View Full Version : A ramble...

09-14-17, 07:59 AM
I don't know. Just words and stuff I guess.

I've been stuffing things in as of late. Been skipping 1on1 sessions with my therapist, and skipping my weekly support group. Been meaning to get out with some friends, but I keep ditching them and standing them up. I'd like to hang out with my dad more, but with him working midnights our schedules clash and he's always asleep. My mom's dead...freaking heck how I'd love to speak to vent to her.

And I'm sad.
I'm just sad.
I miss my mom. And I know I'm a broken record...I keep saying the same thing over and over and over again here on these forums.
But I suck. I know.
And I miss her.

I also know that so many people lose loved ones. It's not like I'm the only one ever to experience I should get over myself and move on. I'm just being a wimpy piece of ****.
I lack productivity. I lack responsibilities. I have so little I'm doing in life right now...nothing to help me move on. And that's my fault. I'm such a lazy piece of ****.

And I miss my mom so badly :(.

I saw her driving in a SUV yesterday. I almost fell out of my chair I was sitting it. I almost screamed. I almost burst into tears.
But then her face morphed on wasn't my mom at all. It was some strange older woman I've never seen in my life.
God I miss you mom.

And I'm sad.

I keep gorging on fast food. I have SUPER cravings for Taco Bell. It's a 30 mile trip to the nearest, and I've been there 3 times in the last 48 hours. My wrists and ankles are all puffy from all the salt in my body.
I'm running out of money. I'm already looking forward to my next trip to bell.

I'm as heavy as I've been in my life. I don't know the number...haven't seen my doc in months and haven't been weighed since...but my shirts use to be loose on me :*(. I'm at a point where I'm going to have to start wearing my nice button up work shirts...unbuttoned. But damn I like wearing buttoned up shirts. I always feel good when I know I look good. There's nothing good looking about me now though.

I'm not being so nice to myself lately. My negative self hating 'voice' is coming.

I miss my mom, gawd damn it mom...please come home. :(

My apartment's a real mess...I haven't payed rent yet (even though I've got the money!) so now owe a late fee, my car needs an oil changed and for the tires to be inflated and rotated and I'm behind on some paperwork I do for one of my dad's 'jobs'. He doesn't get paid until I get it caught up and turned in correctly.

My sleep's a wreck. /sigh. Now there's something I've been complaining about for YEARS lol. I've had sleeping issues since I was a itsy bitsy kid.
I sometimes wonder if most of my most serious issues (mental) are a direct result of my sleep issues. Like how much of my difficulties would vanish if I could start getting proper sleep? I suspect almost most...

And man I miss my mom. And I know I'm annoying as **** and you'd like to punch me in the nose because I keep saying so. But screw it...I miss her man. Damn me...I miss her.

And the's sustaining me, but also destroying me.

It's sustaining me because it gives me something to do. I don't have television, don't play video games, haven't had patience to sit down and read books in years, don't have cellular services, don't have the energy/willpower to get together with friends to play board games, don't have a lot of money to invest in much of anything...or to travel.
But I do have high speed internet. It IS my form of entertainment. Without it...I feel like I'd go nuts with boredom.

But the problem I think I've become addicted to it. And once I log onto my's over. I get on, then I just get lost. I don't even know how I do it day after day after week after month...same stuff every damned day. Playing on youtube, creating wish lists on amazon, checking these forums. It's so boring when I stop and think about it...
Yet hour after hour I'm letting myself get sucked in. I just float off and get lost in it all I guess. When I get bored on youtube, I switch to another tab to go check out new rss feeds...then get bored with that and check these forums, then get lost on youtube again, see something cool in a video (like a new gadget or something)...then go spend a bunch of time researching the heck out of it with google and amazon...get bored and switch to the next thing...and over and's so boring and mundane...but it keeps me going.
But it's ALL I do. All day. I wake up, go use the bathroom, go lay back down in my bed and prop my laptop up on my fat belly...and that's it. That's my day.
I'll eat of course...but it feels SO hard to do anything else. I just want to lay there all day and be lost in my computer. I DO want to get out and do things. Do more. I DO want to add more activities to my day...but dang...I get on my computer and then I float away, and it just feels so hard to get. Once I'm on, it can take a lot of for me to get off. I DO want to do other things, but at the same time I DON'T want to get off my computer.

I'm so stupid. My life is so ******* pathetic. Holy **** am I a whiny baby or what?
It saddens me to know how pathetic I am...when so many have it insanely rougher in life. Why am I such a self centered piece of ****? I don't know. :(

I'm not happy.
I don't much like my life.
I'm on a loop and nothing's ever really going to change. The fundamentals. I'm still the same unemployed bum I was 5 years ago...and in 5 years from now, I'm still going to be a whiny piece of **** who hasn't gotten his life together.

I'm not suicidal. There's still things I like in life. I like life. I love beauty. I feel deeply at times. I'm capable of loving deeply, and feeling love from others deeply.
I don't want to die.
I'm going to. Soon even perhaps? But I'm not 'actively' suicidal.

I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her. I wish she could help me figure some stuff out in life. She could take over my dad's paperwork again, she could come over and help me clean up and organize my apartment...she's offered MANY times in the past few years, but I'd never let her...I wish I had. I sure could use her help!
We'd go grocery shopping together...I'd have food in my apartment, and I'd eat most my bigger meals with them at their house...this means I wouldn't be eating out nearly as much. I wouldn't be so damned obsessed with taco bell.
She'd set me up an appointment with the lady who helps me with my psych pills...I'd get put back on adderall. She'd set me up an appointment with my general doctor.
She'd let me talk to her. I'd be able to confide in her. Get out some guilt. I'd tell her about how I went to walmart today and spent way more money then I should. It was only $30, but it was purely on toys and candy and I'm going to have a hard time with money for the rest of the month.
I'd wake up tomorrow morning to find my mom deposited $50 or more into my checking account for me. She did this quite a bit lately...especially before my dad's open heart surgery when they were making a pretty dang good living for themselves. I'd of course call her and thank her for it...but I never did express to her...just how much this meant to me. It was amazing. And she wouldn't let me pay her back...and she didn't EVER hold it over me...and she wasn't judgmental. She would've just laughed cheerfully about how I wasted my money on toys and candy and she would've told me how silly I was. But not in a demeaning kind of way...but in a loving way. She was just like that...I could confide in her. She didn't judge me hardly ever. It's like she accepted me no matter what. But not only that...she supported me. Instead of trying to make me feel guilty about doing things like buying toys...she'd support me because she knows doing such is something that makes me happy.
Oh I miss her.

I haven't been up to the mountains to sit by a fire at all this summer. If my mom was still around, we'd have been up there at least once a week over these past few months :*(. I miss that so ******* much! Sitting up there with her!
God how her need talk so much could drive me crazy (lol my poor mom loved talking...but I liked to just sit there and get lost in my own mind (aka oblivion, aka day dreaming)...and damn her talking made that difficult! lol
But I miss it. I want her to annoy me so badly. To hear her voice. To drive me bonkers with her inability to just leave me in peace for 5 freaking seconds!!! (lol she'd finally take the hint and give me some space...I did feel bad for her though, I wish she'd have had someone more enjoyable in her life to hang out with in the mountains...).

Well I don't know guys.
I guess there's just a bunch of words and stuff.

I haven't been living healthy in years. It's gotten much worse these past few months.
I don't leave my apartment much, my health is real bad, I'm at the heaviest I've ever weighed, I don't vent much like I use to, avoid hanging out with people, don't do much with my dad, and spend all freaking day in bed playing on my stupid computer.
And my mood is dipping.

I don't know.
I don't know where this all goes.
I don't know where I land.
Hell, I don't even know if I'll be around much longer. With the way I'm eating. Or with my driving...I keep falling asleep behind the wheel. If a major heart attack or stroke from all the fast food doesn't get to me, a major car accident is going to!
I'm a wreck.
And it's my own damned fault.
And I'm pathetic, and I'm self centered and all my **** is ultra freaking petty. So many have it SO much worse off than my idiot brain could ever comprehend...
I just don't know anymore. I've never known to be fair.

I miss my mommy :(
I wish she was home.
She'd fix everything!

God damn it. God damn YOU God (I love you and I'm sorry to have typed that). God damn my mom.

Please come home mom :( :( :(

09-14-17, 08:57 AM

No words can express the pain of losing a parent, and yet I can viscerally feel the hole in your life.

Grief is a nonlinear process, and it truly has no end. It's like standing at the edge of the ocean. Sometimes things are calm. You still feel the water lapping at your ankles, a gentle reminder of how things were. And just when you get used to that feeling and turn your back to the surf, a wave slams into you, dragging you down to the bottom, and suddenly, you're drowning again, struggling to keep your head above water.

It's hard to ask for help when all you want to do is hide from the world.

09-14-17, 09:06 AM
I dont have the right words to offer the love and support you need today. But this is my favorite song in the world and I think the lyrics might apply.

"That Lonesome Road"
James Taylor
Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself,
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder.
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon is shining high above the trees.

If I had stopped to listen once or twice, if I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes.
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart, I'd not be on this road tonight.

Carry on, never mind feeling sorry for yourself.
It doesn't save you from your troubled mind.

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself,
Don't turn your head back over your shoulder.
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon is shining high above the trees.

09-14-17, 09:18 AM
I hope this is received with the intent it's being sent with.....genuine care and concern.

You say you aren't suicidal, but the choices regarding the basic fuels of life are saying different. It's like a slow and subtle, yet very certain path, as you've repeatedly mentioned. Traveling down misery lane at turbo speed has some real sh***y views. I speak from years of direct miserable experiences. I'm sorry it hurts so bad...and I innerstand how it feels to want to drown the emotions and numb yourself rather than deal with it. It's the only thing that feels safe, until the numbness wears off, that is.

Your self-talk is so incredibly harsh and hateful and I imagine your cells are getting tired of that vibe. Would you talk to one of us who were desperately in need of help the same way you're talking to yourself?'d go out of your way to be kind and supportive. You could benefit from some big a** doses of that kindness right now, my friend. Please dish it out to yourself often.

God damn the self-hate is more like it sends us to the deepest darkest places that are hard as hell to climb back out of. I wish I could hug your heart to redirect your brain each time you have one of those thoughts.

No one can make us do anything nor can any one do these things for us. Mom's not coming back in the form that you knew her as....and I know that hurts like hell. I felt many of the same feelings when I lost my dad. :( He left us in '95 and I still wish he'd return.

All we can do is hope/pray/chant/think/vibe good things on your behalf in hopes of you eventually feeling strong enough to make the calls to get the help you know you need and that you know is readily available. Pulling for you like crazy from my space on the planet.

Wishing you a big ol' taste of wellness that will ignite some healing fires within. (((((Hugs))))) My inbox is always open if you ever want to talk. Please take good care of you.

09-14-17, 11:56 AM
:grouphug:s psycho, you don't deserve to talk to yourself the way you are, but I understand the self-hating voice, I hear it often enough :grouphug:

09-14-17, 04:57 PM
i am available if you need to talk by private message, but i hope and pray that happiness is around the corner for you. This calls for a group hug!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

09-14-17, 05:33 PM
Psycho not finding the words. So just lots of love.

Also please keep talking and posting. I want to know what's going on with you and how you are doing. Especially when you are not doing well.

09-14-17, 09:46 PM
My heart aches for you and I'm so sorry you're suffering so much xx

10-18-17, 09:24 PM
I still miss my mom and I was a middle-aged adult when she died.

My father's mom died when he was 21. My dad lived a full life, but he missed his mom for his entire adult life.

I don't think one ever gets over the death of a mom. But you can learn to live with the pain and to manage it ... and yes, if the rest of your life is in turmoil, the grief is not offset by other things.

You have a lot going on ... But I wanted to say that missing--yes achingly missing-- a mom = totally human, totally normal, totally loving.

My mom died 8 years ago, and when I think about her, I would describe her funeral as "The End of the World." It felt like the world ended on that day.

I know she would want me to live a fulfilling life, so when I feel myself getting overwhelmed by grief, I try gently remind myself that she wants me to be happy and have fun and go meet people and have success and on and on.

That thought helps me carry on in her absence.