View Full Version : I'm "not putting any effort" into seeing my friends, apparently


MindBlind
10-02-17, 04:41 PM
This isn't just an ADHD thing as I literally can't afford to go out with friends, as much as I'd like to. Plus I have a dog and a bunch of **** to do. And it's not that I don't appreciate their desire to see me more often, but they act like my inability to go to some expensive bar with them is because I don't want to go. They think I'm being rude for blowing them off. Like, I dunno, maybe meet up somewhere I can afford? Or visit me? Or I can visit you?

But to a degree, they're onto something. Sometimes I don't want to go out because it's too ******* stressful and I'd rather be home getting stuff done. Sometimes my moods get really low to the point where flooding my senses with too much stimulation will send me into a full blown panic attack. And sometimes I only have so much cognitive stamina to do so much in a day.

It bothers me because these are friends that know what it's like to have mental health issues and other cognitive stuff but they just think I'm trying to avoid them instead of thinking that I might be too tired and overwhelmed to socialise.

I really want to make time for my friends, I really do. But I wonder if I should even bother if they're just going to vilify me for having the audacity to be poor, have other obligations or need to put my wellbeing first.

Fuzzy12
10-02-17, 06:30 PM
Have you suggested meeting up in someone's house or going somewhere inexpensive like a walk in the park etc?

I have the same problem. Well in my case I mostly domt actually wajt to meet anyone usually hecausw ive got too much to do and most of the things I have to do are more fun than chit chatting with people.

MindBlind
10-02-17, 06:51 PM
Have you suggested meeting up in someone's house or going somewhere inexpensive like a walk in the park etc?

I have the same problem. Well in my case I mostly domt actually wajt to meet anyone usually hecausw ive got too much to do and most of the things I have to do are more fun than chit chatting with people.

They already resent me for not showing up. They'd resent me even more if they all had to change their plans because of me.

Well, in all fairness, sometimes they have invited me to theirs or we went somewhere cheap or chatted on Skype. But now I feel like maybe they see inviting me as a chore or something.

Fuzzy12
10-02-17, 06:59 PM
No don't change existing plans but maybe you could suggest a visit for another day.

I'm sorry I can't be of much help but I find it extremely difficult if not impossible to stay in contact with people. Im a seriously bad friend.

acdc01
10-02-17, 07:26 PM
Well, in all fairness, sometimes they have invited me to theirs or we went somewhere cheap or chatted on Skype. But now I feel like maybe they see inviting me as a chore or something.

Have you already told them that you can't afford to go the bars all the time. Then maybe suggest a once a week outing that doesn't require money. So you're not changing their plans, you are making them in advance with them. Surely they can spend one day doing something that doesn't cost money.

I'm the same in that it takes me a lot of energy to maintain friends as well. Unfortunately that means I have less than I think is healthy for me now.

If that doesn't work I'd say get some poorer friends.

MindBlind
10-02-17, 08:12 PM
Have you already told them that you can't afford to go the bars all the time. Then maybe suggest a once a week outing that doesn't require money. So you're not changing their plans, you are making them in advance with them. Surely they can spend one day doing something that doesn't cost money.

I'm the same in that it takes me a lot of energy to maintain friends as well. Unfortunately that means I have less than I think is healthy for me now.

If that doesn't work I'd say get some poorer friends.

What I should actually do is make some plans of my own (and then grill them for not showing up). But in all seriousness, it would take the burden of planning off of them and we both get to hang out.

However, upon further reflection, I think one of the reasons I have begun to drift further from my friends is because sometimes it's just painful to be around those that I love. When my depression gets bad, I cant enjoy the company of others and I feel so far away from everyone. I try so hard to keep it together for my friends and I hide away so they don't ever have to see me in pieces. So the fact that my friends just think I'm taking the **** is so hurtful to me. I wish that I knew how to tell them all of this and that they could see that I still care about them.

Ronelh
10-04-17, 11:13 AM
Maybe you could alternate or something... do the expensive outing with them this time, and next time you will pick a cheaper outing together.

My problem is not the outing itself, but that I have a hard time multitasking properly. I don't mean, like eating and watching a movie at the same time - I do that all the time. But balancing my work and my social life. If I am working, I don't want to get distracted, so I don't like to interrupt it to be sociable. And I have quite intense academic work that keeps me busy most of the time, so it is hard to interrupt it. So then my friends feel neglected.

My latest attempt at improving the situation is to try to make sure I spend quality time with at least one friend at least once a week. That helps some, but now I'm struggling with procrastinating on my planned quality time.

mrzyphl
10-06-17, 10:37 PM
Like Fuzzy said, with my with ADD brain find it extremely difficult to stay in
contact with people. When a friend calls me to get together I relish the
opportunity to forget about my problems and and just have fun. If I don't
have money to do whatever I tell them, and they'll either offer to pay my
way, do something else or go out some other time. It's no big deal, I'm
amazed that anyone calls me in the first place.

sarahsweets
10-07-17, 05:52 AM
Whatever it is you will have to meet them half way. Go to their bars but order clubsoda and maybe tell one of them ahead of time you dont have the extra cash. Have them over to your place, or go to their place and bring a tray of brownies (they are like 2$ to make). No matter what the reasons behind things they will he offended if you can meet them sometimes. If its your mood try and confide in that one friend who might get it.

MindBlind
10-10-17, 08:24 AM
Iím happy to meet halfway. If I canít meet in person Iíd like to at least Skype or call them. I used to do that a lot in the past and that worked out great. Thatís something we can all easily commit to. I canít really invite them to my place (too much commotion) but thereís places we can go to that are fairly quiet and not so expensive. But I feel like I shouldnít have to justify the fact that Iím broke, a full time student, have a family to financially support and still trying to find balance in my own treatment. With the exception of two friends in that group, these guys donít have dependents, come from a middle class family and have enough money to go on holidays. Even when I was working full time I never had such a luxury. I kind of resent being told that Iím making no effort when theyíve objectively never had to put as much effort into their lives as I have. I should straight up tell them that if I get that **** again.

sarahsweets
10-11-17, 05:15 AM
I’m happy to meet halfway. If I can’t meet in person I’d like to at least Skype or call them. I used to do that a lot in the past and that worked out great. That’s something we can all easily commit to. I can’t really invite them to my place (too much commotion) but there’s places we can go to that are fairly quiet and not so expensive. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to justify the fact that I’m broke, a full time student, have a family to financially support and still trying to find balance in my own treatment.

Its not justifying. Justifying is like trying to make an excuse for being an as*hole. Its like doing the wrong thing on purpose and trying to explain it away. I look at this situation as clarifying so no one gets offended and everyone knows where you are coming from.

With the exception of two friends in that group, these guys don’t have dependents, come from a middle class family and have enough money to go on holidays. Even when I was working full time I never had such a luxury. I kind of resent being told that I’m making no effort when they’ve objectively never had to put as much effort into their lives as I have. I should straight up tell them that if I get that **** again.
you could but the resentments are all on your end. They probably dont know you resent them and that resentment is like a rattlesnake bite. It starts out localized and slowly spreads unless you get the antivenom.

Fuzzy12
10-11-17, 07:07 AM
Iím happy to meet halfway. If I canít meet in person Iíd like to at least Skype or call them. I used to do that a lot in the past and that worked out great. Thatís something we can all easily commit to. I canít really invite them to my place (too much commotion) but thereís places we can go to that are fairly quiet and not so expensive. But I feel like I shouldnít have to justify the fact that Iím broke, a full time student, have a family to financially support and still trying to find balance in my own treatment. With the exception of two friends in that group, these guys donít have dependents, come from a middle class family and have enough money to go on holidays. Even when I was working full time I never had such a luxury. I kind of resent being told that Iím making no effort when theyíve objectively never had to put as much effort into their lives as I have. I should straight up tell them that if I get that **** again.

No you dont have to explain but if you want to keep your friends then explaining or clarifying migjt to a long way. How are they supposed to know that you cajt afford goijng out with them or any of your other reasons unleas you tell them. How are they supposed to know it's not because you take then for granted or don't care much for them?

You can't expect people to cut you slack or show empathy for your circumstances if they don't know your circumstances.