considered overly friendly.
fact: i was seriously unwell at the time and that has nothing to do with you.
fact: i'm glad you're around and don't wish you gone; you contribute a lot to this site.
fact: i wish you had (or felt you had) the support to address some of what seems to be recurring issues that lie unaddressed because i hate to see you suffering so.

midnightstar
09-06-17, 01:31 PM
do you trust what people say to you here?

here's why i ask: i have a close friend who struggled with anxiety, among other things, and would question whether i was angry with her or didn't want her around. and i would reassure. after a couple of times, though, i would be angry at being asked *again* because i didn't understand why my word wasn't good enough.

that's the danger i see you running. and that's where i think sometimes we can push people to being what we fear they are already.

for the other person, it's, like, anxiety that requires reassurance.
for me, it's, like, i'm being called a liar because i already answered that question

trust is challenging for a lot of people. i trust people, for the most part, but i also don't always think they know what they're talking about. i trust that they mean well, for example, despite what they're saying being ill conceived or lacking a fuller perspective.

i will say this:

fact: when you first joined i think we squabbled on a thread, i don't recall which thread, but it freaked me out that you were what i considered overly friendly.
fact: i was seriously unwell at the time and that has nothing to do with you.
fact: i'm glad you're around and don't wish you gone; you contribute a lot to this site.
fact: i wish you had (or felt you had) the support to address some of what seems to be recurring issues that lie unaddressed because i hate to see you suffering so.

Sometimes I do trust what people say here, other times I don't. Depends what my brain is up to. I know some of you will probably tell me off for this but when I was seeing the therapist I didn't tell him that historically I technically have one suicide attempt under my belt (as the expression goes), I didn't tell him that because I feared it would end up on my record and that's something you don't want hanging over you your whole life. I was convinced he'd have me taken away and locked up and bang would go my job and chances of getting another job and keeping it.

I don't remember us having a squabble ......... there again there was several months that I have basically blocked out of my memory because those months were the worst in my life and that was the time I was determined to die and saw no reason to live. It was in the run up to me joining this forum and until Ebony came into my life that I really tried to block out so I don't remember a lot of it.

One thing I do remember though is putting together two suicide plans and the professionals at the time knew I was planning them and what did they do? Sweet F A :rolleyes: (basically cared more about their pay cheques than they did patient welfare :eyebrow:) so yeah I don't open up to professionals any more, only person irl I have talked to about it was the charity counsellor and even then as I said I didn't admit to suicide attempt :o

peripatetic
09-06-17, 02:08 PM
i'm not in a position to tell you off about anything, but i would encourage you to tell your therapist about any attempts you've made.

and i say that as someone who has less a history with blatant attempts and more with activities that are potentially lethal, like cutting things out of self and so forth. but i have had psychotic breaks and done very dangerous things and that's all on record. i also have a history of involuntary committal/sectioning that's on my record. so, i do hear where you're coming from in having these concerns.

yes, it will go on your record. but, and, as i said above, i assure you...there are things on my record i would prefer not be....i'll never get supplemental life insurance, for example, because of my mental health issues...i believe that my primary diagnosis discredits me completely...

but if things aren't on your record you won't necessarily be treated for them or taken seriously.

having plans is one thing. having two detailed plans with means and a history of an attempt is quite another. please reconsider divulging this to your therapist/psychiatrist. it might be *the* thing that enables you to get the help you need and deserve.

midnightstar
09-06-17, 02:19 PM
The only reason I didn't carry out either of those plans was the first one I couldn't get to the location I was seriously planning acting on the plan and the second plan I couldn't get what I needed. This was early 2012, I hadn't joined this forum back then and neither plan is something I would do now.

I have probably said too much now.

aeon
09-06-17, 02:37 PM
I have probably said too much now.

Nope. You gave us the gift of sharing of yourself, and gave us the opportunity to demonstrate to you that people can be trusted.

Thanks for that. I donít take that for granted, regardless of who or what.


Best to You,
Ian

peripatetic
09-06-17, 02:38 PM
I have probably said too much now.

there's nothing you said that is in violation of our guidelines or that i find off putting.

people struggle. i'm glad your plans didn't work out. i've certainly been a planner myself, so i am in no position to judge another.

it is what it is. i'm glad you are in a better place now. xx

Emre22
09-06-17, 03:02 PM
I have a past that bad things happened a lot, bullied and disrespected by others. Everyday was suffering and struggling and it all happened between when i was 12-18 years old.
I made a decision , i cut all my connections, relationships related to pass, whether it was good or not. I moved to another city ( for college) and i opened a blank page in my life. I forgot and locked up all old memories.
Now those years are looking like dark ages of my life which i dont want to remember.

Maybe similar kind of decision may help you . Try to remove everything related to past from your life.
And reborn , start from 0 .

midnightstar
09-07-17, 10:01 AM
there's nothing you said that is in violation of our guidelines or that i find off putting.

people struggle. i'm glad your plans didn't work out. i've certainly been a planner myself, so i am in no position to judge another.

it is what it is. i'm glad you are in a better place now. xx

What I was worried about was this thread getting used against me at a later date, not guidelines wise but maybe members here finding me irl (idk if it's possible) then using this thread to harm me. Or people irl harming me with it.

Emre22
09-07-17, 11:30 AM
What I was worried about was this thread getting used against me at a later date, not guidelines wise but maybe members here finding me irl (idk if it's possible) then using this thread to harm me. Or people irl harming me with it.

If you dont let them , nobody can use anything here against you

I know how you feel , if people learn what happened to me in past, they can use it to make me feel worthless, disrespected and u scare to feel like that again

U only need to do one thing , you will say this to anyone who try to harm you with your memories

"yes all happened in the past , past is past and it has nothing to do with now .It all passed ."

If you don't show people , you can be hurted easily . They can't hurt you , it is all about your image that they see. If they see strong and stable person against them they won't try to hurt you because they will think it isnt possible to do.
But if you have an image like , you can be hurted . Then bad people will try to hurt you .

anonymouslyadd
09-07-17, 10:37 PM
Sometimes. I'm sorry you're going through this.