View Full Version : Husband doesnt work.

09-12-17, 06:22 AM
Hi everyone.

Just wanted to know if you guys have any advice. We've been married for over 10 years and my husband was unofficially diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid but not officially. He works from home for a company and often plays games or sleeps rather than work. We're trying to save for a house for a long time but he just doesnt seem to work. He has times where he is fine but then after a few months he stops again. He says he is too lazy and will change and work more but it always ends up going back to how it was and I end up having to cover the costs and any debts he gets from not being able to pay bills. I work full time, study parttime and am pregnant with our first child. Im worried nothing will ever change since it hasnt for the last 5 years. I've tried talking to him many times and he blames it on different things every time. Not sure what todo. I just want to for once not have to worry about him not having money and using the credit card to pay bills (we share paying bills, we tried me managing the bills but that dodnt work either). He just doesnt tell me when he doesnt earn money and then the debts get even higher.

09-12-17, 12:40 PM
He needs to go for an official diagnosis and begin treatment. Meds can help.

09-12-17, 01:25 PM
Unfortunately he needs to face reality and he might need to get an official diagnoses for his ADHD if its effecting him in that way. But in the mean time, why not sit him down and have a conversation on how you feel about the situation and see how he feels, put all the cards on the table, so to speak.

09-12-17, 01:40 PM
OK..... his work pattern is different to the expected western norm. He probably works, gets stressed, tired and psychologically exhausted, then he takes time out, recovers and begins again.

during this process he may well be having to exert himself significantly more than your non-ADDer in work , and then beating himself up as he gets exhausted and this takes more energy out of him. Him saying that he is "lazy" is common in ADDers..... we're often told that by teachers, parents, relatives, friends & bosses/work colleagues. After a few decades of this we come to believe it.

As Lunacie says.. a diagnosis, maybe accessing meds, and I would add some therapy/counselling as well.

REmember he is working..... just not in a way you expect. I recognise this in myself. I find it very difficult to work in the same job for years.... tried it... never works, but put me in a project type role with a defined end point a few months away and I work hard..... but when the project ends I slump for weeks, sometimes a month or two.

Unfortunately when I got married and became a parent I thought I better do "proper" work.... really BAD move......

So as well as him getting some help I'd advise yoou to get some good counselling too.....because if your relationship is to survive with a new kid on the way you'll need to get out of the expectation of him working the way you want him to , and the relationship working the way you expect it to. These are the ways you can show him that it's OK to do the psychological work you both need to do.

09-12-17, 01:57 PM
Finding the right job, discovering your strengths and weaknesses, working out when your effective, getting the correct renumeration.

Add what others need from you, and not knowing how this thing works. This is a tall order but I haven't found a better method.

If ADD is present I find mess a must. I can be on point at the times I choose. This was definitely a major thing for me.

09-14-17, 02:02 AM
We teach others how to treat us. If you allow certain things, and there are no negative consequences or negative feelings then he wont change? Why should he? Hr gets to do what he wants and you get to put up with it. But he still doesnt have to change. Who handles the bill paying and household expenses?

09-16-17, 10:08 AM
I am in exactly the same situation. My partner has been unemployed since Christmas 2016 and diagnosed March this year. He is always talking about doing something but pretty much sits around the house playing games and reading. If I didn't come home I don't think he'd notice. When he's good he looks after the house and me, but the rest of the time I earn the money, organise the house, pay the bills, pay his overdue bills, organise his social life, cook, clean, feed the pets, do the shopping. I study, work full time and run various volunteer committees in the community. I can't take the contrast in our lives or the burden. Is there hope? Reading these forums there sure doesn't feel like it. And is it better to accommodate or better to be tough? Is there a way to make it easier on me? I have tried everything and am at a loss.

Thanks, Stevie

09-16-17, 03:30 PM
Come to think it my wife probably feels similar at times, the whole not working thing.

09-16-17, 08:07 PM
Is there hope? Reading these forums there sure doesn't feel like it. And is it better to accommodate or better to be tough? Is there a way to make it easier on me? I have tried everything and am at a loss.

Your partner just got diagnosed March of this year? Then yes, you still have hope. That's really not that long ago in the grand scheme of things. It takes time to change lifetime habits.

Diagnosis hopefully means acceptance. It also hopefully means you have a chance at finding medication that helps him now. If you've tried all the regular ADHD meds, I was intrigued by some of the ones discussed on this ( thread though I should say I'm not a dr.

How to make things easier for you?

1. Reduce responsibilities in general - like hire out for tasks, put stuff in locations where it's easiest to keep things organized, get an automatic robot vacuum, setup electronic pay for everything to the extent possible, become a minimalist so less cleaning, have him use "ok google" vocally to set up alarms/appointments/timers, etc. Simplifying your lives in general helps. I've become a million times cleaner so there is definitely hope but that sometimes requires a change in lifestyle. The changes can be good changes - I'd recommend becoming a minimalist regardless of adhd as it will save you a fortune so you may one day be able to retire earlier.

2. Have him tackle one responsibility at a time, letting him choose which one he wants to try first (though don't let him deal with your money first cause that can screw up your finances).

3. Divide each responsibility into subtasks and do one responsibility with him together one time first asking him how he's feeling during each subtask taking note having him take note which subtasks are easiest for him and which he is struggling with and how/what he's feeling during the struggling ones. A "body double" is a coping technique where someone else does the same work at the same time. It can help sometimes in terms of getting things done.

4. Have him tackle on his own the subtasks he finds easiest first on his own if you don't want to be doing the work as a team all the time.

5. Have him consider different things like listening to music, trying the task at times of day or different days, putting on silencing earphones, etc. to see if anything helps him work.

6. Once he has some subtasks down add more until he can do a responsibility on his own and then move on to another responsibility. Praise him for every success.

7. If you're not having success on a responsibility, come back to this board and ask us for help on just that one particular responsibility.

Also, I often wonder when I see non-adhd spouses posting here but not their adhd partners. I'd really recommend encouraging your spouses to come here themselves. It's a million times easier to accept when you are coming up with your own ideas as opposed to your spouse commanding you to do things (even if they did phrase it as a suggestion).

My opinion is the time to get tough is when your spouse is obviously not trying (I don't mean not succeeding, I mean not trying new approaches to see if he can do better).